mhowe Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Ahhh.. Because he knew it would freak out the average human. How you turned this into you being manipulative is beyond me. He didn't "accidently" forget to tell you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I agree on that. And that's not easy for me to accept he did that. But when he tells me he didn't think it mattered, bringing back a lot of moments where I said it was fine. He's always been there for me and me for him. He's never given up on me when I have my moments and I'm always there to help him out. He always misjudge situations. And like I said doesn't see further than his nose. This frustrates me because I sound like a guilty manipulated girlfriend... I can't believe it would be possible he would hide it from me purposely... even then if he did how would it make sense? Why would he hide it in the first place?? He hid it because he knew you would run. I'm glad you found out though so that now you have a chance to leave. Listen, I'm as pro-gay as they come. I have gay and bi friends, I was happy when they legalized gay marriage in the states..... I just don't want to be married to a guy who is into penis. I think that's fair. it's ok for you to feel that way too. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Ahhh.. Because he knew it would freak out the average human. How you turned this into you being manipulative is beyond me. He didn't "accidently" forget to tell you. No I meant you think I was being manipulated. Honestly I really don't think so. He might make a lot of mistakes but he has his heart on his sleeve. Hiding something intentionally... is just nearly impossible. And he's never been ashamed of what he thinks or if society accepts whatever he thinks Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 but he DID hide something intentionally!!!!!! Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 but he DID hide something intentionally!!!!!! He told me he thought it didn't matter and when he wanted to propose that he wanted to do a whole week where we just talked about ourselves and how great we are together. Either he seriously didn't think it through Or He did hide it because he was afraid of ... maybe me talking about to my parents, because I would not be shy about it. And having my familly turn against him? But either way, knowing him I can't possibly see him having bad intentions towards me When I ask his answer remains the same But... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Stop drinking the koolaid. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Stop drinking the koolaid. i know, seriously. I dated a guy who was bi and he told me like on the 3rd date or so.... because it's a big deal and he thought I should know. I'm glad that he gave me the choice to date a bi man rather than lying about it for 3 years. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 He hid it because he knew you would run. I'm glad you found out though so that now you have a chance to leave. Listen, I'm as pro-gay as they come. I have gay and bi friends, I was happy when they legalized gay marriage in the states..... I just don't want to be married to a guy who is into penis. I think that's fair. it's ok for you to feel that way too. He knows I wouldn't. And I don't run away from people because their preference doesn't suit mine Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 He knows I wouldn't. And I don't run away from people because their preference doesn't suit mine What does this mean? That you'll continue to support him as a friend, or you will continue the relationship with him? Look, I understand that this has been a huge shock - he's dropped this really big news on you and I know you're hoping it's the best case scenario. But what if it's not? Can he, as a bi man, commit to 1 woman, and no man for the rest of his life?? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 What does this mean? That you'll continue to support him as a friend, or you will continue the relationship with him? Look, I understand that this has been a huge shock - he's dropped this really big news on you and I know you're hoping it's the best case scenario. But what if it's not? Can he, as a bi man, commit to 1 woman, and no man for the rest of his life?? I'll support him, if we're together or just friends. Just like he supported me threw so much. The thing is, he seems to at peace with it. And yeah I'm worried about him wondering about something I can't fufil and I know the hell I'm going to get from my own familly. But it's would be like marrying a man who is straight... whose to say in a couple of years he won't get into some freaky stuff that I'm not into that some other woman can fulfill It's the same question as what if as a woman I can't fulfill his desire for a man one day. Either way, it's bad. I want to make it clear to him if we're going to be together for a while, faithfulness is unquestionable and a deal breaker. He's never been unfaithful with me so far. He's agreed to come to council with me and to take it seriously. He said it doesn't matter what it takes to put my mind at ease. Honestly I'm still a little scared, especially on the not being enough. But if he can prove it's all in my head... Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Just basing off what I would feel, I would wonder if a conversation like this would be him telling me he would still want to pursue that bisexuality and what it means for the relationship. Because otherwise I can't really understand why he brought it up, or brought it up as "I am bisexual" and not "I was bisexual." And maybe it's not that it's the bisexuality so much as it is the way he may have put it might spell future infidelity? That's what would bother me in the scenario you describe, because while I do not care what someone's preferences were or are, if they are entering or in a monogamous committed relationship with me they are not going to be sleeping with anyone else, man or woman or alien for that matter, unless they want to end our relationship. And I think maybe that's what you need to talk to him about and take a look at. Whether he's bisexual or not does he understand that being in a committed relationship with you means he does not get with men OR women, period. And is he willing to end that part of himself as long as you two are together? Maybe sit him down and talk that all out. If he's as great a guy as you say chances are good you two can come to an agreement on this. He may have felt he just needed to get that off his chest or not withhold that information, but it's just a bit odd. If you're in a committed relationship does it matter if you find boys or girls or both or neither attractive? Shouldn't it just be that you're with the person you're with regardless and you're either committed and together and monogamous or both mutually agreeing to another arrangement? And if I'm miscalled it then forgive me, but that's what I think you may want to discuss with him. And hopefully it can all be sorted out from there, but talk to him first. Link to comment
saluk Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Definitely take marriage off the table. The question right now isn't can you get married. The question is can you stay together. Nothing has really changed - and yet everything has at the same time. Because you had one idea of who he was in your mind, and it's now shattered. Someone's sexuality is an important thing about a person. And it's important for couples to know each others sexuality. For him to announce it this way, is a bit different than if he had said "oh I experimented with a guy once" when playing truth or dare. In fact, he never even experimented by his own admission with homosexual activity. Still, I think your insecurities about whether he will stray or whether you will be able to satisfy him are a little off base. By focusing the conversation with him on those issues, it feels to him like you are sentencing him for a crime he has yet to commit. It's not the same as someone saying that they have cheated before, but they've changed and will never cheat on you. He is just saying that he can be turned on by either sex. I think it's easy to jump to those feelings and get that those are your worst fears at this time. That all gets wrapped up in fears of marriage that you ALREADY have. So that's not helping. I think if you take marriage off the table you may be able to get used to the idea that his sexuality alone is not a reason to not trust him to stay faithful. But that it is the time that he had not revealed his sexuality that has damaged your trust. And you can talk to him about the real issue, that you do not see him as quite the same person anymore, because you had a version of him in your mind that is different than the real person. That you will need time and counseling to get used to that change. And that you appreciate that for him, he is still the same person. And that you have appreciated all the ways he has been there for you in the past. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 His timing is terrible too, I have a lot on my plate lately, from dieing familly members to familly with money problems to close friends with depression and a lot more hours at work in a career I no longer want. He said he thought he would propose on our anniversary and have a romantic week to cheer me up... Now we have to deal with losing a deposit he made on a chalet for valentine's day and my parents ; who he told he was going to propose to me. Who have been waiting for me to be an extreme married Christian mother since I was 20. At least he got us our first meeting with a councilor for Wensday. This is going to be one hell of a month. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Based on what you said about marriage in general, would you have said yes if he asked you and you didn't know all this? Was he the man you wanted to marry? Because i have a feeling the answer might be no anyways, based on what you said. So in that case i don't see the relationship survive, You have a lot of thinking to do And btw I'm sorry for everything you're going through! Edit, i think it's pretty weird that he told your parents about the proposal when he knew very well what he was going to tell you, he shouldn't have gotten their hopes up and that feels a bit manipulative to me, like you couldn't say no now because your parents already knew Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I don't really believe in marriage I think it puts an unrealistic strain on people. It seems a lot of show for something that's supposed to be intimate. But I think with the right partner, it wouldn't matter. The question is either ways if I regret in the long run staying with him, married or not. And as for my parents, they've always been very : we are white Christians who want our daughter to be a Christian mother of white children who never heard of the words : homosexuals. And honestly, it was a big thing for me to get over because it seemed that as long as I was open minded my parents wouldn't like me. After being the only child not married among my cousins, mind you I am ONLY 26, my parents started nagging me a lot on the marriage topic. Even asking me if I was gay. Because unmarried white women in their 20s are gay to them. And I was quietly excluded from events like familly dinners and new years eve parties with the familly Until I started living with James. OUPS a guy who might marry me and I eventually got invited again. He doesn't like my familly but still goes hunting with my father and my cousins because it buys us peace. So I'm guessing he probably told them because of the argument we had last month about grand kids... we hadn't talked since then. And when he told them he was gonna propose, my mom called me to talk about how work was going on the same day. It's pretty obvious she was happy about the situation. He said he wants me to be close to my familly... as long as he doesn't have to come along every time. Haha. I'm not making any decision until we see someone. Honestly, I'm being kind of cold and he's depressed. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 He told me he thought it didn't matter and when he wanted to propose that he wanted to do a whole week where we just talked about ourselves and how great we are together. Either he seriously didn't think it through Or He did hide it because he was afraid of ... maybe me talking about to my parents, because I would not be shy about it. And having my familly turn against him? But either way, knowing him I can't possibly see him having bad intentions towards me When I ask his answer remains the same But... Why would ever consider sharing this personal information with your parents?? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Why would ever consider sharing this personal information with your parents?? Technically I'm pretty sure I'll never have to. But if ever something comes up, because I don't believe in pretending things dpnt exist. I would like to be able to defend my point of view. As in if ever they pull out the : bisexual people are the same as gays which means their always at clubs sleeping with everyone ( and this they have said this) I can shout out : James is bisexual and he has never even entered a club! To prove my point. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 We all have sexual preferences but it's an intimate thing you share with your partner not your parents. . Just my personal opinion. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 We all have sexual preferences but it's an intimate thing you share with your partner not your parents. . Just my personal opinion. I agree with you on that. But the thought of all the times they have put down different preferences then theirs... just upsets me to the point I feel I need to defend different types of people. I love my parents but I don't think it's fair they constantly shame other people for being different from them. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 They aren't shaming anyone...they are simply displaying their ignorance. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 They aren't shaming anyone...they are simply displaying their ignorance. I suppose... I just never got over the time I brought my gay friend from work into our house back in highschool the first thing they said was : get out. And then told me I shouldn't hang out with people with such issues. That's why I'm irritated when they bring anything up. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 They sound charming. They aren't going to all of a sudden become tolerant. So if marrying James so you can "show them" is your plan, it is likely going to get you disowned. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 They sound charming. They aren't going to all of a sudden become tolerant. So if marrying James so you can "show them" is your plan, it is likely going to get you disowned. Oh it will. I know it will. But more likely go back to the time I didn't have a boyfriend and they thought I was gay : just be ashamed of me and not invite me. I'm not getting it on with James because to show them, ha I didn't even know he was bisexual.... But I do think a lot of all the time we sat down at dinner with my parents and they went on and on about how people are under pressure from society so they lose their minds and become gay and thay bisexuals are sexual fiends. I mean he sat threw that. I feel kind of ashamed. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 No need to feel ashamed that your parents are intolerant and your boyfriend is in the closet. Neither is your issue. As he sat there and listened...remember, he knew he was bisexual. So he knows how they feel. And yet he told them he was going to propose. Rather two faced of him, as I guess he didn't mention his bisexuality to them. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 No need to feel ashamed that your parents are intolerant and hour boyfriend is in the closet. Neither is your issue. Yeah technically he's not in the closet and according to him was never. But yeah Link to comment
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