K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Well - I did it!!! I went to the ACA meeting. I initially sat in my truck outside the entrance for like 10 minutes, fighting the urge to turn around and drive away. But I finally made myself get out and go inside.

 

It was..... like a breath of fresh, clean air. You know that feeling, when you go visit somewhere that's out in the mountains in the middle of nowhere (or similar) and when you breath in, it's just so much more heady than a breath of air from in the city? That's how it felt to me.

 

There was just 3 of us there last night; sometimes there's more, sometimes less. Me, another woman and the meeting coordinator. I'm not allowed to discuss the contents of each meeting, but I'll describe what we did. We read from the ACA Red Book. We would collectively decide on a theme or idea that we wanted to discuss and would look that up in the index; then we'd each read from the paragraph that it directed us to, and each person would share if that information pertained to them and why. We aren't allowed to offer advice or constructive criticism; we just share whatever we want, as much as we want, and each person listens and offers feedback, or further supports your statements with statements of their own.

 

It was really nice. We were all there for completely different family addictions, but it was like we were the same person. We would read a paragraph that explained certain traits that ACAers have, and it was as if the book was describing each of us perfectly. Amazing.

 

I'll be going back next week.

[Cheetarah]

Good for you!!

[Seraphim]

That is the first step to freedom!

[missmarple]

Way to go, WL!

[WithLove]

Thanks ladies!!! It was a great experience. Much better than expected.

 

Current mood: anxious as all hell. Feeling ill. My chest is pounding, my shoulders and upper arms are aching, my vision is out of focus, and I'm shaking. Sigh. Man, if I can make it through this... I can make it through anything.

[Seraphim]

Anxiety is terrible. I suffer from anxiety attacks and panic attacks but can control the majority of them through controlling my thoughts. Therapy helped in a big way for that.

[WithLove]

I'm normally quite alright when it comes to anxiety, unless there's something specific triggering it. I deal more with the depression part. But the weight loss meds I'm taking have severely increased the anxiety by raising my heart rate. I didn't really feel it until I started getting weaned off the topiramate.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely , an increased heart rate does lead to more anxiety. I have been tachycardic most of my life. My resting rate is above 100. And it has never been medicated. My mom is tachycardic but she is medicated. I always had low blood pressure but two years ago it started creeping up so now I'm high average. 130/90. I used to be 110/70.

[reinventmyself]

I'm normally quite alright when it comes to anxiety, unless there's something specific triggering it. I deal more with the depression part. But the weight loss meds I'm taking have severely increased the anxiety by raising my heart rate. I didn't really feel it until I started getting weaned off the topiramate.

 

Oh no . .I've suffered from anxiety and still do, but to a much lessor extent. I am sorry for anyone who has to deal with it. I often say I'd rather have surgery with no anesthesia then suffer from anxiety. Then again I've never had surgery without any and may regret saying that.

But in the moment, you can feel absolutely desperate for relief.

I am hoping it's just the side effects of the change in meds. Otherwise you'll need to dig a little to see what's triggering it. Not easy to do in throws of anxiety.

 

Good for you and the meeting!

That was a very brave step and I am so glad it was a positive experience.

Hang in there WL

It will get better!

[WithLove]

^ Yes, when you're amidst all the anxious thoughts and feelings, it feels like there's no relief. And you'll do anything to find some. It's like a toothache.

 

I do have other pills I can take if it gets too bad, or grows into 'panic attack' territory. I try not to take those; they are one of the most popular pills that people get addicted to, and I'm scared of that happening, so I take them very sparingly. I got them prescribed about a year and a half ago and still haven't finished the 30-day supply.

[reinventmyself]

Xanax or it's generic Alprazolam? (Or the long list of other Benzos)

I've taken it off an on for 15 years. Mostly for sleep and at times (maybe once every other month) for anxiety and I can tell you I have no dependence on them.

I've gone months with out taking them and I've taken them continuously for months as well, so I know.

 

I've read all the literature on it and anything on the internet and yet it surprises me some.

It may just be me. I am not wired to have vices I suppose.

Famous last words, right??

[WithLove]

Xanax. I've done research on it too, and there was a period a couple months ago where I was taking one a day for about a week. It was a totally stressful week for me. But I stopped, even though I probably could have kept taking them, because I was scared of becoming addicted. They make me feel weird. Sort of like... I'm just floating along, cool as a cucumber.

[reinventmyself]

.. I'm just floating along, cool as a cucumber.

 

Exactly!

[Seymore]

My aunt, who's a psych, also told me that Xanax isn't addictive. I don't buy that for a minute...ANYTHING is addictive if you're prone to addictive behavior.

 

My ex's best friend worked at a hospital and would steal Xanax literally by the ziploc bag for her. She had some in her room, in her car...not prescribed, just took it (or drank, or both) every little time something went wrong.

 

Good job going to ACA, btw!

[reinventmyself]

yah. . having said all that I have a friend who's dr prescribes her bucket size bottles of the stuff!

Probably 100 of the highest dose bars that you break in half.

She pops them like tic tacs. I can safely say she's addicted.

 

I get no more than 30 a month. Kinda hard to get in trouble . . and it's just not in my makeup.

I'm pretty boring that way and I plan on staying so.

 

Shoot . .people get addicted to Diet Coke. It's all relative, I suppose

[Seymore]

Boring, my booty! They should harvest your genes and rid the world of addiction! lol

[WithLove]

But they make me feel like I'm hovering above myself. Like I'm not completely there, you know? I don't like it. But if I feel panicky or if I'm going to break down at work, that's when I take it... because even feeling nothing is better than feeling those things at work.

[WithLove]

Boring, my booty! They should harvest your genes and rid the world of addiction! lol

 

Hmmm..... I think this is the first time "booty" has been used in my journal.

[reinventmyself]

They just takes the edge of for me. . and makes me sleepy.

[faraday]

My tapatalk is f-ed up again, so posting is hard...but I just wanted to say...I'm so proud of you! I'm so glad you went to the meeting You did good!!

[thejigsup]

Absolutely , an increased heart rate does lead to more anxiety. I have been tachycardic most of my life. My resting rate is above 100. And it has never been medicated. My mom is tachycardic but she is medicated. I always had low blood pressure but two years ago it started creeping up so now I'm high average. 130/90. I used to be 110/70.

Be careful, Vic. 130/90 is pre high blood pressure. My doctor advised me to keep mine at 120/75, but not below. Being post menopausal, this is important to him that I do this. I am on meds and a regular exercise routine. Just keep an eye on it, please. As you age, your blood pressure will keep going up and that is scary to me. I eat right and exercise regularly, but I still need the meds. Without them I can get as high as 145/97. Not good.

[Seraphim]

Be careful, Vic. 130/90 is pre high blood pressure. My doctor advised me to keep mine at 120/75, but not below. Being post menopausal, this is important to him that I do this. I am on meds and a regular exercise routine. Just keep an eye on it, please. As you age, your blood pressure will keep going up and that is scary to me. I eat right and exercise regularly, but I still need the meds. Without them I can get as high as 145/97. Not good.

 

I do get as high as 150/100 when agitated. My dad's whole family is riddled with high blood pressure and my mom and her family are passing out from low blood pressure...

[WithLove]

I went to the doctor this morning. My B/P was 110/70. Heart rate taken at that time was 117, before the phentermine pill had kicked in. I asked to be taken off of it. I'm miserable on it. It works, but it's just not worth the side effects that comes with it. I don't want to sacrifice any more of my health. I can do it the old-fashioned way.

 

The doctor agreed to taper me off of them. I am to take one every other day for a week or two, depending on how I feel; then one every third day for another week or until I feel I can go without. She said normally if these were to land someone in the hospital, they take you off of them right away - but given my history of side effects with meds, we will play it safe.

 

She also had me do an EKG, to make sure there was no damage to my heart. It was normal and strangely, by that time my heart rate had lowered to 85. I don't get it.

 

She also approved my request to go up to 150 mg of the venlifaxine. I'll start that tomorrow.

[WithLove]

On Friday, I decided to go on meetup and RSVP'ed to a group that reserves the back room of a local pizzeria and they bring board games and tabletop games to play all evening. I went and had a fantastic time! I played 3 different games and made some tentative new friends. There were like 2 dozen people and they meet there every Friday evening. I'm going to go back next week!

 

I'm really trying to stretch out of my comfort zone to get help and to make friends. I'm really surprised that I haven't been rejected for reaching out. I guess I always assumed I would be.

[Seraphim]

My son LOVES to go to game meet ups. It is how he socializes.

 

I find 99% of the time people don't reject you if you reach out.