Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Hard to say, Naomi. Only you can tell. Or I might, if I was standing ther ein person with the wo of you. I am said to be good in 3D at reading people, and the sub-text lol. I think he probably "loves" you in his own limited way. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Naomi - we don't have enough information to say he's a commitment-phobe. There are people who are perfectly happy single and/or commitment-free. It's sort of limiting and not fair as a society for us to label someone when we don't know his motivations or what he wants. It's like saying every person SHOULD want a commitment and that's not fair. It's not fair especially when you begin the interaction as casual and never ask for more. Do you think he's using me, or he might actually love me? Or a little bit of both? Or is he playing me? Anytime you have these thoughts, slap your hand. How can you ask this of US when you've never communicated your wishes to him. Naomi, he's not a mind reader and these thoughts are just dodges for YOU. This dude probably isn't going to be in your life in a few years ... without a change in you, there is going to be another guy where you are asking the same questions because you aren't looking inside yourself and having the courage to ask for more. If you want change, you have to change. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 So, Naomi, what do you think? Do you think you are seeking a father figure? And if so, why so? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 My ex, who knows the whole story, says the exact same thing as you!!! He thinks I have daddy issues. I'm not sure about that. (My ex hates this guy.) Taking on an ex as a confidant as far as relationships is not helpful. Exes have their own motivations for not liking someone's boyfriend or date. And it interferes with moving forward - in both healthy and misguided relationships alike. If your issue is that you are a slight bit of a commitmentphobe, keeping your ex around in that function definitely keeps it going. I know I would steer clear of a man whose ex is the corner coach. Besides, they have never met - any "hate" he has for him is strictly your ex's own motivation. Its one thing to be friends with an ex - as in not enemies, share pleasantries when you run into them, but having them in a role where a therapist should be, the role that your BOYFRIEND/GUY YOU DATE should be instead of going to other people to complain about what he is not doing, or even a close gf who is rooting for you. You can talk to as many people in your life about him without actually talking to him - and it all make issues a lot bigger. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I agree with Abit. Keep the ex completely out of the scenario. And I also agree that it may be time for some straight talking with your man friend. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Whenever my friend complains to me about her husband who cheats and never spends time with their children and who treats her rudely, I ask her "so what are you going to DO about it??" So, Naomi, clearly you are not satisfied with this relationship (otherwise you would not have created this thread). What are you going to DO about it? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Do you think he's using me, or he might actually love me? Or a little bit of both? Or is he playing me? How can someone "use" someone who is willingly volunteering? P.S. I think he's at the very least, fond of you. He'd have to be to keep asking you to come back.. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hmm, my "ex" wanted me to keep coming over, but, by his own admission, he "liked" me but did not have deeper feelings. He liked the "convenient" (his word) sex, the companionship, the food and other things I'd bring him...but he never, ever loved me. Incidentally, he too complained that he couldn't sleep comfortably next to me. He complained non stop about his aching back that was caused by me. I still stayed over all the time but had to hear him whine about his back continually. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 btw, as far as the sleeping thing. When someone is used to sleeping alone, I am not surprised he couldn't sleep. It would take sleeping overnight together for a few nights to a week to see how that all really went (consecutive, not once every two months). Him not being able to sleep much is not an indication of commitment, involvement or lack thereof. Just wanted to point that out. I have been a solo sleeper since before my ex husband left so know this for a fact and sleeping in the same bed with someone would throw me out of my mind for awhile. Cuddling on the sofa and falling asleep that way is totally different. And I had slept alone for less time than your guy did. (6+ years) If you slept together for 4 days and by the fourth night he hadn't had a decent night's sleep - then I would take issue and say its a problem. But I don't think this is about this one habit, or that one habit, but when you put them all together in a bucket, it adds up. In fact, my bf and I don't spend the night, don't live together, but on a trip we decided to do it and we thought it was a lost cause for the first few nights because I am used to sleeping alone. Honestly, we thought he just wouldn't be able to do it. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I think the OP (Naomi) also means she does not even stay overnight at all (sleeping with him or in another bed). Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I think the OP (Naomi) also means she does not even stay overnight at all (sleeping with him or in another bed). I thought she had a couple of times? And he ended up not sleeping, tossing and turning, etc, and subsequently doesn't stay again? Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Yes, she did on one occasion, (not trawling again through the posts LOL), but the fact is I don't think she spends much over-nighting in his place. And he is a loner, and loners like it just that way. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Okay - Naomi - you responded to his texts but kept it upbeat - did you ask to meet as a result of that? Are you ready to take the bull by the horns? (and cut off your ex, too - I have a feeling if this thread is any indication, you entertain commentary by your ex because he calls you up and asks questions and gives it when he wants to rather than you having established a boundary for contact and involvement or lack of, now that that guy is your ex. You sit like a passive duck on that one.) Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 ""I have a feeling if this thread is any indication, you entertain commentary "" I suppose it's no coincidence that 300 responses later, we are still talking about it and not acting on it. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Naomi has a lot to digest here as well as figuring out if she actually wants more with this guy or not. I for one am not going to keep asking her when she's going to come to some conclusion because a lot of what she's read hear are insights that never occurred to her before. This is a process she's now going through and there is no time table for that even if there were 3,000 posts on her well laid out opening thread and her subsequent posts that show that she's definitely processing and not ignoring a thing. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Adding: I don't get the impression that she's like one of the hundreds of posters that only get miffed and defensive when they hear things that they don't want to hear, nor is she one of those that have come here only to get validation by phishing to hear things she wants to hear. This has been a good thread for Naomi and a great opportunity to provide insight to an intelligent woman who at most is naïve and hopeful. I say she's been a good model for others who come here in denial and leave ticked off for having a mirror held up to them. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 My comment wasn't meant to be negative but rather something to think about as she enlists an ex to hash things out with as well. I get this stuff is all a process but I would hope someone would point out to me if I was talking about it so much, rather than actually acting on it. I trust she'll act on it in her own good time. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Agree with you, Abit. I detect great honesty in the replies posters give here to those who come in to present issues or problems they have. But here, as well as in 3D, I never cease to be amazed at people's capacity to be blind and deaf to what they do not WISH to hear. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Agree with you, Abit. I detect great honesty in the replies posters give here to those who come in to present issues or problems they have. But here, as well as in 3D, I never cease to be amazed at people's capacity to be blind and deaf to what they do not WISH to hear.I don't get the impression that this particular Opening poster is either of those things. That's the only reason why I responded to the pressure (?) I suppose. Cheers. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 To add, 9 -10 days later and post #279, this question is being asked: Do you think he's using me, or he might actually love me? Or a little bit of both? Or is he playing me? Is there anything being taken in here?: Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I don't think that either, TWT, in the OP's case. But certainly there seems to confusion. The man has all kinds of good aspects: hard-working in a good profession, apparently quite a talented musician as his hobby, good-humoured, his own home etc. and he is 50. From what OP says he has reached 50 without being in a long-term arrangement (marriage/partnership). What she asks is: "Still casual after 8 months.....leave or stay". Given that the OP is not actually "staying" with him I assume she means stay in the loose relationship they have at the moment. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 To add, 9 -10 days later and post #279, this question is being asked: Do you think he's using me, or he might actually love me? Or a little bit of both? Or is he playing me? Is there anything being taken in here? posts are not being replied to in order I don't think so that question is being answered further down in the thread then it would have been had it been answered right after who she was asking it of. (not sure on that one but I KNOW I've answered her way down the line when she's addressed something I've said. It is a perfectly normal question to ask when she hasn't yet processed everything and is currently still in the stage of trying to maintain some semblance of ego and self-esteem. Afterall; who among us would not be wondering that after everything being said geared towards their, uhm, "arrangement." I don't think for one minute anything other then there has been copious amounts of insight being gleaned by our Op. She's just not at the stage that perhaps you (?) think she should be at quite yet, is all. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 She's just not at the stage that perhaps you (?) think she should be at quite yet, is all. ""I trust she'll act on it in her own good time. "" . . .As stated in my previous post. And the question in question was asked yesterday: Yesterday, 08:59 AM #279 Naomi99 Naomi99 is offline Silver Member Naomi99's Avatar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you think he's using me, or he might actually love me? Or a little bit of both? Or is he playing me? Just an observation . .not a debate Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Haven't seen her in a day or two. Guess we're just talking to each other. LOL She did mention being busy. Hopefully her life has been full enough that not seeing him isn't leaving a huge gap, which would make it less difficult if it kind of fizzles out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Haven't seen her in a day or two. Guess we're just talking to each other. LOL She did mention being busy. Hopefully her life has been full enough that not seeing him isn't leaving a huge gap, which would make it less difficult if it kind of fizzles out. She'll be back. Maybe a new development will have happened over the weekend - or she was helping the one girlfriend move. I would assume we'll know by tomorrow or wednesday. Anyway, I am always glad when people get to the point of self reflection - it is a small breakthrough even if they don't act on it right away. Link to comment
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