Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I meant to say it is unnatural to stay with the opposite sex more than an hour or so a day But that is so primitive. What about someone who has your back during a crisis? Someone to laugh with or shower with or simply ride bikes with? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think the other guy was a better pick - divorced three times, right? He could commit, but he couldn't stay committed. So either you have the guy who is not invested, or you get the guy who comes on strong but can't hold it together and the 4th time is seldom the charm. Yes, I think therapy is an excellent idea. I also think that if you end up decided not to date this guy further, that you take a break from dating, and when you start up again, you don't have a sexual relationship until you decide that someone is worth it so that the sexual chemistry is not the reason you are sticking with them. That they have already checked the other boxes. I know you say he is okay without sex for a few weeks - but the sex is one of the things that is making you stay. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 But that is so primitive. What about someone who has your back during a crisis? Someone to laugh with or shower with or simply ride bikes with? But you don't have that now. All you have is an occasional meal and bed companion. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 very true people have not evolved yet to understand that the modern man woman relationship is extremely unnatural and abnormal.why would there be a 50 percent failure in something normal and natural.women and men were never meant to be together for extended amount of times it is a perversion of the natural instinct to stay with your own sex in a village setting..but the establishment seeks to perpetuate this myth..which is completely unsustainable like living in a cardboard shack in a hurricane zone the paradigm will change eventually when people can afford to live on their own and are emotionally stable enough not to need someone around all the time aggravating them in sociology studies I learned that cohabitating in marriage is for only one purpose to legitimize children That is a load of bupkiss. Men and women are magnetized towards eachother and seek eachother's partnership out of instinct, out of conscious choice and more. Whatever hippie professor (no offense to hippies) fed you this one is deluded. And the 50% divorce rate has proven to not be quite accurate. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 But you don't have that now. All you have is an occasional meal and bed companion. My point exactly. He was saying we are only supposed to be together for an hour a day. And I want the rest of those things I mentioned but not getting them. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You know, you have a point. My best friend told me if I can just stop being so emotional and just enjoy his company when we see each other, there is zero fighting, great conversations/food and passionate sex, why do I have to ruin it with panic? I haven't heard from him in three days now. Since Sunday. And slowly the anxiety creeps in…. Your friend has a point if ALL you want SINCERELY is occasional companionship and that is your only go. You could know that he is like clockwork and will call you within a day or three from now to invite you to your standing date and relax and either go out with other guys too or not.. But you want more. You know it inside. As far as the second point - have you not taken anything to heart and have you learned nothing from this thread? You have not heard from him since Sunday, so why not dial his digits and invite him to dinner? Why can't you do that? If he is not the right guy, fine, but so far you have not even met him a quarter of half of the way. No matter what happens - the time will come when you have to SPEAK UP in words and/or in actions whether you say that you want to date him exclusively, or you want to end it because you want more. Whatever that is - get used to asserting your wants. No scenario seems to be that he is going to end it with you - he gets nice companionship and sex, and good conversation. Why not just err on the side of personal development and ask the guy out? Turn the tables? It might actually feel exhilerating. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 - but the sex is one of the things that is making you stay. If I read it correctly it's the only thing they really have going for them Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 My point exactly. He was saying we are only supposed to be together for an hour a day. And I want the rest of those things I mentioned but not getting them. But you refuse to ask for more! You're spinning your wheels here. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 As far as the second point - have you not taken anything to heart and have you learned nothing from this thread? Absolutely I have!!! Why can't you do that? If he is not the right guy, fine, but so far you have not even met him a quarter of half of the way. No matter what happens - the time will come when you have to SPEAK UP in words and/or in actions whether you say that you want to date him exclusively, or you want to end it because you want more. Whatever that is - get used to asserting your wants. No scenario seems to be that he is going to end it with you - he gets nice companionship and sex, and good conversation. Why not just err on the side of personal development and ask the guy out? Turn the tables? It might actually feel exhilerating. Okay. I'll contact him tomorrow to hang out sometime next week. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 But you refuse to ask for more! I haven't really seen him since this looooong posting and gotten my thoughts together yet. I'm not prepared. Also I know how I react when men ask me for more. I feel smothered and pressured and irritated. So I reflect my attitude on to him and think he'll feel smothered and pressured too, and that's the last thing I want to do. I think timing/wording plays an important part of this as well and I'm not prepared. But I will do it soon enough. And you'll be the first to know.. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I haven't really seen him since this looooong posting and gotten my thoughts together yet. I'm not prepared. Also I know how I react when men ask me for more. I feel smothered and pressured and irritated. So I reflect my attitude on to him and think he'll feel smothered and pressured too, and that's the last thing I want to do. I think timing/wording plays an important part of this as well and I'm not prepared. But I will do it soon enough. And you'll be the first to know.. When a man asks you for more and you feel "smothered, pressured, and irritated," it's because you're not that into him. If you were, you'd be delighted. Just a little food for thought.... Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 If I read it correctly it's the only thing they really have going for them 35 percent sex/cuddling/affection 20 percent eating/drinking 30 percent talking/venting/sharing stories 15 percent movies/TV/playing music Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 GOT usually ends with a dagger in someone's heart. How symbolic. In this case, it will be my heart. No it won't be your heart, it will be your ego. You're heart isn't ready or actually really involved because he's shown you zero in actions that you should trust him with your heart. My guess is that is because you're addicted to this "cliff hanger" and the perpetual "new relationship sexual energy." Time for rehab and cold turkey withdrawl, I'm thinking. I haven't heard from him in three days now. Since Sunday. And slowly the anxiety creeps in…. Time for another hit of your choice of drug known as "bad-boyfriend." Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 No it won't be your heart, it will be your ego. You're heart isn't ready or actually really involved because he's shown you zero in actions that you should trust him with your heart. My guess is that is because you're addicted to this "cliff hanger" and the perpetual "new relationship sexual energy." Time for rehab and cold turkey withdrawl, I'm thinking. Time for another hit of your choice of drug known as "bad-boyfriend." How do you know so much? You're impressive. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 How much percent taking you out to a restaurant for dinner? How much percent taking you to a theater to see a movie? How much percent going on a day or weekend trip? How much percent spending time with his friends or family? How much percent spending time with your friends or family? How much percent him driving to your place to spend the night? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I have a passion for learning all I can about human nature and psychology 101. It's actually true that in the past men and women didn't spend much time socializing. Men were out hunting and gathering and the women were sewing, rearing the kids and preserving the meat from spoiling too quickly that their man bagged for them. I'm older then most on here and even when I was in school the boys and girls were housed in separate school yards during recess. lol However, we have evolved and the man doesn't have to go off an hunt anymore except for someone that will put up with their uninvolved love making. Chin up, Naomi. You're "getting it" and you'll do what is in your best interests (either way) soon enough. We all do. Well at least those of us who love ourselves enough to know what's best for us. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Absolutely I have!!! Okay. I'll contact him tomorrow to hang out sometime next week. He will probably ask you out for this weekend or whenever you normally see eachother. contacting him tomorrow for "sometime next week" is lame. Calling him today to ask him to dinner "would tonight or tomorrow night be better for you?" is less non-committal. Or At the VERY least call him and tell him this great documentary on his favorite subject is on tv tonight and wanted to give him a heads up in case he didn't know about it. ANYTHING. The worst he can say is he is busy, or that he likes the idea but pushes it to the normal day that you see eachother, BUT the point is the fact that you left your comfort zone He may not be a great boyfriend (you don't think he is even your boyfriend though) but half the problem is that you are passive in all this. I think that younger guys have less tolerance for a woman who never reciprocates. If you were 22 dating a 22 year old guy, he would have been gone within 2 months. Maybe 4 months tops if he really, really liked you and you never once picked up the phone and called HIM. That is if you found a guy who wanted more than just an occasional date. Anyway - i am totally on the same page about breaking this relationship off if it isn't right, but in the future I guarantee you won't hold the attention of a guy who is really into you if you never reciprocate ever, you know? It will go on for awhile, but he will be feeling he is putting in all the effort. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I can't see him tomorrow…busy. This weekend promised GF I would help her pack/move. By this logic, because he's consistent in planning dates with an non-reciprocating girl, he's not very into me? Why has it lasted 8 months if he's not into me? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I can't see him tomorrow…busy. This weekend promised GF I would help her pack/move. By this logic, because he's consistent in planning dates with an non-reciprocating girl, he's not very into me? Why has it lasted 8 months if he's not into me? Tonight you can do dinner, right? Then why not say "how about tonight or Friday, which would work best for you?" You misread what I said. If you meet a man who is out looking for a meaningful relationship, it will only last so long if you don't reciprocate. He will be on to the next woman, because he really wants someone who is into him and wants a future wife. Even if he takes the lead in the beginning, and asks you out every time on the first 10 dates (i am not being literal, just throwing a number out there), if the woman never calls to say that she had a lovely time, or after awhile she doesn't start calling him or suggesting dates (even adding to the date 'we are going to the museum monday, but what about stopping at this favorite place of mine first..) and he never hears from her between dates, he won't waste his time. it is not something that would last 8 months, that is for sure. This guy is into you because you provide him sex and nice conversation - he is just not into you for something deeper. I mean, maybe he will surprise you and tell you he wanted more but didn't think you did, but I am starting to doubt that. You got into this relationship because you didn't want to be smothered, didn't want commitment. To him, I bet he thinks nothing is wrong. Everything is going great for him probably. His style is not being cramped. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Remember, I did this with a guy for A YEAR AND A HALF. He wasn't into me, didn't feel "that way" toward me, but still accepted the sex, still let me come over and spend every single weekend at his house and took me with him when he traveled. Because it suited him just fine to have a sex partner and a companion. But he was not and was never going to be in love with me, and he was never going to "want more". I wanted love and I wanted more, so I left. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 By this logic, because he's consistent in planning dates with an non-reciprocating girl, he's not very into me? Why has it lasted 8 months if he's not into me? Heck, why not?. .It's easy, uncomplicated, convenient and you don't ask for anything in return. . .wait. .I thought you said he wasn't consistent Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Heck, why not?. .It's easy, uncomplicated, convenient and you don't ask for anything in return. . .wait. .I thought you said he wasn't consistent Sometimes twice a week. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes I don't hear from him in six days and then sometimes I hear from him every day. So he's inconsistently consistent. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Although I have to say last month, we went 10 days with no contact and he popped out of nowhere saying he'd been ill. I realize now I could have reached out, but my ego and pride kept me from doing so because I don't know where I stand with him. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Ego and pride have no place in a mutually fulfilling, committed relationship. "Ego" and "pride" are just different words for "fear". Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Ego and pride have no place in a mutually fulfilling, committed relationship. "Ego" and "pride" are just different words for "fear". Yes -- again, if you feel afraid of these things, this isn't a healthy relationship for you. I think you know there's a cycle you're caught up in here. I can tell you, from my experience (similar to boltnrun's, I think) that the choices you're making have more to do with you than with him. Trust me -- I am now dating a GREAT guy. Stable, normal, nice, generous, kind, funny. Oh, and EXTREMELY consistent -- contacting me regularly, responding in a reasonable time frame, making future plans and following through, etc. So stable, nice, and normal that some might find him "boring" or "not enough of a challenge." I admit, that the person I was five years ago when I was still hung up on my ex would NEVER have given this guy a chance -- not because he wasn't a great guy, but because of how I felt about myself. Deep down, I didn't think I was worthy of a good guy, so I kept spinning my wheels with my "exciting" (HA!) (if "exciting" means non-committal, inconsistent, wishy-washy) ex. Yeah, there was "excitement," I guess -- you can't ever be bored if you're anxious and walking on eggshells all the time, as I was. Now that I have come to find who I really am and realize how worthy I am of a good, healthy relationship, I am making much different choices. There is NO way I'd give my "exciting" ex the time of day now, and for that I'm truly grateful. All this walking on eggshells, not reaching out for fear that you'll look "needy," not asking for more because you fear he'll walk away...none of this is indicative of a relationship that has solid, long-term potential. You seem to be realizing this. I hope you will act on that realization. You can do better -- but only if you believe you can and take action to GET something better. Link to comment
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