janut1 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 She didn't trust you if she was looking through your phone. Did she tell you why she did it? Funny how your last X didn't give you enough time and you didn't like that, now your current X wanted too much time and you didn't like that either. Something to think about for sure. There has to be a balance. I agree with Mrs Darcy about this being a great lesson. Even though you broke up with her, it will still hurt. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 She said she felt i was being distant as of late. Which im not so sure that i was. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 If I remember correctly, your relationship before this one ended because she thought you were too needy and you thought she was too distant. Now you know how she felt. This time you were the one feeling crowded. Funny how life works, isn't it? Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 If I remember correctly, your relationship before this one ended because she thought you were too needy and you thought she was too distant. Now you know how she felt. This time you were the one feeling crowded. Funny how life works, isn't it? Ive thought about that exact point the last month or two. Its some sort of karma. I knew and accepted that i pushed the ex away a long time ago. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I believe if it's the right match, neither of you will view the other one as either "distant" or "needy". Link to comment
janut1 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I agree! When its the right match, it just works and there is no anxiety or wondering if someone is being distant or needy. Something we all need to keep in mind while dating. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Ive thought about that exact point the last month or two. Its some sort of karma. I knew and accepted that i pushed the ex away a long time ago. To add to this, you weren't all that into this girl and that's why you probably felt suffocated. Alternatively, your ex wasn't all that into you and that's why she probably felt suffocated/that you were needy. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 I think im a bit traumatized by this. I cant get the whole thing out of my head. Im sure it will get better over time, but all i see is the hurt on her face. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Share Posted April 11, 2016 I am so sorry. All you were ever afraid of was getting hurt and in the end I hurt you. I proved you right and I'm sure your trust issues will only get worse. I still so much hurt over this. You were such a large part of my life for 9 months. Now that's gone. I most likely will never know how things turn out for you but I truly and strongly hope things get better soon. It's my fault, but right now my heart is broken too. Tears are rolling down my face too, even now. I can't contact you because it's the wrong thing to do, but all the times I told you how sorry I was.. It doesn't feel like I even said it enough. We tried so hard and it wasn't enough. I hate that you will see me as a terrible person now when I did all I could to compromise and make things work usually to make you happy. I feel so sad and I'm so sorry and I miss you. I know my mind is idealizing the relationship now that it's gone but I sure wish I could see you happy again. Hopefully in time you can forgive me. I love you but things just weren't right. I'm hurting too much over this. Baby, I'm hurting too. I am so sorry. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 oh no . .I just read this. Sigh. . All I can say in all of this there is a valuable lesson for you. After all you went through with the other girl and now it appears you've swung too far to other side, hopefully the take away here is that you'll trust yourself to know the difference and find someone better suited next time. And . . you'll have the strength to handle what ever comes your way. Take some time to yourself. I am very sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped. Link to comment
notalady Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I often tended to swing too far to the other end after one relationship (eg from dating someone who's too sensitive and too intense to someone who's insensitive and too indifferent), eventually found a happy middle. I think your happy middle is yet to come! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 same here. . Did that very exercise with M last year. He was my swing to the sad side of apathy. All documented here just as a reminder Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 oh no . .I just read this. Sigh. . All I can say in all of this there is a valuable lesson for you. After all you went through with the other girl and now it appears you've swung too far to other side, hopefully the take away here is that you'll trust yourself to know the difference and find someone better suited next time. And . . you'll have the strength to handle what ever comes your way. Take some time to yourself. I am very sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped. Thank you. Although im not entirely sure how ill find someone in the middle, or know either way. We'll see i guess. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Don't feel guilty for needing what you need at a certain point in your life. I know on this board dumpers are held in low regard, but when it isn't working for you, you have to pull the plug. Sometimes it's because you are too needy. Sometimes it's because your partner is. It's all the same. It isn't working and the kind thing is to end it. I know that sounds cold, but what are you supposed to do? Stay with someone you are ill-suited for? That would make for a miserable life. For both of you. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 Don't feel guilty for needing what you need at a certain point in your life. I know on this board dumpers are held in low regard, but when it isn't working for you, you have to pull the plug. Sometimes it's because you are too needy. Sometimes it's because your partner is. It's all the same. It isn't working and the kind thing is to end it. I know that sounds cold, but what are you supposed to do? Stay with someone you are ill-suited for? That would make for a miserable life. For both of you. Thank you, and i agree. I actually feel far differently about my last ex after this whole thing. I know what she was going through in a way. I still feel terrible. I dont know if its the guilt, the shock of so suddenly losing someone who was a big part of my life for those 9 months.. either way its still hard. Link to comment
janut1 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Thank you, and i agree. I actually feel far differently about my last ex after this whole thing. I know what she was going through in a way. I still feel terrible. I dont know if its the guilt, the shock of so suddenly losing someone who was a big part of my life for those 9 months.. either way its still hard. You will feel terrible for awhile. Being the dumper doesn't always feel so great even if you knew it was for the right reasons. I felt pretty bad after breaking it off with my X too, but am feeling much better now. Its been a month since I last spoke to him. I think the biggest thing I miss is the companionship. We talked everyday and only didn't if we were together. The more space you get the more you will start to realize all the things that weren't working. Thats where I am now. Keep posting and take care of yourself! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Of course you feel bad! That's because you had to hurt someone and that is never fun. But, 6 months from now you will both be better off and if you had stayed, you both would most likely be miserable. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 14, 2016 Author Share Posted April 14, 2016 Thank you both. Both of your last replies make a lot of sense. I'm trying to not dwell on anything but the whole thing keeps popping into my head. The pain, the words everything. I know this isn't unique or abnormal, I just don't know who to talk to about it. No one will feel sorry for me as the dumper. Link to comment
janut1 Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 Thank you both. Both of your last replies make a lot of sense. I'm trying to not dwell on anything but the whole thing keeps popping into my head. The pain, the words everything. I know this isn't unique or abnormal, I just don't know who to talk to about it. No one will feel sorry for me as the dumper. I know how it feels as I am going through it too and its not fun. The thing is we did it because it wasn't working for us. In my case, I just did what he was to cowardly to do. He strung me along for a year, so yea I wasn't going to ride that rollercoaster for another moment. I just was done. It will be for the best in the long run. Im past 30 days now and I feel much better. Give it 30 days of complete NC and I bet you will start to feel better too. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 14, 2016 Author Share Posted April 14, 2016 I know how it feels as I am going through it too and its not fun. The thing is we did it because it wasn't working for us. In my case, I just did what he was to cowardly to do. He strung me along for a year, so yea I wasn't going to ride that rollercoaster for another moment. I just was done. It will be for the best in the long run. Im past 30 days now and I feel much better. Give it 30 days of complete NC and I bet you will start to feel better too. Yeah she certainly wasn't too cowardly. I wish it could've worked because she tried so hard. Out of being hurt, I'm sure, she also said some things like "all you guys are the same" this and that. Some other somewhat hurtful things. I teared up every time had to see the hurt on her face. Probably never forget the looks on her face. She didn't deserve to get hurt and I turned out to be exactly what she feared from the beginning. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 I was in her shoes a few time when I was younger and I turned out fine. In fact, every single time this happened, about 6 months later, I gave a mental "thank you" to my dumper. I had met someone who suited me much better and I was happy. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 I've walked away from a relationship before and I can say it hurt almost as bad as being left behind. Much like you are doing now, you second guess yourself and feel guilt. Most of all, no one is all bad. No doubt there are several things about her you still care about. Learning to detach from someone who has been in your life for that long is challenging on both sides. Give yourself much credit. Some people stay just because they don't have the courage to do the right thing. Hang in there. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 Yeah, im doing alright RIY. Thank you for your concern. Sort of going day by day. Ive been doing better lately. This weekend I was able to reflect and see Saturday and Sunday being days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Previously, it would've been spending time with her both days regardless of how I felt. Does that make sense? As much as I miss having her around, I was able to relive the times I wasn't in the mood to be over there or up at her bar, etc. Most likely with her complaining at some point that I didn't come over early enough Saturday afternoon. The nights are still hard, but I am not taking my free time for granted anymore since for those 9 months I really didn't have any whatsoever. There hasn't been any contact from either of us since then. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Yeah, im doing alright RIY. Thank you for your concern. Sort of going day by day. Ive been doing better lately. This weekend I was able to reflect and see Saturday and Sunday being days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Previously, it would've been spending time with her both days regardless of how I felt. Does that make sense? As much as I miss having her around, I was able to relive the times I wasn't in the mood to be over there or up at her bar, etc. Most likely with her complaining at some point that I didn't come over early enough Saturday afternoon. The nights are still hard, but I am not taking my free time for granted anymore since for those 9 months I really didn't have any whatsoever. There hasn't been any contact from either of us since then. Makes total sense. Had she be the one you might feel differently. Sounds like you are on track. Link to comment
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