Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?

[Naomi99]

are you forced into being used by him? to say that you find no secondary benefits in this "unfair to you" situation that you're prolonging...yeah, i don't think i can comment on that on a respectable forum.

 

Am I forcing him to ask me out? To say that he finds no secondary benefits in this "unfair to him" situation that he's prolonging…..

You can apply the exact same thing to him! He knows I was in love with doc1 only a few weeks ago. Is he preying on someone who is vulnerable after a breakup? How is this all my fault? I haven't treated him any differently nor has he treated me any differently except that we talk all the time now instead of our typical few times a month.

[Ms Darcy]

You've been self admittedly shallow and it it's netted you great but painful flings. If you want to focus on looks and sexual attraction, you can do that. If you want to be with a really great guy you can do that too.

 

I'm not sure why but it seems like the predominate advice with regard to relationships here. "Just find someone you're sexually attracted to and start plowing them and then hope that they turn out not to be a lousy effing human being". Sounds like a really great way to get more people here on enotalone mourning the end of a relationship that they probably never should have been in in the first place.

 

I don't think one needs to find someone you are attracted to and start plowing them ... Maybe others do though. I do think, however, that if you find someone unattractive and overweight that might be beyond the threshold of "wiggle room" to become attractive. I would not want anyone to try to find me attractive (which is different from being attracted to someone.)

 

Frankly, I'd say take some space to get over Doctor 1, and think about what is is you truly value and not just what gives you the tingles (unless I guess the tingles are what you value). Then you can decide whether Doctor #2 has the things you value or not.

 

I think that's a good idea.

[RainyCoast]

there's a way to test what you feel about this. there absolutely is. you renounce all the privileges, all, including the emotional safety net ones. if, after a while, you want him- as a proper partner, you ask him out on a date.

 

if you're so defensive about the situation being his fault, then maybe fault is the term to investigate for yourself. can you accept someone as an actual partner if you're feeling faulted by them?

[Fudgie]

He knows I was in love with doc1 only a few weeks ago. Is he preying on someone who is vulnerable after a breakup? How is this all my fault? I haven't treated him any differently nor has he treated me any differently except that we talk all the time now instead of our typical few times a month.

 

Oh, absolutely, he really swooped in and did the "vulture" move when he knew you were vulnerable and hurting. That's on him, absolutely. It's not 100% your fault or anything.

 

However, you know that he likes you romantically and is pursuing you, so despite not feeling the same, you're choosing to go along with it, to let him spend his money taking you out to all these places, etc. That's on you.

 

If you were a man and saw that one of your attractive, desirable female friends was suddenly single and you liked her, what would you do? How would you feel if you found out that she willingly went on tons of dates with you but she really thought you were unattractive and didn't want to date you?

[Naomi99]

It's good that you are starting to see beyond looks. Really, it is. However, some attraction is important. It's needed. And that's where I think this is unfair. I've never been that picky on looks because what's inside is more important but I found every single one of my exes attractive in their own way. I have a wide range of what I find attractive.

 

The more I hang out with him and see how kind he is as a person to me and others, the less of his physical flaws I see. And that is becoming attractive to me.

 

 

Learning to appreciate and search for a good partner on the inside does not mean that you forgo the issue of attraction, or let yourself be wined and dined on end by someone that you're not romantically into, hoping that you'll change your mind. It means that you look for good internal qualities, first and foremost, and expand your definition of attraction.

 

This whole situation has only arisen within the past few weeks, so I haven't really considered him romantically until we've been spending all this time together. It entered my mind he could be trying to get into my pants or does he really care about me. That's why I posted here.

 

I agree with TMifune, I would take some time out and re-evaluate and I would cut back significantly on this guy as he's clearly all in and you don't feel the same way.

 

I don't know if he's all in! How can it be so apparent to all of you and I'm still guessing? And yes, I do have girlfriends who text me all day about an event the next day. He's NOT saying things like "Oh my sweet love, you're so beautiful and I miss you." Nothing like that. It's all very silly and friendly.

[Naomi99]

there's a way to test what you feel about this. there absolutely is. you renounce all the privileges, all, including the emotional safety net ones. if, after a while, you want him- as a proper partner, you ask him out on a date.

 

if you're so defensive about the situation being his fault, then maybe fault is the term to investigate for yourself. can you accept someone as an actual partner if you're feeling faulted by them?

 

I never said it was his fault or anyone's fault. There is no fault to be placed. It is what it is. But to say I'm being unfair to him is simply untrue. If that's the case, he's just as unfair as I am.

[Naomi99]

I don't think one needs to find someone you are attracted to and start plowing them ... Maybe others do though. I do think, however, that if you find someone unattractive and overweight that might be beyond the threshold of "wiggle room" to become attractive. I would not want anyone to try to find me attractive (which is different from being attracted to someone.).

 

1. He could lose the weight if he wanted to.

2. He could groom himself if he wanted to.

 

I'm not going to do any of that. I'm not changing anyone. I like him for his personality. If he wanted to become physically attractive, it is within his power. There is plenty of wiggle room.

[Ms Darcy]

1. He could lose the weight if he wanted to.

2. He could groom himself if he wanted to.

 

I'm not going to do any of that. I'm not changing anyone. I like him for his personality. If he wanted to become physically attractive, it is within his power. There is plenty of wiggle room.

 

I think your post about wanting sex with doctor 1 and going out with doctor 2 says it all. He's just a friend to you.

[Naomi99]

I think your post about wanting sex with doctor 1 and going out with doctor 2 says it all. He's just a friend to you.

 

 

I will always want sex with Doc1 even when I'm 90 years old and have been through 4 husbands.

[Naomi99]

He's just a friend to you.

 

This is 100 percent correct because:

 

1. It has not been established we are a couple.

2. He has not made any physical moves or spoken words of desire to me.

3. We have been friends for four years without any hint of anything more….until last few weeks we've been seeing each other more frequently.

[Fudgie]

Why would he say romantic things to you? He has no idea how you feel about him. You have to look at actions, not words. He isn't sure if you like him so he's not going to risk scaring you off by verbalizing feelings. Look at the actions. He's talking to you all the time, he's paying for you all the time, taking you out tons, cmon.

 

This is what men do when they are interested!

 

It is definitely within his power to become more attractive. That could be said for anyone. But will he change? Who knows. But you have have to take him at face value, for what he is now, and judge based on that. You can't consider the potential for change because that's never a sure thing.

 

I can say for me, personally, id feel pretty crappy if the guy I'm dating thought "well, she's fat and unattractive to me but she's so nice and fun. maaaybe if I give it more time, I'll get over it and develop feelings." Ick.

[Helpexpressme]

Hi love how are you.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to get hooked up with this guy. You could break his heart unintentionally and I do think he holds a torch for you, more than friendship.

[Naomi99]

 

However, you know that he likes you romantically and is pursuing you, so despite not feeling the same, you're choosing to go along with it, to let him spend his money taking you out to all these places, etc. That's on you.

I really do not know if he likes me romantically for sure, or is lonely, or is a caring friend. No matter how much you guys say it is obvious, I still have doubts. How come he hasn't tried to kiss me or make a move? Why is he treating me the exact same as he has these past four years, with the exception of the frequency with which we see each other? And if I offer every single time to pay and he turns it down, that is on HIM, not me.

 

If you were a man and saw that one of your attractive, desirable female friends was suddenly single and you liked her, what would you do? How would you feel if you found out that she willingly went on tons of dates with you but she really thought you were unattractive and didn't want to date you?

 

If I was male and my attractive female friend was going through a tough time, I'd be there for her as much as I could, but I certainly wouldn't be placing expectations on her as she's healing and getting back on her feet. Honestly. Ulterior motives to swoop in on her? No, I wouldn't behave in that fashion, and that's why I have my doubts about him wanting a relationship with me.

[Naomi99]

I can say for me, personally, id feel pretty crappy if the guy I'm dating thought "well, she's fat and unattractive to me but she's so nice and fun. maaaybe if I give it more time, I'll get over it and develop feelings." Ick.

 

It is not a big secret that he is overweight and not very attractive. He knows this and I'm pretty sure he knows everyone thinks this. It is almost like he wants to be this way…well, just because.

 

He is damned smart. He knows that any woman that falls in love with him will be because of his brains and personality, not looks.

 

That is attractive to me.

[Naomi99]

Hi love how are you.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to get hooked up with this guy. You could break his heart unintentionally and I do think he holds a torch for you, more than friendship.

 

A real relationship or just trying to bang me?

[Helpexpressme]

A real relationship, but maybe he thinks deep down you wouldn't go there. But he's just really trying to be a gentlemen but secretly harboring romantic feelings.

 

You know what i mean?

[Naomi99]

I don't know if I would go there. I like him a lot as a person because for once, I believe he is someone who will genuinely love me and appreciate who I am and treat me right. He pays attention and that is attractive to me.

 

Who knows? I could gain a ton of weight in the next couple of years too, and what if he loses weight? Then I'll be SOL and missed an opportunity to be with someone who cherishes me.

[boltnrun]

I admit to being confused, Naomi.

 

The title of this thread is "Is he being a good friend or attempting to seduce me?" And when every single person who responded says they think he is romantically interested in you, you keep insisting "but what if he isn't?"

 

You asked for opinions and we all gave them, but you seem to be rejecting those opinions...or at least trying to argue that they may not be correct. Hence my confusion. You asked, we gave answers, you don't seem to be accepting them. It's becoming a circular argument.

 

I believe he is interested in you romantically.

[Naomi99]

Okay. He likes me.

 

Think maybe I am in denial that someone can be romantically interested in me, and yet not make any moves, physically or verbally, for this long.

[Naomi99]

Christ, this post already has a thousand views????? It was only created this afternoon.

[boltnrun]

People are interested.

 

Ok, so he hasn't made a move. It could be because he's afraid to compete with the other doctor (if you've shared with him tales of the amazing, phenomenal, earth-shaking sexual experience you had with Other Doc). Or, he might think it's too soon to make a move. Or maybe he thinks it's ungentlemanly to take a flying leap onto you.

 

But, he is interested. He's doing all these things for you in the hopes you'll eventually feel the same way. Maybe you complained about how Other Doc treated you (with careless disregard) and he's trying to be the opposite in the hopes you'll realize he's so much better for you.

 

I quoted a post you made earlier about how you're sure you're NOT in love with him. That's all that needs to be said.

 

If you want him as a friend, please find a way to make it clear to him. I highly recommend you DON'T play experiment with him, trying to see if you can eventually develop physical attraction to him because he can get badly hurt if you determine you can't feel that way toward him.

[ballerinababe]

In the 4 years that you've known him, were you ever single, and had he ever before treated you like this (i.e., with apparent romantic intentions)? The timing is odd. Was he recently divorced and does he have kids?

 

Years ago I tried to make it work with a great guy on paper. He wasn't even unattractive, but I wasn't particularly attracted to him... I had just gotten out of a crazy relationship similar to the one you had with doctor1, and I decided that I wanted stability with a nice man who treated me really well, even if it came at the expense of less physical chemistry. He ended up proposing and after about a 10-month engagement I felt I couldn't go through with it and called it off. He was crushed , we haven't see each other since.

 

I think if I could do it all over again I would marry him (but he's married with a kid now). For me at this age, stability and contentment are preferential to unpredictable emotional waves of intense excitement and misery. I think you should give this guy a chance, but only if you clear the air and cut through this ambiguous courtship.

 

When does the European getaway happen? Will you stay in separate rooms?

[Naomi99]

In the 4 years that you've known him, were you ever single, and had he ever before treated you like this (i.e., with apparent romantic intentions)? The timing is odd. Was he recently divorced and does he have kids?

 

He has always treated me this way. It's been friendly, and if there are romantic undertones, it wouldn't be farfetched to say I was blind to it, as you can tell I am often oblivious. He'd invite me to see a movie, symphony, dinner. But it was a handful of times a year mainly to catch up. He would text me several times a month just to say hi. We have many mutual friends and would see each other through them. I really cannot remember if he picked up the bill back then or not, but he has been this past month. He has no kids and divorce was five years ago. I have been single off and on for the last three years, and I cannot remember if the times we hung out I had a BF or not.

 

 

 

Years ago I tried to make it work with a great guy on paper. He wasn't even unattractive, but I wasn't particularly attracted to him... I had just gotten out of a crazy relationship similar to the one you had with doctor1, and I decided that I wanted stability with a nice man who treated me really well, even if it came at the expense of less physical chemistry. He ended up proposing and after about a 10-month engagement I felt I couldn't go through with it and called it off. He was crushed , we haven't see each other since.

 

I think if I could do it all over again I would marry him (but he's married with a kid now). For me at this age, stability and contentment are preferential to unpredictable emotional waves of intense excitement and misery. I think you should give this guy a chance, but only if you clear the air and cut through this ambiguous courtship.

 

When does the European getaway happen? Will you stay in separate rooms?

 

I agree with everything you say here. Sexual chemistry and attraction are sliding further down on my list of priorities because of the mercurial moods that often accompany love hormones. I do not have the tolerance for dealing with a heavy heart anymore.

 

Stability, a good attitude and treating me well are much more important.

 

The European getaway may never happen. It was something that was said by him (maybe drunkenly) that gave rise to my suspicion that he may be using my breakup to comfort me as a way to seduce me. The trip hasn't been mentioned again, and I won't bring it up unless he does.

 

I also will not "clear the air" with the ambiguity of his courtship. If he is interested in where I stand, he can step up to the plate and ask me, just like everyone here advised me to do with Doc1 and others on this board are advised to do when they are interested in another person!

[Naomi99]

People are interested..

It's sooo boring!!

 

But, he is interested. He's doing all these things for you in the hopes you'll eventually feel the same way. Maybe you complained about how Other Doc treated you (with careless disregard) and he's trying to be the opposite in the hopes you'll realize he's so much better for you.

 

This is what scares the crap out of me. He knows how I never initiated anything with the doctor. He knows I take a passive approach and hate chasing men. He knows the doc and I rarely went out and my frustration with the parking…he knows all of that because I was venting to him as a friend, rightfully so because that's what he is!

 

One time he took me out (as friends) while I had been dating the doctor for a while, and he goes "Does the doc mind that I'm taking you out?" I said, "No. He doesn't give a flying-f what I do." And I remember him going, "Wow. He's stupid. He's going to regret letting you slip away so easily." I remember that night, he'd done more for me that single night than the doctor had in the entire time we'd been together. I think I may have posted about that in that loooooong thread about casual relationships.

 

So yes, he's got the cliff notes to what will win my heart.

[Naomi99]

A good friend of mine found out our local symphony would be playing my favorite composer. He bought tickets for us to see tonight. I cried during the performance, not just because it was emotionally moving, but because here this guy is just a good friend, he knows how much I love this composer, and took the time not only to buy the tickets, but to surprise me and accompany me to the show…and he bought dinner too. That's more than the doctor has done all year, really.

 

 

This is a post from that loooong-ass thread, and THAT WAS HIM I was talking about!!!