Lost in pain.. the whole relationship a lie..

[Cynder]

What if he treats the next one right? ... Why did i stop being special to him?

 

He DID have this happen to him before so he already knows how much it hurts! I wonder if even that was true.. I think so. He seemed genuinely angry over it.

 

 

 

I had a sex dream about him. I really nearly wanted to contact him and go see him again .. I am angry at myself. I am angry at him. This sucks.

 

 

I have wondered the same about my ex... he threw garbage all over my apartment, wouldn't go down on me, refused to say I love you most of the time when I said it, when I texted him sometimes I wouldn't get a response until the next day, and didn't work for most of the time we were together, and lived with his parents. Since we broke up he has gotten a job and is now looking for his own place. So I have thought things like this... what if the next one gets the new and improved version of him, like I wasn't worthy of a better him. But, reality is, people don't change over night, or at all. He has to want to change.

 

And from the way you described you ex, he isn't the kind of person who wants to change, because he doesn't see he has a problem. People like this feel entitled and feel like they can do whatever they want.

 

And like you said, you don't know if he really had this happen before. He could have made that up to get your sympathy.

 

I relate to the anger you are feeling... mad at yourself... mad it him... it does suck. But... anger is a step in the healing process too. For the first few weeks I was so madly in love with my ex. I didn't care about any of his flaws. I was willing to put up with anything just to make the pain stop... then one day I got angry... and I started seeing things from a new perspective. I started realizing he isn't perfect, and I deserve better than that.

 

I still am dealing with the anger... both at myself and at him. People say just let it go... but that's easier said than done.

[IAmFCA]

I was with my ex through his worst, and as he began to turn the corner he picked his next gf off tinder and moved on. I was angry that I suffered and she benefitted.

 

I was wrong to be angry.

 

Now that I know them better, the glossy exterior hides co dependency, him cheating, her acting out...

 

I wouldn't want to be either one of them.

 

Let's none of us be fooled by the glossy exterior.

[aryastark]

These kind of guys usually takes a lot of time for them to grow up. My dad for example, did cheat on my mom numerous times until he turned 60, my mom forgave and forgave, but they were seperated eversince his last one. My mom thought he would change, but he didn't. Ever. Now my dad is all alone and living with his siblings. My mom doesnt want to welcome him at home anymore.

[tina-rocks]

What if he treats the next one right? ... Why did i stop being special to him?

 

He DID have this happen to him before so he already knows how much it hurts! I wonder if even that was true.. I think so. He seemed genuinely angry over it.

 

 

 

I had a sex dream about him. I really nearly wanted to contact him and go see him again .. I am angry at myself. I am angry at him. This sucks.

 

She might think he is as he will have all moves down to a fine art, but in the end it will turn out the same.

 

The term. Actions speak louder than words. It's my moto. I could say I really miss you, but then not contact you for days. That contradicts team words I really miss you. I tell you I love you when u announce you are sick, but then I don't even bother to check up on you, that you are OK. What I do is make excuses, I was cooking my dinner, I left my phone in the car, I didn't hear it ring. Oh I was sick. All of these could be true statements, accept they happen concurrently. I do hope this makes a little sense, sorry if it doesn't.

 

He may very well have been in your situation, which perhaps did make him suffer, but then that would be all the more reason not to do the very same thing to someone else..

 

I honestly wish I could say I think he is going to run back into your arms and you can live happily ever after, but from his behaviour I can't see it happening, for your sake I wish he would realise what he had and want you, but we can't choose who we love, any more than we can make someone love us.

[Jibralta]

I don't understand the connection you are drawing between the poem and the situation. It is a nice poem though.?

 

It was a longshot. Sorry it was obscure. In a nutshell, it's just one illustration of the odd paradox that draws us into relationships with these kind of people.

 

Moving on... Parasites are most successful when they don't kill their hosts. It suits him just fine to leave you in a state of self-doubt, off-kilter and asking questions. As long as the door is somewhat open, he can keep coming back. It sounds like he's done so in previous relationships.* He's an opportunist. He will not be the one to put a definitive end to this relationship. You must be.

 

 

 

___________________

* e.g., the indefinite break-up date with the last girlfriend. You may now be in her shoes.

[NightLily]

Well, it gets worse. He sent me a message saying he doesn't care, never did, and was only pretending to be the loving boyfriend.....

[boltnrun]

Good!

 

Now you know you can completely cut off all contact (block him already!) and move on with your life knowing this selfish clod isn't going to be a part of it anymore.

 

Yay for you! You're free to meet a decent man! (In good time, of course).

[IAmFCA]

His words are meaningless, both these new hurtful ones and whatever had come before. Therefore, you need not waste your ears with them.

 

Close the door. Close it! It's his mess, not yours. Leave his hateful mess to himself. You focus your eyes on your path forward.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, it gets worse. He sent me a message saying he doesn't care, never did, and was only pretending to be the loving boyfriend.....

 

You didn't need him to tell you that. His actions proved it. Please block this guy.

[tina-rocks]

Well, it gets worse. He sent me a message saying he doesn't care, never did, and was only pretending to be the loving boyfriend.....

 

I am sooo! Sorry NightLily, that you had to hear those awful words from him. Wish I could say something, that would make you feel better.

 

Your a wonderful person, so don't let the empty words ring in your ears, as you deserve someone who will love and respect you and not someone, who only thinks about their needs and has no regard or feeling for others.

 

Christina x

[NightLily]

I just feel silent about the whole thing... sort of numb. Yes, his words have no meaning and there is no way to know what is truth and what is a lie. I don't understand why he would throw at me so much vitriol when I didn't do anything to him though.

[Cope]

Don't beat yourself over it. He is a horrible human being, you were at the wrong place in the wrong time. People lie this have no reason, they just act like this. It doesn't matter how you treat them. He wanted something from you for that amount of time, he took it. You are now free from him!! You do not have to listen to anymore of his lies!! You have great work to do now, work that has the best reward in the end, YOU!! I highly recommend going to therapy, when i was in your position i didn't go. After all these years, i finally went, i wish i had gone way back then, i would have had healthier relationships now, or at least leave before they got rotten too.

 

You're gonna feel all sorts of stuff, just try to remember not to be hard on yourself!!

Take care and keep us posted!!

[Ms Darcy]

I just feel silent about the whole thing... sort of numb. Yes, his words have no meaning and there is no way to know what is truth and what is a lie. I don't understand why he would throw at me so much vitriol when I didn't do anything to him though.

 

I think you need to focus on shutting him out of your life from now on and blocking him.

[tina-rocks]

I just feel silent about the whole thing... sort of numb. Yes, his words have no meaning and there is no way to know what is truth and what is a lie. I don't understand why he would throw at me so much vitriol when I didn't do anything to him though.

 

I would say, deep down he knows he has badly hurt you and although he doesn't have remorse, at the same time, he must feel guilt and he is taking that feeling out on you, in an attempt to cover it up and make himself feel better.

 

Shameful and not at all fair on you, hang in there and ride the waves, they will abeit in time hon. Stay strong and you will get through this.

 

Christina x

[Jibralta]

Well, it gets worse. He sent me a message saying he doesn't care, never did, and was only pretending to be the loving boyfriend.....

 

It may seem terrible now, but in the grand scheme of things this is probably the best thing that could have happened.

[NightLily]

It may seem terrible now, but in the grand scheme of things this is probably the best thing that could have happened.

 

Why? .. I would have liked to look back on the experience with happy memories.. not total devastation.

[Wiseman2]

That is entirely in your control.

I would have liked to look back on the experience with happy memories.. not total devastation.

[boltnrun]

You will be able to enjoy the happy memories...just not right now.

 

My ex was having a secret relationship with a family member's fiancee. They finally decided they wanted to be together, so he dumped me via email and she dumped the family member. He'd done lots of other hurtful things before that (cheated constantly, told me he was looking for someone like him and he wouldn't give up until he found her, even moved another woman into his house while I was in the hospital recovering from a life-threatening illness [and yes, I took him back after that...])...and yet, today I can laugh at some of the crazy fun stuff we did together. It wasn't all bad, and there were some fun times (such as dancing nude in the rain in his front yard and traveling together). I can even hear "our" song without feeling bad. I enjoy hearing that song, I crank it up and sing along. He doesn't own that song and it's a great song! We were together for 4 years and had lived together, so it's not like it was a short relationship. But even still, I am fine now. I don't hate him. I think he's a loser and I think he's ridiculous and I never want to be with him again in any capacity...but he cannot hurt me, not anymore.

 

So, you won't feel better immediately. But you will eventually. In time he won't matter to you at all.

[youareworthy]

It may seem terrible now, but in the grand scheme of things this is probably the best thing that could have happened.

 

Why? .. I would have liked to look back on the experience with happy memories.. not total devastation.

 

I think it is fabulous when jerks simply prove their jerky natures with messages like this. Yes, it hurts like hell to get such a message. It rips you in two. But it also is just such great evidence that the so-and-so is not worth one more second of your time, and that he is the one who is the idiot, not you.

 

It is very good for your self-esteem, ultimately, when he reveals what an arse he really is, because now you know for sure that all this crap really had nothing to do with you, or the woman he is with, or the women he was with before. He is the broken, messed up common denominator in all these horrible, fake relationships. And of course, you know that he is lying through his teeth to the other women in his life as well. All this horrid behavior is all about him and his massive brokenness, selfishness, etc.

 

As Boltnrun says, "Yay! Now you are free!"

 

After a while of feeling awful and devastated, you will see the truth of this and really feel glad that you are free.

 

Youareworthy

[NightLily]

I think it is fabulous when jerks simply prove their jerky natures with messages like this. Yes, it hurts like hell to get such a message. It rips you in two. But it also is just such great evidence that the so-and-so is not worth one more second of your time, and that he is the one who is the idiot, not you.

 

It is very good for your self-esteem, ultimately, when he reveals what an arse he really is, because now you know for sure that all this crap really had nothing to do with you, or the woman he is with, or the women he was with before. He is the broken, messed up common denominator in all these horrible, fake relationships. And of course, you know that he is lying through his teeth to the other women in his life as well. All this horrid behavior is all about him and his massive brokenness, selfishness, etc.

 

As Boltnrun says, "Yay! Now you are free!"

 

After a while of feeling awful and devastated, you will see the truth of this and really feel glad that you are free.

 

Youareworthy

 

I mean.. I know that it has everything to do with him.. I always handled things very respectfully with him and I think to some extent I almost had to be too rational. Never having the freedom to "let go" and really express your emotions because the other person will just hang up on your or ignore you is not a good sign. I was always "keeping it together" and had to be too often the mature one in the relationship.

 

That being said, it doesn't really make me feel any better right now. Maybe one day it will but I just wanted things to work out. I don't really care that much who is to blame. Part of me thinks he will never change.

 

He said he wants to be monogamous he just needs the right one. Part of me thinks I am just not hot enough/not good enough. He said I am so beautiful and sweet but it isn't enough. I am not sure what would ever be enough for somebody. I don't even get the line of thinking.

 

Part of me thinks he is just shifting blame to me. *I* am not right. That is why he did what he did. But, he has done it to everybody.

 

I know I deserve better.. I am very mindful of how I treat others. I really try to be a good person and I have a huge emotional empathy. I am extremely genuine. I never would have been able to do what he did. oh well...

[Hermes]

Lily. You were conned, plain and simple, by a master of smoke and mirrors. There were no "good times" if you think hard about it. Anything seemingly "good" was merely a ploy or a hook to pull you in. It's how these individuals operate.

You, and everyone else, is just an object, like a fridge or a telegraph post. These are shattered people who cannot let anyone get close to them. Intimacy is anathema to them.

 

Very hard to understand, but that is how they are.

 

It is hard, because the smoke and mirrors seemed so real.

[Ms Darcy]

He said he wants to be monogamous he just needs the right one. Part of me thinks I am just not hot enough/not good enough. He said I am so beautiful and sweet but it isn't enough. I am not sure what would ever be enough for somebody.

 

Do you feel like you have self-esteem issues? I'm just wondering if you have struggled to feel like you would enough for multiple men/exes.

[Jibralta]

He said he wants to be monogamous he just needs the right one. Part of me thinks I am just not hot enough/not good enough. He said I am so beautiful and sweet but it isn't enough.

 

A word of advice:

Don't go chasing bad relationships in search of validation. It comes free with good relationships, in addition to a host of other good things.

[NightLily]

A word of advice:

Don't go chasing bad relationships in search of validation. It comes free with good relationships, in addition to a host of other good things.

 

It is true.. thanks..

 

Ms. Darcy:

 

I think I get triggered sometimes to win approval when somebody starts treating me badly. I had a bad relationship with my parents. Dad was gone for a few years when I was a kid and said to me I would never live up to his standards etc. Was in a violent relationship about 6 years ago where I felt the need to win his approval. I was doing really well.. sincerely. This whole situation has just really brought me back down..

[Ms Darcy]

It is true.. thanks..

 

Ms. Darcy:

 

I think I get triggered sometimes to win approval when somebody starts treating me badly. I had a bad relationship with my parents. Dad was gone for a few years when I was a kid and said to me I would never live up to his standards etc. Was in a violent relationship about 6 years ago where I felt the need to win his approval. I was doing really well.. sincerely. This whole situation has just really brought me back down..

 

I see. Growth comes in waves. There will times and circumstances that challenge you and make you want to go back down, but you just have to keep picking yourself up over and over.