Helpexpressme Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Most of us don't mind holding your hand, and walking you through step by step of this process. But the thread was about "Should you leave or stay" and most people said Leave. Not sure what anyone else can say as it's clear that you will do whatever you choose. But it's frustrating when you come back and start questioning things from your own doing. The hand holding will have to stop soon tho. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 You said it, Help. I think the posters have given vast input here, all of it sensible. Forget this man, Naomi. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 51 is too young for me. But I have a birthday coming up in February! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Not sure what anyone else can say as it's clear that you will do whatever you choose. But it's frustrating when you come back and start questioning things from your own doing. That is not entirely true. I didn't want to have that talk, but I did it anyway. I didn't want to bring up where we stood, but I did anyway. This whole "talk" was an information-gathering process since everything had been so vague. Now I have info and can make decisions accordingly whether I want it status quo or leave. OH! And I didn't want to initiate a date, but I DID ANYWAY!!!! The date last night! Thats attributed to this forum. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Well - he told you that if you slept with someone else - he wouldn't sleep with you. You guys are sexually exclusive. I don't think thats the probem, nor the question. The question is what you really want. You want someone to come home to, and he does not. So end of story. I think that he genuinely likes you as a person and WOULD entertain the idea of just being friends if you found a steady boyfriend - but that really doesn't work in practice. That gets messy and you really can't find the man of your dreams if you stick around him. But you didn't like having someone to come home to, either. So - you have to decide for yourself going forward - is it that the guy you came home to those 10 years wasn't the right guy, or are you someone who wants a relationship that is more committed than what you currently have, but not fully committed either? It is going to be hard to find a guy who wants to be committed - but does not want to be fully committed unless he has tons of baggage. Maybe he is an older guy who has kids and an ex wife or two that likes the idea of coming home to someone, but who has sworn off marriage. But the best course of action is to work on yourself - so that you CAN commit when you want to with the right guy under the right circumstances but at the same time - won't be attracted to guys who cannot or never want to commit. Or if a series of relationships until you feel too stifled is more your thing. At any rate - speaking up feels awesome, doesn't it?? Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 You said it, Help. I think the posters have given vast input here, all of it sensible. ABSOLUTELY! I never would have the courage to bring up that topic if it wasn't for all of you. So I thank you all again. Forget this man, Naomi. I would if I could in an instant. It's not that easy. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Hey it takes time to get used to the idea that the guy you are really into isn't the one for you. Our minds are convinced pretty quickly but our hearts hang on like crazy and that is where all hope is built....in our hearts. It is easy to hope that after this talk he would call you and tell you that he has changed his mind and wants what you want but we all know that is not likely to happen. This is a lot to absorb so take your time to decide what you want to do. Nobody will judge you and if they do just ignore them. Lost Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Right. Fair enough. If the arrangement, which btw is wholly on his terms, is something you can remain with, nothing anyone can say or advise will stop you. He doesn't particularly care one way or another and made that fairly clear IMO. He has boxed you into a corner, as they say. I suppose one can only ask you: what are the pros and advantages of this arrangement? The cons we already know. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 At any rate - speaking up feels awesome, doesn't it?? Yes, it did. Toward the end of the convo, I started getting feisty and using bad words. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Potty mouth! Yeah I could tell when you said you yelled at him. Sounds like your frustrations where surfacing. This is all good stuff for you emotionally. Lost Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 He has boxed you into a corner, as they say. How??? I'm the one with the choices. I can keep seeing him. I can stop seeing him. I can date others and see him (I have his permission!) I can be his friend and have a boyfriend. I can sleep with him whenever I want as long as I'm not sleeping with anyone else. The only thing that is missing is a serious relationship, which I can find on my own independent of him. I think he's the one boxed into a psychological corner: someone who can't commit to anything more serious than his cable contract. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Wrong, Naomi. Heh heh. He's holding the puppet strings and well he knows it. The way he is is how he is. It's his temperament, his nature, the way he is built. He LIKES being the way he is...no commitment, a nice life, a lady like you when he feels like it..... And no, sorry, you certainly cannot have a BF (if serious) and have him too. And why would you need his permission, for anything. The man is not your father! Come on, Naomi. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Wrong, Naomi. Heh heh. He's holding the puppet strings and well he knows it. ???????? Explain. He doesn't control me! Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 LOL this is giving me a headache... He has you where he wants you, my girl. And at fifty-something he'll have had miles of practice at it. Read back through the posts. I am not going to even mention again the fact that you do not meet or socialise with his friends, nor he with yours...... In essence, affectionate as he might appear to be, you are a lovely past-time. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Boxed in = compartmentalizes you. Not boxed in as far as trapping you. You are compartmentalized in this one area of his life where you don't mix with the other parts. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 And also, Abit, also the other. He has manoeuvred her where he wants her. No strings attached, he is affectionate and pleasant (so are several of my neighbours!), everything is on his terms, and keep her out of sight of his circle of friends, and he hasn't (if I read correctly) met any of hers. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 [quote He doesn't control me! Yes, he controls the intimacy. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 And also, Abit, also the other. He has manoeuvred her where he wants her. No strings attached, he is affectionate and pleasant (so are several of my neighbours!), everything is on his terms, and keep her out of sight of his circle of friends, and he hasn't (if I read correctly) met any of hers. and sexually exclusive.. . so that exclusivity agreement works for her and against her depending on how you look at it. He know she's hooked on him and if she were to break the agreement he wouldn't entertain her any longer....hmmm. . how convenient. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Right on the money, Reinvent!! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Okay okay okay, I get it. It is amazing how blind I can be because I am in it. If it's three against me, I'm pretty certain you three are right. He just texted me an hour ago and I didn't respond. See? I have control. Kinda. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 and sexually exclusive.. . so that exclusivity agreement works for her and against her depending on how you look at it. He know she's hooked on him and if she were to break the agreement he wouldn't entertain her any longer....hmmm. . how convenient. Never thought about it that way. Is he really that conniving??? Man, this board is invaluable. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Just to remark that I once met a clone of this man. I swear. It was years ago, and no I wasn't involved with him. But it is eerie, the modus operandi, even the words and expressions used, the whole package is exactly the same. This man (also in his fifties then, and also related to the medical care field), used to talk to me, as we knew each other via mutual friends. He could not commit, and sure he liked women, but he frankly said one day: "You know, I am not capable of loving anyone". From our conversations over time I could only gather that the whys and wherefores of his confessed inability love lay somewhere way back....... He was a most pleasant man, extremely well-mannered, well educated, well- set-up, well-off. And he sounded, it is so weird, JUST like Naomi's man. He'd tell me that he met such and such a woman, but that was as far as it went. He actually said one time that in the very unlikely event he were to marry someone, the arrangement would have to be that she live in one apartment/house and he in another, as in next door. I mean!!!! He said he needed to be alone, as much as humanly possible. A loner is a loner, and there is no way around it. I wonder what eventually became of him. All I was able to say to him was: "Don't encourage women if you can't offer anything except the most temporary of arrangements". And he said, sorrowfully: "Yes, but they all expect more than that." What can I say..... Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 You are hooked on him, Naomi. He knows this by your accommodating behavior, you've proven it time and again. You think he doesn't know he's not supposed to allow a lady to slog up and down a hill to bring him groceries?? He knows while you might inwardly complain, you're not going to actually DO anything about it. I too agree you didn't "end" it. You said you'd think about it, then cuddled in his arms. Which all but screamed "I don't care, I'll take whatever you deign to give me and I'll even cuddle with you after you're done getting non-committed sex from me". And I don't mean physically committed, I mean emotionally. Ignoring a text I guess is a good step? But actually extremely minimal...except, I suppose, from you it's huge because I'm presuming you usually leap on his texts. I won't be surprised if you decide to continue because you're afraid of losing what little you have with him. I think you'll "miss" him and won't be able to stay away. Plus continuing with him helps you avoid any kind of real intimacy, which seems to be your (subconscious) goal anyway. I am glad you spoke up and I'm still rolling about the "vagina on a stick" comment. But that's really just the first step. Just Saying No would be the next and permanent step, because nothing can be gained from continuing except a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Naomi. I don't think he is "conniving" on purpose, as in consciously. It is his temperament, the way he is, if you like it is his coping strategy, and he didn't get like that two days ago. What went on, I wonder when he was 20 or 30. Or earlier than that. Again, I repeat, he can't give what he doesn't have. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 LOL this is giving me a headache... He has you where he wants you, my girl. He hasn't at this point. If she continues to see him and his non-committal causes her heartache and want but she still goes back for more, then she's in trouble. But she has him JUST AS where she wants him as he does her... This will now be a mutually agreed to, casual sexual relationship wherein she calls her own shots now that she knows where things stand through his very candid words to her. Can't get any clearer then what he was and Naomi has no delusions or denial as to what he means. This poster is not some codependent twit who carries on hoping and not listening and only hearing what she wants to hear and complaining but still carries on in the status quo. So.. No, sorry, I don't agree that "he has her where he wants her" like some player lying to her and spinning things to keep her hook. Naomi. You're armed differently now going forward so good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just keep it real and be honest to yourself in whatever you choose to do. Continue on while being emotionally more guarded (if you can) or leave fo good, zero contact. It's all in YOUR hands now that you know the score with him. Don't mistake your lust for love. Maybe a time out from dating and men in general is in order... only you know that. Link to comment
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