Has He Changed his Tune?

[Naomi99]

I love this post.

 

BUT…..the men who've kept in touch or are half-assed friends are usually the ones who reach out to me in some form, not that I've maintained and collected. Some of these are guys I've dated for less than a month with zero intimacy. And I feel bad saying "no, thank you. go away," so I accept their half-assed friendship. Maybe that ties into my failure of making decisions that fit MY life and instead I let myself easily fit into someone else's agenda. But I really don't feel a vindicated ego boost. I actually feel happy someone thought of me enough to maintain a connection.

 

On the other hand, I think you are spot-on about the doctor boosting my ego. Big time. I DO feel better knowing he was sad when it ended, and knowing that he became attached in his own dysfunctional way, and that he conscientiously went back on his statement of not contacting me to do just that. It was what I was seeking all along even though my first initial reaction was anger.

[Naomi99]

People seem to want it to take x # of posts to be over, that's all I'm saying is bothering me..

 

That bothers me too. And it bothers me that people are saying I'm disregarding advice and attention-seeking. I learn fast but applying might take some time. And I can accept and learn about why/what I should be doing and have been very open-minded about criticisms here, but I can't automatically reverse my feelings for the doctor just because people tell me to. I care about him still. Therein is where my hesitance lies.

 

 

and a poster can feel just discouraged enough by the sideline commentary that it will stop them from posting and having eNotAlone as a safe place. So I just had to say that because I find that disquieting.

 

That's all it is; sideline commentary. I recognize the posters who add value to the thread as opposed to those who are probably attention-seekers themselves. In fact, if we could weed those sideline commentaries out, this thread might be half the size it is for which they're complaining about.

 

 

But back to the topic. I'm not sure if I will ever respond to him, but I'm certainly not blocking. Responding is not a priority anymore, but I will post here if/when something happens.

 

Back to work...

[boltnrun]

Naomi, I don't think the doctor is "sad" or "attached". Except, he's "sad" he doesn't get to play hide the salami with you anymore, and he was "attached" to getting a free gourmet meal served by a woman who is dressed "sleekly", who then cleans up and provides him with sex and companionship...until he's ready to boot her out the door at 2 am. And who says "you suck" but does his bidding anyway. Then comes back to do it again.

 

I'm sure you realize women who are willing to subjugate themselves in this way are NOT a dime a dozen. Sure, he could find a subservient woman who will do anything he asks, but then she will demand things from him in return. You didn't. At least, until the end, when you asked for a relationship and he said "no".

 

So yeah, he liked that about you. Why wouldn't he? And why wouldn't he try to get that back? The worst that could happen is you telling him to shove it, but he was probably fairly certain you wouldn't. And you didn't. Plus, by not blocking you are keeping the lines of communication open, and he knows this as well. The possibility is there that he can get you to come over "platonically", and we all know how that ends up.

 

I just see it as, by making it so he can still contact you, you remain in limbo. Subconsciously waiting for that next message, then pondering whether or not you will respond, then pondering the response, then pondering whether he will respond to your response, etc. etc. for eternity.

 

Blocking him will get you off the hamster wheel. And allow the possibility that another man can come along who will rock your boat and actually treat you considerately. What a concept! Unless, of course, that idea terrifies you, which is another topic altogether.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it was good of Naomi to respond to Applewhite. I believe Naomi's previous threads helped Apple deal with another uninterested man.

 

Having said that Jman is just funny.

[Naomi99]

You're probably right, but I'm only going by his words in his email that he was really sad about this and although he didn't want a romantic relationship, he still had strong emotions tied to me.

 

Anyway, how will he know if I blocked him or not? He won't know the difference between blocking him or if I simply didn't respond. So blocking would be purely for me, which I do not need to do to move on. It is almost as if you guys view "blocking" more symbolic of me willing to let him go as opposed to the actual action itself.

 

I don't want to block him. I think I've only blocked on person in my entire life, and that was because he was truly a weirdo. The doctor is not a weirdo. Who knows? Let's say I DO run into him or do see him, and he's aged and lost more hair and his mind is going kaput, and now I realize he's way more selfish than I thought. I might not want him anymore.

 

And if he asks me to come over platonically, I'm going over wearing dirty panties and I'm asking him, "Do you mind if my grandmother comes along?" (that is a joke, btw.)

[boltnrun]

Yes, blocking is indeed symbolic.

 

It symbolizes "I am done figuratively waiting by the phone for this doctor to contact me. I am done subjugating myself to his wants. I am blocking him because I do not want any form of communication from him, or to him, ever again. I am putting myself first. I am healthy and ready to put the past behind me and am looking forward to what the future will bring. And definitely, the future will not include him because he just plain is not good or right for me".

 

I deleted my ex's texts finally because I no longer wanted any kind of tie to him. It was hard...it forced me to accept that no matter how sublime the sex was, he was not and will never be a good partner to me. And that I cared enough about my own self worth to remove those ties permanently.

 

The feeling was...strange. At first, anxiety. Would I regret this? But after I did it, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. He was out of my life and that was good. Hooray for me, I can finally move on for real.

 

Trust me, it will feel fantastic. Scary at first, but then fantastic.

[lilygirl]

Two things that need serious addressing that run much deeper than the turn-of-events with this particular relationship: 1. Figuring out the root cause for this unscratchable itch that is the doctor. I'm certain it is childhood related, and 2. Why I'm so shaky on reading people's intent and why my own intentions are cloudy…and why I place more importance on their wants than my own. I know this is childhood related as well.

 

This is it Naomi. Psychotherapy, it is a game changer. I am on a journey, similar to yours, repeated patterns played out with unavailable men, and now, it is finally starting to make sense. I may finally be ready to stop the pattern from playing out again.

 

You are not ready to take the advice to block and move on because you aren't at that point yet and there is nothing wrong with that . You need to figure it out for yourself and that takes time. Besides, blocking and moving on without trying to figure out the root cause(s) will not help you prevent the pattern from repeating itself down the road.

[ThatwasThen]

And if he asks me to come over platonically, I'm going over wearing dirty panties and I'm asking him, "Do you mind if my grandmother comes along?" (that is a joke, btw.)

Well, if you are not going to block/delete him (thus eliminating, the possibility of you caving to your want of him,) I suggest you don't shave your legs. It will at least give you pause before you avail him of da squish mitten.

[boltnrun]

Well, if you are not going to block/delete him (thus eliminating, the possibility of you caving to your want of him,) I suggest you don't shave your legs. It will at least give you pause before you avail him of da squish mitten.

 

Maybe don't, ahem, "groom" at all.

 

I know, tough to do.

[itsallgrand]

lol nothing is going stop it if that's what you want to happen . Underwear comes off, things are overlooked in the head of the moment.

[annie24]

Maybe don't, ahem, "groom" at all.

 

I know, tough to do.

 

some guys love it!!!!!!!! and lots of guys won't let some leg hair get in the way of da squish mitten, lol.

[itsallgrand]

I am stealing that ..squish mitten...never heard that before, it's hilarious.

[Silverbirch]

Oh yeah, I loved "playing hide the salami" too!

[tiredofvampires]

Just wondering, since I think I can relate to Naomi's choice not to block him ---

 

How much would you say in your life you have dealt with abandonment issues? Not much of an issue in your own history?

[tiredofvampires]

Naomi, I think it's a kind of passive and inviting move for you not to respond to him.

 

I can understand not blocking. I've never blocked anyone, to my recollection (wait, there was one person, a woman). But you also have not taken an active stand to make your feelings and thoughts known to him, to commit to your position. By not responding to him, you don't have to stand up for yourself, you can just quietly bow out, and there's a big difference.

 

One is committed, the other is not. It's just roll the dice and by your omission, hope he doesn't tempt you with another email. Or does (and I guarantee if he sends you a second one, you won't keep your silence -- that would be "mean.")

 

I do think you should send a response instead of this non-response. THAT is half-assed. It's a set-up for no resolution, or muddy resolution, which then later you have lingering feelings about.

[Naomi99]

Just because he reached out doesn't mean he's entitled to a response. If you read his message, there really is no need for a response, and no response means we default right back to where we were. If he wanted clarification, he can ask for it just like I had to drop my balls and ask him for clarification.

 

Also I wrote about 10 different draft responses over the course of the last week, all different in tone and context. I'd wait a couple of hours and re-read, and lo and behold, my current feelings did not match the tone of the response. So I think it's safer right now not to send anything until I am solid with what I want to say.

[Naomi99]

What is so great about him where you spend so much time thinking about him?

 

I keep asking myself the same question.

[Silverbirch]

Are you still going to the French Cooking School Naomu?

[tiredofvampires]

Just because he reached out doesn't mean he's entitled to a response. If you read his message, there really is no need for a response, and no response means we default right back to where we were. If he wanted clarification, he can ask for it just like I had to drop my balls and ask him for clarification.

 

Also I wrote about 10 different draft responses over the course of the last week, all different in tone and context. I'd wait a couple of hours and re-read, and lo and behold, my current feelings did not match the tone of the response. So I think it's safer right now not to send anything until I am solid with what I want to say.

 

Fair enough.

 

As long as you're clear why you are not responding.

[Naomi99]

I am clear why I'm not responding currently. Because I waver back and forth between how I want to approach him.

 

Through the entirety of our 9-month fling, he's never volunteered his feelings about anything aside from politics, religion and the benefits of celery. But in those last few messages, this is the most I've ever seen him open up and reveal something heartfelt ever in my life because this man is simply not thoughtful. He will cut you apples and feed them to you and wrap you up in a blanket and kiss your hair, but when it comes to feelings beyond "I need a Tums tablet," he is untouchable and clinical. What people here label as "bread crumbs" from him would be the equivalent of artisan macarons from Laduree.

 

And in a way, I want to reciprocate and open up and tell him how I was sad, just like him, and how it was difficult to make that decision and I didn't mean to push him away but it was the only respectable choice I had left, I want to say all of these things to put and end to my own aloofness; yet, there is another part of me that says it's pointless to go through this exercise. He is very clear on what I want. I am clear on what he wants. So why explain again? The results will be the same no matter what, so why pick at a scab?

[ThatwasThen]

Can I ask why you're not ready to close the door and thereby shut of all this speculation going on in your head about him? An "I miss you" means no "heart felt" omission. It simply means that like the rest of human kind... he's going through with-drawl of suddenly not having someone in his life that was once there. I miss my cute young barista who made my low fat chia tea latte every day while flirting outrageously with me... and I'd tell him if I knew where he went because we had a true "connection." He knew exactly how to make it for me, baby and I saw him everyday for a year, however; that doesn't mean that i'm bleeding out over him. As time goes on, I'm sure the new guy will get it just right too.

 

So: Why aren't you ready to close the door on him. What exactly are your reasons other then ego/hope/DENIAL/your own speculation/your own projection?

[Naomi99]

I miss my cute young barista who made my low fat chia tea latte every day while flirting outrageously with me... and I'd tell him if I knew where he went because we had a true "connection." He knew exactly how to make it for me, baby and I saw him everyday for a year, however; that doesn't mean that i'm bleeding out over him. As time goes on, I'm sure the new guy will get it just right too.

 

 

 

That was so funny!!!

 

 

 

So: Why aren't you ready to close the door on him. What exactly are your reasons other then ego/hope/DENIAL/your own speculation/your own projection?

 

Literally the door has been closed. I haven't made any plans to see him and my position still stands as of three months ago. Nothing has changed.

 

Figuratively the door is still left open because I still have feelings for him. I thought the feelings were dissipating…I had been keeping very busy and challenged with friends/work, all until I got his stupid message which re-ignited the roaring sea in my loins.

[Naomi99]

Are you still going to the French Cooking School Naomu?

 

She's booked for a while, so next on the list is King Arthur Flour in Vermont! You should check it out. It's beautiful scenery and the B&Bs are not expensive. They will cut you a deal if you mention you're there for King Arthur Flour classes.

[ThatwasThen]

 

That was so funny!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Literally the door has been closed. I haven't made any plans to see him and my position still stands as of three months ago. Nothing has changed.

 

Figuratively the door is still left open because I still have feelings for him. I thought the feelings were dissipating…I had been keeping very busy and challenged with friends/work, all until I got his stupid message which re-ignited the roaring sea in my loins.

Ahhh, yes. The roaring sea. That's exactly why everyone is telling you to close the door... so that he can't cause any more waves in your deep blue C.

[boltnrun]

 

That was so funny!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Literally the door has been closed. I haven't made any plans to see him and my position still stands as of three months ago. Nothing has changed.

 

Figuratively the door is still left open because I still have feelings for him. I thought the feelings were dissipating…I had been keeping very busy and challenged with friends/work, all until I got his stupid message which re-ignited the roaring sea in my loins.

 

That's exactly why you SHOULD block him!

 

How many years do you want to feel this way? How many years are you going to allow him to message you, sending you right back down the same path of longing and regret? Do you not see how you are harming yourself?

 

No, not blocking him is not a way to retain a connection to him. Not in a healthy way, anyway. I mean, if all it takes from him is a lame "I miss you" to send you reeling, I can't imagine what would happen if he invited you over.

 

Blocking him sends you on the road to recovery from the drug that is the doctor. And like all addicts, you can't "just have one", because as you saw in the past, "just one" leads to more and more until there you are, once again lugging 45 pounds of food uphill in uncomfortable clothing, ready to serve him in the kitchen and the bedroom until he throws you out at 2 am. And dissatisfied once again.

 

Of course, it's your choice. But when I see someone holding a loaded gun to their head I AM going to try to stop them.