Do commitment phobes realise they have a problem? Or care about how they hurt pe

[Sarahjb]

I've been reading a lot about commitment phobes/emotionally unavailable people lately and the story usually starts the same. These people pursue you like crazy, put you on a pedalstal, worship the ground you walk on , rush to help you out, do whatever it takes to win you're trust, talks about the future, rushes you into commiting to them (the irony). They're usually very charming and seductive. They're like salesmen in the dating world with a huge "win you over campaign". But if somthing seems too good to be true it usually is (note to self).

 

These people are all about the chase and not the catch they can't do the steadiness of a normal relationship theyre addicted to the honeymoon phase. They have the illusion of the perfect partner but the perfect partner dosnt actually exist people are flawed and have needs that need to be met. As soon as they realise you're a real person they look for a way out as fast as they looked for a way in. As soon as you expect them to live up the promises they made thry will pull the rug from beneath your feet. At the end of the relationship they will start nit picking at your every move looking for flaws because they want a reason to leave. It wouldn't matter if you were a megan fox look alike with amazing skills in the bedroom. They will find an issue to leave.

 

 

At that point you're self esteem will hit an all time low because you will think it's somthing that YOU did to lose all the adoration and wonder why they're feelings changed so suddenly. My ex broke up with me suddenly. ..there was no fights we always got on great and just a few days before he made me feel so special and adored it was so bizarre. I just got told "I'm not ready for a relationship sorry for rushing you into one" "my head is really messed up" (well atleast he's right about that)

 

 

I of course blamed myself. He must've felt guilty because he started to cry. When I asked him what's wrong he said "I made you think it was you". "It's not you believe me... you're the most caring person ever and I will never be able to get anyone as beautiful as you again" "apart of me just has doubts I barely slept in 2 weeks and I don't understand why I feel this way it wrecks my head" "I don't want the pressure of a relationship"

 

 

When I look back now there was red flags. I remember the day we put on Facebook we were in a relationship a girl messaged him saying "I thought you weren't ready for a relationship?". He obviously pulled the same stunt on her. He also mentioned that it was his biggest FEAR to invest alot of time in someone only for them to leave him or cheat on him. He also wanted to continue seeing me and act like we were in a relationship without the title and said maybe one day when the timing is better it could work. Typical commitment phobic person they can't commit to being with you but they can't commit to being without your either because they're very confused and frightened people who don't know what they want.

[Wiseman2]

This sounds like a player, not a commitment-phobic.

These people are all about the chase and not the catch they can't do the steadiness of a normal relationship theyre addicted to the honeymoon phase.

same guy?

[Sarahjb]

What's your definition of a commitment phobe then? Apparently they're all the traits of one from everything I've read

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sure some are self-aware, just like some addicts or alcoholics are aware they have an addiction, but still choose not to do anything about it, because they like being that way.

 

For others and I'd say most to them it simply isn't a problem to them. They are happy the way they are, it's your problem and not theirs.

 

Really the only thing you can do with a commitmentphobe or player or just a guy who doesn't want the same things you do regardless of why is if you don't like it is to leave them. That means paying attention to red flags and bowing out early when you see signs of trouble, not weeks or months or years down the road.

[moodindigo91]

Eh, I think there's a very, very fine line between a commitment-phobe and a player. Commitment-phobes are usually more apologetic about their actions, and their feelings can be rather sincere. I think they are more apt to realize they have a problem than a player. A player doesn't have feelings for you and doesn't care about your feelings, and is usually seeing multiple people at once.

 

When I think of these two, I'm thinking of Joey and Chandler from Friends. Joey is more of a player, a lovable one but a player nonetheless. He dates multiple women at once, sleeps with them all and doesn't call them later. Chandler is a commitment-phobe, he desperately wants love and attention and seeks it out but when he gets it, he's likely to run away. He knew it was an issue, whereas Joey didn't see his lifestyle as much of an issue until he was ready to settle down. Does that make sense? Lol hopefully you watch Friends and know what I'm talking about.

[Wiseman2]

Players don't want relationships, which is what your post describes.. Commitmentphobes are in relationships, but not with the right person or with people who want to move along faster to marriage moving in kids etc than they do. So they are usually there, but just coasting along.

What's your definition of a commitment phobe then? Apparently they're all the traits of one from everything I've read

[j.man]

I'm not sure I'd call him a player. And if I were to call him a commitment-phobe, it would simply be that he feared a commitment with you, which isn't itself indicative of anything more than him not seeing a future with you.

 

The whole idea of jumping to the conclusion someone's a commitment-phobe following a breakup is the right idea executed in the wrong way. It suggests that there was nothing wrong with you, and that's great. Thumbs up for avoiding the self-deprecation phase that afflicts so many after being dumped. However, it also suggests there's something wrong with them, which definitely need not be the case.

 

You can invest your time and efforts into theories that cannot be proven and that only hinder your healing, or you can accept the only known reality that is he simply wanted the relationship to end.

[Sarahjb]

Players don't want relationships, which is what your post describes.. Commitmentphobes are in relationships, but not with the right person or with people who want to move along faster to marriage moving in kids etc than they do. So they are usually there, but just coasting along.

 

Yeah but he did want a relationship that's the thing be rushed me into one when I wasn't so sure about him. He wanted to meet my family straight away and make me commit right away. I think commitment phobes want relationships but they also fear them which is why they sabotage them when things get serious. For me a player is someone who sleeps around someone else mentioned

[Sarahjb]

I'm not sure I'd call him a player. And if I were to call him a commitment-phobe, it would simply be that he feared a commitment with you, which isn't itself indicative of anything more than him not seeing a future with you.

 

The whole idea of jumping to the conclusion someone's a commitment-phobe following a breakup is the right idea executed in the wrong way. It suggests that there was nothing wrong with you, and that's great. Thumbs up for avoiding the self-deprecation phase that afflicts so many after being dumped. However, it also suggests there's something wrong with them, which definitely need not be the case.

 

You can invest your time and efforts into theories that cannot be proven and that only hinder your healing, or you can accept the only known reality that is he simply wanted the relationship to end.

 

I strongly disagree with you. I think commitment phobia is a real thing. The biggest clue is their track record of short lived relationships and when someone goes from one extreme to the other (showering you with attention effection one day to not being ready for a relationship ) literally over night. That is disturbing behavior.

[Hermes]

"Commitment Phobia is a subconscious defensive style around intimate relating that either stops a person from forming romantic relationships altogether or stalls ongoing relationship processes that could deepen commitment. Importantly to really having this problem is that avoiding commitment is in harmony with the needs and goals of a person’s identity (the ego) that was formed early in life."

 

From:

 

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Yes, commitment-phobes do exist, although they are not QUITE the same thing as the confirmed bachelor.

 

However, if that is their stance in life then they should not lead the "other" on to believe that the relationship will be long-standing, or lead anywhere. Make their issue clear at the outset.

How can I forget that thread (was it last year?) that ran into well over a thousand posts on precisely this topic....

 

 

and:

 

"Should women spend time, energy, and emotion on a man who may never be a part of their future? All too often women say to themselves or their friends: “Well, he wouldn’t commit in the past, but I’m different. I have more patience than the other women he dated, and I am more understanding than most women. I can help him.”

 

If you have heard yourself saying the words “I can help him,” think of yourself as being trapped in the “wounded bird syndrome” in which your desire to nurse someone back to health is so strong that it clouds your logical thinking."

 

 

From:

 

 

[Sarahjb]

He even admits himself that he's messed up and it's nothing I did and I don't think it was me. Why? We had the perfect relationship.. never fought always got on so well. Nobody seen it coming his mother told him that he was making a huge mistake because I'm a sweetheart and all his friends and work colleges said that he would regret it because he was punching above his weight when he got with me. He said he knows all that's true and he's angry because he dosnt understand why he feels the way he does.

[ThatwasThen]

I can't say that I think your ex was a commitment phobe. I just think he's a serial monogamous who has a good line at the end of the relationship run.

 

I'm sure he's used the line 'its me and not you' many, many times as he plays away. Some people (not just men) only want the passion that the honeymoon phase entails and aren't sussed to be in anything long term. That doesn't make them a "commitment phobe" Even if it does, does it mean they suffer? If they do they quickly get over it and move onto their next pull.

 

BTW: Joey wasn't a player. He was a womanizer. Two different things. When you think of a player, think of James Bond and how he was successful in having women wherever he went. Women who would gladly lay with him again when he passed through their part of the world. He respected and was quite fond of women in general.

[Sarahjb]

 

 

 

This is an interesting article and basically describes everything that happend to me down to a "T"

[ThatwasThen]

 

 

This is an interesting article and basically describes everything that happend to me down to a "T"

Well, it's neither here nor there. I don't think he's actually suffering for having the dating strategy he has. The women he gets with may though.

 

Adding: The "high speed" dater is always to be considered a red flag so 'buyer" beware.

[Sarahjb]

My uncle was the same when he was in his 20's. He was really charming and the ladies loved him he changed girlfriend like he changed his socks. He seemed to have it all going for him. Fast forward to now he's in his 50s and hasn't been in a relationship for years because he's attracted to girls in there 20s who don't want him and he lives with his mother.

[Sarahjb]

Has never been married and has no kids

[ThatwasThen]

My uncle was the same when he was in his 20's. He was really charming and the ladies loved him he changed girlfriend like he changed his socks. He seemed to have it all going for him. Fast forward to now he's in his 50s and hasn't been in a relationship for years because he's attracted to girls in there 20s who don't want him and he lives with his mother.

I suspect he's still getting laid whenever he wants it though. Yes? No? How would you know?

 

We know a player in his 60's that is still pulling chicks in their 30's because of his charm and wit. *shrugs* There is an exception to every rule. He was in 7th heaven when Online dating came on the scene and he could stop using "phone chat" to hook up.

[Wiseman2]

It's best to go no contact and stop hoping for fwb or chasing him or for him to change etc. He's just not that into relationships.

 

Great exit lines like these are more indicative of a player.

he's angry because he dosnt understand why he feels the way he does.

[Hermes]

"These people pursue you like crazy, put you on a pedalstal, worship the ground you walk on , rush to help you out, do whatever it takes to win you're trust, talks about the future, rushes you into committing to them (the irony). They're usually very charming and seductive. They're like salesmen in the dating world with a huge "win you over campaign". But if something seems too good to be true it usually is (note to self).

"

 

Far too quick attachment and expression. This of itself is a huge red flag.

 

"You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship."

 

From an article by Dr. Joe Carver

[Sarahjb]

I have gone no contact. I feel much better but I have been reading so many things about commitment phobes and he has every trait and behaviour of one it's uncanny. I'm in a much better place cause I blamed myself but it really wasn't me all along. He's "seeing" someone now and this girl is obese. The funny thing I'm always on a strict diet and exercise everyday and keep looking fit . When I did have cheat days he'd way stuff like "don't over eat" " keep that body the way it is then he starts seeing a girl who looks obses and really trashy . Honestly I'm like cinderella and she's like the ugly step sister... as mean as it sounds I'm venting and it's true. But my sympathy is with herror because it won't be long before he puts her through the same thing

[Sarahjb]

"These people pursue you like crazy, put you on a pedalstal, worship the ground you walk on , rush to help you out, do whatever it takes to win you're trust, talks about the future, rushes you into committing to them (the irony). They're usually very charming and seductive. They're like salesmen in the dating world with a huge "win you over campaign". But if something seems too good to be true it usually is (note to self).

"

 

Far too quick attachment and expression. This of itself is a huge red flag.

 

"You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship."

 

From an article by Dr. Joe Carver

 

Very true ... I won't be falling for that act again.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe your personality turned him off?

I'm like cinderella and she's like the ugly step sister.

[Sarahjb]

Maybe your personality turned him off?

 

I would never say things like that I'm just venting and I wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone's feelings the girl will never see this. I'm just saying what everyone else was thinking and I'm actually a really kind caring and down to earth person

[Blue Spiral]

I'm both a commitmentphobe (though I believe that my phobia is justified) and emotionally unavailable. I've only been in two monogamous relationships in my life, and neither one lasted a year. Six months might be closer. Granted, I wasn't able to be emotionally faithful for even a week or two. Anyway, I believe that there are many different types of people that fall into these basic categories, but here are some things to know about me:

 

1. I'm extremely comfortable with moderate emotional connections, but I'm greatly freaked out by true emotional intimacy. I'm talking about close-range day-to-day stuff. When I was in relationships, I felt completely overwhelmed. I've literally never been my true self around anyone. Even my girlfriends only got to see about fifty percent of me.

 

2. Though I'm OK with some emotional stuff, I only really care about sex and view everything else as being extraneous.

 

3. I'm not a pursue-heavily, sweep-women-off-of-their-feet guy. When it comes to effort, I'm strictly a minimalist. I do fall for women very quickly, however, and I do have a tendency to put them on a pedestal, but I'm working on that.

[Sarahjb]

I'm both a commitmentphobe (though I believe that my phobia is justified) and emotionally unavailable. I've only been in two monogamous relationships in my life, and neither one lasted a year. Six months might be closer. Granted, I wasn't able to be emotionally faithful for even a week or two. Anyway, I believe that there are many different types of people that fall into these basic categories, but here are some things to know about me:

 

1. I'm extremely comfortable with moderate emotional connections, but I'm greatly freaked out by true emotional intimacy. I'm talking about close-range day-to-day stuff. When I was in relationships, I felt completely overwhelmed. I've literally never been my true self around anyone. Even my girlfriends only got to see about fifty percent of me.

 

2. Though I'm OK with some emotional stuff, I only really care about sex and view everything else as being extraneous.

 

3. I'm not a pursue-heavily, sweep-women-off-of-their-feet guy. When it comes to effort, I'm strictly a minimalist. I do fall for women very quickly, however, and I do have a tendency to put them on a pedestal, but I'm working on that.

 

 

Funny that you mention you have never truly been yourself with someone else. I got that with my ex.. I only ever seen one side to him which just seemed a little fake like he was always happy... not that that'she a bad thing but it just seemed unrealistic I never seen him sad/angry. He was very bad at cummication. He will avoid confrontation at all costs but you can't just switch off some emotions without switching them all off. I always felt like I never got to know him properly and he was holding back. He never really talked about his past or his childhood either he wanted to give the impression of this perfect life which just seemed fake