Is it too soon?

[Nervousone]

I know I have posted here about not quite being ready to start dating. I have been looking at profiles online and I have never used an online dating site before. So my curiosity got the best of me and I opened up an account and within minutes I started getting responses from gentlemen. I started talking to this one guy in particular and he ended up giving me his telephone number to text him. So we text each other amd it was all innocent talking. At the end of the conversation that I have to get up early and I was going to go to sleep. The last thing he said to me, "Before you go to sleep send me picture of a whole body shot." I provided recent pictures in my profile so I got the impression that this guy is just looking for a hookup.

 

My ex and I have been broken up for about 1 year. It ended because I had a nervous breakdown. I was not thinking in reality. I thought that I was being followed. When I got on medication I started thinking in reality once again. I am no longer on medication and the doctor says it was a one time event. Even though we broke up a year ago, it definitely feels less than a year because my mind was thinking straight. Coming out of my nervous breakdown feels like coming out of coma and my life flipped upside down. My ex and I still communicate everyday and he has moved on to some other girl. For the most part, my ex isolated me from people, chased away friends. I was friends with his sisters and his mom really adored me. About two weeks ago. my ex states that it is not healthy that I am not doing anything and that it is not like me to be sitting at home all day. So he invited me to stay at his house and get out of town. So, I went. His mom just kept telling me that she loved me. The whole time he was texting his girlfriend. He reminded me that we were not getting back together. When I was there, the house was so jam packed with people that his mom and asked us to share a room and my ex and I shared a bed together. My ex asked me to rub his back like I used too. I was hesitant at first and he said to me are you already over it. So i rubbed his back. My ex has made it clear to me that he doesnt want to get back together with me.

 

 

I told the guy, I am getting ready for bed. I have no makeup on. I did not feel comfortable at that moment to take a picture of a whole body shot when I am wearing sweats. He said that I was pretty and didnt need it and he wanted a body shot. I just kind of didnt respond and went to sleep. I woke this morning feeling super guilty like I cheated on my ex. A part of me signed up for the page because I was thinking my ex is talking to someone why can't I talk to someone. I just felt completely guilty this morning plus its been 7 years since I have talked to anyone and to be honest before I met my ex I was single for 5 years so its really been about 12 years since I have actually dated anyone

[Andrina]

Cut all contact with your ex. You cannot be forever friends with him. Your future bf won't appreciate staying in daily contact with an ex, and your friendship with him is preventing you from moving on. Explain to him why you can't speak to him anymore. If he truly cares about you, he'll abide by your wishes. If he doesn't care and likes the ego boost of you paying attention to him and keeps calling, block his number or change your phone number.

 

I don't think you're ready for online dating. I'd try the less stressful meetups.com

Put in your geographic location and lots of activity groups should pop up in your area, some for singles in your age group. Good luck.

[Gloworm]

OMG, I have the same exact problem! Online guys just want a whole body shot as soon as you start talking!!! I already have a body shot in my profile even if its somewhat old. Im not big or anything.

[ManyDates]

Cut all contact with your ex. You cannot be forever friends with him. Your future bf won't appreciate staying in daily contact with an ex, and your friendship with him is preventing you from moving on. Explain to him why you can't speak to him anymore. If he truly cares about you, he'll abide by your wishes. If he doesn't care and likes the ego boost of you paying attention to him and keeps calling, block his number or change your phone number.

 

I don't think you're ready for online dating. I'd try the less stressful meetups.com

Put in your geographic location and lots of activity groups should pop up in your area, some for singles in your age group. Good luck.

 

Agreed ^ Daily contact and then going over, and sharing a bed...after a YEAR??? smh....

[James516]

And to chime in about the online part - you sound very new and therefore naive to that world. A lot of the people on there are frauds or pervs especially when they see a new profile. Be cautious and don't cater to anyone. My opinion is that it is too soon for you to be trying the online thing.

[Nervousone]

I do need to break it off with ex. I know that I have to if I want to move forward. Its just so hard. Because my ex does feed me false hope. If I tell him me and male coworker had a decent conversation he starts to make jealous remarks.

 

Thats what I thought about the online thing. In the last 12 years the whole dating world has definitely changed. 2003 was a different year. I dont even have facebook account. I have always met people in person. Earlier this morning I was trying to delete my profile but they said my profile had to be activated for 24 hours before I can remove my profile.

[ParisPaulette]

For starters you need to break it off with the ex. Full NC all the way as in "We are done, I never want to hear from you again." Then blocking and deleting and refusing all communication from him from here to the end of time. I suspect he's at least part of the reason you had a nervous breakdown in the first place. And now he's using you while seeing other women. Guy wants a harem, why are you willing to put up with that? You need to dump him out of your life and not be trying to drag other people into a messed up triangle you haven't even gotten free of yet.

 

And as to the other clown wanting pics of your body, tell him to go get stuffed and block and delete him. He's after sex too. A decent guy who wants to get to know you starts out by taking you out on a date, not wanting wank-off pics. Come on.

 

Look, you want the guy who is interested in you, knows how to be faithful, isn't playing head games. You need to start by carving all toxic people out of your life and keeping it that way. And when you're in a better headspace and have a good life, some self-esteem, and some boundaries in place then you start dating. And you maintain those boundaries until someone who knows how to respect them comes along.

 

And I say all this, because I've kind of been where you were once upon a time. Really, it starts first by getting rid of anyone toxic, like your ex, not letting new toxic people in like some clown wanting body pics before you two have even met in person, and it takes you feeling good enough about yourself that when someone like these guys comes along you can say, "You know what? I don't have to put up with this crap, get lost."

[lostandhurt]

Yes delete or hide your account as soon as possible. Then total NC on your ex and his family is a must for your own sake.

 

After all that is done come back here and ask advice on online dating. You will hear horror stories from both men and women and a lot of lessons learned that you can use to make sure you don't get burned, stalked or jerked around. Also don't give out your number so easily, things have changed as you say so you need to be more cautious.

 

There are good guys online looking for someone like you but there are just as many if not more of guys trying to get laid, get pics or trying to be players. You need some help to spot them is all until you get the hang of it yourself.

 

Lost

[Hollyj]

I do need to break it off with ex. I know that I have to if I want to move forward. Its just so hard. Because my ex does feed me false hope. If I tell him me and male coworker had a decent conversation he starts to make jealous remarks.

 

Thats what I thought about the online thing. In the last 12 years the whole dating world has definitely changed. 2003 was a different year. I dont even have facebook account. I have always met people in person. Earlier this morning I was trying to delete my profile but they said my profile had to be activated for 24 hours before I can remove my profile.

 

He doesn't want you, but he also doesn't want anyone to want you.

 

You are doing yourself great harm by staying in contact. Plus, he has a gf. Does she know that you stayed at his house and slept in his bed? You need to cut all contact with this guy.

 

The online guy is a creep. Please get off line and continue to seek therapy. You need to get into a better space where you are not so reliant on men for attention.

 

it would also be good for you to get into the world and make new friends: Volunteering, Meet ups, classes, whatever. it's time to do something with your life.

[Nervousone]

Thank you all for responding. Yeah he played a huge part into the nervous breakdown but I was also being stalked by my boss. I've been through a lot of crap. It was a combination of things. My ex was abusive in all forms. My therapy ended in November.

 

I think I am not ready to start dating yet. I am definitely going to stay away from online dating. It honestly feels a little overwhelming. I think maybe I need to start taking this time and enjoying the peacefulness of things.

 

I really do like coming here and helping people who might be going through something similar I have been through. I will take some time to read some of the posts people have made about online dating.

[Sportster2005]

I do need to break it off with ex. I know that I have to if I want to move forward. Its just so hard. Because my ex does feed me false hope. If I tell him me and male coworker had a decent conversation he starts to make jealous remarks.

 

Thats what I thought about the online thing. In the last 12 years the whole dating world has definitely changed. 2003 was a different year. I dont even have facebook account. I have always met people in person. Earlier this morning I was trying to delete my profile but they said my profile had to be activated for 24 hours before I can remove my profile.

 

Please try your hardest to break all contact with the ex. I think that is the best, kindest thing you can do for yourself right now.

 

You are not obligated to be nice to men that cross boundaries and make unreasonable requests of you. Be vigilant and ruthless when it comes to looking after yourself.

[Hollyj]

Can I ask why you still interact with this guy if he was abusive, and has a girlfriend?

[Nervousone]

Can I ask why you still interact with this guy if he was abusive, and has a girlfriend?

 

 

Abusive relationships are hard to get out of and a lot of times people leave because they are ready to get out of it. I ran away because I was paranoid and thought people were out to get me. When I got the help I needed it felt like waking out of coma. It was like waking up from a bad dream and waking up to what is going. My ex said that when I was talking to him there were times I didnt make sense. Going through that reminds of the movie cast away. Where he was on an island and when he got off everything was different. His girlfriend moved on, etc. Thats what it feels like. My neevous breakdown was the island.

 

To be honest, I know this sounds bad but we had our good times and was not all bad. I still talk to him because I was not going to leave if not for the breakdown. I feel bitter over my breakdown because I also lost a good job, picked up and moved. I feel very upset with life right now. I know my ex was absuive but I was just living my life and now part of me wants to pick up the pieces that fell apart.

 

Being out of the relationship I do tend focus on the good times. When I think about him with his new girlfriend I start to get upset and think about the abuse. I remember his neices and nephews came to my defense and told him to back off of me when he was acting up. Because I feel like I am trying pieces and he does tell me he doesnt want to get back together but he does give me some hope. Because of the breakdown everything feels unfinished with no closure. We were together for 7 years.

[boltnrun]

What does your therapist say about you continuing to have a relationship with the man who abused you?

[Nervousone]

What does your therapist say about you continuing to have a relationship with the man who abused you?

 

I remember my therapist asked me if not for the breakdown would I have left and the answer was honestly no. I was getting christian counseling. I was told that sometimes when things are not good for us like an abusive relationship and we are not making changes sometimes the universe or higher power will clear it out for us so that we can be better. I know that I do not need to be talking to him

[boltnrun]

Well, that's a fine way to deflect responsibility for your own life and your own actions.

 

No, the "universe" will not get you away from the abuser who cheats on his current girlfriend with you. (And yes, having you sleep in his bed with him and getting you to "rub his back" IS cheating).

 

Only YOU can get yourself away from him.

[Nervousone]

Well, that's a fine way to deflect responsibility for your own life and your own actions.

 

No, the "universe" will not get you away from the abuser who cheats on his current girlfriend with you. (And yes, having you sleep in his bed with him and getting you to "rub his back" IS cheating).

 

Only YOU can get yourself away from him.

 

To be quite honest I am not really concerned about the feelings of his current girlfriend and only my own. I think I have been plenty selfless when it comes to this man. When he was going through his seizures because of his drug problem, I was there. I really have given myself more times than I can count to this relationship and to this man.

[boltnrun]

To be quite honest I am not really concerned about the feelings of his current girlfriend and only my own. I think I have been plenty selfless when it comes to this man. When he was going through his seizures because of his drug problem, I was there. I really have given myself more times than I can count to this relationship and to this man.

 

And hence, why you can't move on.

 

YOU refuse to let him go.

 

The "universe" will not do it for you, you have to decide you want to. And it seems you do not. It seems you want to continue to be your ex's side woman.

 

And THAT is why you cannot and will not move on.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered traditional therapy? This would bring a clearer perspective and understanding what brought you here. it will also help you acknowledge your responsibility and move on from this mess.

 

This is a rally unhealthy situation.

[Nervousone]

You're absolutely right I am not ready to let this go. I honestly do not appreciate you calling me names such as a "side woman" I have not slept with him since we broke up, it is derogatory. My ex continues to talk to me I have always been there for the last 7 years.

[boltnrun]

You're absolutely right I am not ready to let this go. I honestly do not appreciate you calling me names such as a "side woman" I have not slept with him since we broke up, it is derogatory. My ex continues to talk to me I have always been there for the last 7 years.

 

So I presume his girlfriend knows all about you sleeping in his bed, about the "back rub", and the fact that you two have continuous contact? And I presume she is just fine with all of this?

[Nervousone]

So I presume his girlfriend knows all about you sleeping in his bed, about the "back rub", and the fact that you two have continuous contact? And I presume she is just fine with all of this?

 

As a matter fact he has told her that we talk everyday. Like I said I honestly am not concerned about her feelings.

[lostandhurt]

You should be concerned about her feelings if she is being treated as you were. Why would you wish that on anyone?

 

Also just because you haven't had sex with him since the breakup doesn't mean there hasn't been emotional cheating which can be worse than physical.

 

If you had a bf right now and he slept in the same bed as his ex and got a back rub from her like the old days how would you feel?

 

Your ex's boundaries are all messed up. Out of respect for his current gf and relationship and YOU he should put distance between the two of you. He told you he told his gf you talk everyday but that doesn't mean he really did tell her. You are worth way more than this.

 

I am curious as to what part of all this you are not ready to let go of is? What are you getting out of staying in such close contact with this guy? How is it making your life better? How is it helping you move on emotionally?

 

Lost

[Nervousone]

I honestly am very angry at life right now for the losses that I have experienced. I do not wish anything bad on anyone. While I at the same time have my own surmounting problems do deal with. I can not save the world and she has her own path to walk.

 

I know that him and his girlfriend have only been together for a few months. Actually one of the times that I did visit she called that she was coming over and he said Raquel is here. He said that she has been paranoid ever since.

 

When you ask that question if I had a boyfriend...when I think about it I dont think I would care. That tells me I am not ready for a relationship because I wouldnt be invested into it.

 

I don't think its helping me move forward but its just hard to let go of 7 years together. I know I still love him and I guess I am hanging on. It doesnt serve me well. I guess I am just mot ready to let him go.

[boltnrun]

You DO know what it feels like because you said in your other posts that he cheated on you.

 

But I guess that only matters because it happened to you.

 

If he emotionally cheats on her with you, that's her problem...right?