fiance got a lapdance?

[IAmFCA]

however stupid it sounds its made me feel that I must not be enough, I feel betrayed

 

Maybe this analogy will help. His behavior has nothing to do with you, except in the sense that part of the fun was the forbidden aspect, and if you didn't exist, that forbidden aspect wouldn't exist either.

 

There is a fresh apple pie in the kitchen. The ice cream store is giving away free cones on the way home. He gets an ice cream cone. It has nothing to do with how much he wants the pie. It was just - free ice cream. A little bad, not lasting, nothing he'd want everyday because it would turn him into someone he doesn't want to be.

[Clinton]

Dump him and his lusty thoughts. He's obviously a sex crazed fiend who can't get enough of the T and A.

 

Find someone of a more puritanical nature who shares your values.

[Doc Blaze]

Hermes, because if he loves me like he says then why even think about another woman as far as paying good money to have her dance with him surely if he was happy with me he wouldn't want to do that??

 

 

as hard is it is..you cant compare you and a stripper. If he was going often, then yes but one time thing no.

[Hermes]

Geeze, Starlight. It has NOTHING to do with YOU.

 

Look at the number of women who go to male stripper clubs and hand over very good money during the course of the night.....

It's just a moment.

 

He wasn't thinking about the lap-dancer, he never saw or met her before (or since) .

 

You surprise me, Starlight. I see you are in the U.K.

[starlight40]

I am not the most secure person and he knows this, at the moment I am working on myself as much as I can, I have psoriasis which is a skin complaint an I struggle with my weight, I am a slightly overweight normal girl with a pretty face certainly not someone that could dance in a strip club

[starlight40]

yes Hermes the good old UK

[boltnrun]

So this is totally about your insecurities about your appearance.

 

If those things bother you, do something about them!

 

They obviously don't bother him since he plans to marry you.

 

If you can't get a handle on your insecurities you will drive him away. Then you'll be making what you fear will happen, happen.

 

Do you honestly believe he no longer loves you?

[reinventmyself]

I am not the most secure person and he knows this, at the moment I am working on myself as much as I can, I have psoriasis which is a skin complaint an I struggle with my weight, I am a slightly overweight normal girl with a pretty face certainly not someone that could dance in a strip club

 

have you been to a strip club??

[Hermes]

Now we're getting somewhere, Starlight. I was wondering.....

 

"I am not the most secure person and he knows this, at the moment I am working on myself as much as I can, I have psoriasis which is a skin complaint an I struggle with my weight, I am a slightly overweight normal girl with a pretty face certainly not someone that could dance in a strip club"

 

One way or another, you probably would not have chosen stripping for a career, so try not to compare.

 

It's like looking at Olympic gymnasts, those at the top of their game. No way are any of us going to be able to do what they do or look as they do. Same thing.

[starlight40]

I don't know what to think, yes I am insecure and I am doing my best to do something about them however one is an incurable skin condition that looks horrendous that ive battled for over 15 years

[starlight40]

no ive never been to a strip club

[reinventmyself]

I don't know what to think, yes I am insecure and I am doing my best to do something about them however one is an incurable skin condition that looks horrendous that ive battled for over 15 years

 

I am sorry, I can't imagine. . but it hasn't prevented this man of yours from falling in love with you and wanting to get married.

[Hermes]

Starlight, I know what the skin condition is, and how difficult it is to combat.

 

But your BF sees past the surface and sees YOU, the woman he loves. Otherwise he'd be gone to Brazil next day with Ms. Lapdancer! All she probably wanted to do was get the working night over and home to her bed.....

[starlight40]

sorry guys its just made me feel horrible because I didn't think he would ever want to do that

[starlight40]

where do I go from here? we haven't spoken now since the fight

[Hermes]

WE understand Starlight. However, it's a bit like if on that night out he wandered into casino, and put all you two own on the roulette wheel.

Unexpected, yes, and probably alcohol-fuelled.

 

People sometimes do the maddest things.

 

Starlight. You've been together three years and now engaged. That counts for something.

 

Try to communicate and have an ordinary conversation about it. Then forget the whole business.

[reinventmyself]

Well... You have 2 choices.

You decide right here and now that this is a deal breaker for you and end it.

 

Or you accept his apology and set a boundary to let him know how you feel about it and what you are willing to do about it.

If you choose to forgive him, you do. If you have no other reason to not trust him, then you give your trust and move on.

You can't sit on the fence or hold it over his head.

[starlight40]

I want to forgive him but I'm still hurting I don't know how I just let it go

[reinventmyself]

Funny. . I was married for 16 years and my ex went to a particular (low level) strip club a few times while we were married.

It was typically for a bachelor party or some friends birthday but as much as I would rather them go else where. . I didn't fret.

I trusted he wouldn't do anything inappropriate and he was respectful and responsible about telling me before hand.

 

I think the only thing I have trouble with in your situation is you had to find it out from someone else when it should have come from him.

Where did he tell you he was that night?

[reinventmyself]

I want to forgive him but I'm still hurting I don't know how I just let it go

 

then process it some more.

[Hermes]

Listen Starlight. You've heard about "let whoever is without fault throw the first stone."

 

None of us know when for one reason or another we might stumble. No one is perfect, that's for sure, and the sooner we get that into our heads the better.

 

So, try to communicate about this "stumble" and leave it at that.

[Hermes]

Reinvent. He told her himself....see OP.

 

He wasn't hiding anything.

[IAmFCA]

Star,

 

Accept your skin as it is. It wants love too, and this is how it seems to have been made. No more fighting with your skin. Love it. Give it lotions and oatmeal baths and salves that it likes. If it itches say to it, "I am so sorry for your pain, sweet skin. I'll not scratch you and hurt you further. Rather, I shall love you and wish you comfort." Sometimes, when your sk8n seems angry, say to it, "Thank you, skin. You protect me and you help cool me in summer and warm me in winter. You stretch, you let me shave you and paint you, and sometimes you let me burn you a bit in the sun. You bleed for me, because you know if you do it, you can make it stop whereas other parts of me let themselves bleed and would bleed me to death. Not you, sweet skin. You protect me, even when I am the one who lets you get scrapes. You protect me. So, though I know you're angry right now, think too that I appreciate you and that you are loved."

 

Practice this.

[Snny]

where do I go from here? we haven't spoken now since the fight

Go get a margarita and calm the heck down. And when you have chilled the heck out, then you call him. Do not badger him. Apologize for overreacting and that you plan to move on from this.

[starlight40]

thanks everyone