K's Dating Journal

[Cheetarah]

Okay, I think I'll butt out now. Be good to yourself, WL.

[WithLove]

Okay, I think I'll butt out now. Be good to yourself, WL.

 

You don't believe me, do you?

 

That's okay. I don't have a good track record when it comes to relationships, or being good to myself. But I feel different now. I feel good. I'm looking forward to spending time at the gym, getting into shape. I'm excited for my ACA classes and meeting up with my gaming group. I joined another one that meets once a month, so I won't get overwhelmed. The only times I feel lonely are when I'm having an off day or late at night. I'm getting over that, slowly but surely.

 

I appreciate everyone's concern and advice. I really, really do. It makes me feel good knowing that I have people out there looking out for me. Cheet, don't bow out... come back if you feel inclined to say something. I value your advice.

 

If I feel like he's trying to make "this" more than it is, I'll respectfully explain that I don't want anything and stop talking to him. It's as simple as that.

[Cheetarah]

I can't make that call, I have no idea WL.

 

I just feel personally, that journals are meant to be safe places - Even when they are public. I don't have much to offer you right now BUT the nag stuff. And then at that point, your journal isn't going to be your safe place. And it should be. I think we all get in the habit of offering advice even when it isn't asked for. You didn't ask for anything, you simply made an entry. And then here I come with my Paint pie chart, lol. I'm not upset or irritated or ANYTHING like that. I just know what I liked in my journal and if someone pressed when it was clear I didn't want an issue being pressed, I didn't particularly care for it. Even though I understood it was public, leaving it free for comments - I firmly believe still that it should be a safe spot.

 

I'm still reading. Just bowing out for a little while with the pie chart stuff.

[faraday]

At the beginning of July:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a genuine pleasure to get to work and read what you've written above for me, Faraday. Thank you so much for that.

 

I get what you're saying when it comes to settling. I've done it A LOT in my dating history. My first boyfriend - what a complete waste of time. Why is it that your first relationships are usually the ones that screw you up the most? I'm still healing from it - ended it 4 years ago - not healing from the guy, but the things I was forced to confront during that time.

 

This is the first time I've ever talked about this here, I believe - but I will now. My first boyfriend, R, and I dated for 3 years.... but were only intimate the last year we were together. And I had to beg him to have sex with me for my first time. It was my 20th birthday and I had just gotten so frustrated with being in a relationship with someone - LIVING with someone - and not being able to enjoy the benefits. I asked him to please, make love with me. I think I even cried.

 

That experience has scarred me. We only had sex maybe 10 times in the space of that last year. I got rejected so much. He was a "nice guy"; but I completely lost who I was in the relationship. I had no sense of self worth or confidence. And I'm still struggling with it

 

In any case, I believe what you're saying, Faraday. It's a weird situation where I'm very lonely and would genuinely love to have a companion to spend time with; but at the same time, I know you're right in that I would likely overlook certain things that I've been pretty solid on in the past (i.e. smoking cigs or pot, etc). I still think I'm going to start looking at Meetup groups again, but purely to meet new people and put myself out there socially.

 

 

A week and a half later:

I signed up for OKC over the weekend. Just the one site. Been chatting to 2 guys, but one went dark and the other's last message was something like "You seem perfect on paper! If you ever need a plus one for cool activities, hit me up!" and I took it as, he wasn't interested in talking anymore. So, nothing to report on the dating front.

Mid July:

J and I have been texting all day. He asked me out on a date next week. I'm excited!

 

End of July:

I've decided, against everyone's advice, that I'm going to continue talking to him. But I'm not going to suggest dates. If he wants to make an effort and come to my side of the area, he can. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue talking to others. I'm not going to limit my dating pool to someone that likely won't work out for me. But in the meantime, I like talking to him.

Beginning of August:

I do know that my guard will be way up. I think I'm giving myself an internal deadline of a month. If we've seen each other a couple times and I don't feel like it's going anywhere, I'll end it.

 

And I give you credit, you did end it. But you did start out saying, "I won't date. I will work on myself" and not even a week later, you were signed up for online dating, and then a few weeks after that, you were in a relationship with J, saying "I know you all see red flags, but I'm doing it anyway."

 

All I'm saying is...slippery slope (that gains momentum extremely fast) for you. You seek validation from others. You're not in an emotionally healthy place. It's great that you recognize it...now stop seeking validation from men (like new fb guy). And you can say, "he's a bisexual man on the other side of the country" and you're not interested...but you weren't that interested in J initially either, and that escalated quickly. Because it's not about the guy, but what he's saying to you. You were flattered by what J said to you, so you kept dating now him even though red flags everywhere, and you weren't super attracted to him. Don't do that again with this guy.

 

I'm saying this with love. Not to be mean. Not to sound judgemental. But because I really like you K, and I want you to be happy. And I'm standing here watching the pattern start to repeat itself...and I'm calling you out on it. Don't do it again. You're worth so much more.

[faraday]

My post took forever to make, so I didn't see all the subsequent posts...and I want your journal to be a safe place too, where you feel like you can post...so I will shut up about this and support you...but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, put yourself first. Please take care of yourself and protect your heart and do not become invested in these conversations with this guy.

[faraday]

You don't believe me, do you?

 

That's okay. I don't have a good track record when it comes to relationships, or being good to myself. But I feel different now. I feel good. I'm looking forward to spending time at the gym, getting into shape. I'm excited for my ACA classes and meeting up with my gaming group. I joined another one that meets once a month, so I won't get overwhelmed. The only times I feel lonely are when I'm having an off day or late at night. I'm getting over that, slowly but surely.

 

I appreciate everyone's concern and advice. I really, really do. It makes me feel good knowing that I have people out there looking out for me. Cheet, don't bow out... come back if you feel inclined to say something. I value your advice.

 

If I feel like he's trying to make "this" more than it is, I'll respectfully explain that I don't want anything and stop talking to him. It's as simple as that.

 

And part of the reason that I'm posting about keeping your head on...is that not even a week ago you were talking about feeling really down, really lonely, wanting to join things to meet new people/ friends( which is AWESOME!) so I know you're not in a particularly great place. I think you feel good today because you've been validated by this guy. So just...be aware. I like you

[WithLove]

I'm not seeking validation, though. I can't express that enough. I'm so much aware that it's my pattern and what I do. I feel stupid and immature for allowing it to continue for so long. But I know now, and that's what's important. I'm talking to a guy that is giving me perspective on different things not just dating. I don't feel an emotional attachment to him. I'm just appreciating what his opinions are bringing to the conversation.

 

I don't know what else to say. I just know that in taking the time after breaking up with J, I'm feeling more every day that I made the right decision. And going through it with everyone in here, plus my ACA classes, are helping me break my pattern. Some of the comments he made regarding wants and needs in a relationship made a lot of sense to me, and further proved that I'm on the right track. That's all. I have no interest in him above chatting occasionally. The time we talked over the weekend was nice, but it'll be unlikely to repeat to that degree. And if it does, and I feel like my boundaries are being overstepped - I'll withdraw. It won't pain me to do so.

[WithLove]

And part of the reason that I'm posting about keeping your head on...is that not even a week ago you were talking about feeling really down, really lonely, wanting to join things to meet new people/ friends( which is AWESOME!) so I know you're not in a particularly great place. I think you feel good today because you've been validated by this guy. So just...be aware. I like you

 

Last week I was still feeling the effects of coming off the phentermine and the increased venlafaxine dosage. Over the weekend and today I feel so much better. I don't think it has to do with him. I felt this way Saturday, before talking to him.

 

I don't view wanting to meet new people and make new friends as a sign of being down and out. I view it as already being there and recognizing that I need to reach out to someone. To me, it feels like a sign that I'm done wallowing and wanting to move forward. It's positive.

 

I guess I could say I feel validated in the sense that speaking with him further proved, to me, that I'm in the right place. Not because of the other reasons I used to look for men (needing to feel like I'm dateable/worthy).

[reinventmyself]

No matter how you slice it having intimate conversations for 24 hrs about dreams and wants fills a void.

It's ok. . it's just a matter of what you do with it from here on.

I could see if I were coming out of a bad place that might be attractive and very safe.

 

I am sure we've given you enough to think about.

I trust what you do from here on will be in your own best interest. You're a smart lady WL.

 

Keep up on the Meet ups and getting out!

[WithLove]

Feeling really good. My medication is finally "gelling" with my moods. I've had family in town staying with me for 3 days and I didn't get irritated at all, even though normally I'm over it by the end of the first day. The best part is that yesterday, at the gym, a lady came to walk the treadmill next to me, and started talking to me. I find out she's actually a trainer and was excited about my journey in losing weight. She offered to show me the machines for lifting, probably today! I'm really excited about that. It wasn't until I learned how to operate the machines and started lifting weights that I finally understood why people would get excited to go to the gym.

 

I feel good.

 

Oh and that guy I was talking with - it has died down a lot, like I suspected it would. Only a few friendly messages here and there.

[notalady]

You know, for a while in my early to mid 20s, I chose to make a lot of my personal connections online in favour of meeting new people in real life (and that was actually before I had a smart phone lol), there was a lot of philosophical chats and relationship chats too, for long hours. And now I see one of my friends in her late 20s doing the same with a guy from overseas, whom she only intend to be friends with, but I can see her getting attracted to him over time.

 

I don't know why it appealed to me back then, whether it's just because it was easier or something and in a way it did feel validating to have people to chat to everyday from the comfort of my own home, not having to make a real effort to make or maintain these connections (because most of them were not in my city or country, so it's not like we'd meet). To me, they were not real. I don't think it was healthy, so I made a conscious effort to grow out of it. But I get why you might have reached out to make one such connection online. As long as you know it's not real, it's all good.

[WithLove]

I'm not sure why I reached out to him. I suppose I'll be able to analyze it later, when we're no longer in contact and I'm in a better place. But I do understand what you said about getting a thrill in being able to connect with someone without actually having to put in much effort at all. If this was all I was doing, I'd be worried for myself (and probably in twice as much denial about it).

 

But I'm making efforts to make friends and meet people outside of my home and work, too. I'm meeting with a gaming group every Friday and meet new people there each time. I joined another gaming group that plays about once a month on Saturdays. I don't want to do too much, because I know I would get overwhelmed and then just withdraw until I saw on one at all. But I'm actually having fun with meeting new people on my terms. I'm also dedicating time for the gym. I'm trying to eat better (which is still a process and not one I'm doing very well with, admittedly). I go to ACA classes every Thursday. But I have a vision and a goal. I feel very clear-sighted and level-headed, for the first time in a very long time. I feel at peace with myself, a little.

 

I know I still have a long way to go. But it's strange.... I see myself how I am right now, and I see who I can be in the future.... and I know that even though the journey may be a long one, it's only going to get better from this point. And I'm excited about that.

[faraday]

I'm glad you're feeling better

 

I find people staying with me to be normally pretty tough too...but I have noticed since I started taking ADD meds that I handle people a lot better than I normally would...normally it gets really overwhelming really fast...and with jays family this year, I did pretty good considering the level of introvert that I am. Who stayed with you? What did you guys do?

 

Does the trainer want to charge you or just show you stuff? Be careful with that, sometimes they have ulterior motives

[WithLove]

Faraday - My cousin stayed over with me. She came over to be supportive of my grandmother and her surgery. I didn't know she'd be over til that day (Sunday), and was like "I'm gonna crash with you!". I don't do that very well normally. But I handled it pretty well, I thought. We mostly just watched movies and went window shopping. She left this morning, so I'll be going home to solitude, which I'm glad for. But still - having someone stay with me for 3 days is a huge improvement on my part!

 

The trainer didn't mention charging me. I had told her how I wanted to ask someone to show me, but was too shy to do it yet; and she just said she'd be happy to show me how to operate them. I know she hosts a spin class at my gym on Saturdays and elsewhere on other days; when I see her again, I'll ask her if she's expecting anything. I seriously doubt she is, only because when I shared my story of struggles and the weight loss meds etc, she told me hers about how she lost 200 lbs and that my spirit reminded her of her own. So we seemed to build up a good rapport. But if she does ask for a fee, I'll thank her for the support and decline.

[WithLove]

Not feeling so hot today. I took a shower after the gym last night and fell asleep rather quickly (and early)... but I didn't sleep well, kept waking up, and I woke up for good this morning with a terrible headache. I'm also having some stomach issues... I haven't had a bowel movement in days and I took something first it yesterday afternoon, but it hasn't worked yet. (sorry if TMI)

 

Anyway, I took some aspirin with my regular meds this morning and I'm still waiting for them to take effect. Just not feeling it today. I hope I feel better for my ACA meeting later after work.

[WithLove]

I did a bad thing... I don't think of it as bad, but you guys will.

 

I looked for an old ex on social media because I was bored. I haven't looked him up in aaaages. Looks like he's dating someone new and she looks JUST LIKE ME. So of course I had to stalk her page... and it's like looking at my own. I think she even lives in the same neighborhood as me, too. Which means there may be a chance of seeing his car or him.

 

Either way, I couldn't care less. We didn't keep in contact after splitting, even though it was mutual. I wish him happiness. It just makes me wonder - if he likes the same type of women, I wonder why he and I couldn't make it work longer? It doesn't matter now and I'd never date him again, but it does make me curious.

[notalady]

Maybe he just has a physical type?

[faraday]

I don't think looking up an ex is bad if you've moved past that person.

 

And you guys didn't work because you didn't. No two people are identical, despite what their interests are, or how they look.

[WithLove]

Today I got the urge, for the first time since J, to make an OLD profile.

 

Still fighting the urge. I'm breaking my patterns. I won't look for validation just because I want companionship, or because I want someone else to concentrate on. Can't do it.

[reinventmyself]

I think there is something to be said about chatting to the one guy, looking up ex's and then considering putting up a profile.

I don't think these things are a coincidence. But I'm not judging! Just pointing out a pattern.

 

Do things when you're ready WL!

[WithLove]

I'm aware of my pattern.

[Ms Darcy]

Either way, I couldn't care less. We didn't keep in contact after splitting, even though it was mutual. I wish him happiness. It just makes me wonder - if he likes the same type of women, I wonder why he and I couldn't make it work longer? It doesn't matter now and I'd never date him again, but it does make me curious.

 

I remember Faraday mentioning a guy she dated like this ... who dated other guys who look like her. I think people just have a physical type but personality wise there is usually a lot of difference between folks.

[Seymore]

I did a bad thing... I don't think of it as bad, but you guys will.

 

I looked for an old ex on social media because I was bored. I haven't looked him up in aaaages. Looks like he's dating someone new and she looks JUST LIKE ME. So of course I had to stalk her page... and it's like looking at my own. I think she even lives in the same neighborhood as me, too. Which means there may be a chance of seeing his car or him.

 

Either way, I couldn't care less. We didn't keep in contact after splitting, even though it was mutual. I wish him happiness. It just makes me wonder - if he likes the same type of women, I wonder why he and I couldn't make it work longer? It doesn't matter now and I'd never date him again, but it does make me curious.

 

That's not bad at all, at least to me. I did that about a month ago. Looked up both of my (serious) exes before my most recent. One is on the other side of the country, the other has 3 (going on 4) kids in the 7 years since I left her, and selling sex toys as a "profession". It was worth the laugh. I haven't laughed much since my breakup. And I felt zero when I looked at both profiles.

 

But my most recent ex, I wish struggle. I wish that she struggled as much as I did when I was with her. I want her mind to be as screwed up as mine is now.

 

That's where I envy you. You wish him well, and I want to get to that point. Or to where I don't even care.

[IAmFCA]

I did a bad thing... I don't think of it as bad, but you guys will.

 

I looked for an old ex on social media because I was bored. I haven't looked him up in aaaages. Looks like he's dating someone new and she looks JUST LIKE ME. So of course I had to stalk her page... and it's like looking at my own. I think she even lives in the same neighborhood as me, too. Which means there may be a chance of seeing his car or him.

 

Either way, I couldn't care less. We didn't keep in contact after splitting, even though it was mutual. I wish him happiness. It just makes me wonder - if he likes the same type of women, I wonder why he and I couldn't make it work longer? It doesn't matter now and I'd never date him again, but it does make me curious.

 

Absolutely have done this. It helped me get over someone I was already way over, if that makes any sense.

[notalady]

Absolutely have done this. It helped me get over someone I was already way over, if that makes any sense.

 

I agree, seeing an ex (especially in real life) often helps me verify if I'm over them.