Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?

[Naomi99]

THIS IS A GREAT POST!!!

 

 

The bottom line is you have to be attracted to someone mentally, emotionally and yes physically enough to want their touch, to want to kiss, and hold hands and do other things. And many times that's a quieter, stronger feeling. And it can develop over time, but it usually happens sooner rather than later.

 

 

In my past relationships, it's always fallen in this order: I become attracted physically, mentally (those two are a close tie), and then finally emotionally. Always been that way, but these types of relationships always ended, some of the breakups nearly killing me.

 

What if I did it the opposite way? Fall in love with someone emotionally, then mentally, then physically? After all, we're all going to gain weight, get old and ugly at some point, right?

 

 

 

And I know it's very hard to quantify the two until you've experienced a difference. The problem with settling for love with no physical attraction is sooner or later you'll leave, because one part of a relationship isn't being fulfilled. And let's face it, if you cringe every time they touch you or want to kiss you that's just not good, no matter how perfect it may seem otherwise, no matter how good they look in theory or on paper or how well they treat you. You want the whole package, not bits and parts here and there scattered between people. You want the guy who treats you well AND who you want to kiss, to touch, to cuddle and do other things with.

 

You've known this guy four years now you said. If you've never looked at him and wondered what it would feel like if he kissed you, if you've never fantasized about him the least little bit then I kind of doubt that's going to happen any time soon, don't you? You need to be very honest with yourself and then you need to be very honest with him about what you want and whether or not this can be something more. But four years in and you're still saying his looks put you off doesn't sound like that's going to change. I once dated a Jack Black look-alike. My first impression of the guy was "Meh." Two conversations later he was the sexiest man in the room and I found his looks endearing and him sexy enough to start something with. Things fell apart later, but I can honestly say it wasn't over his looks at all. He just couldn't stay faithful to me and apparently other women saw the same things in him I did. Oh well, water under the bridge. So it's a combination of the whole package you should be looking for, not "oh this is all good EXCEPT..."

 

I don't even know if he genuinely likes me or not or is just being kind. That's why I posted here. Right now, I'm going to process all of this advice and I guess just let it sit and see what happens.

[Naomi99]

You won't ask him? Going to be more embarrassing when he moves in for the kiss.

 

Tell him you're just friends. If he is, there will be no awkwardness. If he gets indignant, he's not your friend, he's a man romantically interested in you.

 

Should I let him kiss me and see what happens?

 

I cannot even imagine him trying to kiss me.

[Patrick974]

Should I let him kiss me and see what happens?

 

I cannot even imagine him trying to kiss me.

 

If you dont want to, no you shouldnt.

[ParisPaulette]

What if I did it the opposite way? Fall in love with someone emotionally, then mentally, then physically? After all, we're all going to gain weight, get old and ugly at some point, right?

 

But can you do that? That was what my point was. I've been with plenty of men who were not my ideal physically, the point was when I fell for them mentally and emotionally the physical changed from a "Oh, I am not the last bit attracted to you" to "Wow, I cannot wait to get you home." And it did that regardless of everything else and it usually happened fairly soon into knowing them. Not years, not months even, it happened quickly enough for me to go okay yes there's something here. As opposed to "Drat, I wish I could feel something here, but I just can't." Trust me, my best friend and I tried when we were teenagers to start something together. He was a guy and it just seemed at one point as if it would be perfect. But one night we tried to make out and it was just awful, awkward and uncomfortable, and I was never so relieved as when he stopped and said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but kissing you is like kissing a potato. I don't feel anything." And that was that.

 

We were best friends for years until a drunk driver killed him. I loved him dearly and viceversa, but we never felt attracted to each other. Trust me, if we could have it would have been awesome, but it wasn't meant to be. How long do you think you need to keep pumping the gas and trying to start the car when the engine won't turn over and fire up? Also we never did romantic things together again for the same reason. Plus as he put it once "Sorry Paris, but you kind of cramp my style when I'm on the prowl 'cause women think I'm taken and then I can't get anywhere with anyone." We used to joke that I should get a t-shirt made up that said, "I'm his sister, please feel free to ask if my brother is single and looking."

 

The bottom line is you want all of it, not just one part--not just physical, not just emotional, not just mental. All of it. Otherwise why aren't you out there lining up dates with just any old guy who comes along regardless of what you feel for them or don't? Also keep in mind he treats you great now while he's wooing you, but what's his relationship history like? How does he treat people in general? How would he treat you once he had you and the honeymoon was over? There's that to consider too.

[Naomi99]

We were best friends for years until a drunk driver killed him.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. That's so sad…kinda brought tears to my eyes.

[HeartGoesOn]

Naomi...Listen to your gut, and go with the flow. Life is short...

[Naomi99]

He was a guy and it just seemed at one point as if it would be perfect. But one night we tried to make out and it was just awful, awkward and uncomfortable, and I was never so relieved as when he stopped and said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but kissing you is like kissing a potato. I don't feel anything." And that was that.

 

This reminds me of Back to the Future when Marty was trying to make out with his mom in the car before Biff came along.

 

The bottom line is you want all of it, not just one part--not just physical, not just emotional, not just mental. All of it. Otherwise why aren't you out there lining up dates with just any old guy who comes along regardless of what you feel for them or don't? Also keep in mind he treats you great now while he's wooing you, but what's his relationship history like? How does he treat people in general? How would he treat you once he had you and the honeymoon was over? There's that to consider too.

 

I do have dates lined up, but they keep falling though. Honestly I would rather spend time with him because I know him and I enjoy his company and I feel safe with him because we have a history of friendship, which is something that I kinda need right now after dating that other guy. (crutch?)

 

His relationship history..divorced five years ago and hasn't had a GF since then, I don't believe. Maybe little flings here and there, but for the most part he's been devoting his time to developing his practices.

 

What boggles me is that doctor1 is semi-retired and only had time once/twice a week to spend with me. This guy has nearly three practices and constantly asking to hang out. Doctor1, what a tool. Now I believe he had the time but was stingy with it because I wasn't a priority.

[boltnrun]

But what if you try with him, it doesn't work for you, you end the romantic portion of the relationship, he's devastated, and you two are no longer friends? Would it be worth it? Would it be FAIR?

 

I still don't think you can convince yourself to be physically attracted to him. If you haven't wanted to get his clothes off and tear into him after four years...another few months isn't going to magically make it happen.

[Ms Darcy]

Would you be interested in kissing him? In being naked with him? In him being inside you?

 

If you can't get past that, then no point in continuing the dates.

[Naomi99]

But what if you try with him, it doesn't work for you, you end the romantic portion of the relationship, he's devastated

 

Then he can come post here at ENA and get wonderful advice from you guys on how to deal with a broken heart and the art of no contact.

 

I still don't think you can convince yourself to be physically attracted to him. If you haven't wanted to get his clothes off and tear into him after four years...another few months isn't going to magically make it happen.

 

If he continues treating me well the way he has been, being generous with his time and texts and money and intellectually stimulating, it might happen. He deserves me more than doctor1 ever did. I just hope this isn't a game he's playing to "win" me because he's got the cliff notes to my heart and he feels he wants to compete with doctor1.

 

Anyway, the more unattractive and overweight he is, the more skinny and pretty it makes me look.

 

I'm not even 100 percent sure if he likes me or not….this is pretty much all speculation. He could be using me so people don't think he's gay, for all I know. (not that there's anything wrong with that.)

[boltnrun]

But hasn't he been that way for four years and you haven't wanted to get naked with him?

 

Do you think a few more months will make you suddenly want to see him naked and have sex with him?

 

I think he wants to prove he's the right one for you. But Naomi, please don't break his heart. If you don't feel it you don't. Don't get his hopes up. He seems so nice, plus don't forget you too deserve someone you truly love.

[Naomi99]

But hasn't he been that way for four years and you haven't wanted to get naked with him?

 

I was always seeing someone else or fresh out of a breakup, so I never gave it too much thought. For four years, we saw each other maybe six, seven times a year; texted three, four times a month or so.

 

This is the first time where it's been texting every day, multiple times, making arrangements to meet up (he does all the planning, btw.)

 

Do you think a few more months will make you suddenly want to see him naked and have sex with him?

 

I don't know. I didn't think I would ever have the strength to break up with doctor1, but I did. Who knows what will happen? I can tell you this…the more I see him and he treats me nice, the more I like him. But if we were to compare him to doctor1, his smell is off and the wild passionate desire to kiss him all over is missing. But doctor1 couldn't even save me a parking spot, remember that? He didn't deserve any of that GF treatment.

 

I think he wants to prove he's the right one for you. But Naomi, please don't break his heart. If you don't feel it you don't. Don't get his hopes up. He seems so nice, plus don't forget you too deserve someone you truly love.

 

I don't know what I feel at all. I have never been treated this well by someone….maybe my first long-term ex, but I'm older now and know what will make me happy. I already know I love him, but I am definitely NOT in love.

[Naomi99]

Would you be interested in kissing him? In being naked with him? In him being inside you?

 

I don't know and I don't know and I don't know.

 

Seems so shallow to say no, no, no because he's physically unattractive when he has a very kind heart.

[boltnrun]

I already know I love him, but I am definitely NOT in love.

 

This says it all.

[Naomi99]

He's out of town and has already texted me 10 times about plans for some dinner we are attending tomorrow night. (with a group of people)

 

I am going to just be. Let things happen naturally.

 

We took a day trip last week, listening to a broadway play in the car, and I sang the entire album (men's parts too in a deep voice) and I didn't care what I sounded like. It was sooo funny…he was laughing and laughing. I had my shoes off and my bare feet were hanging out of the window. It just felt comfortable. I cannot ever imagine doing that with doctor1 in a million years. He would say "Sweetie, would you like to take singing lessons?" or "Sweetie, maybe you shouldn't hang your feet out the window. They might get chopped off."

 

My ideal situation would be to bang doctor1 on a regular basis while accompanying doctor2 gallivanting about town to his functions.

 

Don't think I have the conscience to behave deceptively like that, though.

[Naomi99]

He may not even like me, for all I know!

 

I'm probably freaking out over nothing, as usual.

[boltnrun]

Um, yeah, he likes you.

 

I don't think he's trying to "seduce" you, but no man puts that much energy into a woman unless he's trying to win her over.

[Fudgie]

He think he definitely likes you. And on paper, he's a great partner. But you're not attracted and you're not interested in him. I've met people who would be great for me but they are not for me because I'm not attracted or we just don't jive. I remember meeting a guy in my freshman year of college (I wasn't attracted) who I am still friends with today, and he was open wirh me: he was frustrated because he loved my personality and our banter but physically, he wasn't attracted. I said hey, who cares, we are friends! But obviously it would never work out and you should never force things.

 

Please cool it off with him if you don't want to be with him. Stop accepting the invites. Let it cool off. He's clearly very into you. It's unethical, on your part, to keep accepting the invites and attention when you do not feel the same. Please don't waste his time.

[Ms Darcy]

^Gotta agree with Fudgie that it's unethical to keep accepting dates if you are not interested in him at this time. Slow down on the dates and pay your share of the bill despite his insistence.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know and I don't know and I don't know.

 

Seems so shallow to say no, no, no because he's physically unattractive when he has a very kind heart.

 

There's your answer. Anything less than a yes is a no.

[Naomi99]

I don't know if I like him or not. I haven't given it a chance and he does not annoy me. That is saying a lot.

 

What if I gave it a chance and we became the happiest couple in the world?

 

And he never ever said he was interested so how do I know these are dates or we are just friends? If I say something and he says otherwise I will be so embarrassed. I think the best thing to do is just have a good time until he tries to make a move. If u am feeling into it at that point then cool. If not, then tell him. He knows I was in love with the doctor just a few weeks ago. He has to be responsible for his actions too, just like I was with mine when doctor1 wouldn't save me a parking spot.

[Naomi99]

Also I do not even know if r likes me for sure!! What if he is multi dating? Until I know, it is probably best to sit still until he does something

[TMifune]

ARGH!

 

Attraction is not some mysterious force that comes from outer space. It's not either "there or it isn't there". Attraction is a direct byproduct of the things that you value in a member of the opposite sex. So when you say "there's no physical attraction" what you're really saying is "I value appearance more highly than character".

 

Naomi, you're at a crossroads. You've been self admittedly shallow and it it's netted you great but painful flings. If you want to focus on looks and sexual attraction, you can do that. If you want to be with a really great guy you can do that too.

 

I'm not sure why but it seems like the predominate advice with regard to relationships here. "Just find someone you're sexually attracted to and start plowing them and then hope that they turn out not to be a lousy effing human being". Sounds like a really great way to get more people here on enotalone mourning the end of a relationship that they probably never should have been in in the first place.

 

Well, you're welcome to do that if you want, but there comes a point where the sympathy dries up. You know, after you're burned by the fourth or fifth really hot but kinda lousy person, maybe you outta think about your selection mechanism?

 

Attraction can be built through appreciation for the qualities that someone has, but constantly telling yourself that someone doesn't have quality H is going to undermine any attraction because you're focused on the negative. It has everything to do with your mindset and that means it's entirely in your control.

 

"In Love" is almost always used to describe infatuation. Drawing the distinction sounds to me like exactly what someone who'd come in here 1.5 years after the start of their relationship and say "I love him, but I'm not in-love with him" would do. Well, the infatuation wears off, that's normal so what you're really trying to figure out is:

 

Is this someone I could build a good and full-filling life with? (Where sex is part of a fulfilling life)

 

Frankly, I'd say take some space to get over Doctor 1, and think about what is is you truly value and not just what gives you the tingles (unless I guess the tingles are what you value). Then you can decide whether Doctor #2 has the things you value or not.

[ParisPaulette]

My ideal situation would be to bang doctor1 on a regular basis while accompanying doctor2 gallivanting about town to his functions.

 

Don't think I have the conscience to behave deceptively like that, though.

 

And this is what I was warning you against. You cannot compartmentalize your life like that. You want the person who is all of those things. Honestly, you just answered your own question with this comment. You aren't romantically attracted to your friend and never will be. Plus yeah, three practices and all this effort and time spent on you? Nope, he does not just see you as a friend.

 

Just don't use him and don't break his heart. As your friend you at least owe him that. Don't be his doctor1. But ten times about one thing tomorrow??? Come on, how can you not see that as more than just a friend. Do your girl friends do that to you? I think not.

[Fudgie]

You cannot logic your way into finding him attracted. You've been out with him several times by now. If you don't feel the urge to be with him romantically and you admit that he's physically unattractive, then you are not attracted. I get that you like the attention and it's nice and flattering and he's awesome on paper but please stop, this is not fair to him.