K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

Today was good. I spent time with my mom. I also spent time on my apartment, doing regular things like dishes, laundry, etc. I just normally don't have the energy or motivation for those things. I put them off. But today I just felt.. Better. More empowered. I think I'll be okay.

[faraday]

You will be okay You are okay

 

I find that having things clean around me makes me want to do things...it puts me in a great mood. You just set yourself up for a good tomorrow.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

Today I deleted all of J's texts.

[faraday]

It's a weird feeling, hey?

 

 

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[WithLove]

It made me a little sad. I think maybe just because it's finally a little cooler today, and it's raining, too. Cuddle weather. Makes me sad and ache for company.

[WithLove]

I did more cleaning at my apartment. More laundry. I even did linens, which I always leave til last, til I absolutely need them. I don't feel well today; I think my body is protesting all the extra calories and carbs from the holidays. Whenever I have a day where I eat a lot more than normal, I already feel really physically awful the next day. I'll be glad to get back to a regular eating schedule again. I'm going to pack my gym back and have things ready for tomorrow.

[WithLove]

I'm lonely. I'm doing better, I feel, but I'm lonely, too. I hope it passes.

[faraday]

I think being human is lonely. Sometimes...I feel lonely even with Jay...even with Tine...even in a room full of people. Idk...I find loneliness not to be about other people...it's more about me. I know that might not make sense...I'm struggling to explain it though.

 

I guess it's like...even if I'm with someone, they can't meet every need I have at every moment. Sometimes when we have a need, we have to find out how to solve it on our own, or with other people (other than the ones we have around or don't have around).

 

Since you're thinking about taking a dating break, it might be a good time to work on developing friendships with people in your area.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

I am working on that. I requested to join a Facebook group with local gamers that meet weekly. They are meeting this Friday, which I was going to go to, but I decided to out of town instead. I'm also going to the ACA meetings on Thursdays. And I'll be doing the gym regularly. I'm also making a point of connecting with a few people I used to be friendly with a few years ago. We were chatting via text over the weekend.

[faraday]

Nice, I'm glad to hear it

 

At the gym, as you become more of a regular, you'll notice other regulars too- sometimes they can become friends I don't go to the gym, but jay makes friends at climbing gyms, and my dad goes 5 mornings a week, and he became friends with all the people his age that are retired, and they go for coffee after work outs and stuff- it's cute.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[Ms Darcy]

Trust me, you can be married to the love of your life, never be alone, and be lonely! I agree loneliness is apart of the human condition. As is hunger. Loneliness is like hunger actually. I have a great friend who is naturally very thin and we have had many conversations about food. One of the things we have talked about is hunger. She is used to hunger. Not to say she starves herself. She eats three squares a day with a snack after breakfast. She just doesn't overeat as many Westerners do. She says, "Well, I don't eat until I am hungry. And when I eat, I eat until I am satisfied and not completely full."

 

Lightbulb!

 

Hunger is good! Hunger is your body telling you it's time for food. We have so much access to food, it's not like we are going to starve. But it's listening to your heart and your body and letting yourself feel ... to eat when you need it that is so meaningful.

 

Can it not be similar for loneliness? When I first got into my relationship, when I got lonely my first urge would be to call my bf or try to hang out. And after that conversation I started to make that connection. It's good to be lonely ... in part because it lets you MISS people and it forces you to self soothe. When I felt lonely, I would take my butt over to the spa, take a bathe, have a movie night of 1 .... just pamper myself. I started actually giving myself massages on my legs and arms and neck and listen to meditative music. Wouldn't you know that after a few hours of that I stopped feeling lonely?

 

For me, when I feel lonely, often it's a way of my spirit and soul telling me it's hungry for self-love.

[WithLove]

"For me, when I feel lonely, often it's a way of my spirit and soul telling me it's hungry for self-love." - I love that. I absolutely love that. And it's really resonating with me, because I think you're dead on. When I feel lonely (which is a lot recently, granted) - but when I feel lonely even in the past, it's always not just loneliness. I'll get lonely for company, and then start ruminating on why I'm alone and lonely; and I'll start thinking of all the things that are wrong with me, and things I'm doing incorrectly, and basically come to the decision that everything's my fault. Loneliness always snowballs into other negative things; but like you, I feel that loneliness is necessary, because it allows you to miss someone.

[Seymore]

Anytime I'm lonely for company, I work on photography stuff or music, even if it's just for myself. I get so immersed in those two things (and video games, but too much of that is bad) that I forget about every single thing. Before I know it, 8-9 hours have passed.

[WithLove]

I found this great article that lists 20 mental health resolutions for 2016. I'm not one to participate in these things, but these were all just too good not to share. I might make a new thread listing these, too.

 

 

1. I will only invest in people who invest in me. I will not pour my energy into a relationship that is one-sided; I will not offer my time to someone who does not meet me halfway.

 

2. I will ask for help when I need it. F this struggle bus that I ride for weeks on end, thinking that I should pull myself up by my bootstraps and deal. I’ll call the hotline; I’ll give my psychiatrist a ring; I’ll message a friend.

 

3. I will take my medications as prescribed. They will not work the way they are supposed to unless taken faithfully as instructed.

 

4. I will challenge myself to say “yes” to the things that scare me. Because letting anxiety rule over my life keeps me from pursuing amazing opportunities that could bring a lot of happiness into my life.

 

5. But I’ll also say “no” when I need to, without judgment. Sometimes saying “yes” to everything can be just as harmful as saying “no.” So I’ll seek out a balance.

 

6. I will stop putting off that phone call. I avoid a lot of things because, well, anxiety. But in doing that, I end up creating more panic than it’s worth. So when I’m able, I’ll push myself to be proactive.

 

7. I’ll get enough sleep. Because, let’s face it, sleep is critical and getting an early start to my day helps me to be more productive.

 

8. I’ll stop placing a moral value on food. Food is just food. No more “this is so bad of me” or “I’m being so good right now” when I’m talking about cheesecake and salads. When we judge our food, we by extension judge ourselves. And I don’t need that kind of toxic bs in my life, controlling what I can and cannot put on my plate, letting the food I eat decide if I should feel guilty or happy today (or ever).

 

9. I will focus on being resilient. I have a history of codependency, and knowing this, I’m going to continue my commitment to building up my self-care practice and expanding my support network to ensure I am not putting too much weight on my partners’ shoulders.

 

10. I will not punish myself for having bad days. Sometimes when my mental health is suffering, I feel that I am personally to blame, as if I made this happen. But the last thing I need is to guilt myself when I’m already struggling. I’m going to opt for kindness instead.

 

11. I will find a form of movement that I love and incorporate it into my self-care. Not because I want to lose weight, not because I need to exercise to be a “good” person, but because physical movement can be really good for our mental health and can feel great.

 

12. I will take a break when I need it. Not “when I finish this,” not “if I find the time,” I will take a freaking break if I need one, as soon as I possibly can and as often as it’s needed, because no assignment or task is as important as my mental health.

 

13. I will buy the latte or go out for dinner with friends, even if money is tight. If I can swing it, I need to get out of the apartment. Frugality at the expense of my mental health is total nonsense. I won’t let myself feel guilty for spending money on “luxuries” if it means that I’m more stable. And if I absolutely cannot make dinner with friends happen, walks in the park together work just as well.

 

14. I will spend less time responding to negative comments and more time responding to positive ones. Feeding negativity produces nothing but more negativity.

 

15. I will spend as much time on social media as I freaking want. There are all these ads and memes about going outside and “living.” But truthfully, my online community has helped me through some of the most difficult stuff I’ve ever been through. They give me life. So if being on social media makes me happy, I’ll tweet or Facebook to my heart’s content.

 

16. I’ll stop judging myself based on how “productive” I was that day. Guess what? It turns out that we’re not robots. Who would’ve thought?

 

17. I will shut down the voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough. Or I’ll try, anyway. Because if I had listened to them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

 

18. I’ll indulge my inner fangirl. I’ll watch a new show on Netflix for four hours and spend another four hours reading up on all the existing conspiracy theories about the show. I’ll take up a new hobby and let myself get lost in it. I’ll find a new musical artist and read their biography eight times. It doesn’t matter how silly it seems – it’s okay to geek out on something that brings you happiness (as long as you’re not manic, obviously).

 

19. I’ll dance more. Dancing is literally the best thing. Why don’t I dance more often? I have no idea, but that has got to change.

 

20. I will vocalize what I need. Sometimes I’m afraid to ask for the things that I need. This year, I won’t self-silence out of a fear that I might be a burden.

 

Entire article: /

[IAmFCA]

Trust me, you can be married to the love of your life, never be alone, and be lonely! I agree loneliness is apart of the human condition. As is hunger. Loneliness is like hunger actually. I have a great friend who is naturally very thin and we have had many conversations about food. One of the things we have talked about is hunger. She is used to hunger. Not to say she starves herself. She eats three squares a day with a snack after breakfast. She just doesn't overeat as many Westerners do. She says, "Well, I don't eat until I am hungry. And when I eat, I eat until I am satisfied and not completely full."

 

Lightbulb!

 

Hunger is good! Hunger is your body telling you it's time for food. We have so much access to food, it's not like we are going to starve. But it's listening to your heart and your body and letting yourself feel ... to eat when you need it that is so meaningful.

 

Can it not be similar for loneliness? When I first got into my relationship, when I got lonely my first urge would be to call my bf or try to hang out. And after that conversation I started to make that connection. It's good to be lonely ... in part because it lets you MISS people and it forces you to self soothe. When I felt lonely, I would take my butt over to the spa, take a bathe, have a movie night of 1 .... just pamper myself. I started actually giving myself massages on my legs and arms and neck and listen to meditative music. Wouldn't you know that after a few hours of that I stopped feeling lonely?

 

For me, when I feel lonely, often it's a way of my spirit and soul telling me it's hungry for self-love.

 

LOVE THIS ENTIRE POST. Adding the last line to my signature.

[WithLove]

^ Yes, I wanted to, but it gives me a character limit and won't fit.

[IAmFCA]

^ Yes, I wanted to, but it gives me a character limit and won't fit.

 

I think I did it? Posting to see what happens, below.

[WithLove]

Nope, not there on my screen.

[IAmFCA]

Nope, not there on my screen.

 

Failed... but its shorter than an old one. Also I tried deleting some of mine. Maybe we have a new parameter and old sig is grandfathered in. Sigh. For another day.

 

Now noticing your sig btw, and it is SO TRUE.

[WithLove]

Yes, if you were to try and add what you have for your signature now, it would be rejected. I understand the character limit, though. So it's not too cluttered and saves space. It's just.... sigh. LOL

 

Thanks! I know it to be true. Still adding up my own battles... haven't conquered myself yet.

[WithLove]

My mom called my doctor today. I haven't been feeling well. Headaches, body aches, skin itchiness and a teeny bit of numbness. Mostly, though, I have awful tightness and heaviness in my chest. It makes it difficult to take a breath sometimes. I feel like I'm just breathing shallow breathes a lot.

 

I'm pretty sure these are side effects from being on straight phentermine without topiramate. I still take the topiramate every third day, but the chest problems have only manifested in the past handful of days. Not sure if the topiramate side effects were hiding the phentermine ones, but it's scary. I told my mom about it and she got scared and called my doctor. They are supposed to call back some today.

 

I'm always very careful to think about and document in here what my side effects are and how I've been feeling. And the past 2 days, I've felt off. Wrong. I feel like something's wrong.

[reinventmyself]

I am glad she called the dr. This has been going on for just a little too long now.

Hope you get some answers and help. . Hang in there!

[WithLove]

I ate ramen for lunch yesterday and slept through dinner. I had some chocolate milk for breakfast and I just ate half of a sub from Subway for lunch. And... it's weird, but I can't really feel my spine or torso. Being a bigger woman, I'm always conscious of aches and pains. My back and shoulders always ache, right? But below my shoulders, I don't feel anything. I can press on my skin and it registers that I'm pressing on it, but I can't feel any pressure from my finger. It's hard to describe. My torso feels like a tree trunk - stiff, inflexible.

 

Topiramate is supposed to help with increased heart rate and anxiety from the phentermine, I think. I think that is what this is.

[faraday]

I read this a few hours ago and I have no idea how to respond.

 

I'm sorry that you feel crappy. I often feel crappy too...my body is sore, and I have more "blah"

days than "wow" days...and sometimes it's hard to push through another "blah" day...when my bed is there and I can sleep it away. I think Tine makes me live a lot more than I would if I didn't have her....she's saved me more than I'll ever know.

 

I hope you have a good day again soon. I hope your doctor will take your moms call more seriously than s/he's been taking your complaints.

 

It sucks when bodies don't behave as everyone else's do. Well, who knows? I often wonder if others are this sore all the time. Or this tired....and maybe they just push through it. Maybe I'm not as tough? Idk. But I keep trying. And you have to keep trying too.

 

 

______________________

Learn to be all that you are, and accept with good grace all that you are not.

[WithLove]

Faraday, I'm just tired. I do the absolute least that I can physically every day and I'm still exhausted. If I let myself, I would go to bed every single day as soon as I got home from work and sleep until I had to get up again. Over 12 hours. I don't do that every day, but I do do it a lot. A few times a week. It's a coping mechanism for stress for me, but I think it has gone beyond that now. It's what my body craves.

 

I'm always sore and achy. My neck, shoulders and back mostly. My knees occasionally and if I exercise, my hips. I always put it down to my weight. I'm just over 200 lbs now. I've lost quite a bit; but all that weight on my small frame stresses it out, I know. I don't feel that big, but the numbers don't lie. I want so badly to be smaller. I'm trying. I hardly eat much at all. I used to eat for, like, 3 people. Now I barely eat a meal a day.

 

I regret going on these pills. I feel like I had no choice, because following my food intake and even exercising 4-5 days a week wasn't doing anything. But I wish it had, because I seriously regret taking these pills. They are so much more trouble than they are worth.

 

I can feel, in my throat and chest, my heart beating so fast. My check in with the doctor last month had my heart rate at 116. It's always above 100 (which is why I am always refused to donate blood) but that's high even for me. And that was when I was still taking topiramate. I don't even want to know what my heart rate is now.

 

Weight loss meds asides - I feel like I'm losing my battle for inner peace.

 

I did send a message to my doctor yesterday, asking if it was possible to increase my venlafaxine dosage from 75 mg to 150 mg. The pills would be cheaper, too. I don't think he will approve it without me coming in for a visit, but I can still hope. My check in last month, through my insurance, was $166.50.