How do I handle her disrespectful kids?

[tunil]

So I've been dating my love for almost a year and a half. All is perfect between her and I. When its just the 2 of us, we don't fight or argue about anything. We always go places and have fun together. However her teenage daughters are selfish, greedy, spoiled, rude children. They raise their voice to me all the time. If my kids talk to me like that, they get my temper and they usually don't act up again for a month or so. But her kids do it daily and when I get mad enough to raise my voice back, I'm instantly the bad guy. I'm kinda getting fed up with it. I've talked to my girl about it many times yet nothing is changing. I'm in love with her but don't know if I'll be happy in the long run if things don't get a Lil more respectful around here. Do yall have any advice on how I can try to help things get better?

[Ms Darcy]

There are always two sides to every story. I had a family friend who similarly claimed his gfs kids were disrespectful when in fact neither he nor the mom really had any empathy for how hard the kids were suffering from the parents' divorce.

 

Instead of running towards negatively labelling children, try to be the adult. Give them space. Spend most of your time with your girlfriend and encourage your gf to work with her kids to understand what feelings they're going through and determine if they are acting out.

[melancholy123]

It is your gf's job to discipline her kids, not yours, never yours. Teen girls can be so annoying so I can appreciate how they push your buttons. How seriously have you discussed this with your gf? She needs to understand how her kids are acting towards you. Also, if these kids are close to finishing school and moving out, that can be good for you!

[Capricorn3]

This is a very dangerous road to go down when kids are involved. They were raised the way they were and if they don't know how to be respectful by now, then I highly doubt things will change. This is who they are, so you know what you're heading into you. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but I highly doubt it will change anything. They are part of the whole package, so if you want a future with your girlfriend, the kids come with it. If discussing the issue hasn't made any difference, then you are either going to have to learn to deal with it and accept it. If you can't handle the whole deal, then you know what to do.

 

Maybe try family counselling?

[j.man]

I mean I get that kids can be little ****s sometimes, but how are they getting the opportunity to give you lip every day you're around them? I'm sure there are more fun activities they'd prefer than harassing their mother's boyfriend. What are your interactions with them when they do this?

[tunil]

Thanks for all your responses. Your all saying things that've been bouncing around in my head for the last couple months. Just sucks that so far, it feels like I'm gonna give up on the love I have because she did a bad job of raising her kids before she met me.

[shellyf62]

How are you treating her children? You are not their father, you are their mother's boyfriend and as such you have no right to try to discipline them or tell them what to do in their home.

 

My mother dated, then married a man who tried to be the dictator in our family. It was horrendous. My sisters & I are scarred because of this. He was emotionally & physically abusive.

 

Maybe you need to look at your behaviour as much as theirs.

[Seraphim]

When did their parents divorce and how was that divorce handled ?

[bulletproof]

But her kids do it daily and when I get mad enough to raise my voice back, I'm instantly the bad guy.

 

By this you mean you're yelling at them?

You are not their parent or even their stepparent. And even if you were, I don't know that yelling at them would be the best way to handle it.

This is your gf's responsibility, not yours. And remember that she (and their father, maybe?) raised them; they are a reflection of her own values, to some degree.

 

What does she say about this when you discuss it?

[faraday]

I think it's always hard with teenagers...and it's really hard coming into a family with teenagers. I can empathize.

 

At the same time...I've had two relationships (that have made it to the point of meeting my daughter) since I split with my daughters father. One bf thought my daughter was loud, rude, and obnoxious. He wanted her to watch tv and leave us alone...any time she wanted to play or talk, he viewed her as an interruption (she was 5). He thought I was too much of a pushover (what he didn't get is that I can't say "no" to everything...she has to have fun and have a life too).

 

The other guy...thinks she's delightful, empathetic and funny. He adores her. He does things with her all the time- things that interest her. He'll spend hours digging up bugs in the garden with her, he taught her how to ride her bike. He considers her to be his daughter. He thinks I'm an amazing mother. We talk about discipline together, and we're on the same page.

 

Guess which one I ended up with? All I'm saying is...you can't make people be who you want them to be. Teenagers are probably not going to respond well to someone coming in, taking up their mothers time, yelling at them, and trying to control them.

 

Trying to empathize with them...attempting to understand their perspective...will get you a lot farther in having a diplomatic relationship with them. Sometimes it's about deciding if you want to be right, or if you want to be happy.

 

If you really think your gf is a horrible mother...it's probably best you end things. I mean...parenting is something most people give their all too...and if a couple fundamentally disagrees on how to parent...it's not going to work if there are children involved. It's an incompatibility in lifestyle and values.

[jjkk]

Like the others I'm interested in what is taking place when they behave disrespectfully. For example, are you minding your own business and they come to you and start crap? Or are you inferring with them? The specific situations that involve this disrespect will direct my response.

[Snny]

You will never, ever win with a teenager if you are yelling and screaming at them. Sorry, you lose every time whenever you resort to yelling at them. Nobody likes being yelled at, child or not. You are fighting an uphill battle and are failing here.

 

The only way you can earn their respect and cooperation is by building a relationship with them. You have to sell it to them that you are worth their time, attention and trust. But if you are yelling at them, you are already showing them that you have nothing positive to think about them, and they just aren't going to care about you.

 

Let your girlfriend handle discipline since you are the boyfriend. Her kids know you aren't their legal guardian and that you have no power to disicipline them. And keep in mind: her kids also have the power to influence your girlfriend more so than you. She can easily get rid of you than get rid of her own kids.

So you really need to think about your approach here by having to work on the relationship aspect. This will get them to like you enough to WANT to follow you (in not saying be their friend).

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately they are a package deal. All you can do is realize they are acting out because of the parents divorce and mom has a new bf, not to mention teens try to push the envelope, push buttons, etc. and get insolent in general. Keep calm, speak calmly and let the mom handle them as much as possible. Speak with your gf about things and let her address it. It's her job to talk with her teens about respecting her dates, friends, choices, etc.

So I've been dating my love for almost a year and a half. They raise their voice to me all the time.

[Silverbirch]

Unfortunately they are a package deal. All you can do is realize they are acting out because of the parents divorce and mom has a new bf, not to mention teens try to push the envelope, push buttons, etc. and get insolent in general. Keep calm, speak calmly and let the mom handle them as much as possible. Speak with your gf about things and let her address it. It's her job to talk with her teens about respecting her dates, friends, choices, etc.

 

I get what you are saying about it being a "package deal" but not sure if that has to be true for everyone. I've been in a relationship with someone who had teens, one of them very troubled. Having your own teenagers can be hard enough. I could say almost 100% I would never be in a relationship with a person who had kids, teenagers, grown up kids again - at least I wouldn't see him when he was needing to be with his kids. I would respect that time they need to be together.

[abitbroken]

I would tell them, that as long as they are raising their voices, you will not listen to them. And make good on them. No, you should not discipline them, but YES, you should not put up with anyone yelling at you, kicking or swearing at you. Say it as calmly as possible and disengage from them. Yes, they could be having a hard time with the divorce, but that is up to their parents to work with - when you are around them - that does not mean that they are allowed to disrespect you.

 

Also, keep in mind that if you are in a relationship with their mom, you get them too. I have seen relationships breakup due to the prospect of stepparenting particular kids.