K's Dating Journal

[reinventmyself]

Feeling good today. I actually stayed asleep for about 5 hours straight without waking! That's amazing for me. I know I said I sleep a lot, and I do - but I don't sleep for long period of time. I wake up constantly, like every hour at least. So I sleep so much because I never get 'good' sleep. But last night I did! I'm in a good mood today.

 

I can, however, feel some darkness hovering. Like when I think about New Years and how I won't have J around. My plan is to stay in (away from traffic and traffic stops) and drink with my online friends as we play video games. Same thing I did last year. And I had a great time last year doing that. So, hopefully it won't be too bad.

 

I still haven't arrange to get my dress or gifts from his mother. I also have some things of his. I don't think I should contact him. I haven't since we spoke out meeting up on 12/18. He was supposed to text me the week after that, but never did and I didn't text him either. I'm thinking of just putting his things in a box and mailing them to him. I have his address. I can only hope he will repay in kind.

 

I think I just dislike not having someone that's special to me, and that I'm special to also. It sucks.

 

I'm sorry WL.

Looking forward to holidays being behind us. Makes our expectations higher and our disappointments deeper.

[Cheetarah]

^ Me, too. And mines not even related to romantic relationships. I get 'weird' around the holidays, I always have. It was better for 2 years but then this year it was pretty crappy again. I would have preferred to stay home with my little family and not seen my extended family and their friends, in which I wind up feeling like 1) a black sheep and 2) exhausted and not having fun because all I am doing is chasing my son around trying to get him not to break ornaments or one of the other numerous breakable things in their house while everyone gets drunk.

 

I'm staying in New Years. My son and I are going to drink sparkling grape juice. I'm going to play video games. And it sounds good to me!

[Seymore]

Another one staying in and playing video games here. I'll actually probably be in bed by 11. Last year I made dinner reservations for us and afterwards we stayed in and watched a movie with her kids, same thing year before. I've never been a fan of NYE but this one's gonna sting.

[WithLove]

My uncle (by marriage), who is one of my best friends and has been close to me for a number of years, invited me over to his place for the New Year. He'll be with his wife and her daughter, though. And honestly, I just don't want to be around other couples.

 

I've asked around to see who will be online for New Years, but I forgot that I think I'm the only one that's single currently. Booooooo.

[WithLove]

A male friend that I met through J just asked if I'd like to go play pool on Friday with him, strictly as friends. Would that be a massive conflict of interest, do you think? He's the one mutual friend of J's left that I didn't remove from social media, the one that doesn't ever post about friends in general, in case anyone remembers that post.

[mhowe]

I think it is best that you leave J's friends to J.

[reinventmyself]

Yah. . the act of even questioning it gives you your answer.

If there were no question, then go.

If you have to think about it, I say don't.

[Seymore]

Unless you wanna risk hearing about J, I definitely wouldn't. I wouldn't anyway, lol.

[WithLove]

I know he won't talk about J. We had talked about going to play pool together even when J and I were together, in front of J. I'd really like to get out and do this just once, because the place he's going to is fairly close to me and I may meet others that will make me comfortable enough to go alone.

[reinventmyself]

I know he won't talk about J. We had talked about going to play pool together even when J and I were together, in front of J. I'd really like to get out and do this just once, because the place he's going to is fairly close to me and I may meet others that will make me comfortable enough to go alone.

 

So . .does that mean you'll go?

Have you thought of informing J, just to head anything awkward off at the pass?

[mhowe]

I think you have ulterior motives and you should examine them.

[Seymore]

I know he won't talk about J. We had talked about going to play pool together even when J and I were together, in front of J. I'd really like to get out and do this just once, because the place he's going to is fairly close to me and I may meet others that will make me comfortable enough to go alone.

 

I still think you're playing with fire. He won't talk about J but might talk to J about you. Is that what you're counting on?

[WithLove]

I really don't have ulterior motives, honest. I would definitely say so if I did. I just want to go out and be social. I love pool and I'm good at it, and he's the first person I've met in a long time that likes to play and is good at it, too. If it was someone else, anyone else, that I knew and invited me, I'd still go. I've wanted to go to this pool hall for awhile because it's close to me, but don't want to go alone the first time. I'm hoping that going once with someone I know will make me comfortable enough to keep going even alone.

[mhowe]

I think that going alone is a fine idea. Even joining a team there. I thinking gngoing with a friends of Js is a smokescreen to get into his orbit.

[Ms Darcy]

My uncle (by marriage), who is one of my best friends and has been close to me for a number of years, invited me over to his place for the New Year. He'll be with his wife and her daughter, though. And honestly, I just don't want to be around other couples.

 

I've asked around to see who will be online for New Years, but I forgot that I think I'm the only one that's single currently. Booooooo.

 

I understand not wanting to be around couples, but isn't this different? It's family.

 

I would prefer this to being alone on New Years personally.

[WithLove]

It's not. This friend of J's doesn't hang out with J a lot; hardly ever. I only met him twice, by chance, in the 4 months I dated J. I know enough about him that he won't bring J up, and even if he did, he would wait for me to bring him up first and I wouldn't. This has nothing to do with J. It's just me wanting to go out and be social.

[WithLove]

I feel like the closer it gets to a holiday, the more aware I am of just how much a mess I am. Sigh.

 

Topiramate day. F**k this med.

 

Looking into Al-Anon today.

 

Things have to change. Next doctor's appointment, I'm going to ask about upping my venlafaxine dosage. I've been on 75 mg for close to a year, I think. I think it needs to be increased. 75 is just the base dosage; extended release can be increased up to 225 mg. I think jumping it to 100 mg would be a good place to start.

[WithLove]

So I just got back from going to play pool with J's friend.

 

It was fine, as I hoped it would be. We did talk about relationships, but not about mine and J's, at all. He talked about what he wants in one, about times he's gotten screwed over, and about some women that he has made moves on but they either ignored his advances or didn't get the hints he provided. I shared some of my stories too and it was fun! We traded advice on different techniques about being approachable. He's very different from me in that he loves being around lots of people and has a lot of close friends that he's had for decades. But we also have a lot in common, too. He described how he gets frustrated because he always runs into the problem of women thinking of him as a brother instead of someone to pursue.

 

Anyway, I was a teeny bit worried that even though he asked me to play pool as friends, that maybe he really did have some sort of ulterior motive. But for once, everything was exactly as thought. Just two people being social over a couple games of pool.

 

One thing that I took away from this was that he mentioned having a crush on that same female friend that I perceived J to be flirty with. Apparently he's had a crush on her for years. And I think secretly J will always like her as more than a friend but has resigned himself to never getting her. And suddenly I felt like.. Even though I had been part of J and everyone's circle of friends for a couple of months, and they all took me in as if I had been there for years.. I feel like I was never "part of the club". Like they all must've traded crushes on each other throughout the years or something. Idk. It made me feel really strange, and also.. Really glad, somehow, that I'm not involved in that any longer.

 

I think this outing was good for me, if only for that conclusion I came to. I feel like, getting that scrap of info from him.. It's what is going to let me finally start letting go of J. Because up until today, I still wanted to hold out for him. Take time apart, with no contact, and let us work through our own s***t. Because I really believed we would find each other again. But now... Idk, since hearing that, it's like my eyes are finally open. And my heart is finally allowing the logic to reach it. We were good together, but in the end, I really feel that the pressure for marriage and kids would have broke me, and us.

[mhowe]

I think the girl in question must be very pretty and very outgoing and every guy in her orbit has a secret crush on her. And in time, they all realize that is all it will ever be.

 

I think it's good that you are allowing reality to set it. Because until you get your head on straight, you won't be ready for a long term relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the girl in question must be very pretty and very outgoing and every guy in her orbit has a secret crush on her. And in time, they all realize that is all it will ever be.

 

I had a friend like this in college. She was model pretty (she was invited to be on the America's Next Top Model show and made it to the top 20) and very very smart (Rhodes Scholar semi-finalist). She was very extraverted and positive and funny. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, in great shape. Best of all, she was/is a very nice person. Almost every guy on campus had a huge crush on her.

 

The only downside of it, though, was that she had a hard time finding someone who didn't really see her, deep down, as some sort of trophy.

 

She dated the son of a famous actor for a couple of years. She's married now (to a very odd looking guy who is wicked smart and they really love each other.)

 

No matter who you are, dating is tough.

 

It's good you got out of the house and socialized though!

[Seymore]

I'm glad you found a bit of peace that helped you let go of J a bit more. The world has a way of surprising us, so you never know what the future holds, but as long as you realize you can't hold out on one person I think you'll be fine.

[WithLove]

She's beautiful, outside and in. I kept waiting for there to be something I hated about her; surely no one is that good of a person, right? I think she has a bit of a drinking problem, but otherwise she's beautiful, very nice, funny, and a loyal friend. It's no wonder she has all the guys wrapped around her finger; and weirdly, she doesn't take advantage of that, at least not that I could tell. It's not her fault. It's just how she is.

 

I do feel a sense of loss, knowing I'll never be her, and thus, having enough insight to know I'll never be J's first object of desire. But it's a bit of a relief to know that, understand it and not be angry. And I feel relieved, as I said before, not to be involved so closely with that group of people anymore.

 

I guess I just can't compete with a woman like her. And I don't want to. I hope she finds someone outside of that circle.

[WithLove]

I don't want to be someone's second choice, you know?

[Ms Darcy]

For the guy who is right for you, you never have to compete.

[WithLove]

Female friend noticed today that I removed her from my friend list on social media, because she re-requested me today. I haven't responded. It's a shame because I really want to accept it. But I'm just not ready to reopen that can of worms.