Naomi99 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I gotta move on. I have no desire to talk to him. Let him figure out what happened. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 As for his inconsideration regarding the driveway: Did you ever say to him that when you are come over could he please make room for you in the driveway? If you didn't then I have to encourage to hone your assertiveness and stop being so, so afraid to even ask for a simple courtesy to be returned. No. I never brought it up. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 No. I never brought it up. Why would you not? Not for any other reason then it would make it more convenient for you. If he refused then I'm sure that would have been enough for you to clearly see what a self-absorbed twit he really is and you'd have more strength to end the madness. No? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 No. I never brought it up. My God, you are PETRIFIED of this man! What did he do to make you so afraid of him? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 That whole car/driveway thing didn't occur to me until a few weeks ago. I don't know why I didn't bring it up at the time. Now it's too late. Anyway if he didn't think of it on his own, I don't think I really want to pursue someone who has to be taught how to be considerate. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 He's in his 50s? Too late to learn. If he's a doctor he's used to being catered to. I used to date a pro athlete whose sport was individual and who had a team of people rushing around getting him whatever he asked for during a competition. That definitely carried over into his personal life. One time he accused me of not caring about his health when I didn't immediately rush out to buy him fast food the second he asked me to... Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 He's in his 50s? Too late to learn. If he's a doctor he's used to being catered to. This is probably the perfect dysfunctional relationship. He's used to being catered to and I'm an over-giver. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I gotta move on. I have no desire to talk to him. Let him figure out what happened. This 100%. For your own sanity/ Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I gotta move on. I have no desire to talk to him. Let him figure out what happened. I think you need to work on this clear communication thing - from speaking up about wanting a parking space, to telling him what you are looking for out of a relationship. He's not a mind reader, he's not going to know what is going on unless you tell him. I think you should be very clear with yourself what you want and are looking for and then try to communicate that to him. Do you want to be his gf? Do you want to see him more often? Are you wondering if he's serious about you or if this is a FWB situation? Ask him. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 He just texted me after four days of silence. I'm at a loss of what to respond. I do not think he is a bad person and I don't believe he's aware of how he's treating me. My gut instinct is to disappear cold turkey. But if anything, I need to practice communicating and letting him know what's been going through my mind. It will be good practice. …or I could just forward him the link to this 24-page thread and sit back and watch his face. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 He just texted me after four days of silence. I'm at a loss of what to respond. I do not think he is a bad person and I don't believe he's aware of how he's treating me. My gut instinct is to disappear cold turkey. But if anything, I need to practice communicating and letting him know what's been going through my mind. It will be good practice. …or I could just forward him the link to this 24-page thread and sit back and watch his face. This is something you should think about. You have 24 pages of advice , yet still feel unsure what to do. If I were in your position I would talk to him about what you to are. But if you feel like you can't do that, just leave cold turkey rather then drag out this uncertainity any farther. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 i think you should ask to meet him over dinner and then express what's in your head. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 This has been an interesting thread. Naomi99, I suggest before you talk to him or leave cold turkey, schedule something good for yourself, a therapeutic massage or mani/pedi/facial or sign up for a class, something to happen AFTER you make your next move, but planned before. So then you move forward telling yourself OK, I'm going to ask him how he sees us AND go for a massage, so that the scary step is followed by positive thing entirely for you. It'll help you take that step, and you'll feel better after the treat you give yourself (and celebrate you for making it that far). Chalk this up to an experiment/learning process and a chance to flex your Naomi-muscles. Link to comment
journeynow Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 And remember, you have a cheering squad here, supporting your move. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 This is something you should think about. You have 24 pages of advice , yet still feel unsure what to do. If I were in your position I would talk to him about what you to are. But if you feel like you can't do that, just leave cold turkey rather then drag out this uncertainity any farther. I have 24 pages of excellent advice and I know what I have to do. It's just a matter of getting there. I'm upset and I want to respond angrily but that is highly ineffective and not the proper time. He has not a clue. It would be like yelling at Forrest Gump. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 You guys have all been great and extremely helpful. Thankful for people who find this interesting enough to follow along and share their experiences and advice. Link to comment
notalady Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 He just texted me after four days of silence. I'm at a loss of what to respond. I do not think he is a bad person and I don't believe he's aware of how he's treating me. My gut instinct is to disappear cold turkey. But if anything, I need to practice communicating and letting him know what's been going through my mind. It will be good practice. …or I could just forward him the link to this 24-page thread and sit back and watch his face. No he's not a bad person. But I think he's well aware of how he's treating you. What he doesn't know is how you feel about how he's treating you, as so far you seemed accepting of it. You don't have to vilify him or make him the bad guy to gather up the courage to walk away. But simply need to accept that a person can be a decent human being but is not right for you for various reasons. In this case, he wants different things than you. You can simply ask him where you stand and make your decision or just walk away with no questions asked. I get that you are angry, but you have to realise that you're really just angry at yourself for letting him get away with his treatment of you so far, and a mistaken feeling of lose of control (ie you feel like he has control and he's not doing what you want, therefore you feel angry at him). Lashing out at him won't do any good or make any difference, you have no control over how he behaves, but fortunately, you have control over you and whether you continue to accept his behaviour. Once you accept these things, your anger should dissolve and you can do what makes you feel best, whether that's walking away silently or communicating how you feel to him, calmly, with no emotional drama. Sometimes silence is more powerful than words. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Naomi, The more I hear about this situation the worse it sounds. He's treating you like crap, no question. You're completely devaluing yourself by tolerating this arrangement. Before you get too upset with him, keep in mind that men only act like this when you allow them to. I can almost guarantee that he loves you and is quite attached, but is fighting it and keeping you at a distance. This arrangement feels very safe and comfortable to him, and you're not objecting so why would he change? You seem like an amazing woman. You deserve to be cherished and adored, to feel secure. You are getting to the point where you realize you deserve more. You are close to being ready to walk away. That's what it will probably take for you to have an honest conversation with him. Until then, you are consumed with fear of loss. It's possible that this guy can change. You've never asked him to or required it of him. I think you'll need to do that and be prepared to lose him. There is a decent chance that he will ask you to come back and offer what you want. It would likely take several months for him to see the light and you'd have to be no contact. What you have now is no way to live in my opinion. But if you think that's all you deserve, keep marching up and down that hill with his groceries. That image is so incredibly sad to the rest of us. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I think he's treating you in a manner consistent with how he has treated you from the beginning. So, without any conversation about what you wanted in the beginning or any time after, you wanting more/refusing to say anything highlights your emotional unavailability. So it's not about him and his treatment of you but rather your readiness for a commitment. He's a consistent reflection of your emotional unavailability. So if you want to become more available you have to take action. HE'S just a mirror. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Ms. Darcy makes a great point. You've been allowing this, and he's treating you as you are treating yourself (devaluing yourself). Just a mirror. Regarding the parking space, I assume he is oblivious and not even thinking about it. You can make your needs known in a very non-demanding, non-critical way, like "It would make me really happy if I could park in your driveway when I visit." He'll get the message! Supposedly men love to make us happy. The doctor probably wants to make you happy too. He assumes he's doing that now since you are so happy to schlep over there with no complaints. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Ms. Darcy makes a great point. You've been allowing this, and he's treating you as you are treating yourself (devaluing yourself). Just a mirror. Regarding the parking space, I assume he is oblivious and not even thinking about it. You can make your needs known in a very non-demanding, non-critical way, like "It would make me really happy if I could park in your driveway when I visit." He'll get the message! Supposedly men love to make us happy. The doctor probably wants to make you happy too. He assumes he's doing that now since you are so happy to schlep over there with no complaints. I'd not even be that courtesy at this point I'd say. (after the invite to come over) Okay, on my way, please park to the left so I can squeeze in beside you. Done and done! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Ms. Darcy makes a great point. You've been allowing this, and he's treating you as you are treating yourself (devaluing yourself). Just a mirror. . This is a new concept for me…him mirroring me. Because all along I've been mirroring him by keeping one step below (not initiating as much as I should, letting him take the lead, not inviting him to functions because he hasn't invited me to any of his, not voicing how I feel about him until HE says something first.) And now he might be mirroring me? Which came first, the chicken or the egg…. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 I'd not even be that courtesy at this point I'd say. (after the invite to come over) Okay, on my way, please park to the left so I can squeeze in beside you. Done and done! He txted me last night and I responded this morning cheerfully…I'm slammed busy this weekend so I didn't want to commence any type of talk until things have settled down on my side. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 I can almost guarantee that he loves you and is quite attached, but is fighting it and keeping you at a distance UH….I highly doubt he is in love with me. If he is, he deserves an academy award and Meryl Streep has serious competition because I sure haven't seen any signs of love. Link to comment
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