Do commitment phobes realise they have a problem? Or care about how they hurt pe

[Elva]

I think my problem is I have a very soft/gentle personality and I trust to easily. These kind of Jerks can sense that from miles away and see me as the perfect target. The abusive guy that I spoke of was very controlling. I was only 17 when I got with him and he was my first boyfriend. I had nothing to compare him to and started to think his behaviour was normal. After a year I eventually started to wake up and realise how unhealthy this was and I left and never looked back

 

Sarah, I think you're learning a lot of the things I am finally learning a lot younger--so be happy about that! I was similarly in a controlling relationship (probably borderline abusive) when I was young, and then I was in a long distance relationship with my commitmentphobe (and although I think there were probably other things going on too, based on Steven Carter's works he would tick all the commitmentphobia boxes). I realize I probably didn't see as many commitment red flags because my relationship had so much built in distance; the other aspect is that my ex also has anxiety and when he did show commitment avoidant traits I tried to be really understanding because of his mental health issues (and I realize I handled them all wrong now).

 

To your general thread question, I think some commitmentphobes are self aware enough to realize the issue they have. I think my ex realises he has a problem with commitment (we broke up once before but kept in contact and we talked about just how conflicted he was feeling, then it all happened again when we got engaged and he told me not to waste anymore time on him)--but if they haven't gotten to the point where they are saying "I can't be in a committed relationship" and have chosen to be committed bachelors/bachelorettes or decided they do want a committed relationship and are actively seeking help (which if I recall correctly, Steven Carter talks about having done himself in "Getting to Commitment"), they are probably still in a cycle of thinking they just haven't met the elusive "one" yet. And from what I have read it's not that commitmentphobes won't marry--it can be another significant life event that sends them bolting: buying a house, first child, even a significant anniversary. In my case it really was probably lucky my ex pulled the plug before I immigrated and ended up alone in another country without family support and a place to stay, or a child, etc.

 

I know how puzzling this sort of commitmentphobic behaviour is. I don't think it's a bad thing to have a term to call it to help you process what happened, and only you really know your experience of the relationship to assess this. It's too easy to think you did something wrong when the other person has commitment anxiety when you really didn't do anything wrong, there was nothing you could do, nobody else you could be; you just have to take the lesson from this and look for the signs in future and whether you have any patterns you want to change. I'm doing a lot of counseling myself now because I really don't want to get involved in a situation like this again in future.