Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?

[IAmFCA]

I should probably add the dynamics with this one can't be further from the doctor. I feel comfortable with him. Like I can burp and fart and not give a crap if he's offended.

 

I would be MORTIFIED if I let one slip in front of the doctor.

 

This could mean anything, from taking your friend for granted, to putting doc1 on a pedestal, to being ashamed of your own human faux pas. It does not necessarily mean either situation was healthy, not Doc1, and not Doc2.

 

Your standards are your own. If you would burp in front of one guy, why not the other? How you represent yourself is up to you, and not up to the opinion of the person/man you're with.

 

You are sure in doc2's affection so you don't work to protect it- how is that kind or responsible? It isnt.

 

You were not secure with Doc1, so you worked for him. How was that kind or responsible to yourself? It wasn't.

 

Be your own judge and jury. Stand by your conclusion. If you want a man to burp in front 9f you and appreciate your burps, then do that. If you want more control from him, then control yourself. It isn't about someone else's judgment. It's about your own.

[IAmFCA]

He's already got three things booked for us to do this week!! Dinner tonight, then baseball game mid week, then show on Friday.

 

Isn't that a bit much?

 

He gets a lot of "perks" from patients. I cannot turn down Friday or the BB game because I think my name is on a list, and that would be F-d up.

 

But agree…need to slow this down and take a break. It is becoming insane. I think your advice is great, because it will give me a chance to look at him without all these other factors he's clouding my mind with.

 

I will admit it IS helping me move on from the doctor though.

 

(this was posted before I read ToV's EXCELLENT post)

 

Using your friend to get over your bf.

 

That's bs.

[itsallgrand]

Using your friend to get over your bf.

 

That's bs.

 

Yeah, I gotta agree. It's not cool.

[tiredofvampires]

I will admit it IS helping me move on from the doctor though.

 

That's working for you better than it is for this guy, though. In this sense, he's being used.

 

There are other ways to move on from the first doctor, and they should not involve stand-ins or otherwise sexual/male distractions.

[Naomi99]

This is a really great post and you offer the best advice ever. I'm speechless.

[Naomi99]

That's working for you better than it is for this guy, though. In this sense, he's being used.

 

There are other ways to move on from the first doctor, and they should not involve stand-ins or otherwise sexual/male distractions.

 

He offered his company precisely for the reason of coping with the breakup. He knew I was depressed and said "keep busy, cheer up. Come with me to see this movie. You'll feel better after."

 

Texting me every morning "Doing okay?" or "I have extra tickets…you need to get out."

 

No he wasn't holding a gun to my head but I do think he knew very well what he was doing.

[mhowe]

Brilliant brilliant brilliant. I hope OP can take this to heart.

[Naomi99]

I can't stop laughing at this post because of the subject matter, but wow, this makes so much sense!!!! This is such a great post. Didn't realize that it's because I feel secure in his affections and that's why I'm okay being goofy burping. I thought it's because we're comfortable around each other, he's my age, more active and good-natured.

 

As for being prim and proper around the doctor, I thought it had to do with him being much older than I, a bit delicate and old-school and stuffy; not that I was trying to win his affection.

 

Either way, my reasoning is off. I seem to keep making it about them when it's really about me and my actions.

[IAmFCA]

I can't stop laughing at this post because of the subject matter, but wow, this makes so much sense!!!! This is such a great post. Didn't realize that it's because I feel secure in his affections and that's why I'm okay being goofy burping. I thought it's because we're comfortable around each other, he's my age, more active and good-natured.

 

As for being prim and proper around the doctor, I thought it had to do with him being much older than I, a bit delicate and old-school and stuffy; not that I was trying to win his affection.

 

Either way, my reasoning is off. I seem to keep making it about them when it's really about me and my actions.

 

I am not sure if you are making fun of me but indeed your words are true. Not burping because the older doc is stuffy. So. Are you? Burping because doc2 is younger, not stuffy. So, doc2 is your age and therefore it's okay to burp?

 

I have the same two school friends for almost 30 years. One would never burp, the other says things like I gotta go potty or talks about poop. I am neither way- I certainly never burp, but I do curse, and I say I need to go to the bathroom, or simply Excuse me, leaving other details unsaid. Why did I bring this up? Because my friends don't dictate who I choose to be, and this example is one way to show that. I love them both, am comfortable with both, and hope to have that privilege till I leave this planet. My standards are mine.

 

If you like burping with your bf, than doc1 deserved to see that side of you and you deserved to show it to him. To be your authentic you. My authentic me didn't burp at any age, but that's me. I wear ripped jeans and go bare foot, but I don't burp. It's not associated with age, stuffiness, or what my friends or boyfriends accept. It is what I accept in myself.

 

This is an example of you being passive. Choose who you want to be, and be that person, authentic to your vision for yourself. THEN you will be ready for a guy. Till then everyone else is just passing through. Including you.

[Rosti87]

I agree with this. Being authentic to yourself and outwardly showing it will attract to you a more compatible mate.

[Ms Darcy]

I will admit it IS helping me move on from the doctor though.

 

In my opinion, stripped down to its most simplistic/basic foundation, this is what any rebound is. Helping one get his/her mind off the one he/she really wants.

[reinventmyself]

"Grow a set of boobs" Love it!.

 

I've been guilty in the past by measuring my worth by who choose me.

Now I (work on) focusing on whom I choose and measuring it by what We have to offer each other and IF WE compliment each other.

Can't believe Naomi would consider yet another lopsided relationship.

Learn from the past and apply it to your future!

[itsallgrand]

Come to the other side Naomi...it's fricking fun.

 

Listen to the people here. They be smart.

[ThatwasThen]

In my opinion, stripped down to its most simplistic/basic foundation, this is what any rebound is. Helping one get his/her mind off the one he/she really wants.

Yes this is true but...

 

In my opinion: It's also what friends are for. To help you through a breakup and to keep you busy doing fun things to help you keep your mind off of the ex.

 

How is someone who is volunteering for his role being "used." If he wants Naomi in a different dynamic then platonic friends then he should ask for what he wants and if it's not agreed to, then HE needs to make a decision.

[IAmFCA]

It's also what friends are for. To help you through a breakup and to keep you busy doing fun things to help you keep your mind off of the ex.

 

How is someone who is volunteering for his role being "used." If he wants Naomi in a different dynamic then platonic friends then he should ask for what he wants and if it's not agreed to, then HE needs to make a decision.

 

Yes, therefore Naomi's calendar is being filled by her many girlfriends who are inviting her over for dinner at home with the hubby, or getting git's night, or maybe she is making new gfs who are not married? Hmm. Knowing doc2 is acting inappropriately as a friend by hosting her at a pace that is beyond her ability to reciproxate, and accepting his attention because she needs it is what using is. Friends don't use friends.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, therefore Naomi's calendar is being filled by her many girlfriends who are inviting her over for dinner at home with the hubby, or getting git's night, or maybe she is making new gfs who are not married? Hmm. Knowing doc2 is acting inappropriately as a friend by hosting her at a pace that is beyond her ability to reciproxate, and accepting his attention because she needs it is what using is. Friends don't use friends.

Like I said, way back when. Perhaps she should dial back her acceptances to his invitations. However, in the meantime, buddy is volunteering here. He is not being used. If she was doing all this inviting and expecting him to pay I would look at it differently. If he wants more, then he should ask for it and until he does.... all any of us really know is that he is enjoying the company of his friend and doesn't want anything further then that companionship. There is, at this point no proof that anyone is being used. If he asks for more and Naomi doesn't want to give it but keeps up the pace that they are spending together currently, then I would be on board and suggest that she really dial it back so that he could get some indifference toward her.

 

Did I miss where he asked her to be his girlfriend and she said no to that? I'll admit I haven't read every post.

[Silverbirch]

Hi, I'm late to this thread too, but I agree most with this reply ^^

[ThatwasThen]

Adding: We ALL told Naomi that it was the person's responsibility that wants the relationship to do the asking and then to make decisions based on the answer.

 

 

Sorry, just edited for grammar.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, I think it was mentioned several times in your previous thread that that doctor seemed to be a mirror for where you ere (perhaps emotional unavailability via wanting what you can't have). And the new doctor is mirroring a different side of the same coin of emotional unavailability - having what you don't want.

[tiredofvampires]

Yes this is true but...

 

In my opinion: It's also what friends are for. To help you through a breakup and to keep you busy doing fun things to help you keep your mind off of the ex.

 

How is someone who is volunteering for his role being "used." If he wants Naomi in a different dynamic then platonic friends then he should ask for what he wants and if it's not agreed to, then HE needs to make a decision.

 

I totally get what you're saying here, and it's a good point -- if we are being very purist.

 

Each man to himself/herself, to speak up for what they want and need, and take care of themselves. We ultimately have to be our own advocates.

 

But it takes two to tango, and I'd like to think that someone who senses they are on the upper hand of an imbalance not exploit that dynamic.

 

There are people in this world who are "blameless" because they just haven't done the wrong thing. Then there are people who go so far as to actually do the right thing. I'd rather shoot for being/being around the latter folk.

 

And as for the friends thing, sure, I believe in the abstract a man could genuinely just want to help distract his lady friend. But the way Naomi describes this is being done -- the rate of outings, the refusal to ever go dutch (maybe he's that old-fashioned and it's always been that way, but then he might have always wanted to win her over), the mention of a romantic place for a WEEK'S getaway, date-type dinners...this does not shout, "BFF time." So being specific to THIS situation, I think the inferences being made about his motives/hopes aren't unfair. Friends also try to not ingratiate themselves when an opportunity arises, if they're being sensitive to how their actions might be perceived (particularly in a delicate and ambiguous situation like this one), and they are being honest with themselves and concerned about maintaining an equal standing. So I don't think he's being completely selfless in his actions here, but nor do I think wanting to woo someone you like is wrong...except in the sense that getting the girl he wants when she is at her most vulnerable would not wisely be considered a victory.

[tiredofvampires]

To be honest, I think they are exploiting eachother, just in different ways.

[ThatwasThen]

There are people in this world who are "blameless" because they just haven't done the wrong thing. Then there are people who go so far as to actually do the right thing. I'd rather shoot for being/being around the latter folk.

Yes but this is based on the assumption that Doc2 is actually wanting more then friendship with her. Without proof that he actually wants more and is not just cashing in on the fact that Naomi has more free time to be his friend then there is no "wrong" being done.

 

Just because he whispered to her that they should do Europe is NO proof that he is priming her to be more nor is it proof that he even wants more. Now, if he tries to kiss her at the baseball game or he attempts to hold her hand ... well then, we have some proof.

[IAmFCA]

To be honest, I think they are exploiting eachother, just in different ways.

 

Exactly.

 

I'd feel it were more even if she were inclined to invite him to company events as he invites her, but I doubt she would. I can't tell what she contributes other than perhaps acting as a trophy. If they've been friends.for 4 years, I'd think this is well beyond question, but it isn't. This friendship is a Friends For Now thi NV, not a friend's forever thing.

 

Too bad. So much change to. come in Naomi life.

[IAmFCA]

Adding: We ALL told Naomi that it was the person responsibility that wants the relationship to do the asking and then to make decisions based on the answer.

 

Yes. With respect to her friend, she need say nothing. With respect to her behavior, she needs to accept at a level that reflects her intention to reciprocate in some way.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add to my above post by saying that I don't agree with allowing him to pay for every outing whether he is old fashioned or not. I would insist that I pay my own way. That is where I think Naomi is being far too easily persuades not to pay. Insisting to pay your own way means you won't be persuaded not to.

 

BTW: If one can't afford to go on all those outings and pay one's own portion then don't go out on all those outings.