Found out the guy I am dating is married - PLEASE read before you judge me.

[ohiogal1217]

Ok, first off - I am not a home wrecker. I had no idea this guy was married when I met him and only found out after 3 months of dating when he told me he was married!

 

After taking about 10 months off dating to focus on life and work, I decided to get online and try out online dating since I work a lot and am a single mom. I don't have time to go out and meet guys the old fashioned way - lol.

 

I read a profile online and thought "this guy sounds nice" and sent him a "hello" message. He replied and we messaged back and forth for a few days before deciding to meet for coffee. Things went great. We talked for hours.. literally, like 3 hours and it was effortless! We did this a few more times and each time was better and better.

 

Things progressed from this point to us talking and texting all the time. He travels for work and I loved that he would be thinking about me and communicating with me throughout the days and nights he was gone.

 

On the weekends he was in town, I didn't hear from him much - but I understood because he has kids and only saw them on the weekends, so this time was for them. Or so I thought.

 

I started to notice a few other things that were off.. like he never called his kids by their names when he would speak of them.. but given the nature of his job (can't mention what he does), I figured this was just his protective nature and eventually he would relax. There were also other things that were odd - like his voicemail greeting was the basic general one that only identifies the number, nothing more. Or how I never knew where he lived, but he knew where I lived and actually stopped by to say hello a couple times.

 

So one night when I had a huge knot in my stomach and a bad feeling, I looked back at his profile online and noticed something that I didn't pick up on the first time I met him.. his tattoos.. in the picture online, there were none.. and the more I looked at it, the more I realized, while similar in a lot of ways, this wasn't him!

 

I was livid. So I sent him a text (he was again out of town) that told him what I noticed and what I thought.. he of course denied it and made some lame excuse. And I felt like a dumb crazy lady who should be embarrassed at how she acted. Stupid, I know.

 

So things progressed and we got closer. Since we both worked a lot and spent a lot of time on the phone, texting and randomly getting to see each other, I didn't think it was odd that we weren't doing normal things like extravagant date nights - plus I'm a total down to earth, low maintenance girl, so I don't need that kind of stuff. Pizza and a movie are cool with me. However when we would go out, he would always want to "try this new place" somewhere out of the way.. I thought it was adventurous, not being sneaky. Little did I know.

 

Was I a bit clueless? Yes. Seeing only what I wanted to see while denying what my gut was telling me? Perhaps. I should have listened to that little voice in my head telling me to look and dig deeper. I should have asked more questions when things seemed off, but I didn't want to seem mistrusting or nosey.

 

One night, we were talking and goofing off when he made a big mistake.. he was making fun of himself and instead of calling himself "Jay" he referred to himself as "Daniel".. I looked at him and said "what did you just say?" and he was screwed.. he literally had the dear in the headlights "oh " look from hell..

 

And so it all came out. He was lying to me about a lot of things including his name. His wife was living in another state and they were separated for the 3rd time in 12 years. She cheated on him most recently a year ago, they tried to work it out and he couldn't.. so she moved into their vacation house to see if time apart would help. I asked him if she knew he was seeing someone and his answer was "no." I asked if she was seeing someone and he said he wasn't sure.

 

He claims he is miserable and so is she.. yea, I know - same old story as they all say, right?

 

I asked why then weren't they divorced..? Well, they own a business together and it's complicated. Go figure.

 

So I said, I'm sorry - I can't be a part of this. It turns out we both live in the same community and our lives intersect in a lot of ways.. the last thing I want is this drama.

 

He said he didn't want to lose me and would do whatever it took to keep me. I said this is NOT about me and I don't want it to be - I do not want to be the reason for anyone's marriage to fail.

 

He claims I am not. Things were over and he just was delaying the inevitable and avoiding the conflict. I didn't believe him.

 

So, for about 3 weeks we didn't talk. Then out of the blue he shows up at my home to talk. He says they talked and both agreed to part ways - it was best for everyone. He didn't have kids with her - his kids were from his first marriage, so they wouldn't be affected by this - and in fact, they didn't even like her.

 

I had so many questions and not many clear answers. Did I want him - yes. Was I stupid - yes.

 

So, she was in town and they were allegedly sorting the details out. But I rarely heard from him. Which made me uneasy. I didn't like it at all - this feeling.

 

He tells me she is moving out and so is he..? Huh? Why? Allegedly they own some huge gorgeous house and how can they both move out at the same time... he has a story for this as well.. some guy he knows wants to rent it.. seriously? Something is off..

 

So, I do what any person who is being fed a line of bull does.. I go to the internet to check things out.. the house he lives in, they don't own.. but I can't call him out on it. How can I without sounding like some crazy creeper..?

 

I know this isn't going anywhere, but dammit.. I want answers. I want to know what the hell is going on and what kind of a person does this?

 

More than anything, I want the truth.

 

Am I in love with him. No. Was I headed there before I learned what he was and what he was up to.. yes. But that quickly died out and was replaced with being sickened at the fact I let this person into my life.

 

So my question is this.. where do I go now. I have this guy wanting me and I feel obligated to out him to his wife. Reveal it all - from his fake profile, to his fake name, to his 2nd phone.. all of it. Do you think she deserves to know? How would you proceed?

[mhowe]

You change your number, you send him a text (so you have proof) and tell him not to contact you again. Answers are pointless coming from a liar.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman tricked!

[Rosti87]

I think your narcing on him is just going to add more drama to the picture. I would leave this dude alone end of. He is not worth the extra effort. Run for the hills... NOW!!! And don't look back.

[meozorchild]

The biggest issue is that this man is untrustworthy. He's also amazing at hiding secrets. If you ever got seriously involved with him, he already knows exactly how to sleep around your back without you ever knowing.

 

So unless you want fall in love with someone whom you could never trust, walk away.

 

You cannot out him to his wife unless you acquire empirical proof of your relationship. Otherwise, she will never believe you over him. Honestly, in your shoes I wouldn't even bother with that because I don't know the woman and that's a whole headache in and of itself.

 

Go back online and find someone with honor.

[journeynow]

You don't sound like a crazy creeper, he's given you more than enough reason to question his every story. Have you broken up with him? I wouldn't contact the wife. Stay out of the picture completely. If he ever gets divorced, give him an extra year or two to heal, change his ways, and wise up before even going for coffee with him.

[abitbroken]

Wow. cheating is bad, but giving someone an assumed name is an entire other level of creep. And the third level is having KIDS and doing this - unless he really doesn't have kids but said he does to make an excuse of having his weekend with them and not being with you. If you are in the same community, if you ran into him, what name did people call him??? You are good to walk away.

 

Why do people do this? Because they are jerks and maybe even have a mental illness.

[Hollyj]

There should have been no more questions when you found out he lied about his name.

 

Why in the world would you waste another second on this creep. He is a cheating, lying douchebag.

 

 

Next time, follow your gut. There were way too many red flags here!

[Hollyj]

You don't sound like a crazy creeper, he's given you more than enough reason to question his every story. Have you broken up with him? I wouldn't contact the wife. Stay out of the picture completely. If he ever gets divorced, give him an extra year or two to heal, change his ways, and wise up before even going for coffee with him.

 

Are you kidding! The guy is a pathological liar! What woman would be so desperate to go back to that!

[Tinydance]

I definitely would not trust this guy at all! I think some people who are separated with their spouse or going through a divorce do start dating, but someone who invents literally a whole new identity - fake photos, fake name, fake everything, DEFINITELY has something to hide. I don't think he is really and truly broken yp with his wife and that's why he didn't want to make a real profile of himself online, in case the wife or people they know see that he's dating other people. If they were really broken up and the wife was aware of everything then he would not need to hide behind a fake profile! Any time someone lies about big things like that, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with that! It's not just putting an old photo when you're slimmer or slightly lying about your height, it's actually pretending to be someone else and stealing another guy's photo! That is identity fraud and that's actually a crime. I've seen stories on the news where people were charged for stuff like that. I think this is a no brainer, the guy is creepy, he's a liar, and most likely a cheater. You can do SO much better than that. How can you trust him ever again? He does not deserve you at all, nor any other woman at the rate he's going.

[shellyf62]

I met a guy online as well. He lived in a different state. We talked, texted & emailed all the time. We met a few times, got on famously, were in a long distance relationship.

He was applying for jobs in my state, then was going to move here, and see how things went with us.

He said he hated facebook & didn't have it.

While trying to add a friend of mine onto FB on my mobile phone it linked his mobile number as well, and there was his profile.

He was married and his wife's profile pic was her in a wedding dress.

He was hoping to secure a job near me, and just pack up his stuff & move, and I was never to find out about his wife!!

What a jerk.

I blocked his straight away & had no contact since.

 

You should do the same, once a liar & a cheat, always a liar & a cheat!!!

[SpottiOtti]

Unfortunately, you aren't going to get any straight answers out of this guy. He seems incapable of being straight with anyone. The sooner you block, delete, and move on, the better you'll feel. The more time you waste on this drama, the more trust issues you'll end up with because of it. Don't bother with the wife, either. Just take care of yourself now.

[BurgundyPlum]

Whether he gets divorced or not, I wouldn't stick around or stay in touch to find out. He's told too many lies at this point and BIG lies at that. Fake profile, fake name, 2 phones, lied about being married, lied about owning his house and someone supposedly willing to rent it...He's trouble with a capital "T" and I wouldn't get in any deeper with him. He'd never hear from me again and if he showed up at my door I'd tell him to leave or else I'm calling the cops.

 

You can't believe a word he says so how can you trust him? If he lied about all that, what else is he lying about?

[melancholy123]

Lace up those running shoes and head for the hills! This guy is an incredible liar. I wouldn't believe a thing he says, he may not be separated from his wife, he's just busy running around on her. There may or may not be kids. Dont be a fool, block this guy, dont have anything to do with him. I understand the urge to out him to his wife, I'd want to do that too, but not a good idea, really.

[ParisPaulette]

So you want someone with sociopathic tendencies who's a chronic liar and cheater to give you answers about why he did it? That's simple, because he wants what he wants and he'll step on however many bodies, dead or alive, to get it. This is the same sort of person who turns an elderly woman out into the street after conning her out of her life savings or who unflinchingly fires a good employee, one who needs to the money for his family, for the crime of not putting enough cream in the coffee he made said employee buy for him.

 

Sorry, you may as well ask why Ted Bundy was a serial killer. Would you expect an honest answer from that sort of person or even a reasonable one? No? Then why on earth do you think you're going to get it out of someone so mentally disturbed and conniving that he even gave you a false name and information about his relationship status? When he has kids at home for god's sake along with a wife, who I bet those kids think is the best thing since sliced bread by the way. It's another calling card of a serial cheater, they happily throw everyone under the bus for their own needs. He's living with the woman, he's married to her, and he's badmouthing her left, right and center to you. And is any of it true? Not bloody likely, because if it were oh so terrible he'd have left her before setting up a phony dating profile and tricking you into an affair you neither wanted or asked for.

 

Talk about a P.O.shaving cream.

 

Block and delete him, send one text telling him he is to never come near you again and if he does you'll call the cops and tell them he's trespassing, enforce that if he does indeed show up. Or better yet tell him you'll out him to the wife and publicly all over the place. And report him to the dating service for fraudulent information and lying about his status so at least they kick him off of there. Then he'll likely go to Ashely Maddie or some such thing, but at least he won't be on the same site scamming people or contacting you.

 

As to the wife, I'm always of two minds on this one. If it were me I'd want a heads up even if it was just an anonymous packet with names and emails of the woman my husband or SO was cheating on me with, BUT some women and men want to cling to their fantasy and they don't take kindly to anyone telling them they're living in lala land. I would not reveal my identity personally, because you do not know how vindictive or truly crazy this guy or his wife even might be. I mean, married and lies about it is one level, creates an entirely separate identity with a false name? (Whistles creepy music typically heard in horror films.) He's the one who is crazy, okay? Who the hell does that except con artists???

 

Frankly as nutter as this one sounds I think you'd do better to tell him if he ever comes near you again in any, way shape or form you'll publicly out him to her and the world. But if he leaves you alone and you never catch him on any dating sites or other places you frequent you'll just put this all behind you. And then enforce that. A bit of material to hold over this one's head to get him to back off might not be such a bad thing.

 

He did it because he wanted to and didn't care who he had to step on to make HIS little fantasy come true. That's the type of person he is. Accept it and move on. Done and done.

 

Also and this is just me, but I'd definitely give the guy he was pretending to be a heads up that someone out there is impersonating him and why. That's identity theft. Totally creepy!

[Rosti87]

There's creepy points from A to Z. I couldn't run far enough or fast enough from this clown.

[greta96]

It is sad and scary that people like him exist, he took deceit and cheating to a whole new level, that only sick minds can concoct and execute. The good news is, he is not your problem, you are not the one whose life is tied to his. You only spent a small portion of your life entangled with him, which is bad enough, but it's not permanent. I feel so sorry for his wife, ex wife, and whomever else he played God with...

 

The only thing you need to do is cut him out of your life completely and immediately. Don't listen to any more of his lame excuses, because if a man was so twisted that he created a whole new persona for himself, complete with a fake name and all, there is no way to distinguish between which of the words coming out of his mouth are true and which ones are lies. IF he's even capable of telling the truth.

 

Wash your hands of him, and stay away from his drama and family life. You don't owe his wife anything, and getting involved in his murky life can only have unpleasant consequences for you. I know you want him to suffer as much as you are suffering and you want some sort of revenge, but in this case, you're better off closing this door for good. Move on and don't look back.

[Hollyj]

OP,

 

I am sure you are one of many.

[lostandhurt]

Who does stud like this? CHEATERS

 

Do yourself a favor and chalk this up to not listening to your gut. You knew something wasn't right yet you ignored the red flags. It happens to all of us sooner or later.

 

Nothing he told you was true so just accept that he is a liar and a cheater. Also go get checked for STD's right away.

 

Don't contact his wife and get on with your life with a good lesson learned.

 

I am sorry this happened to you

 

Lost

[ohiogal1217]

Hello everyone,

 

Thank you so much for the honest feedback and advice. You are all 100% correct and I appreciate your help!

 

He is not worth my time or energy and any person that can conduct himself in this manner is garbage - guess I just needed to hear this from an outside source to reaffirm what my gut was telling me.

 

I do, however, feel horrible for his wife. The things he has said about her, combined with what he is doing, attempting to do, are so wrong! We all know that in these situations, the wife goes after the "other woman" and forgives the husband, but I think I have enough ammo to prove I was completely in the dark about his situation all along. I have loads of texts (of course they are from his secret phone) that prove I knew nothing and was pissed off at him, texts from him telling me his plan and to please just stick with him, and pictures he sent me of him.. all of this proves his identity and his intentions. It also has dates she could see and compare his lies.

 

But.. of course there is the chance it could all blow up in my face.. and I'm not sure I want this. People like him have a way of twisting and manipulating things and he's very good at this, so the odds are not good that I would come out unscathed.

 

I did end it. But I did not threaten him with "outing him".. why? Because I am afraid of what he could do to mess with my life now that he knows me. He is not happy about me ending things.. and wants a chance to prove he isn't what I think he is and was just not thinking clearly due to his situation.. and is sorry for dragging me into this, etc.

 

I don't care and I want out.

 

He is in a position and has the connections to royally mess with me.. he is a person people trust (hence the reason I trusted him initially) and is well known in the community as a "great guy" who is involved in all kinds of things.. our lives (his, hers and mine) intersect in a lot of areas and I think it is in my best interest to not rock this boat. Do I think he would do something? I really don't know...

 

Let me say that at the time I met him, I wasn't aware of how much our lives were intertwined and when I learned about everything I was shocked about it. The risk he took and what he attempted to drag me into.. OMG, how selfish and how much worse this could have been had I not found out and continued to see him.. and got caught. Man did I dodge a bullet..

[relevart]

This sounds like a "Criminal Minds" episode, minus the killing. In that episode, a con man business man starts having trouble remembering "who" he is at any given time like your "Jay" did. He refers to himself as his real name and has to kill a businessman.... well, anyway. That's neither here nor there. You may think you need to hear the truth, but this guy probably hasn't even started telling you the truth yet. He's a liar and all liars think they can lie themselves out of any situation.

 

Just leave and chalk this one up to him being a crazy a** wacko with some sociopathic tendencies.

[abitbroken]

He is in a position and has the connections to royally mess with me.. he is a person people trust (hence the reason I trusted him initially) and is well known in the community as a "great guy

 

Who? Jay or Daniel? He can't be too trustworthy if he is running around giving people different names and if he is influential in the community, I am surprised you didn't run into anyone that called him the other name. Or did HE tell you he was well known in the community. Don't be afraid of him ruining your reputation. Your reputation is yours based on how you treated people in the past.

[ohiogal1217]

He is definitely someone with connections and yes, by his real name, not the fake one.

 

He initially lied about his "credentials" regarding where he lived and worked, but was honest about what he does for a living.. He has a couple different positions in government and law enforcement (hence the trusting of him).

 

Well the truth is, he lives and works in the same town as I do. When I learned his real name, I looked him up and it's legit.

 

So now I'm like "".. sure I ended it, but like I stated in my post, it's not like I can vanish off his radar completely and vice versa.. this crap is in my backyard and all around me.

[ohiogal1217]

Oh, and we never hung out in this area.. it was always someplace else because it was a "new" place or thing he wanted to try. There was never an opportunity for him to get caught in a lie.

[HeartGoesOn]

So now I'm like "".. sure I ended it, but like I stated in my post, it's not like I can vanish off his radar completely and vice versa.. this crap is in my backyard and all around me.

 

I wouldn't tell his wife, not would I allow him to hold me hostage. As they say, "give him enough rope and he'll hang himself", and I'm willing to bet that he's off to a good start.

 

Keep in mind, a liar has to have a good memory.

[journeynow]

I wouldn't tell his wife, not would I allow him to hold me hostage. As they say, "give him enough rope and he'll hang himself", and I'm willing to bet that he's off to a good start.

 

I think so, too.