Coldarmy13 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 I'd compromise. Sometimes, when we love someone, we have to do things we don't really want to do. It doesn't mean you have to give anything up, but a compromise says you are being considerate of her feelings. And likewise, she needs to be considerate of yours. I agree with what you said. Although I would be giving up a large piece of the busiest and best night of that particular convention. To me, it feels like she isn't being considerate of my plans. They picked this day you need to come to it despite of your plans, period. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 Well, at the very least you're learning how she deals with conflict. You'll find out if she's a "MY way or the highway" sort, if she demands compromise but won't give any herself, or if she has a need to be "right". Or, if none of these apply...perhaps she's the sort who has a knee jerk reaction but, after reflection, calms down and is willing to be reasonable. I can tell you that if anyone pushes me to respond before I'm ready, I tend to lash out. I know this, and it's a flaw. So, to deal, I ask for some breathing room. Then, usually I am able to come up with a rational response. So, hopefully she will be willing to work with you on this without resorting to extreme statements ("I'll be ALL ALONE WITH NO ONE TO DANCE WITH!!!!!111") Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 Well, at the very least you're learning how she deals with conflict. You'll find out if she's a "MY way or the highway" sort, if she demands compromise but won't give any herself, or if she has a need to be "right". Or, if none of these apply...perhaps she's the sort who has a knee jerk reaction but, after reflection, calms down and is willing to be reasonable. I can tell you that if anyone pushes me to respond before I'm ready, I tend to lash out. I know this, and it's a flaw. So, to deal, I ask for some breathing room. Then, usually I am able to come up with a rational response. So, hopefully she will be willing to work with you on this without resorting to extreme statements ("I'll be ALL ALONE WITH NO ONE TO DANCE WITH!!!!!111") In our disagreements so far, if she was harsh or maybe thought about it awhile, shes usually apologized later on. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 In our disagreements so far, if she was harsh or maybe thought about it awhile, shes usually apologized later on. The problem with that is you're left feeling kind of crappy until she comes back with an apology. So that's not a great way to deal with conflict. Hopefully she can learn to keep those words from coming out of her mouth BEFORE she's gotten you upset or feeling bad or guilty, not after. One thing I've learned in all my years on this planet is that I have total control over both what goes in AND what comes out of my mouth. I just have to choose to use that control. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 We haven't spoken about it yet, but our last couple of get togethers were very positive. Hopefully when it comes up again we'll work something out agreeable to us both. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 So it looks like it's from 6-12 in the evening on that Saturday. If you include drive time and time to change into my suit it's going to be taking up most of the evening. I'm trying to be a good boyfriend here but I'm having a hard time getting over the situation. Yeah, it's just an event with friends but it is a friend thing with my two best friends where I almost never see them both at one time and it's always been something we look forward to all year. I wonder if this comprimise Is the best thing. Yes I'll have all of Friday and Saturday afternoon, but it's pretty much all over by Sunday morning so not much to look forward to after Saturday. Saturday is also the most popular day that is busiest which makes it even more fun from a social aspect. I guess it's just the difference between us. It makes me wonder about things though. If this was something that I was aware of pretty much since I met you and my friends set their date to that weekend after you already told them that it was the PNLY weekend that you couldn't make.. I certainly wouldn't make you feel bad about not going. I'd be bummed about my SO not being able to make it, but I wouldn't even think about pressuring her into going. I feel selfish for wanting to keep my weekend intact but also think she is being selfish on her end too. Ugh, this shouldn't be as big of a deal to me as it has been. It's been bumming me out. It's also worth noting she doesn't think much of this Union on the first place. As I posted about them before. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I can see your point. This was sort of a beta test for you two. I saw something on tv the other day. It was a discussion about choosing a partner. `It isn't so much about how compatible you are when things are good. As much as that does matter ~ It's really about how well the two of you manage the challenging and difficult parts together, because that's what real life is about. That is something you should be on the look out for when choosing a partner." I don't know about you but it's given me a lot to think about. Not only about my current relationship, but my past relationships as well.. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 Upon looking on Facebook, turns out they went and signed the papers and made it legally official today with some of their immediate family. Unreal. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 So does that mean the "ceremony" is just going to be a party? Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 Yeah, they didn't want a whole wedding. So that Saturday is pretty much the reception. At the Hall at my girlfriends work. All kinds of pictures on Facebook with some family and changed statuses to married, the whole deal. Strange the rush to sign the papers when the thing is more than a month away. Was somewhat hoping one of them would come to their senses by then, no going back now. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 Im starting to get over the whole convention thing. Starting to see it as a compromise on my part as it does seem to be very important to her. That helps me feel good about it. Im hoping that she will express gratitude though when the night comes though, so it doesn't feel so much like something she expects of me. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 Well, we just broke up. It was mostly my doing. I hate this stuff. We were both hurting, crying. It just wasnt working, i guess i could just label it as not compatible long term. Just removed her and all her friends/fam i met through her on facebook. This is too hard. Im so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.. Link to comment
notalady Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Sorry to hear that coldarmy! Why did you break up? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 I think you wanted it to work, but honestly it never seemed to me like you were really feeling it. Sorry this happened though. It's never fun. Link to comment
janut1 Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Im so sorry to hear that you broke up. Like boltnrun said, I think you wanted it to work, but it never seemed like you were really feeling it or in the relationship for the long haul. What happened to end it? Did you break up with her? I just broke up with my BF of 1 year a month ago today. So you are not alone. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 It's just been hitting home lately how little we have in common. I love her but I guess sometimes that isn't enough. We had a fight over her going through my phone last night. Unacceptable for me, but it really does hurt today. I'm actually tearing up and have been all day since I left. A few hours after I left her place I dropped off her stuff in a place I know is safe and she'll get it. Didn't want to see her again, any time I see her face I break down. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 I think I was just feeling a bit suffocated and not able to do what I like to do as she needed a lot of together time. Im just feeling heartbroken along with guilt now. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Yeah, that's not acceptable. So she distrusted you even though you most likely never gave her any reason to distrust you. She probably thought you were meeting a woman at that convention or something. Or thought you were in contact with your ex. People like that will always look for something. I read somewhere that if you look for trouble you'll usually find it. Sorry this happened. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 Yeah her not trusting me was pushing me away little by little too. Also sucks all these friends and family of hers that went to bat for me will most likely hate me now too. Just feel awful, certainly not relieved. She was so good to me but it was in a way where I felt like I was responsible for her being happy. i know she tried so hard which hurts too. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Well, if they knew the full story it would most likely be them giving her a hard time for giving YOU a hard time! I know if it were me, my brothers would be smacking me upside the head asking why I acted like an insecure jerk. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 No, she'll probably spin a whole "oh he was probably seeing another girl" or something like that since it'll just be her side. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Well if she's THAT type, you are actually well free of her. Although, understandably, you might not feel that way for a while. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 It is for the best, I just didn't anticipate it being so hard. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 It's hard because you're a nice guy. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Yeah her not trusting me was pushing me away little by little too. Also sucks all these friends and family of hers that went to bat for me will most likely hate me now too. Just feel awful, certainly not relieved. She was so good to me but it was in a way where I felt like I was responsible for her being happy. i know she tried so hard which hurts too. Hugs. I'm very sorry for how you are feeling. I do get the sense that you cared for her but you definitely weren't all that into the relationship either. I sort of wish that more women would follow your thread though. A lot of lessons here. Of course the need to trust is a big one. But there are good lessons about not trying to suffocate/hold onto/do everything for a guy - especially when he's just not feeling it. I sense she sensed some level of distance in you and that fueled her insecurity. It's a vicious cycle. I'm not blaming you though. You did the right thing and tried your best. Link to comment
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