Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?

[Naomi99]

Er.. A psychiatrist is another doctor. Do you have thing for doctors?

 

It was said tongue in cheek implying psychiatric help for me

 

doc1 sought me out.

Doc2 has been an established friend.

 

No I do not have a thing for doctors nor did I seek out either of them. It just ended up that way.

 

I do have a thing for smart men tho. Both of them are intelligent.

[Rosti87]

Hello?! You just caught that? . .lol

Well I did but wanted to not make that the focus. But when she brought up psychiatrist I felt compelled to ask.

[reinventmyself]

I am 100 pages behind, but here goes..

 

 

\\

I say, don't date. Join meetup groups. Give yourself a good 6 months of no dating, no flirting by text, no getting guys' numbers and emailing and establishing a flirty relationship with them. Just concentrate on what Naomi really wants and fully get over the doctor. What is it with doctor's anyhow?

 

There's in lies the benefit of stepping away from dating when fresh out of a situation. You get your legs under you and can better navigate situations such as this.

[Naomi99]

Well I did but wanted to not make that the focus. But when she brought up psychiatrist I felt compelled to ask.

 

It was a joke and yes I i know Ph.D.s are doctors too.

[Rosti87]

It was a joke and yes I i know Ph.D.s are doctors too.

You specifically said psychiatrist as opposed to psychologist (which are not MDs). Just a simple question.

[abitbroken]

Naomi,

 

Don't be a deer in the headlights. Decide WHAT you want in a relationship. Don't just "let something happen". If this guy is whispering in your ear and wining and dining you, participating in this wining and dining is showing him that you are game and you are starting a relationship with him - it is no longer a friendship. If you just want sex, you are well on your way there. If you want a relationship = have you looked at this guy from a perspective other than friends - does he want the same type of relationship you do? You said before that you can't declare what kind of relationship you want - yes you can. You have known this guy for four years so it will be easy to talk about this a) Are hesitant to go further with him because you don't want to wreck the friendship b) that you are looking to date but are not looking for a serious relationship. That you are okay with casual sex c) you are looking for the right match for a relationship, so if he is looking for something just casual you are not interested. You don't know for sure if you are a match yet or not, but you would like to date to find out. None of those mean that you will ultimately stick with this guy, but it will prevent you from ending in another relationship like the doctor. This guy won't compartmentalize you as much if you met his family, etc, but you may find you are repeating similar other issues if you sort of just fall into it and then find out he wants a commitment later on and you don't, or if you are in opposite directions but you are too attached to go.

 

 

There's in lies the benefit of stepping away from dating when fresh out of a situation. You get your legs under you and can better navigate situations such as this.

 

I noticed in her other thread that she tends to ignore this type of advice about stepping away. She is right back into something to distract her form doc1

[Naomi99]

You specifically said psychiatrist as opposed to psychologist (which are not MDs). Just a simple question.

 

because they can prescribe.

 

(again, I'm being lighthearted about this.)

[Naomi99]

I agree with everything you say except for the very last sentence. I DID step away! After I ended it with the first guy (we don't have to refer to them as doctors anymore) I took a solo trip, something I hadn't done in 15 years without a BF or dog accompanying me, rearranged my kitchen and my closet, taking barre class and working out like crazy. I'm also going on another small vacation with a group of my friends later this month. Everyone on that trip will be partnered off except for me. I'm sorta dreading it but forcing myself to do this.

 

There were two guys who were interested in meeting me around the time of the breakup; a really young hottie and a divorcee with two kids. I never agreed to any dates with either of them. Haven't been on one date since guy1 (unless you count all those platonic outings with guy2 as dates.)

 

After a breakup the best advice out there is to keep yourself busy, immerse yourself in friends and activities, which is precisely what I did. Part of "immerse yourself with friends" included hanging out with guy2. And everything was fine until he up'd the frequency and said the Europe thing. That's when I came here to post. Never really gave him much thought beyond friendship but now that it has crossed my mind, I dutifully admit I AM CURIOUS, despite finding him physically unattractive, because he treats me very well and has qualities I think are important.

 

It seems like the ladies think I was ferreting out another relationship quickly to replace guy1. That isn't the case nor am I a rebound girl. I am not that needy. I still think about guy1 more than I'd care to admit, but have accepted the current situation and looking forward to getting on with my life.

[Naomi99]

Can't believe Naomi would consider yet another lopsided relationship.

 

it would be really lopsided if we were on a see-saw. He's three times bigger than I.

[mhowe]

Yeah...I think "baby Huey" was how you described him.

[Naomi99]

Exactly.

 

I'd feel it were more even if she were inclined to invite him to company events as he invites her, but I doubt she would. I can't tell what she contributes other than perhaps acting as a trophy.

 

I've invited him to see movies. That's it.

 

And I am soooo not a trophy. I'm burping and laughing and wiping my dirty hands on his sweatshirt.

[abitbroken]

Today is August 17th. The last time you spoke with the Doctor (okay, what do you want to call him if you don't want to call him the doctor?) was in July. This is not "taking time for yourself." That is going on vacation. Taking time for yourself is longer than that. It is being content being solo with no romantic involvement for awhile. It is shutting all of that down for awhile not just going on one trip with no boyfriend. Otherwise, we really don't learn anything. The "time" you took involved entertaining a male friend who is now in hot pursuit. You did give him a green light by allowing the frequency (and note the location of the time you spent together). You controlled the heat completely.

 

I am not saying your ex was this 5 year relationship you have to take a long time to get over, but because you got into a lopsided relationship and accepted it - it is a good idea to make sure you don't get into another one. There was another guy that pursued you before who you rejected because he was too attentive, was moving too fast. You need to learn how to set the pace and control the speed of things - either you are with a guy who wants babies right away or doesn't want much of a relationship at all. A little time to REALLY figure out what you truly want instead of getting involved with a guy -- then you don't find him attractive or this or that - but you are off to the races because he started pursuing you more..

[Naomi99]

Yes but this is based on the assumption that Doc2 is actually wanting more then friendship with her. Without proof that he actually wants more and is not just cashing in on the fact that Naomi has more free time to be his friend then there is no "wrong" being done.

 

I would like to err on the side of caution and just assume he is in love with me. What is the worst that can happen if I assume that? If he wants something romantic and I lessen the frequency, the less likely he will become attached and his feelings are spared. If he doesn't want something romantic and I lessen the frequency, he wouldn't care because we are friends anyways.

 

Win-win situation.

[Naomi99]

It's called taking the road higher than the high road.

Or being the biggest of bigger people. (In which case, doctor2 wins. Damn, what a double entendre!)

[Naomi99]

This. And he knows everything that happened in that relationship with doc1 which makes me feel kinda naked.

[abitbroken]

This. And he knows everything that happened in that relationship with doc1 which makes me feel kinda naked.

 

Yes! That is why we shouldn't confide the deep details of our relationships with male friends or rely on male friends for emotional support. It is one thing to be one of the guys and go for a beer with the gang and consider all those guys your buds, but having people like your ex husband who you confide who "knows you best" and this doc2 guy and others, you are opening up your playbook, you are inviting them into emotional intimacy with you, etc., which can ultimately interefere with finding a good, honest, relationship that you WANT to be in because a guy knows how to play you - or you are not investing in the RIGHT new guy because you are weeping on the shoulders of these other dudes.

[Naomi99]

Yes! That is why we shouldn't confide the deep details of our relationships with male friends or rely on male friends for emotional support. It is one thing to be one of the guys and go for a beer with the gang and consider all those guys your buds, but having people like your ex husband who you confide who "knows you best" and this doc2 guy and others, you are opening up your playbook, you are inviting them into emotional intimacy with you, etc., which can ultimately interefere with finding a good, honest, relationship that you WANT to be in because a guy knows how to play you - or you are not investing in the RIGHT new guy because you are weeping on the shoulders of these other dudes.

 

To be fair, I never viewed him as a romantic partner or that he would ever pursue me…and he said some intimate stuff about his divorce so I felt safe revealing my revelations. He doesn't know about the parking and driving home thing though. He just knows doc1 told me if I want a more serious boyfriend, I should date (or whatever it was that he said.)

[Naomi99]

Yes! That is why we shouldn't confide the deep details of our relationships with male friends or rely on male friends for emotional support.

 

I will never ever do this again.

[abitbroken]

I would like to err on the side of caution and just assume he is in love with me. What is the worst that can happen if I assume that? If he wants something romantic and I lessen the frequency, the less likely he will become attached and his feelings are spared. If he doesn't want something romantic and I lessen the frequency, he wouldn't care because we are friends anyways.

 

Win-win situation.

 

Why all the speculation?

 

What do YOU want? Are you into this dude? Or are we going to get another post in a few months about not liking manboobs again? If you want to date this dude, be honest. If you do NOT want to date this dude - be honest. he is your friend, right? You can tell him "look Doc Dude, as much as Europe is tempting, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea..." Before you start to get strong feelings for him that you don't want. If you really really want this guy, you can take it slow and not sleep with him anytime soon.

[abitbroken]

To be fair, I never viewed him as a romantic partner or that he would ever pursue me…and he said some intimate stuff about his divorce so I felt safe revealing my revelations. He doesn't know about the parking and driving home thing though. He just knows doc1 told me if I want a more serious boyfriend, I should date (or whatever it was that he said.)

 

How long has he been divorced???

 

Intimate details about his divorce was not something he should have told you, either.

 

But that aside, if he knows Doc1 told you to go out and date - and now Doc2 is pursuing you with that knowledge and you aren't saying no .....well??

 

If a guy told me "well...since I want a more serious girlfriend I really should go out and date." depending on who it came from, he might be feeling me out to see what I thought. If when you told him that you should date and this guy started upping the heat - then maybe he interpreted the same?

[abitbroken]

I will never ever do this again.

 

Good That's what girlfriends and counselors and ENA is for.

[Naomi99]

Why all the speculation?

 

 

Okay. Then with zero speculation, the best choice for ME would be to lessen the frequency.

 

He hasn't brought up Europe since the first time he said it. He was probably drunk when he said it, and here I am making mountains out of….

 

I didn't respond to his text about that new restaurant opening that I really really really want to go to, and he texted again asking where I am and if I want to go.

 

I do want to go, but this frequency is ridiculous. I just saw him last night!!

 

Sigh. I miss the good old days when doc1 used to keep me at a distance.

[Naomi99]

How long has he been divorced???

 

Six years ago. I think it was finalized about four years ago right before we first met.

 

 

 

But that aside, if he knows Doc1 told you to go out and date - and now Doc2 is pursuing you with that knowledge and you aren't saying no .....well??

 

If a guy told me "well...since I want a more serious girlfriend I really should go out and date." depending on who it came from, he might be feeling me out to see what I thought. If when you told him that you should date and this guy started upping the heat - then maybe he interpreted the same?

 

He never tried to kiss me or hold my hand or anything. It's been almost like siblings hanging out. He's like a big teddy bear that I can do anything to and he won't get mad.

 

The other night we were out to dinner and he kept getting phone calls from this homeless guy who he was treating. He forgot to leave him something at the volunteer clinic and felt really really bad. I said "We can drive to his house and drop it off after dinner." And he said, "No…he's homeless. He lives on the street." And then I said, "Well, then we can just leave it on the street and he'll find it." And he looked at me in shock and said "YOURE TERRIBLE!!!" but then started laughing like a hyena and what I said wasn't even that funny. It was awful. I can say anything and he doesn't get mad.

[Naomi99]

There was another guy that pursued you before who you rejected because he was too attentive, was moving too fast.

 

Oh yeah, that guy. You have a great memory!!! You want to hear something crazy?

 

Remember after I broke up with the doctor, all I wanted was an apology from him? Well, a few days after I broke up with him, I got an email from the "too attentive" guy apologizing for his behavior while we were together. And we have been out of touch for over a year!! So I did get an apology letter, but it was from the wrong guy, as always.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

I had a similar situation after I had my divorce. I had a long standing male friend of 8 years. One of my acquaintances (who does not know either one of us well) told me when I was still married that she thought this guy had a crush on me. I ignored her primarily because she was not close to me and also because he was not visibly hitting on me.

 

Fast forward several years and my divorce is complete. Within a year of this divorce my male friend started inviting me the same way your friend did (I avoided or refused). He also would text me almost daily and compliment my looks or my intelligence.

 

One day I was down (not about my divorce, but other matters) he went in for the kill by inviting me over to his place to help me 'forget' about my troubles. The sirens went off and I steered him to a lunch outing and made sure it was dutch. He disappeared for awhile and then came back with compliments. I had to be more direct and told him I was out of the dating market and told him what type of man I was looking for if I did start dating which was nothing like him.

 

To nail the coffin shut I told him of a man I was crushing on and he finally backed off. I'm certain that he will always be there for me as a friend, but sometimes men (even nice men) will try to capitalize on what they perceive as our vulnerability hoping they can get a chance. My friend is a good man BUT he is not my physical type and also does not hold any of my core values. His lifestyle is not compatible with mine.

 

I think if you know yourself better. Know your core values, your deal breakers and what you want out of life you would KNOW what to do with this friend of yours. Taking a break and not having men involved in your life and going within and figuring out what you are truly about would help you cope with your issue.

 

We are still friends but the contact has dropped considerably and he have contact from time to time without getting broaching that arena again.