Lost in pain.. the whole relationship a lie..

[youareworthy]

I see. Growth comes in waves. There will times and circumstances that challenge you and make you want to go back down, but you just have to keep picking yourself up over and over.

 

Dearest Ms. Darcy,

 

Thank you for this post. I needed to read it today.

 

Youareworthy

[tiredofvampires]

It is true.. thanks..

 

Ms. Darcy:

 

I think I get triggered sometimes to win approval when somebody starts treating me badly. I had a bad relationship with my parents. Dad was gone for a few years when I was a kid and said to me I would never live up to his standards etc. Was in a violent relationship about 6 years ago where I felt the need to win his approval. I was doing really well.. sincerely. This whole situation has just really brought me back down..

 

This is something kind of dicey to say, but I have applied it to my own life.

 

There is a theory, and I believe it contains a large grain of truth, if not a boulder of truth, that we are unconsciously seeking the people who trigger us because we have a need to correct the past. We want to resolve what happened, to get that love and approval we didn't get -- so we somehow sniff out the people who might challenge us in these very ways again and again. Each time, there is an (irrational) belief that this person might heal that wound by being "different from all the rest" -- but really, we are reliving/inviting the drama of the original situation hoping to change the ending of the story. It's just that it ends up with the same ending, different face.

 

The reason this doesn't work is because we can't heal the past through another person. Or at least, we shouldn't be seeking to. Going into a new relationship shouldn't be a test, to see if this one will deliver where the others didn't (as natural as that sounds). You've spoken of your heart having a piece missing...your heart is not missing a piece, he did not take any of it away. It's just hurting. It's still your heart, you own it, and men are not successively taking bites out of it. I'm only saying this because if you view it that way, the next man is, in your mind, someone who might put the broken pieces back or rebuild your heart, and that is a precarious position for you -- and essentially, a call to him to make things right again. So it makes you vulnerable to testing the men who are most risky for you, in this way. This is all unconscious.

 

Especially if there is a pattern of this in your life with relationships, you know there's something to that. When something keeps happening over and over with those you put your trust and faith in, and they keep turning out to treat you badly and betray you, you have to look at that and ask, is this just the luck of the draw, or is it my internal compass somewhere leading me astray.

 

I don't think it's just the luck of the draw. This isn't to excuse his awful behavior, and he sounds pathologically narcissistic. But this is not the first time, is it? So what is it about narcissists that draws you? Narcissists are all about building you up to feel "special" -- so that's approval you're winning that feels like healing, but really it's a set-up to later have that flipped upside down so that you go running back to regain that feeling and "make them go back to loving you." It's like this elusive chase. Narcissists can smell people who need this; and those who need narcissists to play out this role, in order to try to heal the past, are vulnerable to their charms. Narcissists are your kyptonite the way alchohol is to an alcoholic. So you have to get really good at spotting them or avoiding people who might be strongly likely to have their attributes.

 

I know this is going to sound really categorical and jaded, but others have mentioned it and I agree: the traveling/career musician thing, Lily -- don't ever do it again. I am tempted to say, just stop dating musicians, period. But that's a little totalizing. I do have to say though, having been weak for them, most of them are some form of narcissist. It also somewhat depends on what position they have in the band; and again, I'm generalizing, but it's still true enough for you to decide that there are certain types of people you will not date because the personality profile is too risky for you. A sexy, in-demand rock-'n'-roll musician is a disaster waiting to happen for you, and whatever he says to anyone, his world is so peopled with ego boosts, you need his more than he needs yours.

 

In fact, I would have to ask, especially given what I've said above, if anything about this rings a bell: you said a few posts back "when did I stop being special to him?" If you dig in there, do you think part of the appeal of him to you was that out of all the women he could have, he chose you? You were "special" to him out of all the rest, so that was the "approval" and validation intoxicant for you?

 

I don't doubt you loved him...but I'm saying, there may be some powerful and repeating psychic forces for you at play for you to deeply examine, so that you aim differently in the next relationship. And as hard as it is to do this, to not go into relationships saying, "I need you to prove to me that I can trust you." I think for you, starting with a strong infatuation is not the way to go...starting out with an unassuming friendship that grows into a love relationship, so you can tell character all along the way in everyday little ways, instead of relying ON SOMEONE'S WORDS.

 

Words are cheap (including telling you that they also had their heart broken/betrayed), so don't expect WORDS to cure you of mistrust and the past. Get to know the person and their moral compass through many interactions and watching their actions.

 

I think you would do well to get some therapy.

 

You will get through this...remember all the times you've felt this gutted before...this too shall pass. Don't let this define your heart, which you own.

[NightLily]

ToV: I wanted to respond with a well thought out answer but it is just taking me a long time to digest everything.

 

 

This is something kind of dicey to say, but I have applied it to my own life.

 

There is a theory, and I believe it contains a large grain of truth, if not a boulder of truth, that we are unconsciously seeking the people who trigger us because we have a need to correct the past. We want to resolve what happened, to get that love and approval we didn't get -- so we somehow sniff out the people who might challenge us in these very ways again and again. Each time, there is an (irrational) belief that this person might heal that wound by being "different from all the rest" -- but really, we are reliving/inviting the drama of the original situation hoping to change the ending of the story. It's just that it ends up with the same ending, different face.

 

I don't know. I did think he was different from all the rest but I guess it is because when we first met, we had such a strong connection. I am pretty sure he must have felt it too because he found me on social media two weeks later and was trying to reach out to me. When we met again we were just so comfortable with each other and for some reason I felt like he was a kindred spirit of sorts. I guess the problem is I feel very different from other people. We both were I think pretty into each other... -_-'

 

The reason this doesn't work is because we can't heal the past through another person. Or at least, we shouldn't be seeking to. Going into a new relationship shouldn't be a test, to see if this one will deliver where the others didn't (as natural as that sounds). You've spoken of your heart having a piece missing...your heart is not missing a piece, he did not take any of it away. It's just hurting. It's still your heart, you own it, and men are not successively taking bites out of it. I'm only saying this because if you view it that way, the next man is, in your mind, someone who might put the broken pieces back or rebuild your heart, and that is a precarious position for you -- and essentially, a call to him to make things right again. So it makes you vulnerable to testing the men who are most risky for you, in this way. This is all unconscious.

 

Yes, I guess this is true somewhat... "will you be the one to not break my heart?" "will you be the one I can trust?" ... It kind of seems like any guy who has ever acted passionately towards me was a cheater. I really just wish I could find somebody like myself ..

 

Especially if there is a pattern of this in your life with relationships, you know there's something to that. When something keeps happening over and over with those you put your trust and faith in, and they keep turning out to treat you badly and betray you, you have to look at that and ask, is this just the luck of the draw, or is it my internal compass somewhere leading me astray.

 

I don't think it's just the luck of the draw. This isn't to excuse his awful behavior, and he sounds pathologically narcissistic. But this is not the first time, is it? So what is it about narcissists that draws you? Narcissists are all about building you up to feel "special" -- so that's approval you're winning that feels like healing, but really it's a set-up to later have that flipped upside down so that you go running back to regain that feeling and "make them go back to loving you." It's like this elusive chase. Narcissists can smell people who need this; and those who need narcissists to play out this role, in order to try to heal the past, are vulnerable to their charms. Narcissists are your kyptonite the way alchohol is to an alcoholic. So you have to get really good at spotting them or avoiding people who might be strongly likely to have their attributes.

 

What confuses me about this is that I also felt he was special. Does that make me a narcissist? How do I spot them? Also, honest question.. are they more likely to pursue me if I am attractive?

 

 

I know this is going to sound really categorical and jaded, but others have mentioned it and I agree: the traveling/career musician thing, Lily -- don't ever do it again. I am tempted to say, just stop dating musicians, period. But that's a little totalizing. I do have to say though, having been weak for them, most of them are some form of narcissist. It also somewhat depends on what position they have in the band; and again, I'm generalizing, but it's still true enough for you to decide that there are certain types of people you will not date because the personality profile is too risky for you. A sexy, in-demand rock-'n'-roll musician is a disaster waiting to happen for you, and whatever he says to anyone, his world is so peopled with ego boosts, you need his more than he needs yours.

 

Again, what throws me off is that many members of the band have SOs. Although, he might be more of a narcissist than some of the others. He puts a lot of effort into his appearance and recently just posted a picture to instagram that I took of him on our last date... with the hashtag.. #rockstar. I was like.. you have to be kidding me... He really tried very hard to convince me though that he wasn't the type to sleep with groupies and had multiple people help cover it up for him..

 

 

In fact, I would have to ask, especially given what I've said above, if anything about this rings a bell: you said a few posts back "when did I stop being special to him?" If you dig in there, do you think part of the appeal of him to you was that out of all the women he could have, he chose you? You were "special" to him out of all the rest, so that was the "approval" and validation intoxicant for you?

 

I don't know. I just thought I had found somebody very similar to myself and that we were mutually special to each other. I would have been just as happy if he was not in a band or had left it all together. I also had plenty of other options but I thought we were dedicated to each other. He said that he felt we were soul mates. He asked me what stone I wanted for our engagement ring.. he wanted to meet my family and did multiple times. All the other people wanting him just made me feel kind of bad.

 

 

I don't doubt you loved him...but I'm saying, there may be some powerful and repeating psychic forces for you at play for you to deeply examine, so that you aim differently in the next relationship. And as hard as it is to do this, to not go into relationships saying, "I need you to prove to me that I can trust you." I think for you, starting with a strong infatuation is not the way to go...starting out with an unassuming friendship that grows into a love relationship, so you can tell character all along the way in everyday little ways, instead of relying ON SOMEONE'S WORDS.

 

Words are cheap (including telling you that they also had their heart broken/betrayed), so don't expect WORDS to cure you of mistrust and the past. Get to know the person and their moral compass through many interactions and watching their actions.

 

This is probably true. But how do you fall in love with somebody you are not very attracted to? ... Also, how do you really know that you can trust them? For example, you could spend a lot of time with them but they can still do things behind your back because of phones etc. We lived together for a decent amount of time but I never snooped on his phone. If i had, I would have discovered the truth much sooner.

 

 

I am not doing well today.

[Ms Darcy]

... It kind of seems like any guy who has ever acted passionately towards me was a cheater. I really just wish I could find somebody like myself.

 

Sometimes, just sometimes, the universe gives us patterns - the same challenges over and over again to force us to focus on things within ourselves.

[Jibralta]

If you're the type that likes to fall head over heels (like me), you will likely run into this sort of thing again and again until you finally decide that the cost outweighs the benefit. The connection is powerful. The feelings are intense. It seems like it's a perfect fit; you were meant to be together. Keep in mind that we have those feelings not because they are meaningful in and of themselves, but because we are designed to reproduce. Mother Nature approves absolutely EVERYTHING, and her stamp of approval is mighty. It is easy to confuse her approval with what is right in our everyday lives.

[Cope]

I am a musician. Do not date musicians. I don't.

 

Ok , yeah, kinda kidding, but not completely.Not all musicians are cheaters or Narcs. I have to admit, it makes it freakin easy to stray though. Something happens on stage and people see you differently. People who may not even recognize you if they bumped into you on the street.

 

But him being a musician wasn't the problem. Him being an A was. It's ok to have fallen for him, we have all made similar mistakes. You had the need to hear what he told you. You were probably in a state where you wanted to fall that much in love and he came in and said all the right things. Narcs and in general manipulative people have a radar for people in a bad psychological situation. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up.

 

... Also, how do you really know that you can trust them? For example, you could spend a lot of time with them but they can still do things behind your back because of phones etc.

 

That's true, but there are signs that will most definitely point out his trustworthiness outside of your relationship. Check how he treats his friends, how he treats others, how he treats the waiter. There is a nice saying "A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter, is not a nice person." You have to work on yourself ont his, after this relationship you have developed trust issues. I strongly recommend therapy. i wish someone pulled me into therapy when i went through a similar break up. I am still dealing with issues from it, 4 years later. Treat yourself, your future and your future loved ones with therapy now!

 

 

We lived together for a decent amount of time but I never snooped on his phone. If i had, I would have discovered the truth much sooner. (

 

Snooping NEVER ends up well. In time, you will learn to avoid people like this and trust yourself more. If you feel good in your own skin, if you trust yourself, you will see that you will trust other people too. As i read in a nice article, "Trust is a choice, it's not earned"

 

 

I hope you are doing better today NightLily!