Lonely With Her: Ramblings of a madman.

[Coldarmy13]

Definitely, ghost lol

 

Nothing new here. Seems like thoughts of missing my ex have often crossed my mind throughout the day. Other than that, I've just kept busy with work and some hobbies. Trying to get fully comfortable with being alone.

[GhostB88]

keep on marching forward

[Coldarmy13]

Hope everyone who reads this is doing well.

 

I often wonder if I messed things up with the ex, by not communicating feeling smothered much sooner.

 

I've been active up until a week ago in OLD. Exchanged some messages and sent many more. Most women don't respond. I get it, if you're even moderately attractive then you're flooded with messages. Also been pretty active going out places to where I can interact and meet new people. Good conversations but not much of anything beyond that. The rejection doesn't seem to bother me, but it has become exhausting in terms of how often. Either turn me down, agree to contact me at a later date with when they can go it or disappear altogether. Maybe I'm giving off something unattractive subconsciously. I feel like I'm good at asking questions and making them laugh, but also am pretty direct as far as at some point letting them know I'd like to see them again and asking for their number. I'm not quitting as I'm sure I'd be compelled to talk to new women when I'm out, I just think I'm mentally not looking too hard anymore, out of being over it.

[Ms Darcy]

Just keep going. You're young and have lots of time to get into another relationship. No real rush ... even if it takes another half year or year.

[Coldarmy13]

Thanks, and that's what I'll do.

 

Guess I'm being silly thinking that I'm not all that young at age 32. Also, before the original girl I posted about, I was in what was probably a nearly 3 year drought and hope to not go through another one.

[janut1]

You probably need the break, so its good you are taking one. You aren't shy and you know what you want so you will eventually find her. I think its great that you are direct. I prefer that instead of empty promises and hot/cold BS.

 

I know when Im in a drought I think about the guys I dated and didn't feel a connection with then I second guess whether I made the right choice. Perfectly normal!

 

You are young and you have lots of time to find a partner.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks, and that's what I'll do.

 

Guess I'm being silly thinking that I'm not all that young at age 32. Also, before the original girl I posted about, I was in what was probably a nearly 3 year drought and hope to not go through another one.

 

Think of ot this way. It's better to find the right person in your 30s than to marry too early and be single in your 40s. (My sister and some friends.)

[GhostB88]

Coldarmy, it's good to hear from you again.

 

Don't worry, I get the same thing too so it's not just you. Most of the girls I meet only go on one date with me and no matter how well it seemed to be (laughing and having a good time, doing more things than planned, wanting to see each other again), they just disappear and never meet up again. It's also very apparent that they are about to ghost me by the way they reply my texts, very very cold. However, so far I've only seen this behavior from girls who do online dating, so it could just be a trend in the OLD community. If I meet a girl from a mutual interest or through friends and she doesn't do online dating, then things either progress normally or there was no initial spark to begin with. Anyways, this is my two cents, let me know if you guys agree or disagree.

 

Anyways, have you given up on OLD? What other ways are you trying to meet girls? And how is it going recently?

[notalady]

However, so far I've only seen this behavior from girls who do online dating, so it could just be a trend in the OLD community. If I meet a girl from a mutual interest or through friends and she doesn't do online dating, then things either progress normally or there was no initial spark to begin with. Anyways, this is my two cents, let me know if you guys agree or disagree.

 

That's because you get to see someone face to face to determine if there's chemistry when you first meet someone in real life. So either you decide there's mutual interest and go on a date or don't. If you first met online, you have that extra step of having that initial meeting (or "date") to determine the same.

 

Most of my first meets when I was online dating were pleasant and we can have a chat and have a laugh and have something in common, just like I may meet people at friends' gatherings and parties and have a good time talking to them too, but that doesn't mean I want to date them or even become friends with them. That seems normal to me. It's just that when you meet on an online dating site, it feels like a date when it's just meet and greet, and it can feel demoralising or rejecting when they don't want to go on an actual date after meeting.

[Ms Darcy]

Coldarmy, it's good to hear from you again.

 

Don't worry, I get the same thing too so it's not just you. Most of the girls I meet only go on one date with me and no matter how well it seemed to be (laughing and having a good time, doing more things than planned, wanting to see each other again), they just disappear and never meet up again. It's also very apparent that they are about to ghost me by the way they reply my texts, very very cold. However, so far I've only seen this behavior from girls who do online dating, so it could just be a trend in the OLD community. If I meet a girl from a mutual interest or through friends and she doesn't do online dating, then things either progress normally or there was no initial spark to begin with. Anyways, this is my two cents, let me know if you guys agree or disagree.

 

Anyways, have you given up on OLD? What other ways are you trying to meet girls? And how is it going recently?

 

If I agree to go out with someone I know in real life, it means I felt chemistry.

 

If I meet someone from an online site, I'm going to see if there IS chemistry. More often than not, there isn't. I still tried to have a great time regardless though.

[Coldarmy13]

I haven't really been looking all that hard for someone lately. I do still have the apps on my phone though. Every once in awhile I'll get a message from someone that seems interesting and who I'd like to meet. It's ridiculous though, no matter how much or little back and forth there is before asking them out, they always ghost/flake. Mostly the "maybe date" or "I'll have to let you know". Then they disappear, if I have their number or not. I know this isn't all that uncommon, but it's happened every time lately. Just some Monday frustrations.

[Ms Darcy]

First world problems. I remember back in the day when trying to date meant actually getting off the couch, off the computer, and meeting new people. :surprise:

[Coldarmy13]

So I have an interesting situation I fell into.

 

So my best friend Brett and I have friends in the Roller Derby crowd so naturally we get to meet a lot of interesting people through there. Obviously most of them women. There is this one we'll call KO. Brett likes KO. Has for what is now been around 8 months. Brett has been with his girlfriend this whole time I'd say over two years now. He really doesn't sound happy with her most of the time and sounds incredibly bored. He stays though, not sure if it's comfort zone or what but he stays and uses that as an excuse not to figure out if KO likes him more than friends. It's completely fair and right to not do this because he technically isn't single. He's noticeably unhappy and definitely likes KO. So for about 5 months I've been on him a bit saying he should go for will make him happiest even if it means he breaks up with his girlfriend. He usually agrees with me and says I'm right but doesn't do anything about it.

 

So just this last weekend was another derby after party. Everything pretty much as normal. They went to one of their houses for the after party but Brett and I went. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. Now since then KO has been messaging me on facebook. KO is great and we have plenty in common. She even went as asking me to grab a drink when she left her friends house. I'd like to get to know her and I'd say it would have really great potential, but naturally my best friend has been waffling and doing nothing about him liking her but it still could be an issue. It is my best friend.

 

So I did what I thought was right and told him today that she had been messaging me all week and inviting me out. That I think she could like me. Sort of that he needed to see where he stand and also told him I wasn't sure what to do about it. Basically trying to stay honest with him and upfront. He seemed to appreciate the heads up but I can tell he wasn't happy about it. Asked me to give him a few days to think about it. Of course I'm thinking "hey you've had 8 months to figure this out".

 

At the end of the day he's my best friend and that's more valuable to me so it's sort of whatever he wants. Should I distance myself from her just because he likes her? Regardless of whether he tries to make a move or if she were to shoot him down? I feel like even if he gave me the ok, that it might get awkward.

[Coldarmy13]

Also not sure about what do about her messaging me. I don't want to just say hey Brett really likes you because that's sort of his job and up to himz

[janut1]

This is one of those hard things to deal with. He may like her, but she may not like him. Im not sure if you even thought about that, but it could be she likes you better and wouldn't date your friend anyway. BUT, I hear it said all the time bros before "women". Ill be nice and not say it the way others do. This could break up a friendship if your friend feels hurt or slighted, but he is NOT SINGLE by choice and if he really is that unhappy with his current gf, he needs to deal with that the right way. But for now he has chosen to stay with his GF.

 

Another thing is, would he really leave his GF and go right into another relationship without a thought? I guess he could, but man that just would suck for his GF to be left for another women. But again, does KO like him enough to date him?

 

This is all a mess and I feel like you did the right thing letting him know and being 100% honest with him about her reaching out to you and asking you out. But again this is a tough situation and you can see it from two points of view. Leave it all alone and don't engage with her, or go for it knowing your friend is probably going to be resentful. Yikes!!!

[notalady]

Dude, your friend has a GIRLFRIEND! Whether he's happy in that relationship or not, he's still taken and in no position to pursue another love interest. He'd also be set up for failure if he dumps his gf for the new girl or if he starts something while he's attached, it's just all kinds of messy. Why would you push him towards that?

 

Yes he has had 8 months to sort himself out, could've broken up with his gf if he wasn't happy, taken time to heal and pursue this girl if he was interested. He didn't do that. That's his business and got nothing to do with you. You've given advice as best friend, many a time, you don't need to say or do anymore on this.

 

Conversely, who are you to choose for this girl who she should or shouldn't be interested in? Eliminating yourself is effectively you making that decision for her. If you're not interested, fair enough, but don't think of yourself as some kind of martyr, deciding what's the best for your mate and this girl. They can decide for themselves.

[Coldarmy13]

Well. I've gently tried to prod and see what the thing is with the two of them. She told me the whole "he is super nice and a good friend" type response. So I feel like he would need to actually speak up and find that out for himself. If he's actually serious about it. You're right though, might be more trouble than it's worth even though otherwise it could have a chance.

[Coldarmy13]

I completely get that it's his business about his relationship and up to him. I was simply posting about a girl I could very well be interested in pursuing and that it's uncomfortable because he didn't sound okay with it. I'm not sure about me choosing anything for anybody. I gave him advice as a Best friend. Now that I've told him this though now he is asking for time to figure out his business and see what he wants to do. So now I have her messaging me and trying to keep it friendly since I know he's liked her for awhile.

[Coldarmy13]

Regardless, guess I should probably try to remove myself from this equation. He probably wouldn't be okay with it regardless of what he might say. Even though, regardless of what he's told me about how unhappy he is, he has made the choice to stay on his relationship. Probably shouldn't have stepped foot into the mess. Usually curious about you guys/gals opinions on things like this, so thank you.

[notalady]

I get that you don't want to get involved, so that's fine.

 

But to be fair, he and this girl has no history, never been on a date, no expression of interest, nothing. It's not like they've dated before and it'd be awkward. Just because he's interested in her doesn't really mean anything, to me anyway. Interests come and go, especially when no actual dating has occurred.

 

If I was the girl, I would feel unfair that the guy I'm interested in and also interested in me decide to not pursue anything because his buddy (who has a gf) may like to have a go at some point, and I'm not even interested in this friend especially given he has a gf or would've just ended a relationship recently.

 

Anyway up to you.

[Coldarmy13]

I get that you don't want to get involved, so that's fine.

 

But to be fair, he and this girl has no history, never been on a date, no expression of interest, nothing. It's not like they've dated before and it'd be awkward. Just because he's interested in her doesn't really mean anything, to me anyway. Interests come and go, especially when no actual dating has occurred.

 

If I was the girl, I would feel unfair that the guy I'm interested in and also interested in me decide to not pursue anything because his buddy (who has a gf) may like to have a go at some point, and I'm not even interested in this friend especially given he has a gf or would've just ended a relationship recently.

 

Anyway up to you.

 

Yeah and that is the bottom line. I am interested but am trying to not mess up a friendship I've had since 3rd grade. That is all. It's about childish but I could see where there would be resentment since I knew he liked her this whole time.

[Ms Darcy]

So I did what I thought was right and told him today that she had been messaging me all week and inviting me out. That I think she could like me. Sort of that he needed to see where he stand and also told him I wasn't sure what to do about it. Basically trying to stay honest with him and upfront. He seemed to appreciate the heads up but I can tell he wasn't happy about it. Asked me to give him a few days to think about it. Of course I'm thinking "hey you've had 8 months to figure this out".

 

Honestly, this is REALLY douchey. He doesn't get to lay ANY sort of claim to a girl - especially when he HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I'm super ticked -- on behalf of both KO and his poor girlfriend.

 

If this was his ex, I could get it. But she's not. His opinion, frankly, doesn't matter.

[Ms Darcy]

Also not sure about what do about her messaging me. I don't want to just say hey Brett really likes you because that's sort of his job and up to himz

 

Good idea on not doing this ... at best it's disrespectful to your friend's gf. At worst, it's facilitating cheating.

[luminousone]

Hi CA,

 

You may very well lose your friendship over this, but I say go for it.

 

Your friend is already taken.

 

The Girl Is messaging you, not him. She is interested in getting to know you.

[Coldarmy13]

It's one of those things. If he wasn't my closest friend since 3rd grade..

 

I'll give him his couple days and see where he's at tomorrow. I guess I'm hoping he'd come to his senses and say well she doesn't like me more than a friend and I'm not single. Go right ahead CA.