fiance got a lapdance?

[starlight40]

ive suggested we do something at the weekend, something fun with his 2 9 year old twins (from his prev relationship) a nice fun family day

[Hermes]

Very constructive, Starlight. Sounds good.

[starlight40]

I think we need some time just to kick back and enjoy ourselves

[boltnrun]

So you've been together several years and he wants to marry you.

 

You don't really think he planned to throw all that away after 5 minutes of a stripper dancing in front of him...do you?

 

I think a fun weekend is a great idea.

 

But please don't project your insecurities onto him. He's not responsible for making you love your own body. HE obviously loves it, so try to accept and appreciate his love for you.

[Batya33]

we are ok I'm still feeling hurt but ive said I forgive him and we can move on, I have sat here with him tonight wanting to ask him ever last detail about it but ive held it all back I just hope the horrible jealous feeling will subside eventually

 

Your feelings are your feelings. It's how you choose to react to your feelings that is in your control. Please don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way about what he chose to do. I would not ask him for details -you weren't there and you will exaggerate them in your mind. I do not think it's your obligation to show him that your relationship is "fun" or that you are "desirable" in response to what he chose to do. If you want to do that anyway, fine.

[BrokenGator]

So this is totally about your insecurities about your appearance.

 

If those things bother you, do something about them!

 

They obviously don't bother him since he plans to marry you.

 

If you can't get a handle on your insecurities you will drive him away. Then you'll be making what you fear will happen, happen.

 

Do you honestly believe he no longer loves you?

What you just said there makes no sense. Self esteem or not, he needs to respect her and the relationship he has with her. If he feels like needs to get lap dances from strippers then he needs to be out of the relationship and be single.

[Sportster2005]

wiseman, how can I not think that he found something about her more attractive than me? is this not a slippery slope to cheating....

 

No it is not. The 'slippery slope' is a fallacy and doesn't happen when invoked.

 

Forgive him and move on, or leave him. Those are your two stark choices. There is no middle ground. If you can't get past it you will resent him and you're marriage will fail.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm also feeling extremely insecure and wanting him to reassure me everything is ok but ive held that back too

 

I think you should see a therapist. If you two have agreed to put it behind you, it is unfair for you to keep bringing it up. At some point, you will need to learn how to self-soothe.

[Juha]

have read this whole thread. Starlight you sound totally insecure and wanting to control this man. I'm sure he has not seen this type of behavior before and if you keep doing this he will

leave you. No person wants to deal with an insecure and controlling person. He got a lap dance, big deal, he came home to you. The person he wants to be with.

 

This whole lap dance thing to him is nothing as it's just a thing to do and he came home with nothing changed. You are just blowing this whole situation up and making it something that it's not.

It's obvious you have had some bad relationships as you do not trust this guy at all. Why I don't know. Has he done things to lose your trust or is this about other men you have dated or just things you make up in your head and blow out of proportion?

 

Whatever it is is you care about and love this guy you're going to need to relax and trust him and let him to have a life outside of you. Because if you don't and you're always worried where he is or always trying to control what he does and where he goes then this relationship will disintegrate.

 

I wish you luck and just relax

[Batya33]

I think you should see a therapist. If you two have agreed to put it behind you, it is unfair for you to keep bringing it up. At some point, you will need to learn how to self-soothe.

 

I agree with this.

 

Although for me it would likely be a dealbreaker it wouldn't be because I think it's a slippery slope to being sexual outside of a strip club. To me, being sexual outside of the relationship is cheating - irrelevant that it's a lap dance. But, of course, you can forgive cheating and if you are entitled to know from him why it happened and how he can assure you that it will never happen again (and if it does, then what -does he have to sacrifice something he loves/give you something/risk losing you?).

[notalady]

I didn't read all the replies but I will say this, sometimes guys do stupid s**t when they're out with their mates. I've heard of even more rowdy guys night outs (bachelor's party). I see this as a grey area, given the general acceptance of strip clubs (for instances like a guys night out or bachelor/bachelorette parties etc). If you haven't previously discussed where the line is when it comes to strip clubs (ie you're ok with him watching a general stripper show but not a one on one lap dance), then you can't really blame him for thinking it was ok, particularly if you previously seemed ok with him going to a strip club. I don't think it's got anything to do with you or how much he loves you at all.

 

If there's no other issues with the relationship, no prior offences like cheating or flirting with other women, I don't see why you can't just let this go. I mean, if you really can't, there's really only one option which is break up. Keep fighting about it only harms the relationship and solves nothing.

[Batya33]

I don't see where rubbing private parts against someone else on purpose is a grey area - so if he had done that instead at a party where he met a girl he found attractive and fooled around on the dance floor "but I was drunk and was out with the boys" -that would be cheating because she was not a stripper and he got it for free? I cannot imagine having to talk with someone about a distinction about being sexual at a strip club as opposed to anywhere else and to blame it on guys not being smart is offensive to men IMO.

 

I know -there are silly traditions at certain bachelor parties -doesn't mean you throw your commitment out the window. Just like she shouldn't make out with her boss at a holiday party because "everyone does stupid stuff at the holiday party".

 

Having said that I think it's totally fine that she forgave him because what I feel is irrelevant -it's her relationship, her boundaries, her standards and I can see where someone would be ok about their partner choosing to get drunk and have a lap dance or make out with a random woman when out with the boys - for some women that would be a turn on and/or they would want the same privilege. I see that her SO has promised not to do it again and she believes him. That is all that matters.

[Hermes]

Meantime, out here in the real world.....

Lemme see. I go to a strip club, and the male stripper is up close and personal, and I tuck a bill or two down his g-string. Just to add that being married I am not seeking a new and exciting marriage with the stripper, nor he with me. It is a five minute event, at most. Next day husband and I definitely did not head hot foot for the divorce lawyer, LOL.

 

So, would this mean that I have "no standards", am a loose woman, not fit to have a husband, all the things I see being implied in certain posts here.

[Batya33]

Meantime, out here in the real world.....

Lemme see. I go to a strip club, and the male stripper is up close and personal, and I tuck a bill or two down his g-string. Just to add that being married I am not seeking a new and exciting marriage with the stripper, nor he with me. It is a five minute event, at most. Next day husband and I definitely did not head hot foot for the divorce lawyer, LOL.

 

So, would this mean that I have "no standards", am a loose woman, not fit to have a husband, all the things I see being implied in certain posts here.

 

What you wrote took what I wrote to an extreme so hopefully it wasn't meant to respond to what I wrote in any serious way. It sounds like you and your husband are comfortable with how you choose to act at strip clubs. In the real world that is how healthy marriages work. Strip clubs are not any part of my "real world" and if someone wanted my input for whatever reason I would write what I wrote above but wouldn't find my input relevant to another individual or individual couple.

[itsallgrand]

I think since you have decided to let it go as a one off, and you have spoken to him about where your boundaries are going forward (no lap dances), and he has agreed, now it's just a matter of knowing what your own actions if he were to do it again.

 

There's comfort in knowing your own boundaries and how you will respond if they are pushed.

[Pixels]

He recognized you might be hurt and apologized, and was honest about it...

 

If he continues this behaviour despite your discussion about it, that's another story...

 

But trust me... No man will ever marry you for sex (unless you're marrying an idiot)... If it was about sex, there's far easier and cheaper ways to do it, that are PROBABLY a lot more fun...

 

Face it, you're no competition for the plethora of sexual experience that's available to men for a price, and marriage/dating aren't exactly cheaper...

 

Sometimes we just like you as a person and want something more than just sex out of a relationship, so you know... Quality over quantity (or adventure). Trust us when we tell you you're not competing with a stripper...

 

EDIT: Come to think of it? We honestly don't even need to pay for the sexual experiences that are available to us, if that's the avenue we want to play...

[Hermes]

That's the sum of it:

 

"Trust us when we tell you you're not competing with a stripper..."

[notalady]

I don't see where rubbing private parts against someone else on purpose is a grey area - so if he had done that instead at a party where he met a girl he found attractive and fooled around on the dance floor "but I was drunk and was out with the boys" -that would be cheating because she was not a stripper and he got it for free? I cannot imagine having to talk with someone about a distinction about being sexual at a strip club as opposed to anywhere else and to blame it on guys not being smart is offensive to men IMO.

 

I know -there are silly traditions at certain bachelor parties -doesn't mean you throw your commitment out the window. Just like she shouldn't make out with her boss at a holiday party because "everyone does stupid stuff at the holiday party".

 

Having said that I think it's totally fine that she forgave him because what I feel is irrelevant -it's her relationship, her boundaries, her standards and I can see where someone would be ok about their partner choosing to get drunk and have a lap dance or make out with a random woman when out with the boys - for some women that would be a turn on and/or they would want the same privilege. I see that her SO has promised not to do it again and she believes him. That is all that matters.

 

It's a grey area because of its wide acceptance, hence the need for the couple to communicate their boundaries when it comes to strip clubs. Particularly if the OP has expressed that she's ok with him going there, it should then be stated that watching the show is ok but she's not comfortable with one on one contact like a lap dance.

 

I personally wouldn't like it either but I see it differently to going to a party and grind on or make out with a random person. Because to me it is a form of paid entertainment, to her it's a job, to him it's entertainment, and both parties involved are well aware of the nature of the interaction. I can see why many people are ok with it and I can see why many are not. Again, hence the need for how you personally view it to be communicated.

[boltnrun]

My cousin got upset when his wife bought a copy of "Magic Mike". He took the DVD and threw it in the trash.

 

I guess he saw her buying the DVD as a sexual experience outside of the marriage.

 

I personally thought that was extreme and that it showed HIS insecurity and jealousy.

 

BUT, each relationship is different.

 

I would not split up over a lap dance, nor would I think my SO didn't love me if he got one.

 

But again, different boundaries for different relationships. Best to find someone who shares your boundaries.

[notalady]

My cousin got upset when his wife bought a copy of "Magic Mike". He took the DVD and threw it in the trash.

 

I guess he saw her buying the DVD as a sexual experience outside of the marriage.

 

I personally thought that was extreme and that it showed HIS insecurity and jealousy.

 

BUT, each relationship is different.

 

I would not split up over a lap dance, nor would I think my SO didn't love me if he got one.

 

But again, different boundaries for different relationships. Best to find someone who shares your boundaries.

 

Exactly. I've seen one couple where the wife would chat with guys on a night out (it was my friend's bachelorette party and she was one of the attendees, she decided to stay behind to chat to this guy when we were all leaving to go home). I thought that was dodgy but the husband seems cool with it, she tells him the stories afterwards and all.

 

I know people who are strictly against their partner even stepping foot in a strip club, while others are ok with a lap dance but nothing more.

 

I think it's a simple case of miscommunication here.

[Hermes]

Please, please, Bolt.

 

Who or what is "Magic Mike". What does this "Mike" do.

 

I can't believe all the stuff I am learning on here today. this is great!

 

"You can leave your hat on" (Joe Cocker)

[boltnrun]

I guess that film wasn't released in the UK.

 

It's a film about a male stripper (I mean, "exotic dancer") portrayed by Channing Tatum.

 

My cousin's wife got all hot and bothered watching that film.

 

She also loved "Fifty Shades of Grey". I wonder if she was "allowed" to read that book or if she had to sneak. Because it was something other than her spouse getting her aroused

 

I think my cousin needs to chill lol. His wife isn't going to run off with Channing Tatum!

[Hermes]

I see. Oh I am sure it was released here (must check that out heh heh). And we had the film years ago about "the stripper" (was it Demi Moore?). And of course "The Full Monty".

 

As for 50 Shades, I wouldn't demean myself to either see or read it LOL. Same theme, same topic written about more eloquently and by better pens decades ago, maybe even a century ago. Have to take my hat off though to the author and her publisher. She's a very wealthy woman now. They gauged their readership just right it seems ( a lot of women 50 to 60 upwards lol).

 

Badly written I am told, very badly. One person said she could only get through 50 pages it was so boring...so hardly "arousing".

 

Lightbulb. Yes, I HAVE seen Magic Mike, on television.....such fun.

[boltnrun]

I agree, but my cousin's wife was VERY excited by the book and went to see the movie (won't call it a "film") the day it opened, even posting on Facebook and getting a group of women together to go see it. She was very excited. I wonder what her husband thought about that. Maybe he went out and bought some handcuffs or something. OK, I'm approaching gross out territory here.

 

It's not my thing, but neither are male strippers (excuse me, dancers). If some dude in a g-string approached me with his hips gyrating I'm afraid I'd punch him.

[Hermes]

Heh heh Bolt.

 

If she is that easily excited, then maybe cousin is right to keep an eye on her reading and movie habits LMAO.

 

I don't think you'd be approached by a stripper outside of a club, heh heh. But then I know YOU wouldn't be seen dead in one of those places.