fiance got a lapdance?

[Batya33]

It's a grey area because of its wide acceptance, hence the need for the couple to communicate their boundaries when it comes to strip clubs. Particularly if the OP has expressed that she's ok with him going there, it should then be stated that watching the show is ok but she's not comfortable with one on one contact like a lap dance.

 

I personally wouldn't like it either but I see it differently to going to a party and grind on or make out with a random person. Because to me it is a form of paid entertainment, to her it's a job, to him it's entertainment, and both parties involved are well aware of the nature of the interaction. I can see why many people are ok with it and I can see why many are not. Again, hence the need for how you personally view it to be communicated.

 

In my experience the popularity of strip clubs for bachelor/bachelorette parties has decreased over the years and at least among the people I know and know of (both when I was single in my 20s/30s and now when I know both single and married people, most people don't go to strip clubs or see it as something "widely" accepted that couples can do outside the relationship (not go to a strip club, meaning get sexual with someone who works there). I never saw it as an exception to "we don't get sexual with other people" and neither does my husband.

 

I always thought it was a ridiculous practice to get sexual outside the relationship at a bachelor/bachelorette party. I was at one where a stripper was hired for the bride -she was embarrassed and turned off. I think there are far more interesting/fun things to do to celebrate.

[boltnrun]

She's not "that easily excited". It's not like she's drooling over random men all the time.

 

She enjoyed the book and wanted to see the movie. And then she came home to her husband and children. She's a good and faithful wife.

 

My point wasn't to make it seem like she's out of control or something. I think her husband was being unreasonable when he threw out the DVD. Like it was some kind of threat to him.

 

And no, I would never go to one of those places. I am not turned on by shiny-chested men in g-strings who gyrate and flail around to really bad music. And to spend my hard earned money on something like that? No thank you!

[Hermes]

Batya. There is no accounting for tastes, lol.

 

One person's ridiculous is another person's fun or entertainment.

 

I am sure the people you know and your friends are a cut above the rest of us sleazy folks LMAO.

 

Must get my tight red dress on and head for the club for the last show of the night....

 

Bolt.

 

I meant easily roused by a trashy book like 50 shades.... nothing very rousing in it from what I hear.

 

I am sure she is a faithful and good wife. I don't think anyone (or I) implied that the good lady drools over random men all the time.

For the record neither do I.

 

What a god-awful boring world if we were all the same - judgmental and sanctimonious

[Batya33]

Batya. There is no accounting for tastes, lol.

 

One person's ridiculous is another person's fun or entertainment.

 

I am sure the people you know and your friends are a cut above the rest of us sleazy folks LMAO.

 

Must get my tight red dress on and head for the club for the last show of the night....

 

Bolt.

 

I meant easily roused by a trashy book like 50 shades.... nothing very rousing in it from what I hear.

 

I am sure she is a faithful and good wife. I don't think anyone (or I) implied that the good lady drools over random men all the time.

For the record neither do I.

 

What a god-awful boring world if we were all the same - judgmental and sanctimonious

 

Once again you are taking what I wrote to some irrelevant extreme. Since I am not judging anyone who chooses to get sexual at a strip club (and that was clear in my last post but apparently you'd prefer to twist my words to justify a personal attack) please do not judge me for my decision, in my marriage, not to.

 

OP - I am glad you are at peace with your decision to get past this and please do not apologize for feeling as you feel. I would feel exactly the same, if that helps at all.

[reinventmyself]

I went to an `All Male Review' once. I met my husband that night. After the show they let the male patrons in.

I suppose they think it's `easy pickin's' with a bunch of worked up women to choose from.

 

I found it corny, fun, a little laughable. .but absolutely nothing arousing about it.

[Batya33]

I went to an `All Male Review' once. I met my husband that night, after the show they let the male patrons in.

I suppose they think it's `easy pickin's' with a bunch of worked up women to choose from.

 

I found it corny, fun, a little laughable. .but absolutely nothing arousing about it.

 

I've gone to those too and didn't either. I don't judge whether something is cheating or inappropriate to the commitment as to whether the person was turned on by it - in that case, it would be ok I guess if someone in a committed relationship got sexual with random people with the excuse "as it turned out, it really wasn't arousing for me". I'd have no issue with my husband going to a strip club because he thought he had to as part of a bachelor party (he's not interested in going and likely would make an excuse) but I would have an issue if he had a sexual interaction with a woman who worked there because we've agreed not to be sexual outside of the marriage (as most people have, other than people in open marriages I suppose)-wouldn't make a difference if he told me that he didn't get aroused. Totally fine if the couple defines sexual as both the act as well as it has to result in some sort of sexual arousal.

[reinventmyself]

I've gone to those too and didn't either. I don't judge whether something is cheating or inappropriate to the commitment as to whether the person was turned on by it - in that case, it would be ok I guess if someone in a committed relationship got sexual with random people with the excuse "as it turned out, it really wasn't arousing for me". I'd have no issue with my husband going to a strip club because he thought he had to as part of a bachelor party (he's not interested in going and likely would make an excuse) but I would have an issue if he had a sexual interaction with a woman who worked there because we've agreed not to be sexual outside of the marriage (as most people have, other than people in open marriages I suppose)-wouldn't make a difference if he told me that he didn't get aroused. Totally fine if the couple defines sexual as both the act as well as it has to result in some sort of sexual arousal.

Agreed. I think my time as well as my (ex) husband's was long before lap dances were available.

I'd have a problem with that today.

[Batya33]

Agreed. I think my time as well as my (ex) husband's was long before lap dances were available.

I'd have a problem with that today.

 

In my 20s it was very typical for bachelor/bachelorette parties to include a stripper and I remember a cousin of mine opted, for his bachelor party, to do a limo with a few friends to a baseball game and then on to a great steakhouse -I found that so unusual (but not in a bad way). Later, it was less of the trend (and I mean in general, not because we were getting older).

[Wolfshook]

I never understood strip clubs.

Nor the excitment about it, i was taken to a strip by my friend and didnt really enjoy it in any way special. Just not my kind of thrill. And at my culture strip clubs are not even that popular.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm another one for not being into strip clubs or finding them acceptable BUT for me it's the human exploitation and all that goes on behind the scenes, not the sex or whether or not I think it leads to cheating. Because I worked in a place in L.A. that provided shelter and counseling for people in desperate situations, many of them sex workers and I got to hear and know a whole lot more about that world than I wanted to. Ever. As in I'd probably be a happier person for not knowing some of the things I know.

 

All that aside, it's really up to OP whether this is a dealbreaker for her.

 

My only real bewilderment on this thread is how many people are like, "Oh, it's no big deal. Everyone does it." Problem is we condone a blip of a lot as a society that shouldn't be and "everyone does it" is pretty much code for "I don't find fault with it, so neither should you."

 

But it's actually OPs own reality and her fiancee should be aware enough of her feelings to have known this would cause issues. And to that end OP maybe it's time you and he get some joint couples counseling and use this incident to explore your boundaries as a couple and how, when and where to draw lines.

 

But trust me, you do not want to be in any woman's place or man's either who works in the sex industry. Your fiancee may have enjoyed staring at her, as an object, but please keep in mind he had to pay her to make her have any interaction with him when in all truth she quite likely was thinking the entire time, "My feet hurt, oh lord please don't let that guy who's been stalking me come in tonight, the baby has a cough and I need money to get him to the doctor..." and a myriad of other things going through her mind. She likely couldn't pick your fiancee out of a lineup of men even if his nose and mouth were reversed from where they should be on his face. That's how little he meant to her.

 

And that's kind of what you need to focus on. These people aren't out there doing what they do, because they want to chase down men and women--they literally are only interacting based on the dollar bills and usually because they don't have other options or don't feel they have other options to get the money some other way. Even the ones who enjoyed it initially, used to tell me it got really old really fast. It's not actually half so fun as the movies and music videos want you to believe it is.

 

So yeah, I don't go to strip clubs, because I don't see bodies and sexy fun. I see people who may have and usually are hiding some pretty dark things and it just saddens me. And all I can think about is whether any of them are there of their own free will or not. It kind of kills it for me.

 

But I think this is an excellent opportunity for you to see if this incident can strengthen what you have or not. And to look at what you can do to handle your issues with your body, because those won't go away even if you had a man who covered his eyes every time a pretty woman walked past.

 

My two cents on it.

[boltnrun]

I don't think "everyone does it", so that's why it's not a big deal.

 

I think it's not a big deal because I don't feel threatened by strippers. If my guy loves me, he won't run off with a stripper. He could have Gisele plop herself into his lap nude and he'll say "no, thanks". And if he doesn't love me, he'll most likely eventually choose someone else at some point, stripper or not.

 

A stripper cannot "make" a man leave his woman for her. If he leaves it's because he chooses to, not because some paid performer danced nude for him.

[Batya33]

I don't think "everyone does it", so that's why it's not a big deal.

 

I think it's not a big deal because I don't feel threatened by strippers. If my guy loves me, he won't run off with a stripper. He could have Gisele plop herself into his lap nude and he'll say "no, thanks". And if he doesn't love me, he'll most likely eventually choose someone else at some point, stripper or not.

 

A stripper cannot "make" a man leave his woman for her. If he leaves it's because he chooses to, not because some paid performer danced nude for him.

 

I would be uncomfortable not because he would continue to see the stripper or want to date the stripper but because we've committed to only have sexual contact with each other. Other couples are ok with having an open relationship or being ok with looking the other way "because she was drunk" for example. For me the justification "if he leaves it's because he chooses to" doesn't work because while, of course, that is true, I also don't believe in playing with fire or acting inconsistently with a commitment (or cheating). On that rationale it should be ok for a married man to go to a romantic restaurant on a weekend night with a single woman who is attracted to him and who wants him to leave his wife, for example even though he would never want to date her in particular. And yet most of us, trusting our mates, would nevertheless not be ok with that situation.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm coming to this discussion late in the day, but I regularly lead life-drawing sessions at hen parties; I guess it's just a variation on the male stripper theme. I will work with a male model who's been chosen for his particularly fit body, and most of the guys are around half my age.

 

I'm there as an entertainer as well as an artist, and cheerfully join in the rather naughty banter.

 

You know what? I've never found any of the models as attractive as my partner, who's in his late fifties and would never have been vain enough to do the amount of working out that they do; certainly not a pinup. Moreover, I'd be absolutely gobsmacked and horrified if he ever thought of it as cheating, a prelude to cheating or anything anything else untoward. A loving relationship and naughty entertainment just inhabit different universes.

 

It sounds as though the lap dancer, ironically, is far more important to you than it is to him. Just let her go.

[Silverbirch]

I'm coming to this discussion late in the day, but I regularly lead life-drawing sessions at hen parties; I guess it's just a variation on the male stripper theme. I will work with a male model who's been chosen for his particularly fit body, and most of the guys are around half my age.

 

I'm there as an entertainer as well as an artist, and cheerfully join in the rather naughty banter.

 

You know what? I've never found any of the models as attractive as my partner, who's in his late fifties and would never have been vain enough to do the amount of working out that they do; certainly not a pinup. Moreover, I'd be absolutely gobsmacked and horrified if he ever thought of it as cheating, a prelude to cheating or anything anything else untoward. A loving relationship and naughty entertainment just inhabit different universes.

 

It sounds as though the lap dancer, ironically, is far more important to you than it is to him. Just let her go.

 

LOL, you just reminded me about my ex who got into body-building. He became so boring. He spent so much time at the gym, obsessive with his food and protein shakes. Having those types of bodies takes a lot of work - sometimes at the expense of ones personality. He wasn't into body-building when I was first with him and it really detracted from the package.

[gigiselle]

He even told you about it..he didn't have to! I would let this one go....don't be so sure he found her irresistible LOL..

[gigiselle]

LOL, you just reminded me about my ex who got into body-building. He became so boring. He spent so much time at the gym, obsessive with his food and protein shakes. Having those types of bodies takes a lot of work - sometimes at the expense of ones personality. He wasn't into body-building when I was first with him and it really detracted from the package.

 

This made me LOL...😂

[Silverbirch]

This made me LOL...😂

 

Oh Gigi, was so true and it got ridiculous. He went off to tanning studios as well.

[gigiselle]

Oh Gigi, was so true and it got ridiculous. He went off to tanning studios as well.

I have also met people like this...very insecure ones. At the end of the day we still need a personality. Often these people are so insecure they want to bridge the gap with physicallity...who does that this work for? Many have made a career out of it though...men and women. I dated a beautiful man who couldn't avoid or help looking at his reflection in a mirror... I actually really liked him but--that was a horrible turn-off...we dated three months, I never slept with him.

[Silverbirch]

X

I have also met people like this...very insecure ones. At the end of the day we still need a personality. Often these people are so insecure they want to bridge the gap with physicallity...who does that this work for? Many have made a career out of it though...men and women. I dated a beautiful man who couldn't avoid or help looking at his reflection in a mirror... I actually really liked him but--that was a horrible turn-off...we dated three months, I never slept with him.

 

Yes Gigi. I agree it is a turn-off. I remember more and more - he had body hair removed. It got to the point of silliness. Somebody who is average looking with a great personality is much more attractive to me.

[Batya33]

I'm coming to this discussion late in the day, but I regularly lead life-drawing sessions at hen parties; I guess it's just a variation on the male stripper theme. I will work with a male model who's been chosen for his particularly fit body, and most of the guys are around half my age.

 

I'm there as an entertainer as well as an artist, and cheerfully join in the rather naughty banter.

 

You know what? I've never found any of the models as attractive as my partner, who's in his late fifties and would never have been vain enough to do the amount of working out that they do; certainly not a pinup. Moreover, I'd be absolutely gobsmacked and horrified if he ever thought of it as cheating, a prelude to cheating or anything anything else untoward. A loving relationship and naughty entertainment just inhabit different universes.

 

It sounds as though the lap dancer, ironically, is far more important to you than it is to him. Just let her go.

 

For me my boundary is sexual contact - looking is different (obviously some couples might decide that is inappropriate too -they are entitled of course!). What you describe is looking/drawing and sure some women might get aroused (maybe the man does too!) but I see sexual contact as different -that for me fits in with the definition of adultery and, outside of marriage, seems fairly typical of something most couples promise not to do and consider cheating if it is done (outside of open marriages/other arrangements).

[nutbrownhare]

It's a very personal thing, isn't it? I think there are two issues here, firstly the lap dance itself and secondly, and arguably more seriously, the OP's sense of herself, her own attractiveness and whether her fiance loves her.

[Batya33]

It's a very personal thing, isn't it? I think there are two issues here, firstly the lap dance itself and secondly, and arguably more seriously, the OP's sense of herself, her own attractiveness and whether her fiance loves her.

 

Yes I agree it's personal to the couple. Since she is not ok with him having sexual contact outside the relationship I think that makes the second issue largely irrelevant -I don't think the person who cheats/behaves inappropriately gets to say "well you shouldn't feel this way about it because you know I find you attractive". It is relevant at the point she chooses to forgive him. Then, if her ability to forgive is impeded by a lack of self-esteem, that becomes her issue (since at that point she has chosen not to burden him any longer with the situation -certainly she remains the victim and is entitled to know why it happened and how he plans to prevent it from recurring -but it's not fair to require him to continually reassure her if it's a self-esteem issue).

[midnightdeirdre]

OP....it honestly doesn't sound like you'll ever be able to let this lapdance incident go.

 

I think you should seriously consider breaking off your engagement.

[midnightdeirdre]

Can you update us? Is the engagement still on?

[Unreasonable]

When I was a young married man, I went to a strip club a few times and got lapdances. Being thick headed that I am, I didn't catch the pattern of feeling terrible (and used) until the third time. I never did it again after that. Why would I pay money to feel that way? If this is a one off occurance, I'd tell him how you feel, tell him you don't want this to happen again, and I'd let it go. If it does happen again, well, you know what to do.