TMifune Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You cannot logic your way into finding him attracted. You've been out with him several times by now. If you don't feel the urge to be with him romantically and you admit that he's physically unattractive, then you are not attracted. I get that you like the attention and it's nice and flattering and he's awesome on paper but please stop, this is not fair to him. You can't rationalize yourself into attraction. But if attraction is a byproduct of what you value you can certainly affect it by changing what you value! OP has already begun thinking about this, that's why she acknowledges that diving into an ill-advised relationship simply because there's sexual "chemistry" isn't necessarily a good way to find a good man. You are correct that this weird Limbo where he treats her half like he's courting her needs to come to end one way or another. Link to comment
TMifune Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You aren't romantically attracted to your friend and never will be. I don't know how you can be so certain about what the future brings. Just don't use him and don't break his heart. As your friend you at least owe him that. Don't be his doctor1. This is probably the most important part. OP will end up feeling like crap and this guy will get hurt too if she lets it go the route you're warning against here. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You can't rationalize yourself into attraction. But if attraction is a byproduct of what you value you can certainly affect it by changing what you value! OP has already begun thinking about this, that's why she acknowledges that diving into an ill-advised relationship simply because there's sexual "chemistry" isn't necessarily a good way to find a good man. You are correct that this weird Limbo where he treats her half like he's courting her needs to come to end one way or another. I agree completely. Sexual chemistry alone is not a good reason to enter a relationship and I think OP needs to take time to really re-evaluate what she is looking for a guy and what she is attracted to and why, and is it really conducive to finding someone worthwhile. In the meantime, this poor guy is wasting his time obviously pining over her when she does not feel the same, and it really ought to stop. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Well, we all advised Naomi to talk to the Doc and see where he stood. If "R" is as into her and culturing her to be more then his platonic friend then it's also up to him to talk to her to find out where she stands. I do agree that you should insist on paying for your portion of your outings if you feel he's only your platonic friend. You wouldn't let your female friends pay for you every time the two of you got together so the same should apply with male friends too, IMO. Maybe its time you turned down some of his invitations for a while and let things get back to casual friends if you don't have more then platonic love for one another? Or... you don't have more then that for him. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 In the meantime, this poor guy is wasting his time obviously pining over her when she does not feel the same, and it really ought to stop. He is NOT pining over me and he is not "poor" by any means. He is fully aware I was seeing doctor1 and was in love with him up to the very end. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure how I feel about him (doc2) right now. I like him. Could it turn into something more? I have absolutely no idea. I don't even know if he views me that way. He could be lonely and just wants someone he knows well to keep him company at these functions and outings. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I do agree that you should insist on paying for your portion of your outings if you feel he's only your platonic friend. You wouldn't let your female friends pay for you every time the two of you got together so the same should apply with male friends too, IMO. I try but he won't let me. I really do! So sometimes I volunteer to drive or I'll toss money at him and run away, but he'll throw it right back at me. Maybe its time you turned down some of his invitations for a while and let things get back to casual friends if you don't have more then platonic love for one another? Or... you don't have more then that for him. I have turned down two "dates" this week. I lied and said I would be elsewhere when I was really at the gym, then thought how stupid that was because I actually wouldn't mind hanging out with him. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Well, we all advised Naomi to talk to the Doc and see where he stood. If "R" is as into her and culturing her to be more then his platonic friend then it's also up to him to talk to her to find out where she stands.. Why is he "R"? I agree…if he feels more, then he needs to talk to me just like I talked to Doc1. Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Naomi, have you been single, really single, not dating, not being treated by gents, not being wined and dined? Why not take some time off from men, period. Get the ex out of your system, heal from any ex-exes, be ok on your own, and think about what you truly value? It's too soon from Dr1, IMO, for you to think or respond clearly to anyone new. But what do I know? That's just my 2 cents. I just keep hearing your confusion, you saying you don't know what you want with guys. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 THIS IS A WONDERFUL POST AND NAILS HOW I FEEL!!! The hot passionate attraction at the beginning of a relationship is wonderful and I love it, but I am learning through experience it is unsustainable if the more important qualities are missing. What I value now after that Doc1 experience is SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME WELL, above everything else, makes me a priority and cherishes me. That is extremely attractive to me in a person. My experience with Doc1 is the exact opposite of Doc2. They couldn't be more different. Doc1 was not mean or horrible to me in any way, but he was indifferent about me unless he stood to benefit. Doc2 has my best interest at hand. Is it because we've been friends for so long or is it because that's the way he is? Is he trying to get into my pants? I don't know and I do not want to ask. Maybe he thinks there is competition with the Doc1 and he is trying to one up him? I don't know. How can all of those old-fashioned arranged marriages last so long? Is it because they've built up attraction for one another? I'm just saying it is NOT impossible for someone to develop attraction if you don't make physical appearances your main concern. And it is disheartening for so many people here to say if you didn't want to bang him from the start, you never will. I'd like to think I'm a more meaningful person than that. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 He is NOT pining over me and he is not "poor" by any means. He is fully aware I was seeing doctor1 and was in love with him up to the very end. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure how I feel about him (doc2) right now. I like him. Could it turn into something more? I have absolutely no idea. I don't even know if he views me that way. He could be lonely and just wants someone he knows well to keep him company at these functions and outings. Yes, he is very clearly pining over you. According to you, he is asking you to hang out a lot, contacts you a lot, dotes on you, pays your way, everything. This. Guy. Likes. You. Seriously. And yes, I feel bad for him. You admitted in earlier posts that he's physically unattractive and that you don't currently have feelings for him. You think that maybe things will change the more time he dotes on you and spends on you. That's just cruel. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's cruel. Attraction cannot be reasoned or bought. I think doctor1 was an inattentive, non committal asshat who didn't make you a priority and now here is a guy who is making you a priority and you're finding that it's very nice, especially after doctor1, but you don't find him attractive. This isn't fair to him. Don't play dumb here. If you keep going along with this, you are sending him signals that you're interested and want it to continue. Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Why is he "R"? It looks like you referred to him as "r"?: Also I do not even know if r likes me for sure!! What if he is multi dating? Until I know, it is probably best to sit still until he does something Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I just keep hearing your confusion, you saying you don't know what you want with guys. I do know what I want. I want someone who treats me well, cherishes me, is generous, and intellectually stimulating who I can love and respect for all those things. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 It looks like you referred to him as "r"? Oh, sorry. I was typing on iPhone out and about. Forget the R. hahahahahhahahahhh!!! Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 What I value now after that experience is SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME WELL, above everything else, makes me a priority and cherishes me. That is extremely attractive to me in a person. then how come you're not attracted? if you think it reasonable for him to initiate a conversation, why would it be unreasonable of you to initiate it? seeing as what you're saying is i don't want him romantically but i sure could get used to the princess treatment--- it's not like you don't have a scheme here to come clean about too. and calling it "confused" about the situation is bull that too many used people have heard. you know what you do if you're genuinely bothered by being treated with too much priviledge to file it under friendship? you don't agree to have another meal with them until they agree you go dutch. and you're not even initiating that conversation. So you can't "complain" about him maybe vaguely crossing some boundary and infiltrating himself into the romantic interest territory- seeing as you do squat to ensure there's actually such a thing as a boundary. you're not interested in him as a romantic partner. you're interested in the treatment you're getting. and yes, it's incredibly unfair. Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I'd like to think I'm a more meaningful person than that. I honestly think attraction can grow. It doesn't have to be there when you first meet. Frankly, I'd say take some space to get over Doctor 1, and think about what is is you truly value and not just what gives you the tingles (unless I guess the tingles are what you value). Then you can decide whether Doctor #2 has the things you value or not. This^. Please reread it and give it serious consideration. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I am not playing dumb. You could put this in the opposite perspective. I didn't think Doc1 had a great personality. He wasn't funny and kinda stuffy, but I stayed with him for NINE months because of the great wild chemistry because that's what was important to me at the time So how about the opposite? I don't think Doc2 is that attractive, he's has a little extra and not handsome. Can't I continue seeing him because he's respectful and treats me well and see what happens? Because this is what is important to me now!!! I'm truly at crossroads. My priorities are shifting. I almost feel enlightened. Have I been searching for the wrong thing my entire life by putting passionate sex before a quality personality? also with the caveat he MIGHT NOT EVEN LIKE ME this way. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 then how come you're not attracted? Physically not attracted. At least not yet. I'm starting to see beyond looks though. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Can't I continue seeing him because he's respectful and treats me well and see what happens? Because this is what is important to me now!!! you'd need to survive a few cycles of the usual life to see if this sudden appreciation of kindness is in fact part of your new persona. but yeah, sure you could. if you want to do it in clear conscience though- how about you tell him what you just said here. word for word. "i think i'm starting to value people for their character. i used to value their sexual appeal. and here's the thing, i think you have none, but you're great in other regards. Care to grant me a leap of faith that'll i'll be a good partner who truly aprecciates you and hopefully grow to see you as physically appealing?" How does that sound? How would it sound to you if a man told you that? Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I don't know what I feel at all. I don't know if I like him or not. I do know what I want. I want someone who treats me well, cherishes me, is generous, and intellectually stimulating who I can love and respect for all those things. I say you know what you want, but you don't know how you feel. Aren't they connected? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 you're not interested in him as a romantic partner. you're interested in the treatment you're getting. and yes, it's incredibly unfair. Maybe he's not interested in me as a romantic partner. Maybe he's just using me as someone to hang off his arm as he attends these dinners. Maybe he knows doc1 and I had amazing sex and he wants to get a taste of that. I have NO idea, and it's unfair for you to say it's unfair to him. Because he knows very well what my situation was and how I was still in love with Doc1 at the time. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I say you know what you want, but you don't know how you feel. Aren't they connected? Nope. Because I don't know how I feel about us, but I know what I want in a person. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 are you forced into being used by him? to say that you find no secondary benefits in this "unfair to you" situation that you're prolonging...yeah, i don't think i can comment on that on a respectable forum. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 you'd need to survive a few cycles of the usual life to see if this sudden appreciation of kindness is in fact part of your new persona. I'm an insanely fast learner. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You keep saying that he may not like you but cmon, we all know that's bull. No man acts like that when he's just a friend. It's good that you are starting to see beyond looks. Really, it is. However, some attraction is important. It's needed. And that's where I think this is unfair. I've never been that picky on looks because what's inside is more important but I found every single one of my exes attractive in their own way. I have a wide range of what I find attractive. Learning to appreciate and search for a good partner on the inside does not mean that you forgo the issue of attraction, or let yourself be wined and dined on end by someone that you're not romantically into, hoping that you'll change your mind. It means that you look for good internal qualities, first and foremost, and expand your definition of attraction. I agree with TMifune, I would take some time out and re-evaluate and I would cut back significantly on this guy as he's clearly all in and you don't feel the same way. Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Maybe he's not interested in me as a romantic partner. Maybe he's just using me as someone to hang off his arm as he attends these dinners. Maybe he knows doc1 and I had amazing sex and he wants to get a taste of that. I have NO idea, and it's unfair for you to say it's unfair to him. Because he knows very well what my situation was and how I was still in love with Doc1 at the time. Are you saying you're ok with being treated like a girlfriend anyway? Gives you both something to do for now? Link to comment
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