How did you know it was time to end NC?

[Cope]

Basically, what the title says.

 

I want to contact him right now and i am sure i am not ready, so i was wondering, when did you know it was time and actually successfully contacted your ex ? When i say successfully i do not mean getting back together, i mean contacting them casual without second guessing the context of their messages as in "he sent a kiss, does this means he still cares?"

 

How did you know it was the right time? Has anyone ever succeeded at this? It seems so hard and all i read about is how a lot of us just slip and send a message and hell breaks loose and you have to start over etc etc

[Robin2904]

If you have to ask then you aren't in a place to do so.

 

And I don't think ending NC should be something people harp on and should even be a goal. If you get to the point where you're okay with not being in NC it means you're over it and them and at that point why would you even really want to contact them? I guess the goal should more be to not care and reach a stage of indifference and then not care if you speak to them one way or another.

[rich46]

Erm, I am quite clear when it comes to myself and NC, i.e. it is forever.

 

If the dumper wants to initiate contact, then I would deal with that as and when it happened. Certainly, the onus should be on the dumper in my opinion.

 

However, in terms of how long it took me to become indifferent to contact with my exes, then I would guess a good few years. My first love got back in touch with me a few years down the line and I felt nothing, which seemed like an unthinkable scenario in the aftermath of that break up when I was as down as I've ever been. With the most recent break up some 13 months ago, it has been NC the whole way and I like to think I am doing well and in the late 90 percentage range of being over it.....but no way would I want to contact her and risk a setback!

 

Hope that made sense!

[Clinton]

How do you know when it's time to end NC? Hell froze over.

[greta96]

If I decide to go NC on someone, it's forever. It means I never want to see the person again or have anything to do with them. Why would I even consider breaking it?

You need to stop lying to yourself. The fact that you are wondering when to end NC and reach out means that you do want another shot at being with them, otherwise you wouldn't bother and the thought of them wouldn't even cross your mind.

[Cope]

Yes , i am totally not ready for contact !!!! That's why i was wondering in the first place. I'm like, ok i would love to contact him now to see how he's doing, but i know i will just keep hoping for him to change his mind, i haven't moved on yet, so i wondered, when do you know?

 

I started no contact and told him i would because he said he wanted to remain friends (and he does mean it). I told him I usually do not keep in touch, but with him i might try because we weren't in a long term relationship. So i told him i will go no contact till i thought i was ready to handle our communication without reserving false hopes of getting back together. I also told him if we talk again and i still get confused, i will cut contact once and for all.

 

So i know how it is with my other exes, like Clinton's wonderful reaction "Hell froze over"!! But with this one, i honestly think we can make it. Of course, i will know that after i totally get over him, right now i am not that objective. Yet, he has done nothing bad to me, neither i to him. We ended it almost mutual. I wanted more, he didn't, we talked about it and ended it. A huge reason was that is was LDR.

 

So has anyone gone from NC to contact again after a break up ending in good terms?

[Billie28]

You only broke up a week or so ago?! NC is forever.

The only time you should ever contemplate to break that is when you realise you don't actually want to.

[JA0371]

I think it's a bit harsh to expect someone to 'never' contact someone again after a breakup. Why does it have to be so absolute? We as humans are so fluid with our emotions. I have felt like I never wanted to see or speak to someone before only to change my mind months later once the dust settled. Time does have a way of softening things.

 

To the OP if you already know that eventually you do want to try being this persons friend without any expectation then wait it out. If you're still feeling anxious or know it would hurt you to know he is dating someone else, then you're not ready. You might actually decide that you really don't want to be his friend...but only time will tell that.

[DoF]

Never. The only exception to ending no contact is if there is a child involved and relationship is CHILD ONLY.

 

Otherwise, no contact is FOREVER.

 

What's the point anyways. You can't be friends with Ex, as the second there is attraction there is no friendship. So no point to pretend.

 

And also you will prevent yourself from finding a great person that you really want....as NONE will consider you while you have unfinished business/or engage with your Ex. Think about it, would you date someone that has "relationship of any kind" with an ex?

 

Sounds like you have lot more healing to do....

 

Good luck

[Andrina]

You will be driving away future love interests if you are "friends" with an ex. It doesn't matter how short the relationship was. You had sex with him. Likewise, his future gf won't likely accept him communicating with you and you will be axed from his life once again. Just because "friendship" is what he wants, doesn't mean you have to give in to other people's wants. A friend is someone you invest time and emotional energy into. Why would you want to spend your precious time on someone who dumped you? Save that for a real friend who is worthy of you.

[Billie28]

I think it's a bit harsh to expect someone to 'never' contact someone again after a breakup. Why does it have to be so absolute? We as humans are so fluid with our emotions. I have felt like I never wanted to see or speak to someone before only to change my mind months later once the dust settled. Time does have a way of softening things.

 

To the OP if you already know that eventually you do want to try being this persons friend without any expectation then wait it out. If you're still feeling anxious or know it would hurt you to know he is dating someone else, then you're not ready. You might actually decide that you really don't want to be his friend...but only time will tell that.

 

As the dumpee it is necessary to make NC absolute. And a requirement for self healing.

The OP can't possibly decide if friendship is on the agenda with emotions involved.

Your past experience might be that you thought you never want to contact someone again and feelings softened , however , we are not talking about you. We are talking about someone who only after one week of being dumped wants to contact the dumper. Different story!

So at this point the best thing for the OP is to consider NC as infinite.

And as I said earlier the NC can be broken when the OP realises she doesn't care about contact or not.

[Wiseman2]

Has he contacted you?

[JA0371]

As the dumpee it is necessary to make NC absolute. And a requirement for self healing.

The OP can't possibly decide if friendship is on the agenda with emotions involved.

Your past experience might be that you thought you never want to contact someone again and feelings softened , however , we are not talking about you. We are talking about someone who only after one week of being dumped wants to contact the dumper. Different story!

So at this point the best thing for the OP is to consider NC as infinite.

And as I said earlier the NC can be broken when the OP realises she doesn't care about contact or not.

 

Absolute black and white thinking. The poster asked for advice. I gave her my POV from MY experience. Also....it is only a week out of a breakup. Of course the advice is going to be different than someone way past the breakup. I am not even advocating that she be 'friends' with him, sometimes that just simply isn't possible. However speaking in 'absolute' terms really doesn't help anyone heal. In fact it may even hinder the process. JMO

[Hermes]

Robin sums it up:

 

"If you get to the point where you're okay with not being in NC it means you're over it and them and at that point why would you even really want to contact them? I guess the goal should more be to not care and reach a stage of indifference and then not care if you speak to them one way or another."

[Hermes]

A book on the topic:

 

"How To Do No Contact Like A Boss!" by by Kim Saeed (Author), Mark Gifford (Editor)

[Billie28]

Absolute black and white thinking. The poster asked for advice. I gave her my POV from MY experience. Also....it is only a week out of a breakup. Of course the advice is going to be different than someone way past the breakup. I am not even advocating that she be 'friends' with him, sometimes that just simply isn't possible. However speaking in 'absolute' terms really doesn't help anyone heal. In fact it may even hinder the process. JMO

 

Grey areas of thinking are fine when no emotions are involved.

The OP barely knows this guy and thinks she wants friendship. Clearly that's emotions overriding rational thoughts.

It's all well and good to give advice speaking from experience but if the experience is not the same then advice given purely based on the OP's situation and disregarding your own is the best advice you can give.

The OP needs to think black and white right now.

[greta96]

Yes , i am totally not ready for contact !!!! That's why i was wondering in the first place. I'm like, ok i would love to contact him now to see how he's doing, but i know i will just keep hoping for him to change his mind, i haven't moved on yet, so i wondered, when do you know?

 

I started no contact and told him i would because he said he wanted to remain friends (and he does mean it). I told him I usually do not keep in touch, but with him i might try because we weren't in a long term relationship. So i told him i will go no contact till i thought i was ready to handle our communication without reserving false hopes of getting back together. I also told him if we talk again and i still get confused, i will cut contact once and for all.

 

So i know how it is with my other exes, like Clinton's wonderful reaction "Hell froze over"!! But with this one, i honestly think we can make it. Of course, i will know that after i totally get over him, right now i am not that objective. Yet, he has done nothing bad to me, neither i to him. We ended it almost mutual. I wanted more, he didn't, we talked about it and ended it. A huge reason was that is was LDR.

 

So has anyone gone from NC to contact again after a break up ending in good terms?

 

If you get to the point where you are 100% indifferent to the ex, you won't feel the urge to be his friend.

I'm sure there have been situations where 2 people who have dated managed to stay good friends, but a few things need to happen for this to be successful: 1. enough time must have passed since the breakup (and I'm not talking mere months) 2. both parties must harbor NO feelings for the other, No hope of reconciliation 3. preferably both parties need to have moved on and be in happy relationships with other people. Even then, it's a sticky situation because your current partner won't be too thrilled about you rekindling a friendship with an ex (i.e. someone you had sex with), and neither will his partner. Just look around this forum and see how many people are upset and hurt that their significant others are keeping in touch with their exes, and how many problems this causes!

 

But to answer your question directly, you know it's the right time to end NC when you feel ready to see your ex kissing and making out with someone else, and when you feel prepared to hear him talk to you about his new love, give him helpful advice and be genuinely happy for him. This is what friends are for, right? So unless you are ready to do the above, then you are in no way ready to break no contact.

[Hermes]

Well said Greta.

 

"....you know it's the right time to end NC when you feel ready to see your ex kissing and making out with someone else, and when you feel prepared to hear him talk to you about his new love, give him helpful advice and be genuinely happy for him. "

 

By which time you will have NO interest whatsoever in seeing or contacting him/her.

[SooSad33]

As mentioned... generally once you start.. you reach one month.. and keep going.

 

I have once caved in and contacted him after 5 weeks.. I did get some 'closure' but no getting back together.. of course.

 

In some ways you can look at the idea of NC, reason for BOTH to let the steam settle. Both are emotional, etc.

But, over time... it gets easier to not speak to them and you wonder WHY would I bother now?

 

No reason to? Dont do it.

[Tanzi]

Why does it have to be so absolute?

 

Because if your focus is on when to make contact with an ex you are not really focusing on the right goal. When you are absolutely over them you won't care whether you have contact with them or not. You can't move on to pastures new whilst your still grazing in the old field.

[Cope]

And also you will prevent yourself from finding a great person that you really want....as NONE will consider you while you have unfinished business/or engage with your Ex. Think about it, would you date someone that has "relationship of any kind" with an ex?

 

You will be driving away future love interests if you are "friends" with an ex. It doesn't matter how short the relationship was. You had sex with him. Likewise, his future gf won't likely accept him communicating with you and you will be axed from his life once again. Just because "friendship" is what he wants, doesn't mean you have to give in to other people's wants. A friend is someone you invest time and emotional energy into. Why would you want to spend your precious time on someone who dumped you? Save that for a real friend who is worthy of you.

 

Valid point! Thank you!

 

But to answer your question directly, you know it's the right time to end NC when you feel ready to see your ex kissing and making out with someone else, and when you feel prepared to hear him talk to you about his new love, give him helpful advice and be genuinely happy for him. This is what friends are for, right? So unless you are ready to do the above, then you are in no way ready to break no contact.

 

I agree, if i feel bad when he mentions a girl, then i should not be talking to him!

 

The OP can't possibly decide if friendship is on the agenda with emotions involved.

Your past experience might be that you thought you never want to contact someone again and feelings softened , however , we are not talking about you. We are talking about someone who only after one week of being dumped wants to contact the dumper. Different story!

So at this point the best thing for the OP is to consider NC as infinite.

And as I said earlier the NC can be broken when the OP realises she doesn't care about contact or not.

 

First off, i have to clarify that i know i am not in the right place to contact him, i thought i made that clear in the first post. I wanted to contact him, meaning, i thought about it, realized in seconds that i shouldn't and then wondered when will be the right time to do so.

 

I actually loved JA0371's advice. Even if i understand your point of view, i think you are being a bit harsh. JA0371 is right, the best way we can help each other is from our own experiences.

 

 

Grey areas of thinking are fine when no emotions are involved.

The OP barely knows this guy and thinks she wants friendship. Clearly that's emotions overriding rational thoughts.

It's all well and good to give advice speaking from experience but if the experience is not the same then advice given purely based on the OP's situation and disregarding your own is the best advice you can give.

The OP needs to think black and white right now.

 

I do not barely know him, i was just not that long involved with him to have developed problems and/or we never had any issues to begin with. Our relationship was short but in general we had a lot in common when it came to the way we view life. You are right about the friendship though, i am not being objective yet, too much emotions involved. Thank you for your advice!

 

 

 

Has he contacted you?

 

 

Nope. I was just at that point today and under the illusion most of us, i assume, get, that i would be able to contact him just to see what he's doing, genuinely caring etc etc..That lasted for like seconds, so i wondered when is the right time to end no contact. I am getting some good advice i can say.

 

 

As i mentioned above, i know i am not in a good spot to contact him now. I am giving myself at least a month, if i still feel like i want to vomit to the thought of him being with another woman, then i will continue. I am going to contact him mid summer cause i have to due to some practical aspect we left undone. I hope i will be able to contact him earlier cause if i contact him due to the issue, things will get confusing, he may start contacting me regularly again and i don't know if i can handle it.

 

Everyone's right about one thing, if i have the need to contact him, it probably means i still want to reconcile. Part of me wants to be ok with it and actually try to keep contact with him in case there is something truly there and we reconnect in the future, cause we were good together. I don't think i can handle it though. We will see. Life isn't black and white and as much as sometimes it is a good call to think like that, you never know what the future brings. This guy did nothing wrong to me,sometimes i wish he did, it would make it so much easier! I can sense from most of your responses that things didn't go well in the scenario you had in mind, like most of my exes. I would give the exact same advice. This is the first time i am breaking up with a "good guy" under good terms, that's why i am so confused.

 

 

Thank you all for your advice, all of you gave me good food for thought! This is getting really interesting, feel free to continue!

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you wait to see if he contacts you? Curiosity may get the best of you, but if his response is cold or rejecting or none at all you will feel worse.

[Cope]

Well, i wish i could wait to see if he contacts me, chances are he wont, because i didn't just ignore him or go no contact, i asked him to stop our communication. The day after the break up he texted me asking how i was, i answered, we had a normal small chat. As much as i enjoyed it, it hurt like hell and the worse was the anxiety of "is he gonna text me again?" . So i told him the next day that i need to go no contact cause i just can't chat like nothing has changed and when i feel better i would contact him again. I felt relieved caused that anxiety was over. I could not possibly continue to talk to him daily as if nothing happened. He agreed on the no contact. So i doubt that he will contact me. If he does that would make me happy, but i know and i am sure that he will respect my wish. I didn't even tell him to contact me if he changed his mind. If he can't handle the distance anymore, i'm out.

 

I am realizing how hard a LDR is, not that i didn't know, but in the aftermath it's easier to see the whole picture. So even in the almost zero chance of him wanting to get back together, i would ask him to give it time, we both do have things to do and we never had a plan. We both held back. I always hear people saying "if the love was real both of you wouldn't hold back" etc etc, yes that's partially true, but we are both way over 30 and he has had a bad experience with LD in the past, so i know how mature people can lose what others call the "spark" of falling in love and actually think through their desires before they act on them.

 

So , yeah, i am waiting to hit day 30 to see how i feel and decide if i am going to contact him or not. If in any weird chance he contacts me before i do, i will answer and if he makes it confusing i will ask and clarify once more.

[Wiseman2]

So the ball is in your court then?

i am waiting to hit day 30 to see how i feel and decide if i am going to contact him or not. If in any weird chance he contacts me before i do, i will answer and if he makes it confusing i will ask and clarify once more.

[Cope]

So the ball is in your court then?

 

Yup. And it feels good to be honest. No thoughts on why he isn't texting me or if he ever will etc.. I have all the time i need to heal from the rejection and if i ever want to contact him, i have the right to do so. What his answer will be is another thing. Although i do think he would be welcoming either now or months later. Not wanting-to-get-back-together welcoming, but friendly for sure.