Getting tired of feeling like an object by men.

[Sarahjb]

I was always a really awkward looking teenager with acne. I was the quiet type, with lots of insecuritys, I had few friends and didn't really fit in. When I was around 17 I bloomed and became really attractive. With good looks came all this new attention that I wasn't used to from guys. I was loving it at first and had new found confidence.

 

Fast forward to now I'm 22 and I feel really alone and find it hard to find a decent guy. Everyone always says "you could have anyone you want" and my friends almost seem annoyed when I complain about being single as if I'm being unreasonable. Like it's so crazy that I would have any trouble in that department which is not the case at all.

 

Yes I get attention I get a lot of attention. But I'm sick of feeling like I'm some kind of trophy for men to bag. It's like they don't even care about getting to know me properly or ask me questions about me. I always attract shallow Jerks who sleep with lots of women and see me as another notch in their belt. It's hard to know when someone likes you or if they're being sincere. I'm sure most women have that same problem but imagine what It's like when you're being objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. They make me feel like my looks is all I have to offer. They see the blonde hair, slim waist and big breasts and think I'm some sort of bimbo but I'm far from it.

 

I'm just feeling very disheartened lately and feel like I want to give up on the idea of having a relationship. I was talking to one of my friends who happens to be a man and he said that he would hate to date me because of all the attention all the time would drive him crazy and make him paranoid. Do I intimate normal nice guys without even meaning to? I'm actually quite a shy down to earth person.

[happpybear]

I've found that the way to weed out the guys looking for a trophy is to not jump into sex right away. I have always waited until we have had the exclusivity talk before I let a man into my body. During that time, you should be able to reasonable determine whether he's in it for your looks or because he genuinely likes your personality.

 

I do sympathise, over the years I have really disliked receiving purely looks-based attention. I think you are at an age though, where it's really common and you are likely attracting the attentions of all manner of men, of all ages, including young guys that are perhaps more focused on getting a "hot" chick to date, rather than prioritizing personality and compatibility, due to hormones and immaturity

[LightWave93]

Your beauty may intimidate a lot of the decent guys, because they will assume you're being hit on all the time and that you wouldn't want attention from them. I know I would, personally. Only thing I can suggest is starting to making approaches yourself, to men you perceive as being decent and not just looking for another notch on their belt. I understand you're shy, but trust me when I say that if a bloke were approached by you they would greatly appreciate it. Of course, make sure you take things slow with anyone so you can tell for sure if they actually want you for you.

 

Unfortunately with attractiveness (as a woman especially) comes a lot of unwanted attention. You have to weed out the idiots, but you will find a few diamonds in the rough if you keep searching.

[Hollyj]

There are a lot of good guys out there, unfortunately you are choosing the players. You are the common denominator. The players usually give themselves away early, you need to listen to what they say. If someone is proclaiming how great you are, or that they want a relationship before you even know them, then they are a player.

 

You need to understand who you are choosing and why. Do you go out with the guys that are very charming/players? I suggest you join some groups, where you can share interests. I also suggest volunteering.

[Sarahjb]

I don't think I choose the players I actually avoid them. They're just the type to approach me or show interest in me. I wouldn't give that type of guy the time of day. I also don't jump into sex straight away I'm very protective over myself and getting hurt maybe a little too protective

[Seraphim]

There are nice guys out there. Really. I met my husband who was a prince in a pile of frogs.

[Hollyj]

I don't think I choose the players I actually avoid them. They're just the type to approach me or show interest in me. I wouldn't give that type of guy the time of day. I also don't jump into sex straight away I'm very protective over myself and getting hurt maybe a little too protective

 

That's smart. As I suggested, join some groups, or do something for your community. I have met a lot of great guys through my volunteering activities. They were friends, but the majority, were looking for serious relationships and are great guys.

[j.man]

You're attractive. You're going to get more attention both good and bad. Ask yourself if you'd rather be ugly and I'm sure you'd give yourself the honest answer. Developing and improving your filter and thickening your skin are small prices to pay considering the social and professional benefits.

[happpybear]

I agree with jman, getting too much or the wrong sort of attention is just going to be a fact of life for you. I will say that what I have found is that the quality of attention has improved with age (i'm 35). The attention I get now is much more respectful than wait I used to receive at your age.

[DancingFool]

I don't think I choose the players I actually avoid them. They're just the type to approach me or show interest in me. I wouldn't give that type of guy the time of day. I also don't jump into sex straight away I'm very protective over myself and getting hurt maybe a little too protective

 

Hate to burst your bubble, but players are a bit like rabid starving dogs, they'll hit on anything that moves, pulse optional.

 

As an attractive woman, I can tell you honestly and from experience, that being attractive is a definite advantage and no, it doesn't intimidate good guys. However, your looks may draw men to you, but what happens when you open your mouth is a separate issue and it will either send good guys running for hills or running after you. That is up to you.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, trust issues, etc, etc, etc. You've got to work on that. Unfortunately, one thing with good men is that they seek women without those problems. If you show that you have issues, they'll just melt away into the sunset and all you'll be left with are players with the patience to play you for a good lay....or so they hope anyway.

 

Looks only start the conversation........

[greta96]

The bad news is that this predicament will last for a looong chunk of your life. The good news is that the more time goes by, the less it will get to you because it becomes a normal part of your life so you'll just not notice it as much.

A lot of people think exactly the way your friends think "Eh, she can have anyone she wants, woo is me, bring out the tiny violin". The problem is, you don't want just *anyone*, you want someone special, and that someone special doesn't come along as often as people seem to believe. In my case, for every 50 men who were giving me attention, only maybe 2 gave me the right kind of attention. Everything else...I could have done without.

You can't do anything to change things, but what you can do is make sure you act in a way that doesn't give anyone the impression that you are a piece of meat. And even then, some will *still* try and treat you like a piece of meat, which is depressing but it is what it is.

You will also have do deal with mean coworkers, gossip and other 'fun' stuff. Your problems will always seem as *less* to them, because lots will say "meh, she's pretty, she will get her way eventually". Because you know, being attractive solves everything (not!).

 

I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I really don't. It's hard not to let it get to you, because when you are being objectified over and over and over again, when you are always unsure whether they like you for you or just as a new notch on their belts, it starts to do a number on you. It truly messes with everything, your self esteem, the way you see and interact with people, it can lead you into depression eventually. I guess my only advice is to just be yourself and do your best to minimize the degree to which it affects you. That is, until you get old and then you won't be having this problem anymore

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself and relax. Guys hit on girls it is what it is, can't change that. What you can change is any hint of 'every clown in town is after me' vibe. .

I always attract shallow Jerks who sleep with lots of women and see me as another notch in their belt.

 

[video=youtube;vziUC1IT0wo] ]

[Jinsky]

The 'objectification' may not end anytime soon, but you'll miss out if you focus on the problem instead of the answer. Just like how people may make unjustified assumptions about you, please don't forget to understand the other person.

 

That being said, jerks do exist. But so are nice guys! How about going to different places on top of the current ones and associate with men you'd rather be with?

Beauty can intimidate some people (or maybe they are shy!). Sometimes they are a little cautious to approach. In this case, use a subtle seduction. Let them know you are interested to know him, let them peek at what kind of person you are. Get to know them while slowly tug, but give them the honor to feel the victory of securing you in (they deserve it!)

 

PS : Subtle seduction is not a game. It is a way of courting.

[Sarahjb]

It is possible that I don't go to the right places too meet nice guys maybe I should try to work on that. It could be alot to do with my age and being young. Maybe some of you are right maybe I'm the problem maybe I'm emotionally unavailable. But there's no doubt I'm actually a creep magnet. I had to change my privacy settings on Facebook recently because I was getting so many messages off weirdos it was becoming like spam. Quite a lot of them said the exact same thing. You're a nurse? Because I'm suddenly feeling sick. Like wow really original haha I actually am a nurse btw so I get that one alot

[Jibralta]

Uggh, I don't miss that element of my 20s AT ALL. Very tiresome. Sometimes convenient, but mostly tiresome. And embarrassing. And uncomfortable.

 

It does go away, and respect does increase. But in the meantime, tell them to buzz off. I routinely flipped people off and screamed at them. But then, I'm from New Jersey.

 

Do you have any male friends?

 

I ask because you say that maybe you're not going to the right place. But nice guys are everywhere. There is no right place. Maybe get to know the guys in your everyday life a little better.

[Sarahjb]

I don't have much guys in my everyday life i have one of my best friends who's a guy that I know years and my everyday life is just me being in a hospital and trust me I don't meet anyone there.

[DancingFool]

I don't have much guys in my everyday life i have one of my best friends who's a guy that I know years and my everyday life is just me being in a hospital and trust me I don't meet anyone there.

 

I've always found that co-ed sports and other active or outdoorsy hobbies are awesome for meeting fun, active, decent guys and in general easy way to expand your social circle.

As for online, everyone is overwhelmed with creeps. You really have to have a thick skin and a very powerful filter on to eliminate all the trash, not to mention the patience to sift through all that. It's a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack.

[Blue Spiral]

Hate to burst your bubble, but players are a bit like rabid starving dogs, they'll hit on anything that moves, pulse optional.

 

Some will. Some won't. If a woman isn't at least a seven, I ignore her existence, myself. I've practically tripped over grandmothers and overweight women, because I just don't see them.

[rayfutz]

he said that he would hate to date me because of all the attention all the time would drive him crazy and make him paranoid.

 

Do I intimidate normal nice guys without even meaning to?

 

Long answer: yes.

Good looking girl gets hit on a lot> meets nice guy>dates for a bit> she knows she is dating and has to be loyal and all that.. but still craves all the attention she is not getting>so she gets the attention and allows guys to hit on her without shutting them down.

 

^^ That would be a typical scenario most guys will ponder, whether they admit it or play it cool, they are thinking it. Ill explain:

 

Yeah, a lot of guys are going to have insecurities here. Its a real possibility, especially with a good looking girl who was not always that way. This is not directed at you, I don't know you. This is in general. I would be worried that a girl in that place, and lets be real here, who was as she says not always good looking... then one day is and guys hit on her. Of course most girls are going to use that as a boost and crave it when they don't have it. And I would be worried if I slipped up and made her mad one day, or maybe didn't understand something she told me.. that she would go to the local bar that night and let guys hit on her so she could find someone who could fulfill her. Cause it would be that easy for her to do.

 

You are asking if it is a concern for nice guys. Yeah, its a concern for anyone. Once you find that right guy, its going to be work for a while to build trust. Once you have it dont loose it.

If you ever meet a guy who is ok with you hitting on other guys and basically does not care, does not bother him etc.. then watch out, cause he will be doing the same stuff to you. Cause he is ok with it.

[gaseousclay]

You could reverse roles and engage men that appeal to you rather than have men throw themselves at you. You get to decide who you're with. The other reality is that a lot of men find attractive women unapproachable because of their looks. I think the assumption is that they're taken, and it's true, most are.

[Sportster2005]

Most men probably think you're attractive, but I doubt they think you're a bimbo. I think you're projecting. Regardless of what you look like, your attitude, like everyone else, will have a lot to do with success. You are blessed, not cursed by good looks. It's been overwhelmingly studied and documented, good looking people go through life benefiting from good looks.

 

When you believe something to be true, regardless if it is or not, you will bias your own thinking to make sure it stays true.

[katrina1980]

 

As an attractive woman, I can tell you honestly and from experience, that being attractive is a definite advantage and no, it doesn't intimidate good guys. However, your looks may draw men to you, [i]but what happens when you open your mouth is a separate issue and it will either send good guys running for hills or running after you. That is up to you.[/i]

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, trust issues, etc, etc, etc. You've got to work on that. Unfortunately, one thing with good men is that they seek women without those problems. If you show that you have issues, they'll just melt away into the sunset and all you'll be left with are players with the patience to play you for a good lay....or so they hope anyway.

 

Looks only start the conversation........

 

+1000! Especially the bolded. Took the words right outta my mouth (or off my keyboard).

 

It's also how you present yourself, your energy. If you present yourself with dignity and class, you WILL be treated as such, even by the so-called "players."

 

If you walk around expecting men to objectify you... then you WILL be objectified.

 

Expect the best from men, project that, and you will get the best from them.

 

What the hell is a 'player' anyway? I am so sick of that word.

 

A confident man who dates many women until he finds the one he wants to focus solely on? Or who has the courage to boldly approach women?

 

Please define.

 

If you mean a man who lies and deceives women in order to accomplish a goal, he would be called a 'sociopath.'

[Zippy2000]

Your friend is right. It be a nightmare to go out with you. I used to date a girl with huge boobs. Sge was a size 16 and boobs to go with it and I was fed up of the men ho would stare at her chest.

 

However that said you are a beautiful person but its up to you to learn how to filter out these men who want to use you.

 

Im a shy and decent guy and I ve seen really good women before and I think id have no chance. So this is maybe where the problem is. Us men who want just sex take their chances.

 

If you do date. Hold off from sex for a few months. Let the men romance you give it time. People show their true behaviours through time.

[moodindigo91]

Well any guy who would hate to date you because you get attention from others is an insecure guy who you probably wouldn't want to date anyway, what a hub of problems that would be.

 

I can relate to your situation, while I'm not that great looking, I am sought after by men regularly. I think you should just change your mindset. You seem to be around all the wrong men, and your hope and need for a relationship sounds like a problem. In my opinion, any woman whose goal it is to find a relationship, find love or their soulmate will be the ones who run into the most problems finding exactly that. Just do you, who cares what men are doing lol

[Jabron1]

+1000! Especially the bolded. Took the words right outta my mouth (or off my keyboard).

 

It's also how you present yourself, your energy. If you present yourself with dignity and class, you WILL be treated as such, even by the so-called "players."

 

If you walk around expecting men to objectify you... then you WILL be objectified.

 

Expect the best from men, project that, and you will get the best from them.

 

What the hell is a 'player' anyway? I am so sick of that word.

 

A confident man who dates many women until he finds the one he wants to focus solely on? Or who has the courage to boldly approach women?

 

Please define.

 

If you mean a man who lies and deceives women in order to accomplish a goal, he would be called a 'sociopath.'

 

Listen to the girl. She knows what she's saying.

 

What the hell is a 'player' anyway?

 

I genuinely have no idea. This should be its own thread

 

If I don't know, I'm not sure anyone does.