You've Got (old) Mail

[forester252]

I met my boyfriend of two years on a popular online dating website. We both continued to date other people via online dating for several months. Three months after we had our first date we decided to date exclusively.

 

Recently, we've been talking about marriage. We've moved in together, and things have been going extremely well for us. I've never had a reason to mistrust him, and never thought I would. Lately, I've been excited about his plans to propose (he mentioned to me that he had a plan, but that I couldn't know anything about it). I have been so curious to know if he's been looking at rings, or if he's planning some sort of surprise, that I looked through the search history on his computer browser yesterday. I know that a lot of people struggle with trust, and I realize that invading someone's privacy is not something that is acceptable. In this case, I truly wasn't snooping in order to appease some desire to know if he was faithful to me, I just wanted to know if he'd made any plans or if he was searching for different types of rings.

 

I did find evidence that he was looking to propose to me, but I also found that he'd re-visited several old e-mails with correspondence from women on the online dating website we were both on. These e-mails were very old (they pre-date us dating), but when I clicked on them, I noticed that he'd kept them in his very limited inbox. All of these had phone numbers attached to them. I know my boyfriend well enough to know that he wouldn't keep random e-mails that he didn't care about anymore in his inbox (he's the type to keep less than 50 in there at all times).

 

I confronted him about this, yet I didn't really want him to find out that I'd been really looking for evidence that he was going to propose, so I told him that I saw the e-mails earlier in the day when he'd been on his e-mail account and I'd been sitting next to him. He immediately told me that they were over two years old, and told me that he'd just forgotten that they were in his inbox. He assured me that he didn't need to keep those e-mails for any reason—and he deleted them.

 

The biggest issue that I have is that he did know that those e-mails were there, and had obviously kept them for some reason, even if it was just to look at them later on. He lied to me about knowing that they were there—but on the other hand I obviously didn't tell him that the entire reason I knew they were there is because I'd looked through his browser history.

 

I am stuck right now. I'm debating if I should flat-out tell him that I found the e-mails because l looked through his browser history, and ask him why he'd need to revisit them. Or, if I should accept his word that they don't mean anything to him and let this go.

[Clinton]

At this stage id tell him the truth and have it out. Otherwise it will continueto bug you and it will fester in your mind.

[Wiseman2]

Seriously? He's proposing and you snooped to see if he bought you a ring yet (supposedly) and you are jealous of some 2 yr old forgotten emails? Sure go ahead and tell him you snooped or lie and save face while you mistrust him for ancient inbox crap.

[JustinCase2]

I think the result of this is going to look worse on you than it does on him. Regardless of your intentions, you WERE snooping. And now you're going to tell him you're upset by something you "accidentally" found? Sorry, I don't think he's going to buy that and it's going to make you look bad. Is he going to look forward to spending the rest of his life with someone that invades his privacy, even if they think they have good intent? I think not, and I think you'd be wise to never do that again, and not say one more word about this. He did nothing wrong by keeping those old emails, and he did nothing wrong by opening them. And you have no proof that he did anything more than that with them. He deleted them. It's over. I'd let it go.

[ThatwasThen]

Or, if I should accept his word that they don't mean anything to him and let this go.

I vote for that ^^^

 

He immediately deleted them when he saw that you didn't like the fact that they were saved. Unless he's been showing you other or any evidence that he's been burning both ends of the candle then what is the issue?

 

Quit snooping. You were very immature to be looking to see if he was going to propose and what his plan was. You'll be lucky if he doesn't start wishing he had kept those numbers to use when he breaks up with you if he finds out you're the type to invade his privacy the way you did.

 

So: HAS he been showing you any suspect behaviour other then the obvious proposal surprise secrecy?

[j.man]

I truly wasn't snooping in order to appease some desire to know if he was faithful to me, I just wanted to know if he'd made any plans or if he was searching for different types of rings.

I wrote a story back in kindergarten about a dinosaur that flew a fighter jet that was better than this.

[ThatwasThen]

I wrote a story back in kindergarten about a dinosaur that flew a fighter jet that was better than this.

*laughing here*

[kbbcoop77]

This is why you don't snoop

[Madbostonian]

Personally, I think you should take his word for it that it meant nothing to him. He deleted them, didn't he? I think that if he was looking to propose to you, like you say he was, then some 2 yr old emails would have been the last thing on his mind. I think he's telling the truth when he said he'd just forgotten they were there.

 

But really, stop snooping through his things. It's not really a healthy basis to build a relationship on.

[Gary Snyder]

Lot's of people keep romantic stuff from ghosts of girlfriends past, and don't have the sense to delete them. Get over it.

 

And stop snooping in people's personal stuff. You have no right to complain after you've opened Pandora's box. On a lighter note, congrats on the wedding!

[tattoobunnie]

I have endless emails from exes from the past 20 years in the same email address in their own folders.

 

I am happily married with kids.

 

You snooped, found super old email, and you're trying to hang him for it? Um, hello?! Wake up, and let it go. I have journals where I've poured my heart out about my exes - should I throw those out too?

 

Stop taking out your old baggage onto your future. I guarantee that's why this is even an issue for you.

[Heather Dawn]

Shame on you for trying to ruin his attempts at surprising you with a proposal, too.

[RainyCoast]

does one's browser history really show they've opened a particular item on day such and such? i thought it only says "gmail" or whatever and when you click it leads you to the inbox, not a particular letter?

 

i have a shortcut somewhere that was supposed to lead to a specific letter, but when i click it, i just get into my inbox. not sure it's the same thing, but it's a bit of a weird coincidence to just chance upon the email with the number of some girl. and another girl. and another girl...

[Jibralta]

I keep old letters and stuff, too. I don't see anything wrong with that. However, I agree with Clinton: If it bothers you, have it out with him. This is a person that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. You should be able to discuss anything, and the relationship should survive a few disagreements.

[LightWave93]

does one's browser history really show they've opened a particular item on day such and such? i thought it only says "gmail" or whatever and when you click it leads you to the inbox, not a particular letter?

 

i have a shortcut somewhere that was supposed to lead to a specific letter, but when i click it, i just get into my inbox. not sure it's the same thing, but it's a bit of a weird coincidence to just chance upon the email with the number of some girl. and another girl. and another girl...

 

It really depends on the website/browser. I won't go into the technical side of things, but essentially you'll have some sites that treat individual emails as a separate link, and others where all emails are opened up through a main link (EG. Your shortcut). So with that in mind, that side of her story could be truthful.

 

As for the OP; he deleted them, I think that goes to show how honest he's been. You, however, need to stop snooping regardless of your intentions as to why. The guy's about to propose to you, for God sake! This is how good relationships fall apart! Just, DON'T.