Has He Changed his Tune?

[Naomi99]

I can assure you I will not be cooking or lugging food again (and this is IF IF IF I see him.) Again, keep in mind I did NOTHING for him the first four months we were dating except mirror his actions and play hard to get. It was the fifth month after he had his surgery when the "nurse" mode kicked in and I was bringing all of that stuff to his house, because I cared about him and he was in pain. And when he recovered, my pampering didn't stop and that's when I got into trouble.

 

Okay. I see your point about blocking. But I can't yet. Not ready to. I didn't block him before and I was able to move on. Sort of.

[mhowe]

Ahhh, yes. The roaring sea. That's exactly why everyone is telling you to close the door... so that he can't cause any more waves in your deep blue C.

 

TWT...I saw what you did there. Guess that is why her mitten is so squishy.....

[boltnrun]

I can assure you I will not be cooking or lugging food again (and this is IF IF IF I see him.) Again, keep in mind I did NOTHING for him the first four months we were dating except mirror his actions and play hard to get. It was the fifth month after he had his surgery when the "nurse" mode kicked in and I was bringing all of that stuff to his house, because I cared about him and he was in pain. And when he recovered, my pampering didn't stop and that's when I got into trouble.

 

Okay. I see your point about blocking. But I can't yet. Not ready to. I didn't block him before and I was able to move on. Sort of.

 

Naomi, I don't mean to be facetious, but you went back to him "before". Not exactly "moving on" IMO.

[Rosti87]

The thing is when you two originally met you were probably similar (emotionally aloof/buttoned down). That was initially what attracted him to you. NOW... You have changed. You want emotional intimacy. He wants the old you.

 

I'm a strong believer that you attract who you are in that moment. He is expecting to put the genie back into the bottle. You don't because you have changed.

[Naomi99]

I am sick to death of this topic. I can't imagine how you all feel.

 

I'm mentally shutting down.

[Naomi99]

I think this might be me…or something close to it:

 

/

 

Cold. Heartless. Callous. Jaded. Alone. Here is the story of a girl who has lived anything but a fairytale. Instead, she got her heart broken one too many times, trusted too many times, chose the wrong person too many times.

 

Once upon a time, this girl was probably normal… if you can call it that. Willing to trust, willing to love, willing to let herself be candid with someone. But, following that came the heartbreak, the betrayal, the rejection. Take this story and multiply it by five or 10, and you have the finished product: a heartless, jaded girl.

 

She safeguards her heart like no tomorrow and would rather perish than show any semblance of emotion. Not even a fairy godmother can fix her.

 

This girl who was once capable of love and feelings is now iced over and has no intention of showing her heart. She’s unable to let people in, does not know what communication and intimacy are beyond the physical and sexual level and has subconsciously protected her heart with the same level of the Swiss Guard.

 

She is either always in a f*ck-buddy type of situation or alone. She could be beautiful and warm on the outside, but inside, she’s cold because that’s what years of heartbreak will do to a girl.

 

She won’t text you first, not because she’s playing the game, but because she’s afraid. She won’t ask you personal questions out of fear that you’ll push her away. She’s grown accustomed to rejection, so she does all she can to avoid it.

 

Many people believe getting hurt will coerce you to grow and realize what you deserve. Realistically, though, being hurt can either stunt your growth by making you incapable of feeling or create a standard so high that even Prince Charming won’t be able to fulfill it.

 

The jaded, heartless girl is the one who has rendered herself incapable of sympathy and feelings. Opening up is bullsh*t to her and feelings are for the weak.

 

The physicality is temporarily enough for her, but secretly, she wants more, which is why she continuously gets her heart smashed into a million pieces when a guy tires of her. This leads her to benders and bad decisions for as long as it takes her to freeze over her heart once more.

 

She blames the guy, but half the time, it’s her fault.

 

When you’re cold, it’s truly difficult to communicate your feelings to people. This is why the series of friends-with-benefits and could-have-beens turn into nothing but sex. She pursues these endeavors because she believes sex is the only way in without exposing herself.

 

She has been in this situation one too many times, which is why it is a familiar place. The fear of standing up for how she really feels will not only show emotion, but also potentially lead to the loss of a person, and that’s the last thing she wants.

 

The jaded female likes to live in the moment and savor the semblance of the “relationship” she has. She’d rather hold on to what’s good now instead of trying to grow and risk losing it.

 

She wants to be loved for being heartless, cold and jaded. The thing is, it rarely ever happens. She has taken risks previously and decided not to act in the same manner she deemed as foolish before.

 

Why wait for her glass slipper when there is no prince to bring it to her?

 

She’s brainwashed herself to believe emotions are for the weak, and after years of repeating it to herself, she stands by it. She believes she doesn’t care and that’s enough for her.

 

She wants someone to protect her, love her and never let her go, but past experiences have demonstrated that is unlikely for her. She’s too afraid of feelings and vulnerability associated with revealing things about herself.

 

It is a protective mechanism that causes the downfall of many of her relationships. Being heartless and cold after many years of painful, often self-induced heartbreak is why she is unable to share a real connection.

 

Getting to know more about a person makes you fall for him or her. Sex can only fulfill lust and infatuation, but it doesn’t fill the void of foundations you need to have to pursue anything beyond that.

 

To her, taking the next step and making a connection feels like giving herself to someone.

 

Feeling rejected is similar to the feeling naked and embarrassed. There is nothing worse to her than giving and not receiving anything in return. This is why, over the years, she has pushed away her feelings and emotions and acted like she hasn’t cared. She’s conditioned herself not to care.

 

She does it to protect herself from all the romance bullsh*t, and she knows there is no happily-ever-after for her, anyway.

 

Heartbreak has rendered her almost incapable of love and emotion because she never wants to feel that sharp pain pressing against her chest. She never wants to waste all those tissue boxes, puffy eyes or dazed days when she can’t forget his existence.

 

It took her so long to get back to being strong and independent (on the outside at least), so to her, no emotion is better than picking herself back up.

[mhowe]

Speaking of ones self in the third person is not a good sign.

[notalady]

Speaking of ones self in the third person is not a good sign.

 

What has this thread descended to, she thought to herself.

[Silverbirch]

I'm sorry you are hurting Naomi.

[tiredofvampires]

Naomi, how do you feel that's a picture of who you are or have become?

 

I don't read you as "cold, heartless, jaded, alone", using men as mere FB's and being emotionally stoic because feelings are "weak". Though come to think of it, you've just described a few men I know.

 

This description doesn't seem to fit you, so I'm wondering how you think it does...

 

Question for boltnrun

 

A few posts back(#414), I asked you if you had any history of abandonment issues (my guessing is that you don't have that particular complex; even your screename suggests that you don't, to me). I don't know if you overlooked that, or just don't care to answer, but I am interested to know, because I'm relating your stance (about blocking the doctor) to what I perceive about Naomi (and women like her).

 

So thanks in advance for answering that, if you can.

[boltnrun]

Sorry, TOV, I completely missed you asking the question.

 

I SHOULD have abandonment issues...my "father" ended up being a deadbeat who treated me like a princess until he decided to divorce my mom, essentially leaving me out in the cold to chase 18 year olds. It took me many years to overcome this. I'm at an age now where I have no time for men who want me around to mistreat me. Or to take me for granted.

 

That's why I encourage Naomi to block the doctor so she can get out of this limbo. However, Naomi, I realize you are not ready to let go. Someday soon I hope you are ready, because I don't think holding on is good for you...but it has to be your decision.