8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes all this talk and angst can be more exciting than this non-committed relationship.

[Hermes]

Er, Naomi, earlier on you said:

 

"I feel very guarded because I have his dating history floating over my head like a rainy cloud."

 

What exactly do you know about his dating history? I wouldn't have thought he'd be the type to give you a blow by blow account of his relationship (or lack thereof) with the various ladies he has known.

 

Speaking of which, what do you know of his family? Most people do speak at some time or another about their family, their college years, their parents/childhood. Do you think he would introduce you, and if not why not?

[boltnrun]

"Hang out"? As in, buddies "hang out"! So he sees you as a buddy.

 

At this stage, is a "buddy" what you have in mind?

[Hermes]

You ask:

 

"Is this the trait of a lifelong bachelor or someone with low-level interest ........."?

 

You also remark seems so conservative and formal".

 

So, going back to the conversation you intend having with him, you must also work out what YOU want. Let us suppose a (probably unlikely) scenario during this conversation you are going to have. He suddenly drops on one knee and says: "Please darling will you marry me, if possible next week". You get the picture.

What would you do or say in that case.

 

What I am asking is if YOU want a long-term partnership with this man, as in, could you live with him, and his ways?

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe it's time to take a break from your thread and just concentrate on getting to the point where you can at least get the gumption to invite him to do something where he can meet your friends. If he says no to that then you should probably ask yourself "what the hell am I doing to MYSELF here?"

 

It then becomes about you Naomi and what you will and will not accept in your life if he won't even meet your friends.

[boltnrun]

It's been 10 days and over 300 posts, and you are still at "I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid of his answer"...which is EXACTLY where you were 10 days ago.

 

Now, you're closer to "Nine months and still casual..."

 

It seems like this will drag on as long as you are still allowing your fear to paralyze you.

 

Remember, courage isn't never being afraid...it's being afraid but pushing forward anyway.

 

Do YOU have courage to push forward for what it is you truly want?

[lostandhurt]

The way you write and the way you describe him you don't seem like a match but I could be wrong.

 

Watch that OLD stuff young lady!!!

 

Well anyways good luck with your talk and let us know what happens.

 

I am out!

 

Lost

[Naomi99]

I read all of your posts and I'm thankful to have so much support from total strangers. I know it's been 10 days, but I haven't seen him since last Sunday…which was 10 days ago!

 

Speaking to him yesterday left me kind of depressed. He was indifferent to the amount of time that had passed since we last saw each other…and I'm over here missing him like crazy. Like I said, the conversation via phone sounded like two friends talking; no romantic inkling whatsoever. Huge turnoff. I can't help but think I'm wasting so much of my time planning a talk with someone who was completely stoic toward me in our last conversation. Don't feel like the timing is right. He seemed so…well, dead.

 

I'll write more later. Back to work.

[Ms Darcy]

It's hard for a relationship to grow over time when the folks haven't expressed a commitment to each other one way or another.

[journeynow]

I read all of your posts and I'm thankful to have so much support from total strangers. I know it's been 10 days, but I haven't seen him since last Sunday…which was 10 days ago!

 

Speaking to him yesterday left me kind of depressed. He was indifferent to the amount of time that had passed since we last saw each other…and I'm over here missing him like crazy. Like I said, the conversation via phone sounded like two friends talking; no romantic inkling whatsoever. Huge turnoff. I can't help but think I'm wasting so much of my time planning a talk with someone who was completely stoic toward me in our last conversation. Don't feel like the timing is right. He seemed so…well, dead.

 

I'll write more later. Back to work.

 

Did you tell him you are missing him? I don't know, but it sounds like you are treating him like a friend with benefits, despite how you feel. It's not just that he is stoic, he doesn't even know you, you keep your true self so hidden.

[abitbroken]

I read all of your posts and I'm thankful to have so much support from total strangers. I know it's been 10 days, but I haven't seen him since last Sunday…which was 10 days ago!

 

Speaking to him yesterday left me kind of depressed. He was indifferent to the amount of time that had passed since we last saw each other…and I'm over here missing him like crazy. Like I said, the conversation via phone sounded like two friends talking; no romantic inkling whatsoever. Huge turnoff. I can't help but think I'm wasting so much of my time planning a talk with someone who was completely stoic toward me in our last conversation. Don't feel like the timing is right. He seemed so…well, dead.

 

I'll write more later. Back to work.

 

You are just making MORE EXCUSES. So he doesn't say sexy things over the phone and he is not going to suddenly switch it up just because you are sitting here reading this thread and thinking about him. And btw, if a guy misses you, he calls you. He doesn't call to say he misses you, he just calls you and doesn't talk about missing (and he DID text you and you kept it light, and he DID try to see you - but it would have been too late that day). But you never call if you miss HIM - so give him a tiny bit of credit for calling you again when you never, ever reciprocate. A lot of guys would just not put up with it and stop calling. When you see him- you are going to make ANOTHER excuses not to speak up if his smile is only taking up 80% and not 100% of his face. You aren't wasting time "planning a talk" because it will be wasted on him, you are wasting your time because you are waffling. You are thinking more about you NOT wanting to speak up and giving excuses about it. You couldhave talked to him 100 times by now. So either ACT - ask him to move the car, actually call him, do the inviting on a date or dinner, invite him to a get together, or ask to meet his friend or SPEAK and leave him or tell him you want more.

 

so - small baby step - or take the bull by the horns.

[ThatwasThen]

I read all of your posts and I'm thankful to have so much support from total strangers. I know it's been 10 days, but I haven't seen him since last Sunday…which was 10 days ago!

 

Speaking to him yesterday left me kind of depressed. He was indifferent to the amount of time that had passed since we last saw each other…and I'm over here missing him like crazy. Like I said, the conversation via phone sounded like two friends talking; no romantic inkling whatsoever. Huge turnoff. I can't help but think I'm wasting so much of my time planning a talk with someone who was completely stoic toward me in our last conversation. Don't feel like the timing is right. He seemed so…well, dead.

 

I'll write more later. Back to work.

Did you indicate to him that you missed him at all? If you didn't then I'm sorry but, shame on you for blaming him for being stoic when you were just as. Don't forget that you got turned off by the guy that DID fawn all over you emotionally.

 

Kind of goes back to you not knowing what you want but seem to be right on top of what you don't want.

 

Don't even think about "having the talk" with someone over the phone. I thought you agreed to that so why are on about the "timing" not being right? You're going to wait to you see him anyway so that's just wasted energy to be getting down over that little bit.

 

He seemed so... well, dead

For all you know he was mirroring you or even getting the vibe from you that something he looks forward to is coming to an end and his mood is such.

[Hermes]

Come on Naomi, and put us out of our misery here LOL.

 

When are you seeing him again? If he seems kind of "dead" well now is the time to get the sparks to fly, one way or another.

[Hermes]

mid-50s and not ever had a long-term relationship?

 

He's showing yo exactly how he lives his life. He in an inveterate bachelor.

 

If you want to find out if he will change his lifestyle for you, then you will have to ask him.

 

But even then, just look at how has lived for the last 30 years.

 

This earlier poster makes an excellent case.

[Naomi99]

So I had the conversation…after sex. Like literally two minutes after.

 

I asked him, "Hey, you're not sleeping with anyone else, are you?" He said, "No! Are you?"

I said, "No! But you would tell me if you were?" And he said, "Yes, I would, and I would expect you to tell me if you were too."

And I said, "What would you do if I was sleeping with someone else?" He said, "Crack his kneecaps."

I said, "No, I'm being serious, what would you do?" He said, "Well, we'd have a discussion and we'd probably stop having sex."

I said, "I think we need to have a discussion now, though." And he said, "Okay. What's going on?"

 

I said, "Remember when I tried to break up with you, but you kept texting me to hang out, and I eventually said okay because I was afraid you were going to die?" (long story; don't ask.)

He said, "Yes. That was months ago!"

I said, "Yes, and all this time we've continued seeing each other, I've been holding back and trying hard not to become too too attached because I am uncertain how you feel about me."

 

He said, "I've always liked you but I'm not looking for anything more serious than this. What about you? What do you want? If you want a serious boyfriend, you should start looking."

 

I said, "But I find it very difficult to date other men while I'm intimate with you."

 

He said, "How about this? We can stop the sex and hang out as friends while you look for someone more serious."

 

I said, "I don't think so. You know as well as I do that will never work and we will end up in bed. You can't even walk by a piece of chocolate without eating it."

 

He said, "How about we take a break? After you find a boyfriend, we can hang out again?"

 

I said, "I have to think about that. I'm not sure what I want yet. There is something refreshing about this relationship; we never fight, we have a good time and there is very little drama. But sometimes I come home and I…."

 

He said, "…you want someone to come home to?"

 

I said, "Sometimes. So let me think about it."

 

And then he said, "Okay. I'll think about it too."

 

And I yelled, "What do YOU have to think about???? You're getting drama-free vagina on a stick, and you know it! I'm the one who has to deal with your BS!!!"

 

He agreed and said I was indeed drama-free vagina on a stick, hugged me, and then we fell asleep in each others' arms. (Until it was time for me to leave).

 

I will not be chasing him nor am I upset or sad. I feel nothing, really. I don't think it really mattered if I rarely reciprocated and initiated contact/dates or not. He does whatever the F he wants regardless of the girl's actions because he knows he will never commit to her anyway. He has nothing to lose.

[IAmFCA]

Wow.

 

You held your own nicely.

[Hermes]

Well, Naomi, my identikit was not too far off the mark! He is over 50, he is a loner (a happy loner) by temperament and that is how he is going to be till he is a 100.

 

He said the truth:

""I've always liked you but I'm not looking for anything more serious than this. " and "If you want a serious boyfriend, you should start looking." He sure laid it on the line anyhow.

 

In other words "you can't take something out of an empty bag". He can't give you - or indeed anyone else - what he doesn't have to give.

[ThatwasThen]

Hey... that's awesome that you now know 100% for sure where he's at. Now, if you want sex without strings attached you know exactly where you can go to get it and he won't judge you for it like many men (and lots of women) would. You just need to understand yourself 100% and if you can't handle keeping your emotions out of it then you end it and you go cold turkey withdrawl, zero contact so you rehab from him.

 

DON'T hang out with him if you find yourself a boyfriend that wants more then a "vag on a stick." You will ruin anything new you have formed by keeping him in your life. There are not to many good men out there that will be okay with you hanging out with a FB or FWB. You have female friends you can go to dinner with and that's about all you had with him outside of the bedroom.

 

You probably don't feel it right now but you just did yourself a huge service by having that conversation. Now at least you can answer your own thread question when you know what it is you have with him.

[journeynow]

Good for you, Naomi99, glad you got him to clarify what he wants and expects. The hanging out again with him after you find someone else probably won't work, unless your new partner hangs out with you both and is fine with it, boundaries are clear, you feel no emotion about your past with him...

 

I hope you feel some freedom now to be who you really are, want what you want, and ask for it from someone you are intimate with. Otherwise, they are a FWB.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you!

 

Now that wasn't that hard was it?

 

I think you handled that perfectly!!! You are right that you can't be friends or "hang out" while you look for a real bf. It is like having a job you aren't thrilled with but it pays the bills and you keep telling yourself you are going to get a better job but never get motivated to do so because your old job is adequate.

 

I give the guy credit for being honest with you and giving you straight answers.

 

So now you need to decide what you want for your life. I think you want an intimate emotional relationship as well as a intimate physical relationship and he is only capable of the latter...

 

Lost

 

PS So what about a 51 yr old that doesn't have commitment issues? Ha Ha

[Ms Darcy]

Yay ... good for you. It's always good to know the truth. With the truth you can commit yourself to seeking a real relationship.

[abitbroken]

Hooray!!!!

 

Now don't you feel better???

 

Isn't it nice not to have that speculation eating you?

 

He did not take it badly like you feared. He did not break up with you how you feared and kick you out on the porch. He understand how you feel. He understands that you might like someone to come home to.

 

Now the ball is in your court - can you handle someone you can "come home to," can you continue counseling, etc, to move through your commitment issues so that you can meet someone like that? That is your next assignment!

[Naomi99]

PS So what about a 51 yr old that doesn't have commitment issues? Ha Ha

 

51 is too young for me.

[Naomi99]

Well, Naomi, my identikit was not too far off the mark! He is over 50, he is a loner (a happy loner) by temperament and that is how he is going to be till he is a 100.

 

He said the truth:

""I've always liked you but I'm not looking for anything more serious than this. " and "If you want a serious boyfriend, you should start looking." He sure laid it on the line anyhow.

 

In other words "you can't take something out of an empty bag". He can't give you - or indeed anyone else - what he doesn't have to give.

 

Thank you for this post. I'm so glad for the validation that it is him, not me. He is the one who cannot commit and has the established pattern. I keep thinking maybe I have a horrible personality or he finds me unattractive because he likes blondes better, blah blah. The woman could be Scarlett Johansson and he'd probably chose to be a loner. Maybe.

[Helpexpressme]

I didn't feel that conversation felt finished. Is it finished? Hard to tell.

 

Yay! Your a free agent. Please don't go back to him.