j.man Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Aren't you guys tired of talking about this? RIP J.man 1986 - 2015 Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 "Don't ever contact me again" sounds really harsh and not my choice of words. I didn't consider it at all. I was just trying to figure out if being honest with yourself, "please don't contact me again" (which is polite, not rude) sounds harsh because it shuts the door and you really didn't want to do that. You just wanted to leave that teeny crack open, in case he wanted to come back. You wanted it to be less final sounding. I suspect your choice of words was for that reason. Am I right? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 RIP J.man 1986 - 2015 And Rest in Pieces Mrs Darcy ... and a few others we lost along the way. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Aren't you guys tired of talking about this? I'm so sick of it already. I think I'm going to take a break, re-read these posts. When I come up with hopefully a wise decision I'll let you guys know. Taking a break sounds fine. There's no reason he needs a response ASAP anyway. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Taking a break sounds fine. There's no reason he needs a response ASAP anyway. I agree with this. I think, too, that sometimes these threads take on a life of their own and get a little...not "out of control," per se, but....expansive and hence a bit exhausting. I think people get personally invested when 1) They like the poster in question because the poster is relate-able (and funny, articulate, writes well, seems like a nice person, etc); 2) They have some experience with the topic themselves, whether it be their own experience or that of someone they know; 3) They're the empathetic type who HATES to see someone so nice, funny, relate-able, etc., spinning her wheels; 4) They are deeply pragmatic and see the situation as very easily solved, very un-complicated, and they want the OP to see it this way as well. I think many of us fall into one or more of these categories; I fall into ALL of them. I "like" the OP, even though I don't know her in real life. She seems like the kind of gal I'd like to hang out with. I have also been in almost her EXACT position, and I let it drag out for eons, despite my better judgment and all my icky feelings about it. I am extremely empathetic and hate to see good people waste their time in situations that are clearly not beneficial to them. And, lastly, perhaps because of my past experience with this exact thing, my attitude toward this whole thing is this: He doesn't want what you want? Cut him loose. Take your chances with someone who might actually want a relationship with you. No more go-backs or do-overs. Then again, this is the me of NOW saying this -- not the me of six, seven years ago who kept giving a very unworthy man chance after chance to hurt me. Anyway...I think a break might be helpful to Naomi. I'll check back for updates, but in the meantime, I just want to point to my signature line, which I think is VERY relevant here -- as it was to me when I was dealing with my "Doctor" way back when: "You cannot be directed to decide against yourself without first being deceived into thinking that what hurts you can also help you." Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 There are multiple ways to skin a cat. We have idealistic thought processes, rational approaches and approaches in the middle. That is why there are so many different views on this thread. I think many of the responses are borne from the OP regularly coming here thinking out loud on the thread and people responding to her comments. Also the OP likes a lot of the posts sends notifications that brings participants back to read the thread which in turn increases the odds of responding to the OP or to others who are responding to her. You have people who relate to her situation and respond, people who relate to her and respond and others who are frustrated that she is waffling and respond to that. Ultimately it is the OP's decision. She is apparently at the end of the day making decisions that are working for her and she does acknowledge that it is partially due to the support and opinions she is receiving here. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Has it just been silence so far? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 …..So I've decided not to send anything yet. I read his message a million times and it doesn't really deem a response. It's been a week since he sent that message, and I'm going to wait another week and see how I feel then. Who knows, he might reach out again to check my temperature. One thing I've made up my mind on: I'm not blocking him. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Has it just been silence so far?applewhite why Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 You do realize that by replying you're aiding in the growth of this thread which you deem superfluous? You said RIP a few pages ago, so why are you back? Friendship? Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 because it is ridiculously enterntaining. I'm an insanely fast learner. 08-16-2015, 04:56 AM, Naomi99 the cognitive aspect is truly, unfailingly astounding and amusing. oh, i wasn't actually going to say anything that contributes in terms of insight and advice. i don't know if i'm a fast learner, but after a certain number of threads and posts, and sound advice thrown down the drain (although the attention may not have been entirely unappreciated) i think it's safe to conclude that wasn't sought anyway. i am curious though. seeing as you repeatedly choose to engage in these games, why camouflage it as seeking advise when you make it amply clear you are immune to it? why not just put it under a badass Naomi's perpetual dating/ ex's attention crumbs games journal? i would say if your dating conundrums cannot be solved by absurd amounts of logic, insight, ample explanations and even storybook style analogies a six year old would understand, then you have two choices. 1. decide you're unfit to date or communicate with ex's at this point 2. date as much as you want and enterntain the doc(s) to your heart's content regardless of the (feigned) confusion but if you start threads contrived at receiving anything other than the obvious advice that you've been given, and with no intention to ever follow it, then you may as well accept that people will point out your obstinacy as irreparable, and the thread as "dead" in all aspects save from amusement. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 …..So I've decided not to send anything yet. I read his message a million times and it doesn't really deem a response. It's been a week since he sent that message, and I'm going to wait another week and see how I feel then. Who knows, he might reach out again to check my temperature. Ahhh.... and there in lies the rub. The ego can be a controlling thing (if you let it), a thing that more times then not, does not look after your own best interests. One thing I've made up my mind on: I'm not blocking him. Of course you're not. How else would your ego get a boost if you can't tell if he's reached out again? Naomi: The way I see it: You're not ready to make a commitment to ANYONE, not in the least. If you were, you'd get rid of the player by now so that you can get to the stage of indifference to him and be open enough to see the potential in others that you date. When you keep the non-committed Doc in your life, you certainly won't be allowing yourself to be vulnerable to anyone who would be looking to be in a serious relationship with you. As we all know it is allowing yourself to become truly vulnerable to someone that leads us to true love... not this infatuation and addiction to the expensive dinners and pheromone matching sex that you mistake for love. I think when you learn to let go of this need you have to "collect" anyone who has shown you any type of attention (whether it be this dysfunctional garbage you long for with the Doc or men that want you but you don't want them, or men that don't want you but you are interested in but you'll continue on in half-arsed friendship ... when you can let all that superficial ego driven relating go, that is when you'll find a good and loving partner that smells great and knows how to curl your toes. Until then, you're quite happy with the emotional roller coasters men put you on and who you put men on. When you're ready... you'll quickly chuck the chucklers like you've been on about in all your posts. Until then.. C'est La Vie! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I think the OP can speak for herself, and I'm not here except to just register some surprise at this juncture. I don't understand why people are beating up on the OP so much. She dropped this thread, someone bumped it, she responded, and now she's being flogged to death about how she has a need to seek attention, how she's not seeking advice, etc. I don't see this thread as different from any other except that it's longer, and while the topic/dilemma isn't original, it's hard to find any original topic on this forum, and that's not really the point. And the OP has been very appreciative of posters, moreso than I've seen in some threads. She's pretty much thanked every response here, even the really critical ones. I do agree that there are things about the OP that seem like a tuning out -- as I said, I think she is in strong denial and has issues about lack of self-awareness, and awareness of others (she even said in the last thread that she has trouble with intuition). But speaking up for your needs often goes hand-in-hand with being self-aware. So if you can't speak up for your needs, you often lack self-awareness. Why? Because it's easier to hand control over to others and try to please them if you bury your self-awareness. Once you're self-aware, the cat is out of the bag and you then have the conflict of asserting that or else betraying yourself. If you can't face that conflict, if you're not ready to, the answer is to shove your head in the sand and go "la la la la la!!" People don't necessarily come here to follow all the advice they are given. They come here to process their thinking. To take a few more steps towards self-awareness, or at least to see what others think from the outside, looking in. Following advice has never been a prerequisite for posting here, as frustrating as it is for those who do give a lot of fantastic advice. Naomi isn't the first or last poster here who resists the advice because core issues are unresolved. But that doesn't mean the advice is for naught -- I like to think of it as planting seeds. Sometimes, you can only just hope that the seeds planted will at some point meet with more fertility. /end meta-analysis Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Where in any of this massive thread has Naomi "spoken up for her needs." One has to know what they want, what their needs are before they can speak up about them. Sorry, but I think at this point enabling dialogue isn't what Op needs. Rather, I think she needs a bit of tough love. Time to "process their thinking?" All that comes to mind when I read that is: When one keeps repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results, well then there hasn't been one bit of processing going on but rather clinging to the status quo. Naomi isn't the first or last poster here who resists the advice because core issues are unresolved. But that doesn't mean the advice is for naught -- I like to think of it as planting seeds. Sometimes, you can only just hope that the seeds planted will at some point meet with more fertility I think seeds are planted as well. That's why not always hearing what one wants to hear does much better then more suggestions to guide her to being more happy with herself (never mind in her romantic pursuits) or hearing any more platitudes that are "loved" and "reread" or that flinging out anymore psychology 101 at her would ever do. That being said: Naomi, (said with the utmost respect while tipping a glass of merlot your way): **** or get off the pot. It's really time you closed the door and waiting to see if he contacts you again is an issue that you will always be dealing with unless you start loving yourself enough to keep your personal power. Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 One thing I've made up my mind on: I'm not blocking him. Why? Are you hoping he'll change his mind, are you curious to see if he'll contact you again... or what? Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Where in any of this massive thread has Naomi "spoken up for her needs." One has to know what they want, what their needs are before they can speak up about them. Right. True. And that has been the discussion on this thread. People seem to want it to take x # of posts to be over, that's all I'm saying is bothering me. I'm all for truth-telling and tough love where needed, and I've been part of the "stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear" contributors. I just think there is an expectation here that the OP act a certain way in return for advice given, or that seems to be implied, and I don't think that's productive. If people are too frustrated to post, then don't, that's totally fair. But don't bash the OP for trying to work all this out. She has said the feedback is helping her. That should be enough to justify a thread. I don't consider dialogue "enabling," if the poster is truly searching, and I sense she is (I can think of a few who are not honestly searching). I don't think a therapist would say, we've talked enough, and from here on, I'm enabling you, so get out of my office. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 . . it must be a slow day here on ENA. . lol Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Regardless of OPs ability to assimilate advice and move forward, perhaps the wonderful advice given here will help someone else reading this thread close their own door. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I get what you're saying and yes you've been loving her with da "tough." Some have even called you out on being too hard on her which I found lol worthy however: I don't think any of us have to stick up for her regarding those that are here to say "why are we still here?" She clearly is able to articulate the irony in those types of posts. Heck I was even concerned that she was trying to collect another "friend" in the process. lol Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I get what you're saying and yes you've been loving her with da "tough." Some have even called you out on being too hard on her which I found lol worthy however: I don't think any of us have to stick up for her regarding those that are here to say "why are we still here?" She clearly is able to articulate the irony in those types of posts. Heck I was even concerned that she was trying to collect another "friend" in the process. lol Yeah, like I said, I think she can handle herself on her own. I'm not her protector. But I had to express my thoughts anyway, because sometimes a "groupthink" thing happens here and a poster can feel just discouraged enough by the sideline commentary that it will stop them from posting and having eNotAlone as a safe place. So I just had to say that because I find that disquieting. Tough love advice is all good, but that's not the same as shaming them in some way for their issues, or not having them resolved after a long thread. Just my 2 cents. Don't want to belabor the process.. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I myself find it ironic... I think Naomi did as well by her response. But, yes. thanks for your further clarification, TOV. Cheers. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Apple asked a legit question and I updated her. If I recall, she was going though a similar issue several months ago so I felt it appropriate to update her. I wasn't trying to revive this thread at all. None of the technicalities have changed, so why would I post just to post? And to be fair to myself, I've heeded the advice here more than I've disregarded it. Did I end it three months ago? Yes. Did I maintain NC? Yes. Did he reach out? Yes. Did I do balls-to-walls? Yes. Did I meet with him? No. Did I respond to his last e-mail? No. What have I done that's been so grossly out of line with the advice posted here? Two things that need serious addressing that run much deeper than the turn-of-events with this particular relationship: 1. Figuring out the root cause for this unscratchable itch that is the doctor. I'm certain it is childhood related, and 2. Why I'm so shaky on reading people's intent and why my own intentions are cloudy…and why I place more importance on their wants than my own. I know this is childhood related as well. The only big red flag that posters may disagree with is my decision not to block. I'm not blocking him because I can move on without blocking. I do want to see if he reaches out again, of course!!! Does that mean I'll respond? Nope. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I just think there is an expectation here that the OP act a certain way in return for advice given, or that seems to be implied, and I don't think that's productive. If people are too frustrated to post, then don't, that's totally fair. But don't bash the OP for trying to work all this out. She has said the feedback is helping her. That should be enough to justify a thread. Thanks for this! It's true for advice-givers in general, wanting acceptance and results. I suppose that is human nature. Advice recipients do not need to be sheep and simply do what others say. That can backfire in other ways. Link to comment
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