Lonely With Her: Ramblings of a madman.

[Coldarmy13]

Unexpected is a better word than taken aback, yes. I'm going to leave it alone but yes I did find it a bit presumptuous, but why complain? I'm all for it.

[Coldarmy13]

I'm not sure if the bloom is off the rose.. well let's just put it this way. Something is wrong on my end.

 

Simply put im in a comfortable state in the relationship and it isn't really exciting anymore, most of the time. I've thought about ending it off and on. But I'm on the fence about it. Maybe it's me being more stressed from work, maybe it's a bunch of things. My sex drive towards her has lessened.

 

I wonder i see her more as a friend now. She is a pretty amazing person. I worry I'll regret it once I'm alone for long enough. She's unselfish, understanding, accommodating and a really good cook. I don't know. If I do keep feeling this way I'll have to end it, suppose I hope things will fix in my mind.

 

Just last night we had actual sex (not foreplay). It was the first time in awhile. I hadn't pursued sex seeing if it would make me miss it or feel differently. It didn't. Smh, I don't know. I don't want to leave a great partner, but also don't want to stay hit to stay. Of course I'm awful about hurting anyone too.

[Coldarmy13]

Or maybe I'm just being dramatic since I haven't beeen in the best mood this month.

[GhostB88]

Most likely that. Your relationship sounds wonderful. If you are serious about her, perhaps it's time to move to the next step. (Engagement, marriage, hint hint

[Coldarmy13]

Nah, I'd say living together would be the next step but that's a ways off. It's been about 5 months.

[GhostB88]

Ah yes. It's been a while since I've seen your update so I wasn't sure where you were.

[Ms Darcy]

Tell her to wear her roller skates in bed.

 

Are you looking for advice? If you are looking for advice, I would say that I think you should just add some spice to your routine. Take a vacation. Cook for her.

 

A certain amount of emotional commitment on your part is really important ... especially when the honeymoon phase ends.

[reinventmyself]

I think the ebb and flow is typical.

 

One minute I can't stand be away from my partner and the next week I am questioning whether I want to be in a relationship at all.

I know not to act on it. . I just ride the wave until the next one comes.

 

I say give is some more time and in the meantime put some more effort into it. You are supposed invest in the relationship to

get something in return. It's doesn't just always `happen'

[Coldarmy13]

I hope everyone here that’s been there for me and have given advice are all doing really well.

 

It’s been about a year and a half. Twice this week including tonight, I wanted to text her and break up, cowardly and selfish.. but I have the absolute hardest time breaking up and hurting someone in person.

 

I haven’t really been excited about the relationship in months. When I’ve done things that have made her happy or laugh, that still feels good.. but I think it’s gotten to the point where I truly love this girl as a person and friend instead of romantically. I don’t feel that urge to do anything sexually when she’s around and I noticed I don’t have much of anything to say. When she asks about something like my day, my answers have become short and stale. If we have plans that need to be cancelled for any reason, I feel relief. Not disappointment. I don’t what else to try to do. I’m out of excuses for myself. It wasn’t a bad day at work or I’m too tired, etc. I’ve just lost romantic interest in her and that sucks.

 

It would’ve been better if she was either of the two women I’ve posted about here years ago. Either treated me poorly or was overly possessive. She is generous to everyone and has a great heart. I feel she’s so anything for me if I asked. The guilt has grinded me all the way down that month or two. We havent told each other we Loved each other this whole time. Which has never happened to me, not a year and a half in. I’ve really feared the day she does say she loves me and I wouldn’t be able to say it back. Not in the same way at least. She is someone I could see as a great friend, but that isn’t enough is it?

[reinventmyself]

Hi Coldarmy!

 

I wish I had an answer for you.

You've wrestled with this for some time.

She may not be the right one. . and that's ok.

[Coldarmy13]

Good to hear from you again!

 

I really have and believe I’ve really tried to push through and make things work on my end. She’s been really great and has really been nothing but a good partner. For some reason I haven’t been able to come around though.

 

She has so many good qualities and gives me plenty of space whenever I’ve needed it with absolutely zero hassle. We’ve never argued. Yet for some reason, here I am. Thinking being alone would be better. Feeling like I’m forcing it, staying together. I can’t truly say I see a big future. I don’t want to waste any more of our time. I’m awful with confrontation and have very rarely had to hurt someone I’ve dated.

 

I was thinking, is it really cowardly or awful to break up over the phone, but offer a chance to meet up if she feels the need to discuss it? I’m so terrible at this. She’s a really tough girl and I’ve never seen her really upset or cry. If I dropped the news to her and saw the hurt on her face it would crush me.

[reinventmyself]

Of course everyone will say face to face is the best way to do it. But it's not the only way. A sincere phone call and discussion about it would be second to that. There is something to be said about being in separate physical spaces makes it easier for both. I am somewhat like you and I'd probably reconsider in the face of an upset person and that's not o.k.

 

What ever you decide to do, I don't doubt you will do it with respect.

Just a word of caution. The time alone sounds very appealing when you don't have it.

When you are granted it. . it's sometimes not what we thought it would be like.

[Coldarmy13]

Sure, i don’t doubt most people with wrestle with some sort of regret and question their decision. I’ve been at it with myself for several months trying to really get a grasp of what I should do.

 

I imagine the emotional head space and loneliness after a break up like this. The time alone doesn’t worry me so much. Lately, we’ve really only seen each other a couple times a week. Largely my fault, but she’s a busy girl too. I’m in a head space now where I don’t love the idea of being alone, but I don’t really know if there’s a future here. We’re both in our 30s and I don’t want to waste her time. That would be selfish and foolish for me to stay just to have someone around.

[janut1]

It sounds like you are ready to move on, but are feeling bad about that decision. You cannot stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them. It would be more hurtful to keep pretending all is okay, even though deep in your heart you know she is not the one for you. You have to ask yourself, do you want to keep this going for another year? Will it ever feel like she is the one for you? If that feeling is not there now, do you think it will ever change? Most likely you would know by now if any of that is possible.

 

I went through this recently too. I broke up with my BF of 18 months because I realized that I wasn't excited to see him anymore. It felt like a chore to make the time to go see him and I was bored when I was with him. There was a lot about that relationship that wasn't clicking or working for me, but I still had the fear of being alone yet again. What I have found now that I have been out of it for a couple of months is Im okay alone. I feel a huge relief that I don't have to pretend anymore either. Of course its sad. I don't think there is a way around that, but that just means we are human.

 

Keep us posted. Good luck!

[boltnrun]

I read this in one of those cheesy teen romance books when I was in high school, but I felt it had some profound meaning:

You can stay in a relationship with her. You can move in together, buy her a ring, and propose marriage. You can marry her, buy a home together and have children together. You can spend the next 50 years with her. All to keep from hurting her, of course.

 

If all that doesn't sound like bliss to you...you know what you need to do.

 

And for the record, I would hate to find out 20 years down the line that someone married me because they felt sorry for me, or because they feared hurting me. I want someone to marry me because they love me romantically and sincerely want to spend the next 50 years with me.

 

Yes, you're going to have to tell her yourself, BTW. Please don't do the texting thing. That would be the ultimate slap in the face, not to mention exceedingly selfish. Unless you feel she deserves to be slapped in the face figuratively and to be horribly hurt, tell her yourself.

[Coldarmy13]

That sounds eerily close to my feeling at the moment, Janut. How’d the actual break up go?

 

We haven’t spoken since she stayed over Saturday night. Which is unusual but not unheard of. It’s been a month or so since we’ve had sex. I guess ideally she’s sensing it coming, but that won’t be the case. She’ll probably text me soon, bubbly and happy, asking me how I’ve been. I can feel what is probably my fake strength building the last couple of days. I’ll just have to tell her we should talk at the soonest opportunity.

 

What’s unfortunate is we actually live about 45 minutes from each other. Usually it’s after her Derby practice,which is near me, when she’d typically come and stay over. It would be just an extra bummer to have to drive home that far after being broken up with.

[janut1]

We did it over the phone, which I know is not best, but I told him that I wasn't feeling like we were going anywhere and that his habits, (drinking and other habit) weren't working for me. Our values were much different which was a big issue for me. I told him what I needed in a relationship and I felt that he couldn't provide that for me. I was also not in love with him. I kept thinking if I was in love, Id want to see him and be with him. I started making excuses for not going to see him, then I knew something was wrong.

 

I feel for you, I do. She is a much better person then my X, but if the feeling is not there, its not okay to keep going forward. You know what you need to do. Over the phone is fine and letting her know if she wants to talk in person you would be willing to do so.

 

Good luck!

[Coldarmy13]

She just texted me the “[emoji8]”. The 3 days of silence must not have had anything to do with her feeling anything like me. Now I have to hurt her.

[Coldarmy13]

She asked how my week was going. I told her really awful and asked if we could talk soon. She said of course and she’s coming by after practice.

 

I’ve never hurt someone so undeserving of it before.

[Coldarmy13]

I did it. She was very understanding. We both cried, me more so. She deserves better and someone who will appreciate her more than I have the last 6 months or so.

[janut1]

I did it. She was very understanding. We both cried, me more so. She deserves better and someone who will appreciate her more than I have the last 6 months or so.

 

I know this was very hard for you. But you did the right thing even if it was sad. Now you can breath a bit and see how you feel about the whole thing after it sits for awhile. Im sure it will feel a little lonely, it always does for a bit no matter how it ends, But you should also feel some relief, which is the biggest sign that you made the right choice.

 

Keep us posted.

[Coldarmy13]

Thank you. Any support is appreciated. I think we’ll still be friends as I love her as a person just romantically.. it died for me.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you. Any support is appreciated. I think we’ll still be friends as I love her as a person just romantically.. it died for me.

 

Take your time. You'll likely second guess yourself some and feel the loss. Just know it's all normal.

Besides, if you were crazy in love with her you would never risk losing, her let alone voluntarily let her go.

Hang in there. Come vent here if you need to.

[Coldarmy13]

I wouldn’t call it regret, but I’ve definitely being feeling all types of things today. I’m ready and know they’re normal.. but they weren’t any fun.

[Coldarmy13]

Well I’m back again. I’ve been doing just fine. It all happened really quickly but I’ve met another woman and she’s amazing and I’ve started feeling the same as I did 3 or so years ago. I’ve been working really hard to keep it all to myself as to not repeat the same mistakes. It’s strange too because she is very much different than the woman that gave me such anxiety and overthinking before.

 

I knew her from years back at a bar I would frequent, she would host karaoke there every Friday. We reconnected after this last relationship and it turned out she was fresh out of relationship herself. Neither of us were really in our relationships and mentally checked out long before ending it. She said she struggled to keep her last relationship going on account of their daughter but eventually couldn’t any longer. She seems to think us reconnecting in similar situations is kismet.

 

My problem lies in why in the world I would be experiencing this anxiety again? It must be a hang up with myself. Like I said before she is much much different. She is very affectionate, reassuring and open. Often sending me cute things and saying how much she misses me when we’re apart. She is also very understanding if I go out and I get a little jealous and even says that she understands and will always do what she can to ease my mind if I’m feeling that way. I’ve recently had an issue where she invited to a bar where she was hosting karaoke. At one point her boss had to come up there because there was an issue with their new software.

 

A little background on him. They had slept together before.. years ago to where none of this should matter. Either way we went out on a double date with her boss and his date that night. I knew they had a past thing but it’s her boss and friend so I was an adult and we got along swimmingly. Fast forward a week or so and she sends me a screen shot of a text he sent her about how much happier she seems now and thinks her and I are a great fit. I thought that was great and it was all good. THE VERY next day she meets him up to the street fair he was working, to return the dj equipment to him and hang out a little at the fair before heading home. She said he made a move on her and grabbed her butt. She said she slapped his hand away and said she wasn’t available. He said what’s the big deal since Her and I weren’t technically together at the time. This was the day after he sent her this text message. He’s also married and sleeps around. So you could see where I don’t like him very much. But I haven’t said anything to him or anything out of respect to her and her job.

 

Now where was I? He came up and that annoyed me. As I pretended for the most part that things were fine and was professional, shook his stupid hand and everything. Nothing bad happened with him that night but his presence annoys me still which can be hard. She knows how I feel about him and understands but says she explains that it’s her boss and she needs the extra money so can’t help having to see him here and there professionally. Which I get. He took over things once he fixed the problem but told her if she stayed and sang (she’s an amazing singer) he’s just pay her for the full shift so she didn’t waste her time. I was feeling very bothered more so than I should have felt and drank a little more than I planned on and was just annoyed and restless the rest of the night. Add to that that a drunk guy at the bar grabbed her and tried hitting on her while she was singing and was immediately removed from the bar. Thankfully I was in the bathroom and only heard of it after I got out or I would’ve been in more trouble. That was about it for me and I was getting upset so I explained I was and left for home. We had plans to sleep over so she came over about an hour after, which was when the bar closed. She knew I was upset and tried comforting me about things and that she knows her job has her around a lot of people and things like that happen?and is sorry.

 

For the last couple days I’ve felt like a mess. Guilty.. confused.. I should be confident in myself and trust that she is choosing to be with me despite all these outside forces. I genuinely feel like she’s been honest with me since we’ve been exclusive and together, yet I’m still flooded with doubts and worst case scenarios. I’ll just stop there for now, I’m sure I’m leaving so many details out but I’d rather just post this long post and get it out there. Maybe it’ll help me keep my head on straight and not mess up something that could be great. I need to find a way to be more confident in her and myself and trust/relax. Otherwise I know it’s all unattractive qualities that push partners away. Vent done for now.