Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?

[Hermes]

So, the point of 325 posts is......?

[mhowe]

"Until the subject comes up". Perhaps OPs friends are similar in their value system and outlook to OP.

[tiredofvampires]

And close mutual friend knows that you've turned down get-togethers multiple times in the last 48 hours and that has only caused him to redouble his efforts, bordering on pestering and cajoling?

 

No, a lonely, likely affection-starved man with a charming woman who bakes the perfect tortes by his side who he knows to have a "wildly sexual" side has absolutely NO interest in her beyond friendship.

 

That makes sense. All the sense in the world, because she is a close (married, so off the market, maybe long enough off the market to have forgotten) friend.

 

Suspect line in infallible friend's advice:

 

She said "No, he's just lonely and enjoys your company. Go have fun and keep him company. You're both not doing anything."

 

What in god's name does that mean?

 

It's meaningless baloney.

[Hermes]

Yes!

 

It's meaningless baloney.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh for goodness sakes.

 

Naomi. I'd go nuts reading all this speculation. Only you know what is acutally going on with him and if you really think that he is trying to win you over as his girlfriend then back the bleep off if you don't want to be his girlfriend. Or: Ask him outright and put an end to the shinanigans.

 

In the meantime, if you find out that he was only trying to get you into another casual, sexual relationship then you have just found out that he is not "friend."

 

I will say one thing: You know how to host a thread. They're like Ever Ready Batteries... they just keep on going.

[Naomi99]

I think he was dating someone off/on within the last few years but I don't know the specifics. I never met her, just heard of her. I asked my GF what happened and she said she doesn't know. I vaguely remember asking him about her while I was with doc1, and him shooing me away like he didn't want to talk about her, so I didn't pry. I got the sense it failed. That's all I know about his dating history.

[tiredofvampires]

"Until the subject comes up". Perhaps OPs friends are similar in their value system and outlook to OP.

 

Yes. Sometimes for the subject to "come up", you have to BRING IT UP.

[saluk]

Yep, saying your too busy with work to go to a ball game definitely doesn't make it clear that you meant to turn him down altogether. I mean, it's like 75% clear "Well you need to eat" is entirely as true and without double meanings as "I'm busy with work".

[ThatwasThen]

Naomi. I'd go nuts reading all this speculation. Only you know what is acutally going on with him and if you really think that he is trying to win you over as his girlfriend then back the bleep off if you don't want to be his girlfriend. Or: Ask him outright and put an end to the shinanigans.

 

In the meantime, if you find out that he was only trying to get you into another casual, sexual relationship then you have just found out that he is not "friend."

 

I will say one thing: You know how to host a thread. They're like Ever Ready Batteries... they just keep on going.

[browneyedgirl36]

I already told him I can't make it tonight to BB game and then he said well, meet me at restaurant instead.

 

I already said no last night and no to tonight. He thinks because the venue of bb stadium has changed to new restaurant, I'll suddenly say yes?

 

He is pushing it and becoming annoying.

 

Because he wants to date you. He's clearly interested in you as more than a friend (the possibly-drunken Europe comment notwithstanding because, frankly, I think it means very little in the big picture -- his ACTIONS are telling you that he wants to date you.)

 

I can't fathom seeing someone several times a week, doing date-like things, if I wasn't dating him.

 

Here's my take on things, for what it's worth (and it may get lost among the 33 pages this thread has gone so far):

 

He's clearly interested in you as more than a friend. NO man is going to invite a woman to dinner, baseball games, other events several times a week if he weren't. Enough said on that.

 

You are unsure as to whether you want to date him. To me, that means you probably don't. If you had JUST met him, I'd say give it a bit more time to let the attraction/chemistry build (or not). But...You've known him for four years. In my humble opinion, if it's not there now, it never will be.

 

I think you're telling yourself you *should* want to date him because he's a good guy, fun to be around, etc. The bottom line is, though, that *should* want to date him doesn't equal *DO* want to date him. I think you might be trying to force yourself to develop attraction/feelings because you think you should -- particularly in the wake of the "Doctor #1" thing.

 

I may get flak for this one, but....I don't see anyone as a victim here. At all. I see him pulling out a bunch of stops to win you over (that's his choice -- he can choose to tone it down a bit and not be so persistent and have such expectations) and you enjoying the attention and the nice change of pace from Mr. Unavailable Doctor #1, and I don't feel you're being manipulated/controlled at all. In this case, everyone's an adult, everyone is making choices that make him or her feel good. In my book, no one's getting played or taken advantage of or anything. Now, if he came right out and said to you, "Naomi, I really like (love?!) you an want us to be together," and you told him "Nope," but continued to date him, let him take you to all these nice places, several times per week, doing girlfriend-y things (like having sex with him, which I'm pretty sure you're not doing right now, unless I missed something) etc., I'd say you were being unfair. By the same token, if he told you he just wanted to be friends and hang out sometimes and every time you did hang out he tried to put the moves on you, declared his feelings, etc., I'd say he was being a bit unfair. As the scenario stands, though, I don't think this is the case.

 

I would submit that I think MAYBE you should back off from this guy. I think maybe it's a bit too soon after Doctor #1 for you to be contemplating a new guy (just my opinion), and that maybe you need a bit of a break to avoid making a rash decision (whether that rash decision is to cut him off completely or date him when you don't really feel attraction to him). I'm not sure that telling him you want to be friends while continuing this level of contact is a good idea, either.

 

Anyway...I may have missed something (I read about the first 275 posts or so but haven't read all the most recent ones -- I can't keep up!) but these are my thoughts based on what I've read.

[Naomi99]

And close mutual friend knows that you've turned down get-togethers multiple times in the last 48 hours and that has only caused him to redouble his efforts, bordering on pestering and cajoling?

.

 

NO!! She doesn't know about that part and I won't tell her. I don't want to talk badly about him toward a mutual friend.

 

This part is between me and him; not her.

[browneyedgirl36]

Naomi. I'd go nuts reading all this speculation. Only you know what is acutally going on with him and if you really think that he is trying to win you over as his girlfriend then back the bleep off if you don't want to be his girlfriend. Or: Ask him outright and put an end to the shinanigans.

 

In the meantime, if you find out that he was only trying to get you into another casual, sexual relationship then you have just found out that he is not "friend."

 

I will say one thing: You know how to host a thread. They're like Ever Ready Batteries... they just keep on going.

 

I should have read ahead before I posted. This pretty much says most of what I said, but much more succinctly!

[tiredofvampires]

I think he was dating someone off/on within the last few years but I don't know the specifics. I never met her, just heard of her. I asked my GF what happened and she said she doesn't know. I vaguely remember asking him about her while I was with doc1, and him shooing me away like he didn't want to talk about her, so I didn't pry. I got the sense it failed. That's all I know about his dating history.

 

So maybe he didn't want to broadcast his disappointment and feeling rejected -- AND, he didn't want to utterly friendzone himself with you talking about his other prospects.

 

Clues. All clues of how he wanted you to perceive him as a man. And I'm sure there were zillions of others along the way.

[ThatwasThen]

I can't fathom seeing someone several times a week, doing date-like things, if I wasn't dating him.

I do date-like things with my female friends several times a week when time permits so why would it be different for a male friend? A male friend who has never made a romantic move on you?

[tiredofvampires]

NO!! She doesn't know about that part and I won't tell her. I don't want to talk badly about him toward a mutual friend.

 

This part is between me and him; not her.

 

So then we can deduce that your friend knows less than we do, and might therefore have less of an accurate impression.

[ThatwasThen]

So then we can deduce that your friend knows less than we do, and might therefore have less of an accurate impression.

 

No you cannot deduce that from the simple fact that the friend does not know that one fact. Gah!

[browneyedgirl36]

I do date-like things with my female friends several times a week when time permits so why would it be different for a male friend? A male friend who has never made a romantic move on you?

 

I don't know. I don't generally have that much time to spend with female friends in one week, either, but I guess because there's no potential for anything romantic between me and my female friends -- I know none of them is interested in me. (I mean, I suppose one of them COULD be, but in my current group of friends, the only lesbians are already attached and have no interest in me!) Perhaps it's because, in my experience, no man has ever wanted to spend that much time with me and just wanted to be friends; if a man has asked me out more than once in a week, he's wanted to date me, and I've never experienced otherwise. I suppose that it could be different for others, though.

[tiredofvampires]

I do date-like things with my female friends several times a week when time permits so why would it be different for a male friend? A male friend who has never made a romantic move on you?

 

I LOVE the fact that you're so willing to give the benefit of the doubt, and always are so sensible with your posts. I am huge on the "make no assumptions before full evidence is in" approach. I almost wonder if you work in the field of criminal defense. Haha (kidding).

 

But in this case, we are dealing with a certain man with a certain pretty clear-to-read profile, as it's been presented, so some inferences being made here are fairly wisely informed. I don't think it takes a a huge leap of extrapolation to presume at this point that this man would not turn Naomi down if she were presented to him in his bedchambers.

 

And I don't see this as speculation at this point. The advice now is to actually TALK to this man and move this past the rumination stage, based on what we might well suspect is occurring.

[ThatwasThen]

How did you know that these "friends" (4 year friend for Naomi) wanted to date you, Brown?

[Naomi99]

So then we can deduce that your friend knows less than we do, and might therefore have less of an accurate impression.

 

Very possible.

 

With handheld devices and satellites, the ladies of ENA basically have a minute-by-minute play of these events.

 

My GF does not, and I'm treading very lightly with what I volunteer to her because of her and her husband's association with him as well.

[Hermes]

LOL. Browneyed:

 

"Perhaps it's because, in my experience, no man has ever wanted to spend that much time with me and just wanted to be friends; "

 

Yeh. Same here.

[ThatwasThen]

Very possible.

 

With handheld devices and satellites, the ladies of ENA basically have a minute-by-minute play of these events.

 

My GF does not, and I'm treading very lightly with what I volunteer to her because of their association with him as well.

How do you know that he hasn't talked to her and told her that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend?

[mhowe]

Very possible.

 

With handheld devices and satellites, the ladies of ENA basically have a minute-by-minute play of these events.

 

My GF does not, and I'm treading very lightly with what I volunteer to her because of her and her husband's association with him as well.

 

 

Like the "baby Huey" comments?

[ThatwasThen]

LOL. Browneyed:

 

"Perhaps it's because, in my experience, no man has ever wanted to spend that much time with me and just wanted to be friends; "

 

Yeh. Same here.

Then I ask you the same: How did you know that they wanted to be more then your friend? Did they tell yo that? Did they make a romantic move on you? Did you just assume that they did?

[Naomi99]

No you cannot deduce that from the simple fact that the friend does not know that one fact. Gah!

 

GF probably has an accurate reading on his personality and our dynamics more than you gals do.

 

You gals have an more accurate (well, my side of the story anyway) representation of the events themselves.