mhowe Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Well...since he didn't tell you for 3 years...yes. He was in the closet. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Well...since he didn't tell you for 3 years...yes. He was in the closet. Ha. Sample place where I found the ring he was going to propose with Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Bizarre situation indeed . And what if (after getting married ) has the "need" to "discover" more his sexuality and break up with you? Personally i couldn't stay with a bisexual woman but it depends on the individual . If you feel this way already, imagine in a year or two . Why would he need to "discover" more and break up? No, no, come on! If he were completely hetero, you wouldn't worry that he will break up because he needs to "discover" some more other women, would you? So, why would you worry he'd need to discover more men? You were not worried that you were "not enough" when you thought he was straight, so similarly there is no reason to worry now. Orientation doesn't matter at all as long as he IS attracted to women as well (of which you are one). It's not like "the competition increased" or anything. The "competition" with a hetero case is still around 3-4 billion people, and it's not like you were worried back then. The important thing is he loves YOU, he is with YOU. The fact that he is bisexual means that he is CAPABLE of being attracted to either gender, but still of all the people he chose YOU. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Rather two faced of him, as I guess he didn't mention his bisexuality to them. I don't know if you've ever been gay bashed mhowe, but as an experience it's really not one I recommend. People don't talk about not being straight because of people like this. It's called survival instinct. Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Does that mean he may think a guy is cute from time to time but wouldn't actually act on it? Or does that mean he will want to hook up with a guy from time to time and won't find out as appealing? . I think it means he'd treat a cute guy the same exact way as he'd treat a cute woman: he's committed to you and would not go for someone else. Gender doesn't change anything at all. If he loves you and wouldn't cheat on you or get an "additional satisfaction" with another woman, he wouldn't do that with another man, either. If for any reason he decides to cheat, it won't matter what that person's gender is. Doesn't matter at all, and shouldn't take away from your feeling of security! Link to comment
Waraqqa Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 The thing is, I know now, that I do not want to experiment and there is the problem : should I really make myself do something like last time, that I really didn't enjoy so he could do it? Maybe yes? But will I feel like last time? Will I want to bury it and try to never mention it again like last time? Would he want to try again after that? I'm not sure I understand: why on Earth do you think he will somehow want you to experiment? Why should your sex life change at all?? If he'll be committed to you as he has before, this shouldn't change simply because of orientation. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'm not sure I understand: why on Earth do you think he will somehow want you to experiment? Why should your sex life change at all?? If he'll be committed to you as he has before, this shouldn't change simply because of orientation. Maybe because he hasn't gone all the way with a guy and one day might want to try what's thay like? The issue is that now no he doesn't want to do anything and certainly not share. But there's always the : people change over the years. And if he were heterosexual; it would sound more like that too : what if he wants to try new things and I don't and then he will eventually. The difference is I feel like I can compete with what another woman can offer. But I can compete with what a man can offer. We don't have the same body parts. And I'm not a fan of anything with toys. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'm not sure I understand: why on Earth do you think he will somehow want you to experiment? Why should your sex life change at all?? If he'll be committed to you as he has before, this shouldn't change simply because of orientation. Because Its all about trust. She's trusting him to be completely committed to her as much as she trust that he should have disclosed his sexual orientation when they first started dating. Not 3 years later. Hard to trust one thing without the other. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 His past three years was based on a lie of omission . What else has he decided not to tell her? Link to comment
saluk Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 How early did he meet your parents and get to know how they were? It may be a significant factor in him not revealing this for so long. Not that it excuses it, and certainly doesn't excuse his lack of understanding for how you have reacted, but it may help explain it if he found that out fairly early on. Yes, your fear that he will want to experiment later on is probably based on the shattered trust you are experiencing rather than being directly about the sexuality. I mean, a straight person may change later and want to experiment with other women. It happens. A lot. I don't see a difference between a straight person cheating and a bisexual person cheating. Being monogamous means no more experimenting with other people. It's the sacrifice all monogamous people make, and it's something that all couples have to learn to trust each other on. I guess it might make boundary management a little harder. We do often have threads about "he is spending a lot of time alone with this girl, is anything going on?" In this case I would be concerned if he spent too much time alone with someone of either sex. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 How early did he meet your parents and get to know how they were? It may be a significant factor in him not revealing this for so long. Not that it excuses it, and certainly doesn't excuse his lack of understanding for how you have reacted, but it may help explain it if he found that out fairly early on. Yes, your fear that he will want to experiment later on is probably based on the shattered trust you are experiencing rather than being directly about the sexuality. I mean, a straight person may change later and want to experiment with other women. It happens. A lot. I don't see a difference between a straight person cheating and a bisexual person cheating. Being monogamous means no more experimenting with other people. It's the sacrifice all monogamous people make, and it's something that all couples have to learn to trust each other on. I guess it might make boundary management a little harder. We do often have threads about "he is spending a lot of time alone with this girl, is anything going on?" In this case I would be concerned if he spent too much time alone with someone of either sex. That last paragraph is really true... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Worrying about his sexuality in terms of his ability to cheat is just camoflague for the real issue --- which is how can you trust a man who lied/omitted telling you his sexual orientation for 3 years? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Worrying about his sexuality in terms of his ability to cheat is just camoflague for the real issue --- which is how can you trust a man who lied/omitted telling you his sexual orientation for 3 years? I would have felt a little stressed out but the keeping it from me made it worse. Point is either way I would have been stressed Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would have felt a little stressed out but the keeping it from me made it worse. Point is either way I would have been stressed Sounds a lot like I have trust issues Link to comment
sunnz Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 He will have cravings and will either leave you to try or do it while still with you, that is the two options there, and it is not the same as someone heterosexual, due to the fact being with a girl or guy are two different experiences. He might be monogamous but eventually those cravings will manifest down the road. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 He will have cravings and will either leave you to try or do it while still with you, that is the two options there, and it is not the same as someone heterosexual, due to the fact being with a girl or guy are two different experiences. He might be monogamous but eventually those cravings will manifest down the road. But that doesn't mean he has desires he will act out on it? I find a co worker really hot but that doesn't mean I will try to be unfaithful. Sometimes I want to try things that I know I shouldn't and for good reasons so I don't. So as long as my partner loves me doesn't that mean there is a good chance he will stay faithful? And not do a stupid thing like just leaving someone you love just to try having sex with someone else. Then again people change over the years.... Link to comment
Wayfara Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Some bisexuals are monogamous, some are not, like straight people, many straight people into swinging, open realtionships and wanting variation too. Some bisexuals have cravings for both penis and vagina, forced to pick one they might feel they are missing out. Other bisexuals are more interested in the person, the energy they exudes, the package, not the equipment downstairs. I count myself to the later kind of bisexual, with the right chemistry gender doesn't really matter, when I'm into someone it makes the body parts they have sexy. I remember that my girlfriend, who is a lesbian, asked me before we got together if I wouldn't regret not having had sex with a man, me being bisexual. When we broke up (got back together later) I tought I should to try it but couldn't go through with it. Bisexuals are often told to sample sex from both genders to figure out what they like the best but the desire to explore must come from within, I need to have feelings in order to have sex, and when I have feelings I want a monogamous relationship lol Anyway I think your boyfriend should have told you earlier about his orientation, some people don't want to date bisexuals and he should have given you that choice, we all have right to our preferences when it comes to choosing a partner. But it's possible he didn't think it was a big deal, some define themselves with their sexual oriention while others hardly give it a thought when they are not single and looking. I think you should ask him about your worries. Does he have urges to be with some with male body parts? Is he hoping for a open relationship? Or is he just flexible about which gender the person he falls in love with has? About not feeling ready to get engaged, do you ever want to get married or just not with him? Are you in love? Do you have a good relationship? Has he broken your trust in other ways? Link to comment
saluk Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 You can't base your life around how someone might change in the future. If he has been monogamous until now, in yours and his prior relationships, there is no evidence that he will stray in the way that you are afraid he will. The issue really is why he has kept it from you, and whether he is attentive and understanding of how you are reacting now. If you are going to talk about the possibility that he will cheat on you in the future, then you put him in an impossible position. He's NEVER going to be able to tell you something to convince you of that. By focusing on the question of him maybe cheating on you in the future, that's when it becomes more about your trust issues, and less about his actual behavior. When you talk with him, talk about greater problems. He didn't keep it from you because it's not a big deal to him. He told you right before he proposed because he knows it IS a big deal. He may have kept it from you because he was afraid of your parents, but that's still pretty bad. For someone to lie to the person they love in order to get what they want is poor character. But I can understand it. If he got to know how hard your parents are on the issue of sexuality after a few months, perhaps a little early to be discussing his sexual history, but also after already developing feelings for you, I can see the difficult position that he might have been in. But it's pretty contorted logic to get there. I just had another thought, it could be possible that this has been weighing on him for a long time, and that he came up with the proposal as a way to soften the blow. You are right to distrust him for the lie, because in that way he has already broken your trust. Again, the sexuality itself is a bit of a distraction. Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 We had this huge argument about the why not telling me in three years tonight. He's lost his patience with our not talking and I warned him I didn't want to get into the subject. But he couldn't wait for tomorrow. He should have. Anyway it goes like this : he didn't figure out our relationship was important at first because he was from England and didn't expect to actually stay. But then we got serious and he wanted to casually mention it but through everything it was a small subject according to him. And then it became later on in the relationship and he, himself said he had even forgotten that he should have told me because he saw how open minded I was and that I probably wouldn't make a big deal out it. And finally since he decided to propose, he thought well why not say it now since were having this " we are so perfect together week" leading to the day he wanted to propose. Because his bisexuality and my open mind make such a great couple. He said if he could turn back time he would tell me as soon as he met me if he had known it would be something major to me. He asked me to forgive him and I didn't answer. So then he asked me to pretend it never happened and I got mad and then he asked me to forgive him for saying that. I have no idea what the hell to think or feel or do. And I told him that and he got upset and for the first time in three years I saw him shed tears. I don't know So now I'm in the kitchen eating an orange. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He's full of crap. Here's a thought...does he need to marry to remain in the country? Isn't his visa about to expire? Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Ah yeah no, he's getting his own citizenship in July actually... he's been here for 5 Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He sis not "forget" to tell you. Honestly, I have never seen a more manipulative person on this forum. He takes the cake with his justifications and excuses for his OUTRIGHT DECEIT Link to comment
Venny2900 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I understand if you think that but knowing him "manipulative" doesn't really fit him. It might seem like its not true. And I honestly don't know. But he would never be... able to manipulate. He doesn't have the mind for it... He might be using the wrong words to say what he means, he does that a lot... and i would replace "forgot" with repress, or deny. But to the point where he would maliciously manipulate me to later cheat on me or god knows what? I highly doubt it Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Both of you are in such deep denial of the truth it is mind boggling. He is deceitful. He did not repress, deny nor forget accidentally. He withheld information from you on purpose. Link to comment
saluk Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 As hard as that conversation sounds like it was, I think it was perhaps starting to be productive. Reading the subtext rather than how he wants it to sound, he didn't tell you because the relationship was not important to him. Later when it was, he wanted to bring it up... but it had already been too long making revealing something like that more challenging than he realized. No, he didn't hide it because it was small. That is a contradiction in his story. He hid it because it was big. It will take more hard conversations to get through this, whether you decide you can stay with him or not. Hang in there, I hope you can figure things out how you need to, whatever the result. Link to comment
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