K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Awesome You didn't answer when I asked how it was going so I'm glad to hear it's going well!

 

Oh crap, I must've missed it! Sorry!

 

Yeah, I hope it'll continue going well. I won't be going tomorrow because I'm going out of town, so that's sort of a bummer. But I'm going to see my uncle, who has gaming plans of his own for the weekend, and he has a couch for me to take back with me.

 

I'm feeling really good with the increased venlafaxine dosage. I feel more alert and peppy, and I feel that I have more motivation to get things done. I do feel more tired at the same time, which I suppose is strange. I can hardly stay up past 9-10 pm anymore, and often go to bed well before that.

 

I did go to the gym on Monday and stayed for 45 minutes. I wore the wrong shoes, so they were hurting my toes after that long, and I also didn't want to push myself too hard because I didn't know how I'd feel with the heart rate increase after coming off the phentermine. But I kept it around a stead 150-155 for most of those 45 minutes, and the last couple I pushed it up to 170. I felt just fine. I was ill-prepared on Tuesday and Wednesday (forgot workout pants one day and tennis shoes the next) so I couldn't go; and I have the ACA meeting today and I'm leaving tomorrow after work, so I won't get a chance to go again til next Monday. But I'm determined to plan ahead now and make sure I have everything I need. I figure I'll go Monday through Wednesday, then maybe one day on the weekend if I feel inclined.

 

The next step is to plan my meals. Yesterday I went to the grocery store on my lunch hour and bought a bunch of healthy snacks to leave at work. I got grapes, bananas, apples, carrots, dip for the carrots, granola bars, and a healthy cereal (to eat in the morning).

[thejigsup]

Just be aware that fruits are VERY high in sugar content and not always healthy. My doc said limit fruits but eat many veggies, so that is what I do. Lemon juice is better than dip for food if you are looking to eat healthy and lose weight. I used to use it on broccoli, cauliflower, baked potatoes, and artichokes instead of any kind of dip. Delicious!

[WithLove]

I hate that I love fruits more than veggies. My sweet tooth has always been more demanding than my savory one!

[mhowe]

Grapes are 100 calories a cup!

[thejigsup]

Yep. That's high. A cup of broccoli has far fewer calories and fills you up far better than grapes. I do love me some grapes, occasionally, though. So yummy! I love broccoli and cauliflower, so when I diet, those are my comfort foods.

[Cheetarah]

Blueberries...A cup of blueberries(and that's a lot of blueberries) have about 80 cals. And a host of awesome nutritional benefits. Raspberries have less calories and also less sugar for the same serving size. Berries, in general, are the way to go if you're dieting and want fruit. I think strawberries have even less than raspberries.

[thejigsup]

Strawberries are somewhat low in calories but VERY high in sugar content. They were one of the foods my late fiance's doctor told him to avoid at all costs since he was diabetic. All fruits were mostly forbidden to him. That's were we incorporated veggies into our diet. Low in calories and sugar, high in potassium, magnesium, iron, and all kinds of good things. If I eat fruit, it is bananas. avacadoes, and honeydew melon. I'm not diabetic, but I don't want to be, either.

[Cheetarah]

No, they're not. They're a lower-sugar content fruit. They have a low glycemic index value, too(meaning they are unlikely to cause spikes). You would match carb/sugar content with a cup and a half of sliced strawberries(fresh or frozen, no sugars added) to half a banana.

[WithLove]

I do like strawberries. I like them more than blueberries. Those are someone bitter to me. Can I add sweetener to them?

[reinventmyself]

I find the cravings for sweet things can be unlearned. I have a habit of wanting something sweet after I eat my lunch. It becomes such a distraction until which time I give into it. I have found if I fight it long enough after several days and weeks it starts to go away. It's more of a habit than it is a craving . . at least for me.

 

There was a time I bought some really juicy watermelon gum. . something I wouldn't typically buy. I chewed that rather than attacking the vending machine for a candy bar. I worked great!

 

Today in my lunch I have two small pieces of chocolate in a zip lock bag. I don't dare bring the box, but leave it home. No doubt I'd just eat the whole thing if it was in front of me !

Fruits great and has it's nutritional value, but it's basically sugar. .

[WithLove]

I was in my first car accident yesterday.

 

A guy in a truck 2 cars ahead of me slammed on his breaks. The 2 cars in front of me hit and I had no time to avoid hitting the SUV in front of me. I wasn't following very close and slammed on my brakes too, but I couldn't avoid it. I hit her probably going 30 mph. It wasn't too bad; She had scrapes on her back bumper, and mine has the front bumper smashed in a little. My father is getting it looked at today to make sure everything is just cosmetic damage.

 

But I very sore today. My chest aches; I thought I might have bruising from the seatbelt or from bracing against the steering wheel, but as of this morning it didn't. My shoulders and neck ache too, but likely from bracing against the steering wheel.

 

Things I'm learning from being in an accident: even if you feel fine, take pain reliever. You won't feel fine the next day.

[reinventmyself]

oh wow WL. .Sorry about the accident.

Glad you're ok. .albeit sore today.

It's always a good reminder. . in an instant, our life changes!

[missmarple]

I'm sorry! I've been in a couple accidents but thankfully never anything serious. I hope you'll stop hurting soon!

[WithLove]

Thank you... I'm in a s***ty mood today because of it... But trying to look at the positives. It could have been a LOT worse.

 

Today I also filed my tax return. I'm getting a good sum back (hurray for being poor!) and I'm doing 3 things with it: getting my truck's windshield fixed because it's been cracked for months; getting a new laptop; and putting the rest in savings.

[Cheetarah]

I do like strawberries. I like them more than blueberries. Those are someone bitter to me. Can I add sweetener to them?

 

Like Truvia or something? Sure. Blueberries have more sugar than strawberries, anyhow. I just am a blueberry fiend.

 

Sorry to hear about your accident. Glad everyone is alright.

[thejigsup]

No, they're not. They're a lower-sugar content fruit. They have a low glycemic index value, too(meaning they are unlikely to cause spikes). You would match carb/sugar content with a cup and a half of sliced strawberries(fresh or frozen, no sugars added) to half a banana.

 

I go by what his doctor said. Every damn time the man ate strawberries his blood sugar would go up astronomically. I never ate them. I don't eat much fruit because I dislike sweet things. Believe it or not, I even hate chocolate, except for chocolate almond milk, that is heavenly! My blood sugar is pretty low, I have severe hypoglycemia, so sweets would be good for me, but I just don't like sweet things. Go figure. Lemons and grapefruit help with that, though, so I muddle through with those and my veggies.

[WithLove]

Something truly astonishing happened to me last night.

 

I "liked" a page on social media and was looking through the comments and one guy's post caught my eye. I stalked his profile and saw he liked a lot of things that I did, so on a whim I posted "hey, you like a lot of things similar to me, let's be friends!" and sure enough, he messaged me.

 

We've been talking pretty much solidly for the past 24 hours. I'll call him NY, because that's where he lives. He's very nice, and we've talked a lot about different topics like games, religion, relationships, etc. I feel like he's the male version of myself. He identifies as "almost straight" and when I asked if he was comfortable explaining that, he said that he imagines getting what he wants and needs romantically from women, but that he does occasionally have an attraction to a man. I think it must be really confusing sometimes, but he just seems to accept himself for how he is. I respect that.

 

He said some things that I really loved, though. In speaking about wants and needs from a partner, he said something about how what you want and need changes depending on the partner, and that it's relative. And I realized how true that is, because what I wanted from J is so much more different than what I wanted from previous partners. He also said that what you may want or need from someone isn't always the same as their output level. They may not be capable of giving you what you're requiring, but that doesn't make them a bad person. It just makes them different from you, and not the right person for you. And we joked about the trick is finding out sooner rather than later the answer to that equation.

 

It is really refreshing to have someone to talk to about things like this. Just like from you ladies in here, I'm getting more outside views of love, respect, and compatibility. And I'm feeling more than ever that I'm more in tune to what I want and need from a perspective partner, and that J just wasn't that person. I think I am on the upswing of healing now.

[faraday]

I don't want to be the one that's always saying, "what are you doing?" Especially since when I commented about you not being in a good place to date, you ignored my post because you didn't like it....but apparently it's my destiny to be the "wth?!!?" Poster in your journal.

 

Why are you talking to some guy like this? "Pretty much solidly for 24 hours" why are you talking about relationships with this guy? Slippery slope for you, my validation seeking friend. Just be careful about making a new pattern and not falling into an old one- it doesn't matter how you met, or if you only intended to be friends (or "go slow" like with J). You're doing things that build emotional intimacy...and right now, you should be avoiding that with men. Not forever...but at least until you're in a better place.

 

I'm saying this all with your best interest in mind. I can just see this playing out...and it's going to be a similar pattern of becoming emotionally invested for the wrong reasons.

[thejigsup]

^^

Ditto. Don't repeat patterns that hurt you. Please. DON'T DATE until you are emotionally healthy. Please.

[Cheetarah]

Alright, I'm a dork. I tinkered around in Paint. Don't laugh at my msn paint skills.

 

But I'm serious with the sentiment. To me, this is very transparent because I lived my life like that for a long time. And it drives me insane, much like how ex-smokers are the naggiest people on the planet about smoking. I think about why it drives me crazy, and it's because of how long it took to me to live for myself. It doesn't really matter how I feel, though. I'm just explaining why I am a nag about it.

 

I am willing to bet 10 bucks you're having another marathon conversation with a total stranger who you think is the male version of yourself. Oh, girl. I don't know.

 

]

[faraday]

I like your pie chart

 

And yes, it looks pretty accurate. I think most people go through this at least once in their lives. We all waver in our faith in ourselves from time to time....but it's important to recognize it and get out of that pattern as soon as we can...each time we go through it, it erodes a little bit more of us.

[WithLove]

Whoa. You guys. Slow your roll!!!

 

I'm not looking to get into a relationship with anyone, LET ALONE someone that is long distance, who also is probably bisexual AND because I just don't want one right now. We were only talking, and one of the topics we spoke about happened to be relationships. He spoke about past ones and so did I, and we talked about what we learned from them. The reason I felt good about it was because the way he explained things made a lot of sense to me. And when I thought of how it pertained to J and I, it didn't make me angry or sad. I just felt more justified in my decision to end it. That's why I said I felt like I was on my way upward in terms of healing.

 

I think all of you overreacted because he happens to be a guy. If I had happened to speak about the same things, only with a woman, no one would be batting an eyelash. I just happened to connect with someone that could maybe learn something from me, just as I've already learned something from him.

 

I think I'm doing really, really well in terms of recognizing my patterns. I feel like I am breaking those patterns one by one. I do feel lonely, yeah, but I also feel empowered. I feel excited to come into my own as a woman, because frankly I feel that I haven't done that yet.

 

Please save all your "what are you doing?!" posts for another time. No worries. I got this!

[faraday]

It was the "talking non stop for 24 hours" thing actually. That's not something people normally do with a buddy, but with someone they're interested in. It's not displaying healthy boundaries.

 

Even he had been a chick, I would still have said something.

 

Are you still talking non stop?

[Fudgie]

I think it's okay, K, as long as you know your patterns and aren't look to get attached. Look at what I am doing. I am not avoiding the opposite sex but I am not allowing myself to get attached, just having fun in a safe, non-emotional, non-committal way.

 

He may very well grow keen on you, so just make sure that you have the self-discipline to cut it off when/if needed.

[WithLove]

Okay, I see what you're saying, Faraday. The conversations we had were just ones that kept up a consistent flow for a day. We are still chatty, but not as often. I understand what you guys are saying as far as developing an emotional bond, too. I can also see what I might have done in earlier years: developed a connection with someone and put him on that "hopefully one day" shelf. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending) I'm much more realistic and down to earth now. I have no interest in developing a romantic connection to someone when I'm definitely not ready AND when I know there's a slim to none chance of it working out.