Venny2900 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Yeah we are concentrating a lot more on that point right now and thank you! Link to comment
gingervixen Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I think women are attractive and have had "women crushes" before. I've fantasized about being intimate with one. But I wouldn't. It's just not what I want. Maybe OP's boyfriend says he is bisexual because he fantasizes with having sex with a man, but doesn't actually want to. That's why I asked if she had asked him questions, specifically if he had had sex with a man before. I have girl crushes too but I am not a bisexual because I would never have sex with a woman. That being said, if he has clearly said he is a bisexual it's because he would have, or has had sex with a man. A man telling me he's bisexual is a HUGE deal breaker for me. I'd break up with him instantly. I'm not a homophobe but the idea of being with a guy who's had sex with a man irks me. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 We all have our different deal breakers! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 We had this huge argument about the why not telling me in three years tonight. He's lost his patience with our not talking and I warned him I didn't want to get into the subject. But he couldn't wait for tomorrow. He should have. Anyway it goes like this : he didn't figure out our relationship was important at first because he was from England and didn't expect to actually stay. But then we got serious and he wanted to casually mention it but through everything it was a small subject according to him. And then it became later on in the relationship and he, himself said he had even forgotten that he should have told me because he saw how open minded I was and that I probably wouldn't make a big deal out it. And finally since he decided to propose, he thought well why not say it now since were having this " we are so perfect together week" leading to the day he wanted to propose. Because his bisexuality and my open mind make such a great couple. He said if he could turn back time he would tell me as soon as he met me if he had known it would be something major to me. He asked me to forgive him and I didn't answer. So then he asked me to pretend it never happened and I got mad and then he asked me to forgive him for saying that. I have no idea what the hell to think or feel or do. And I told him that and he got upset and for the first time in three years I saw him shed tears. I don't know So now I'm in the kitchen eating an orange. There is a large gap between having an open mind and wanting to marry someone who is bisexual (or for that matter, some folks would also feel betrayed if their significant other told them "by the way, I have been divorced before" at the point of proposal and they didn't know before. For all the folks who say "it doesn't mean that he wants to be with a man again" - that was valid early on in the relationship when she was allowed to decide if she wanted to date him or not or have a serious relationship with him - not at the point of commitment. If this is something that is bothering her now, it will become a wedge in marriage. To me its only partially about bisexuality - the other half is springing this on her at this point. Honestly, I would not accept an engagement from a man where marriage could remotely also solve residencey problems. If i were you, I would cool this off and take a step back from him so you have time to think without the pressure of him trying to convince you about being cool about it because you are so open minded. I am open minded. I am open minded to hear what others experience and have to say, but I am very specific on what I allow within my marriage/engagement relationship/serious relationship. Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 1) I think Venny2900 already said that the engagement has nothing to do with solving his residency problems, so there is no need to be paranoid on those motives and have such baseless distrust. 2) Once again, if he is monogamous and one-person man, he's not going to cheat, whether with a man or with a woman. If smth happens in future (as none of us can ensure everything 100% and stuff happens sometimes where we never suspect it), if it does happen, then what difference would it make whether it's with a woman or a man? Cheating is cheating. Faithfulness is faithfulness. Gender has nothing to do with either. 3) If anything at all would bother me in this situation, it's the fact that he waited that long to come out with it. It is not in the same category as major lies/witholdings of truth of the type "I am engaged to someone else, I have an ex-wife and 3 kids, I am HIV positive etc", but bigger than "I hate asparugus or I lied about liking your soup" kind of witholdings. I would also prefer to be told this earlier on in the relationship, if not right at the beginning (since it's not the first category of information) then at least somewhere in the middle. But I don't think it is something big enough to label him a liar and certainly not a manipulator. Come on. Maybe to someone who is reaaaally conventional and conservative, but if he had an impression that Vennie is liberal than it's hardly some big dark secret to hide. Which at the same time sort of makes it strange that he didn't say it sooner. But I'd ascribe it more to some awkwardness/stalling than to outright intention of deceipt. It is really hard to say more without knowing him in person. You know him, Venny, better than any of us here. How about focusing your conversation with him on this point and trying calmly to see his motivations and what it speaks to you intuitively? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 1) I think Venny2900 already said that the engagement has nothing to do with solving his residency problems, so there is no need to be paranoid on those motives and have such baseless distrust. 2) Once again, if he is monogamous and one-person man, he's not going to cheat, whether with a man or with a woman. If smth happens in future (as none of us can ensure everything 100% and stuff happens sometimes where we never suspect it), if it does happen, then what difference would it make whether it's with a woman or a man? Cheating is cheating. Faithfulness is faithfulness. Gender has nothing to do with either. 3) If anything at all would bother me in this situation, it's the fact that he waited that long to come out with it. It is not in the same category as major lies/witholdings of truth of the type "I am engaged to someone else, I have an ex-wife and 3 kids, I am HIV positive etc", but bigger than "I hate asparugus or I lied about liking your soup" kind of witholdings. I would also prefer to be told this earlier on in the relationship, if not right at the beginning (since it's not the first category of information) then at least somewhere in the middle. But I don't think it is something big enough to label him a liar and certainly not a manipulator. Come on. Maybe to someone who is reaaaally conventional and conservative, but if he had an impression that Vennie is liberal than it's hardly some big dark secret to hide. Which at the same time sort of makes it strange that he didn't say it sooner. But I'd ascribe it more to some awkwardness/stalling than to outright intention of deceipt. It is really hard to say more without knowing him in person. You know him, Venny, better than any of us here. How about focusing your conversation with him on this point and trying calmly to see his motivations and what it speaks to you intuitively? Yeah we have been talking a lot since last night but we both had a crazy day today. However we made it, we'll I was late, to our meeting with the councillor and it went... I have no idea. According to her, we are both to blame but that my problem is a lot more personal and deeper than our relationship. Meaning I have issues that I had carried around before meeting him and long story short ; we both assume too much We are going to continue going... the only difference is that now I'm the one whose not enthused to go and he's the one who thinks it's going to do us some good... At the beginning it was the opposite. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Yeah we have been talking a lot since last night but we both had a crazy day today. However we made it, we'll I was late, to our meeting with the councillor and it went... I have no idea. According to her, we are both to blame but that my problem is a lot more personal and deeper than our relationship. Meaning I have issues that I had carried around before meeting him and long story short ; we both assume too much We are going to continue going... the only difference is that now I'm the one whose not enthused to go and he's the one who thinks it's going to do us some good... At the beginning it was the opposite. How are you both to blame for him not telling you about his bisexuality? Seriously? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 How are you both to blame for him not telling you about his bisexuality? Seriously? No he was to blame for that. She's saying that I have an issue of my own that I brought into the relationship. All in all she's looking at the whole thing, how to help the relationship evolve even if what's done is done. How to accept certain things and move past them as well as look at ourselves and what we each bring into the relationship Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Yeah, to be honest, I fail to see his belated coming out as smth of massive and utterly unforgivable proportions. Like I said, he should have said it earlier, but it is not like cheating or hiding a secret spouse/child etc. If he acknowledges and repents/shows that he really understands that he should've spoken about it early on, then there should be a chance for you two. For me, it is not nearly as horrible as it seems for some other people here, but then everyone is different. It also depends how it might be tied to those other issues you've been discussing with the counselor. Hopefully, you can solve it. Listen to you intuition, do what feels right for you, and best of luck! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Yeah, to be honest, I fail to see his belated coming out as smth of massive and utterly unforgivable proportions. Like I said, he should have said it earlier, but it is not like cheating or hiding a secret spouse/child etc. If he acknowledges and repents/shows that he really understands that he should've spoken about it early on, then there should be a chance for you two. For me, it is not nearly as horrible as it seems for some other people here, but then everyone is different. It also depends how it might be tied to those other issues you've been discussing with the counselor. Hopefully, you can solve it. Listen to you intuition, do what feels right for you, and best of luck! We all have our own dealbreakers. You can accept the "coming out" of your brother or your friend, but when the man you are considering to say "I Do" with "comes out", that is a game changer. This is the most intimate relationship you will have in your life! If he spoke about it early on - its not "if he told her in the beginning, he would have had a chance" - she very well could have told him that she didn't want to continue the relationship because it was a dealbreaker for her. There is no amount of repentance, as you advise, that can really fix this because the fact of his bisexuality is still there. While she may be able to move on one day from him not telling her, she cannot move on from the idea that she is dating/engaged to a bisexual man because its a fact and she is allowed to assess that fact regardless and separate from whether he lied or not, like she should have had the opportunity to when they first started dating. Now instead of deciding if she is up for it or not when she meets him as a new guy, she probably is conflicted extremely to come off as "the cool girlfriend who is so open minded" vs following what she is actually comfortable with in the closest relationship that she will have in her life. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 We all have our own dealbreakers. You can accept the "coming out" of your brother or your friend, but when the man you are considering to say "I Do" with "comes out", that is a game changer. This is the most intimate relationship you will have in your life! If he spoke about it early on - its not "if he told her in the beginning, he would have had a chance" - she very well could have told him that she didn't want to continue the relationship because it was a dealbreaker for her. There is no amount of repentance, as you advise, that can really fix this because the fact of his bisexuality is still there. While she may be able to move on one day from him not telling her, she cannot move on from the idea that she is dating/engaged to a bisexual man because its a fact and she is allowed to assess that fact regardless and separate from whether he lied or not, like she should have had the opportunity to when they first started dating. Now instead of deciding if she is up for it or not when she meets him as a new guy, she probably is conflicted extremely to come off as "the cool girlfriend who is so open minded" vs following what she is actually comfortable with in the closest relationship that she will have in her life. Like I said before it's more of if I can feel enough in the future. Later on if he was heterosexual I would worry he would leave me for another woman with other sexual desires different then mine. But I can try to compete with that. But if he were to have desires for a male touch, I can't compete. ... it's all about people having different t needs later on. And the fact that he hid it for three years doesn't help me feel like he's going to be open about it in the future Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Like I said before it's more of if I can feel enough in the future. Later on if he was heterosexual I would worry he would leave me for another woman with other sexual desires different then mine. But I can try to compete with that. But if he were to have desires for a male touch, I can't compete. ... it's all about people having different t needs later on. And the fact that he hid it for three years doesn't help me feel like he's going to be open about it in the future But the thing is - he is not heterosexual later on. he is a bisexual who is selecting to be with a woman. he doesn't become straight. You have to decide if you accept that he is choosing you and have no doubt he will always be content with you and not have wished he had an experience with a man, or if you hold the belief that he regrets not having a larger sexual experience with a man. There is a poster here who is bisexual, but whose spouse does not know and they only love their spouse and are not interested in having a relationship with someone of the same gender because they love only one, but there are also posters here who are bisexual and say they love their spouse, but long for an experience with their own gender (ie, never tired it or miss it) and consider leaving their spouse, ask how to broach the subject of a threesome or asking permission for a one time experience, etc in order to stay married. So it can truly go either way. I recommend that you go to personal counseling for this issue with your guy not present - to someone other than your joint marriage counselor. I also recommend that you don't rush into a marriage date - that you don't have a deadline to decide this and that you decide in your OWN time, not up against a date or a deadline. To me the other factor is - if he was attracted to men and was absolutely certain you were the one and he could commit to you for life - he would either have said nothing about it to you, or would have disclosed early for you to make the choice. But to me, this late confession would make me wonder if he said something because he feared the guy he was dating in the past would cross paths with you or it somehow would come out eventually. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 But the thing is - he is not heterosexual later on. he is a bisexual who is selecting to be with a woman. he doesn't become straight. You have to decide if you accept that he is choosing you and have no doubt he will always be content with you and not have wished he had an experience with a man, or if you hold the belief that he regrets not having a larger sexual experience with a man. There is a poster here who is bisexual, but whose spouse does not know and they only love their spouse and are not interested in having a relationship with someone of the same gender because they love only one, but there are also posters here who are bisexual and say they love their spouse, but long for an experience with their own gender (ie, never tired it or miss it) and consider leaving their spouse, ask how to broach the subject of a threesome or asking permission for a one time experience, etc in order to stay married. So it can truly go either way. I recommend that you go to personal counseling for this issue with your guy not present - to someone other than your joint marriage counselor. I also recommend that you don't rush into a marriage date - that you don't have a deadline to decide this and that you decide in your OWN time, not up against a date or a deadline. To me the other factor is - if he was attracted to men and was absolutely certain you were the one and he could commit to you for life - he would either have said nothing about it to you, or would have disclosed early for you to make the choice. But to me, this late confession would make me wonder if he said something because he feared the guy he was dating in the past would cross paths with you or it somehow would come out eventually. The couples councillor advised the same thing : to see myself my own coucillor. She thinks it would prevent certain things Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 The couples councillor advised the same thing : to see myself my own coucillor. She thinks it would prevent certain things Yes. The counselor needs to be unbiased. Your couples counselor might not focus on what is best for you - but rather what compromise is needed to stay in the relationship. It would also prevent the counselor from mentioning details in joint session accidentally that you did not want yet mentioned from your personal session. That is a smart move. Above all, whatever you decide to do, I still encourage you to postpone solid marriage plans if you did get engaged, or postpone engagement if you are not. The pressure of wedding plans, etc, sometimes influences us to hurry up and deal with something that can't be hurried, doing it slapdash, etc. and we either stay with someone we shouldn't and divorce later or just carry something into the relationship that should have not festered. heck if i were in your shoes, I would be out the door - but everyone is different. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 One more thing, don't go to a counselor with the hopes that the sessions will make you unfeel what you feel, but rather to have a sounding board and perspective. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 No marriage won't be even mentioned. And if we end up still together I told him it's not on the table for at least another two years. She's not going to council me individually but she suggested someone to me. So yeah. When it rains it pours eh. It's funny. Link to comment
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