I am having difficulty accepting my boyfriends bisexuality for no reason

[sara-pezzini]

The thing is, I know now, that I do not want to experiment and there is the problem : should I really make myself do something like last time, that I really didn't enjoy so he could do it? Maybe yes? But will I feel like last time? Will I want to bury it and try to never mention it again like last time? Would he want to try again after that?

 

You're making it much bigger in your head, you're already making statements as if they will happen, but you don't know that.

How about staying focused on the present and not all the what if's?

He's told you he's bisexual,probably took him a lot of courage to say and he clearly feels safe enough to do so.

Talk to him and listen to him...but leave all the what if's because chances are he doesn't know.

There are many bisexuals who stay married to their partner and never stray, as he says it's about loving someone no matter if they're man or woman and he clearly loves you and wants to marry you, don't think he would want to propose if he wasn't sure.

You need to decide for yourself if you love him too as he is, but don't get ahead of yourself with all that may or may not happen!

[dave_1966]

No, health risks are every where, in every orientation.

 

There's some quite specific ones when guys sleep together.

[Venny2900]

Yes and there is just as much chances for some other kind of fatal ones when a woman and a man sleep together.

[agent1607307371]

There's some quite specific ones when guys sleep together.

 

Nothing that women who sleep with men can't get. Hate to break this to you, but unless you're celibate, you're at risk.

[j.man]

Yes and there is just as much chances for some other kind of fatal ones when a woman and a man sleep together.

I wouldn't say just as many. HIV transmission is much more prevalent among gay men because the rectal lining is so thin.

 

That said, properly lubricated and protected anal sex is just as safe as any other method. Still, you wouldn't be a bad person for insisting on an STD test (assuming you two haven't already gotten one). Bottom line is you need your mind put to ease. This isn't something easy to process, and if you are interested in continuing this relationship, you need to sit with him and speak to him candidly about your concerns.

[Venny2900]

Probably at the moment but soon that statistic will change too... I've had three girls come in with HIV at the clinic I work at but not any men... I think that has to do with the fact that people tend to educate more gay men on that subject... They were young girls after all... But no, I don't think that will be an issue with him... unless he's unfaithful but bisexual or not, he could still contract something. Thank you for the kind words.

[j.man]

Probably at the moment but soon that statistic will change too... I've had three girls come in with HIV at the clinic I work at but not any men... I think that has to do with the fact that people tend to educate more gay men on that subject... They were young girls after all... But no, I don't think that will be an issue with him... unless he's unfaithful but bisexual or not, he could still contract something. Thank you for the kind words.

I don't see any demographic succeeding gay men (or bisexual men having engaged or actively engaging in male-male intercourse) in HIV transmission rates any time soon, if ever. It's not a knock on gay men at all. I'm just as OK with them as I am anyone else. But it'd be like denying the fact lumberjacks are more prone to back injuries than a secretary.

 

In any case, even if he hadn't ever had anal intercourse and was completely straight, an STD test always a good idea in a relationship, and that goes for both of you.

 

Good luck with everything. I'd strongly suggest you speak with him about every issue and potential issue you've raised with us. If he's got any common sense, he'll understand where you're coming from.

[Venny2900]

Thank you so much! And I will!

[reinventmyself]

I glanced over this entire thread and I put myself in her place.

I am midly liberal with several gay friends and to each his own, seriously.

 

But I have to admit if my man told me today he was bisexual it might rock me as well.

 

He said he had a relationship with another man yet it wasn't sexual?

I guess I might be concerned as well that if he had an attraction to the opposite sex, which clearly I am not, is this something that he'll feel the need to explore in the future? And if he's asking me to marry him than I will be his future?

Will I wonder if he had regrets or temptations for a desire he hasn't fulfilled.

And the timing of when he chose to speak up, in anticipation of a proposal? Maybe it means nothing, but. .

 

I guess if Steve loved Jane then it doesn't matter if he is attracted to Tom or Sue. Love is love and you are his choice.

I get that I just argued both sides here. .

But there in lies the problem. He opened up a can of worms and it definitely deserves some conversations. .between you and him.

[DancingFool]

What would rock me hard in this is not his sexuality, but the fact that he lied to me about who he is for 3 years, let the connection and relationship develop and then, a week before proposing sprung the truth. It's......manipulative.....and dishonest.....and THAT is something that I'd be having a hard time with. It would really bring me down to for three years that I've been with him, I've never really know who he is and what he is, so what else might I not know about him. What else is hidden behind the jokes and the cuteness, what have you? Those are the thoughts that would be running through my mind. His actual sexuality is almost like a red herring here.

[Venny2900]

You basically just summed up everything in my mind with that second paragraph. But like someone said earlier on, there's also the problem that I'm doing to many ifs and maybe. Then again marriage is a whole future.

I decided that I'll just tell him everything, like I usually do, if he's attracted to men, it honestly doesn't bother me but in the long run, if he wants me as a wife, he has to understand that I can't possibly deal with sharing him. Same would go if he was straight or I was a lesbian.

[reinventmyself]

What would rock me hard in this is not his sexuality, but the fact that he lied to me about who he is for 3 years, let the connection and relationship develop and then, a week before proposing sprung the truth. It's......manipulative.....and dishonest.....and THAT is something that I'd be having a hard time with. It would really bring me down to for three years that I've been with him, I've never really know who he is and what he is, so what else might I not know about him. What else is hidden behind the jokes and the cuteness, what have you? Those are the thoughts that would be running through my mind. His actual sexuality is almost like a red herring here.

 

that's sums it up perfectly! I think that's what's got her off balance. Probably feeling as everything she knew to be isn't so.

the theme doesn't matter (as much)

[mhowe]

Precisely. He has allowed you to believe what any woman would believe of her male partner. For three years. Call it a lie of omission. Call it allowing the connection to build...call it lack of true trust until...a few days ago?

 

Something about this revelation and its timing...and that he left the ring where it might be found and has told others about when he will propose...has a nasty smell to it.

[Venny2900]

I did ask why he didn't say it before. He told me it was because he thought it didn't matter since like he said : love is love and gender doesn't mean anything to him. If he fell in love, he fell in love. I know about the suddenly telling me before he proposes... I don't like it either and I will mention it. But in three years he has never been dishonest... He's the kind of guy who says when he's angry, says when he's sad or happy, he never really hid anything from me. He's always been honest with me, sometimes a little too honest, he certainly not afraid to tell me when I'm doing something wrong... But that's part of his charm

[mhowe]

He hasn't been honest. He has known this since the day he asked you out.

 

His belief can be that "love is love and gender doesn't matter". He doesn't get to assume that is your belief.

[j.man]

I would likewise echo the sentiment of it being a bit fishy he waited three years for this. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it's the fact he's decided to marry you that prompted this disclosure, but that can swing both ways. It could either be him simply preparing you for the fact you may catch him glancing at gay porn, or it could be a disclaimer preceding a change in sexual dynamics within your relationship.

 

This is ultimately up to you to hash out, or whether or not you even want to try. Apart from the details of this incident that you've shared with us, you obviously know him better than any of us. But for sure it's something you should discuss without leaving any rock unturned.

[mhowe]

I can be tolerant of anyone's right to practice what they believe in. It doesn't mean I would marry a Druid.

[Venny2900]

Oh I'm not so sure about that. That's where my fault comes in. I have a lesbian couple as friends, we often go out to dinner altogether with another of our friend. Our other friend mentioned she had a fling with another woman once and the conversation led on to people should just love each other and gender is not really important, that society should change to believe that. When he told me over dinner about his bisexuality he brought back up that conversation and said he felt more confident and in love with me because I was agreeing with that. Of course the conversation never went on to talk about what happens when you don't want to share or experiment.... He knows I'm conservative in bed but did I ever voice out that I'm totally not capable... no....

[Venny2900]

Oh and by the way if its about the ring, in his messy wardrobe, he throws his jeans around carelessly. He literaly unfolds everything I fold nicely, to look at then decides not to wear it and throws it on the wardrobe floor Anyway he throws his dirty jeans there too and when I stepped in his wardrobe to steal a shirt I stepped on all his jeans. And I stepped on the box and got pissed off so I picked up the jeans and went through the pockets to destroy whatever hurt my foot ( because I do that lol ) But yeah... I highly doubt he placed it there on purpose

[reinventmyself]

Our other friend mentioned she had a fling with another woman once and the conversation led on to people should just love each other and gender is not really important, that society should change to believe that. When he told me over dinner about his bisexuality he brought back up that conversation and said he felt more confident and in love with me because I was agreeing with that.

 

But he waited three years for some indication that you might be ok with it and only then did he tell you.

To me it seems important enough to have been brought up in the beginning so you had full disclosure to what you were agreeing to.

Not after he bought the ring and needed to secure it. The timing feels a little self serving.

[Venny2900]

You make a good point there

[LC8328]

Read through this whole thread and I have to agree that it was the fact he held it from you for so long, because as relationships grow we build up a mental file of who our significant other is, in our minds, all the good and all the bad, and a basic part of it has turned out to be different than what was assumed. It doesn't have to do with orientation per se.

 

I have been with a bisexual man and he wasn't less of a man to me at all. BUT I knew his orientation beforehand.

 

Also, I told my husband I was bi maybe...let me think...about a couple months of us seeing each other? I don't remember the exact number, but it was pretty early on. Why? Because even though it was early, we were very serious about each other and I wanted him to know the entirety of who I am. I wanted him to look at all of me and decide if this is something he would be comfortable with (only the orientation itself, not 'still wanting to be with women even though I'm taken BS').

 

So this is what bothers me personally about your situation. Honestly, 3 years is quite a long time to not tell someone you love so much something so important. That's what I would wonder about.

 

I think what it comes down to is hopefully you and him can just sit down and talk about everything. I know it's uncomfortable but you're going to have to get used to talking about the things that concern you, especially things about him. And he knows it's coming from what it sounds like. These things you're asking us, you can ask him. He knows you well enough to know you're not a hypocrite and that these are just your genuine feelings and you want to sort them out for both your sakes.

 

I hope your talk goes well.

[annie24]

I think it has to do a lot with the fact that if ever he wants to explore that side of him, I would find it difficult for me, for my preferences. Honestly as a human to another human, experimenting is the key to life. But there are something we know we can try and others we know we would never be able to. I have experimented, he knows, he knows everything about me. And I found out that in my sexual life, I am traditional, I like simple things and I don't want to share. And one day, thinking he might want to try and being torn between the idea of encouraging him and not being able to respect my needs....

 

I've dated a bi man and I felt this way when I was with him (but we broke up for other reasons). I would be afraid to marry a man who was bi but hadn't explored that fully. I mean, what if after 5 years he suddenly has a strong urge to be with a man. Could you support him? Though the others bring up a good point, a man can have strong feelings to be with another woman as well. Maybe we just accept that our man will be attracted to other women. But it's hard when he might be attracted to other men as well. you can't provide that experience for him.

 

I agree with the others that you two need to talk about this and boundaries. Is he ready to go the rest of his life without having a male lover? or other female lovers? just you and only you? can he be honest about it?

 

PS - I would not get engaged until you two have reached a solution you can live with.

[Lady Amalthea]

How did the talk go last night OP?

[DancingFool]

]I did ask why he didn't say it before. He told me it was because he thought it didn't matter since like he said : love is love and gender doesn't mean anything to him. If he fell in love' date=' he fell in love.[/b'] I know about the suddenly telling me before he proposes... I don't like it either and I will mention it. But in three years he has never been dishonest... He's the kind of guy who says when he's angry, says when he's sad or happy, he never really hid anything from me. He's always been honest with me, sometimes a little too honest, he certainly not afraid to tell me when I'm doing something wrong... But that's part of his charm

 

I'm sorry but that sounds like such a load of nice sounding bs. IF he really believes that, then there was no problem with him telling you who he is from the get go and letting the chips fall where they may. Also, how can you say he has never hid anything from you when he hid something like that - it's not minor and he knows that. I don't know....it might have been three years, but it would appear that rose colored glasses might be coming off for you just now and there is a lot more you need to learn, process and digest about him before making any life altering decisions.