I am having difficulty accepting my boyfriends bisexuality for no reason

[Sportster2005]

Not really. He's the most macho man I've ever met. But honestly, whatever orientation he shouldn't have an effect on that... There are plenty of gay men who are macho as heck. So no, I don't think it affects me that way... I will admit when it comes to the bedroom, I can experiment but I have a deep preference for traditionalism... which makes me kind of boring but he never said anything against it... Maybe I am afraid he's going to ask me to? I had an expirament with another woman... and heavily dislike it... And man or woman I'd certainly never agree to share with anyone... When it comes to a relationship, I'm dead set on having it only for two people. I don't mind or care or even its none of my business about other couples. But not for me, I would get jealous too much

 

Now's the time to ask. He said ask him anything. Take him up on it. If he's thinking of experimenting, find out now.

 

Keep examining why you feel the way you do. Hopefully you can find the source and correct it. Keep in mind at the end of the day you feel the way you feel. You may have to consider taking a break, or even breaking. I'm not recommending either way. But the reality you have every right to feel the way you do. You need not feel guilt, and you don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

Keep dialogue with him, and keep self examination. But give yourself permission to leave if it's for the best.

[Venny2900]

Alright so the talk from sad to bad to worse to - still no idea. But first I want to thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it.

 

He came home looking like a sad puppy with take out and a dozen roses. I know he has problems sometimes talking about his emotions and get carried away and confused so this was probably his way to try to get off easy. So I told him about what I thought : That I did not mind his bisexuality, that the problem was mainly because I am afraid that eventually, he will feel the desire to be a with a man ( not in love but just want) and that I can't possibly satisfy him in that and I really don't think being bisexual any kind of cheating no matter what. And that a lot of my insecurity about this, was about me not being able to satisfy him in every way. Which pissed him off and what pissed him off more is when I told him about how I found the engagement ring. He got angry that I didn't trust him enough to be loyal to me and that I presumed I wasn't enough. Of course he got really mad with me knowing about the ring saying it was meant to be a surprise but now, not only did we argue in his "special" week he had planned for us but it was a ruined surprise. Apparently he wanted to have a whole " romantic" great moments week and that's why he insisted on doing something special every day like go to nice dinners or have the random karaoke night we had. Anyway, I don't really understand what he was trying to do but I do know, Its his type do mess up things when it comes to romance or surprises or occasions and I kind of believe him on that. But he did press on a lot about being upset that I can't seem to trust him and I brought up on how hard it is to try to predict ourselves in five years because as human beings we are constantly changing and that him not telling me for three years made it harder. Whose to tell me in five years he won't suddenly decide to explore his other side. What would I do then. And he did pull out the " your saying a lot of IF and MAYBE. But then again James never thinks farther than his nose. I certainly don't want to be standing in the middle of the people I love and promise myself to him if I have a paranoid doubt in my mind he'll just change one day. I can compete with what another woman can give him physically but not a man. And he got even more upset saying I don't really understand what he's saying because he's saying its just not important as long as there's feelings and if he does end up with a man when were together it's because he's in love with the guy and not because he wants to experiment and he doesn't want to put me in any situation that would put me uncomfortable. At the same time, James doesn't think farther than his nose and I keep telling myself obviously I'm the problem here, it even sounds like I have trust issues but then I get mad that maybe just maybe all my fears are rational... maybe he will, maybe he won't and all I have to do is throw a dice and hope for the best? But is that really marriage? Well like usual when he's upset he turned really sarcastic and blamed a lot on my "homophobic religious white bread" parents... and that I was a princess... and that just made me angry instead of guilty.

So that was bad. This morning I had to go to work for the 10th day in a row and I was exhausted and upset and woke up to him making us breakfast which I decided I wasn't in the mood to sit next to him for. Off to work, and it gets worse, at my lunch break I get an email from his sister, who is kind of nosy and asked me what was wrong with her brother, because when James is in a bad mood I'm the only person he vents to. So I asked her if she knew her brother was bisexual and listen to this : apparently he brings home a girlfriend in high school and present her to his father and sister and all goes well until the relationship ends. At the beginning of college, suddenly, without explanation, he brings a guy home ( and by the description, I recognize him from James story) and never even bothers to tell his father or sister that he's bisexual, he just shows up and : here patrick the guy I am dating. So officially, his sister and his father thought he turned gay, no one brought it up until later on when he comes back with a girl and present her to them. I know he's not the type to willingly talk about how he feels but wow. So she told me that's how they figured it out. I asked her to let me handle it because I know he hates it when she gets involved ( she's a therapist and it gets on his nerves)

 

As for tonight : I came home. He had gotten some more flowers and a cover I wanted a while back. I know he thinks just buying things will excuse him from talking seriously about this... but I don't think so. I asked if he wanted to see a councillor, he doesn't want, he does not believe in that and that we are a team and we can work anything out. I asked if I could get a break to see clearly into my thoughts : he told me absolutely not, because its the same thing as breaking up and he definitely doesn't want to break up. I have no idea what to do. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I am exhausted and I'm sitting in the kitchen while he does puppy eyes and sulks in the living room. Sometimes texting me: I don't want to lose you. ( yes even if were in the same house he texts me)

Sometimes I feel like I am reading too much into the future and being paranoid. But I keep reminding myself, sometimes people change and its not always in the way we want.

 

So that's what's going on.

[mhowe]

I Would make seeing a counselor a deal breaker.

 

He is trying to bully you into accepting his bisexuality.

[sara-pezzini]

Yup the not wanting counseling would be a deal breaker for me too! He can't force you to just accept and bribe you with flowers and gifts!

 

The one thing that is hilarious if it wasn't so sad is that he had this whole romantic big week filled with surprises planned leading up to a romantic proposal, and he starts this week off with by the way honey, I'm bisexual?

What's he thinking?

[annie24]

I Would make seeing a counselor a deal breaker.

 

He is trying to bully you into accepting his bisexuality.

 

yeah, basically!!! I don't know why he thinks he can sweep something as big as his sexual orientation under the rug up..... like it's no big deal, let's get engaged?!?! I mean..... that's a huge bombshell to drop on someone. seeing a counselor would be a no-brainer.

 

I think you would be right to run away and not look back.

[sara-pezzini]

I think he had it all planned out, the surprises, the proposal, sweeping you off your feet, planning the wedding, but crap, wait, i have to tell her this one thing because otherwise it may come out through my parents or my sister "we thought he'd never get married because then he brought a girl home, then a guy so we didn't know what to think" and that's why he told you now at this time.....

[annie24]

I think he had it all planned out, the surprises, the proposal, sweeping you off your feet, planning the wedding, but crap, wait, i have to tell her this one thing because otherwise it may come out through my parents or my sister "we thought he'd never get married because then he brought a girl home, then a guy so we didn't know what to think" and that's why he told you now at this time.....

 

yup.....................

[Venny2900]

One thing for sure, he's so clumsy with expressing himself. It makes it hard for me to understand just what exactly he means so when he wants to express himself, he says these long examples and sentences that I have to break down in order to build back a figure out what he's saying exactly. If being in a relationship with him taught me anything its : not take anything seriously without thinking about it.

But that's one thing that has been bothering me about our relationship for a while : the fact that I seem to be the only one who thinks before she talks. His own family asks me how he's doing instead of asking him.

[mhowe]

I would have been out the door when he called my parents white bread homophobes and called me a princess because I am doubting his ability to commit.

[Venny2900]

Yeah I get that. I really wasn't happy too... but when it comes to my parents... I love them. But they are homophobes. " Its Adam and Eve" " Not Adam and Steve" My dad told me often. And I know he would not want to go out hunting with James if he found out he was bisexual. They literally think that bisexual means : a gay hiding man.

 

But I wonder? What do you mean by his ability to commit

[sara-pezzini]

I would have been out the door when he called my parents white bread homophobes and called me a princess because I am doubting his ability to commit.

 

Me too!...

[Venny2900]

Haha... That would be a funny story to tell : remember when you tried to proposed and declared you were bisexual and I totally freaked out and it ruined everything.

 

One thing for sure, I asked if he could try again in a year. No matter what decision I take, I think it should be farther from this drama.

[sara-pezzini]

Haha... That would be a funny story to tell : remember when you tried to proposed and declared you were bisexual and I totally freaked out and it ruined everything.

 

One thing for sure, I asked if he could try again in a year. No matter what decision I take, I think it should be farther from this drama.

 

Great story for the kids! Dad how did you propose? Well first i told your mom I'm into guys as well.........

But seriously you need more time, he's had many years to get used to this idea, he gives you a day? A week? And gets angry if you ask questions when he said you can ask him anything, he's big with the talking and big gestures but not with the listening to you and understanding how this hit you

[mhowe]

Yeah I get that. I really wasn't happy too... but when it comes to my parents... I love them. But they are homophobes. " Its Adam and Eve" " Not Adam and Steve" My dad told me often. And I know he would not want to go out hunting with James if he found out he was bisexual. They literally think that bisexual means : a gay hiding man.

 

But I wonder? What do you mean by his ability to commit

 

"If he becomes attracted to a man when he is with you it will be about love"😌😌😌😌😖

[Venny2900]

Oh gosh. Already that I'm worried I'm not enough. I suppose in the end nothing is sure when it comes to marriage. I just feel like if it were just one way he could go, I could compete.

I just asked him about the counselling since he insist to sit around me sulking and giving me eyes and he said we always worked through everything together why bring someone else into the picture. If I force him to go when he doesn't want to, he'll never take it seriously.

[mhowe]

Enough tell him he goes or you will not consider getting engaged. That a lie of this magnitude, hidden from you for three years has created trust issues that will not be solved by chatting with his manipulative ass.

[Venny2900]

Easier said than done. Something tells me he won't take it seriously. Besides I feel like I'm the one who has to stop looking too far... especially when I highly doubt marriages worked in the first place. I think that has a lot to add to the whole situation. As in " marriage is hard enough" lets not add anything

[mhowe]

You don't sound too thrilled with him or marriage. Enjoy romance week and then tell him to pound sand.

[annie24]

Easier said than done. Something tells me he won't take it seriously. Besides I feel like I'm the one who has to stop looking too far... especially when I highly doubt marriages worked in the first place. I think that has a lot to add to the whole situation. As in " marriage is hard enough" lets not add anything

 

As in.... marriage is hard enough without your husband being bisexual?!?!

[mhowe]

As in marriage is hard enough without finding out your bf has been keeping secrets from you for 3 YEARS.

[Venny2900]

More and in marriage nowadays is ridiculous. People think that all it takes is love to get married but its much more than that. I haven't been married and I'm actually still pretty young to be married. It takes loves absolutely but communication, understanding, patience and partnership. Today people get married and when it doesn't work throw it away or they change and their partner change and don't bother to consider to look deep down to see if the person they still love is there. I still say it: people change. But marriage is knowing someone enough to be your partner and respect you and interest you enough to even when they change with the years : still make you happy you married them. I'm afraid of marriage anyway, straight or bi. Because I know it's a lot of work and if going to be building something with someone I don't want it to go to waste. But if I simply throw him out, without understanding completely the situation and how I feel about it... Simply giving up... Then no matter who I chose, I will never be ready to work at marriage.

 

If I'm going to parade around in a white dress like a circus pony, it better be dam worth it,

[mhowe]

Yeah...well, since he doesn't think before he speaks and he is more words that truth...I wouldn't say hitching your pony to his wagon is a smart idea.

[Venny2900]

I don't know, it might sound like I'm giving him a lot of excuses but just because someone is not agile with expressing themselves does it really mean their dishonest ?

[annie24]

I don't know, it might sound like I'm giving him a lot of excuses but just because someone is not agile with expressing themselves does it really mean their dishonest ?

 

this is a REALLY big thing to keep from your alleged best friend/gf/lover/partner. I mean.... seriously. I can't even compare this to anything else because your partner's sexual orientation is highly relevant to you.

[Venny2900]

this is a REALLY big thing to keep from your alleged best friend/gf/lover/partner. I mean.... seriously. I can't even compare this to anything else because your partner's sexual orientation is highly relevant to you.

I agree on that. And that's not easy for me to accept he did that. But when he tells me he didn't think it mattered, bringing back a lot of moments where I said it was fine. He's always been there for me and me for him. He's never given up on me when I have my moments and I'm always there to help him out. He always misjudge situations. And like I said doesn't see further than his nose. This frustrates me because I sound like a guilty manipulated girlfriend... I can't believe it would be possible he would hide it from me purposely... even then if he did how would it make sense? Why would he hide it in the first place??