K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I did. I sent an email earlier to her. She said no and that I would have to wait.

[WithLove]

Feeling good today. I'm more tired than usual, even after getting good sleep; yesterday I felt sort of like I was getting a cold. I don't feel as bad today, though. Maybe I am, not sure. Been sneezing a bunch this morning, so probably.

[WithLove]

I'm getting to that stage where I'm lonely and I'm thinking of my next relationship. But I quickly tell myself that I'm in no way ready for one, because I'm still not over J and I have far too much to do for myself yet.

 

But I am lonely. I won't bother denying that.

[Cheetarah]

Good, don't deny it. Feel it. I've found so many answers by just sitting with that loneliness. I think the first instinct is to want to run away from it and make it go away. And I think a little escapism is good, necessary even. But so is just letting it wash over you. It really helps you identify your needs and be more in tune with your feelings(I know it's cheesy). Sometimes for me, loneliness isn't really loneliness but feeling misunderstood. Or sometimes it is an outside perceived pressure to be more social or find romance. Or sometimes, it's because I'm PMSing hard and everything sucks.

[WithLove]

I think I'm just craving that feeling of being special to someone. Of knowing that someone other than family loves me. I think about starting over again and it just makes me sad, because I couldn't make it work with J. I really wanted to fall in love with him, I think. He was a good guy.

[WithLove]

I'm really nervous about my appetite returning now that I'm getting off of the phentermine. I think back on how I used to eat and it just disgusts me. But I also know my gargantuan appetite. I'm scared. I'm not going to go back to drinking caffeinated drinks, though. It took so much effort not to drink them, and I don't want to throw that all away.

 

I'm going to give myself this week to let my heart return to its normal resting rate, and then on Monday I'm going to start over on going to the gym. It's gotta be done.

[Fudgie]

I remember you saying in the past that you have GERD symptoms. Is that still true? If you are still suffering, you can get on a drug like Prilosec (it's OTC, and cheap when you get the generic store brand) and not only will it stop your GERD symptoms, you may have decreased appetite.

 

Speaking from experience, I am on about 40 mg of Prilosec (omeprazole) a day and I definitely think it curbs cravings. I know people who, like me, have had stomach surgery and they get weird stomach pain/pangs if they don't take GERD meds to curb the acid.

[WithLove]

Actually, yes, I do sometimes still have GERDy symptoms. Not all the time like before, but occasionally I do. Is it safe to take the OTC omeprazole without an okay from my doctor?

[Cheetarah]

You can call your pharmacist and ask them to check for medication interactions. I find they err on the side of caution more than MDs do, I remember when I was breastfeeding the pharmacist was hesitant about one of the medications to be filled after my c-section and taken while BFing, so she actually called the doctor herself to ensure that he knew I was BFing and he had prescribed that particular med before she filled it.

[Fudgie]

Cheet is right. Ask the pharmacist if he sees any interactions with your current drugs. You can call up the pharmacy and ask over the phone or go in and talk to someone when you get out of work. It's free. If you get the okay, you're fine to take it.

 

I love my omeprazole. It has brought me so much relief.

[WithLove]

Yesterday's meeting was hard.

 

In the ACA Red Book, there's a list of characteristics that they say a lot of ACA people have. And the next sentence after that states something like "these people cannot truly love someone else" because of these characteristics. I asked the group if they believed that statement, because I didn't. I believe I'm capable of loving someone even though I have a messed up past. So we read over each point on that list, trying to see if there was something that pertained to us and to how we would treat others. And damn if every single point listed there pertained to me personally.

 

It's pretty incredible to sit there and talk about how closely everything in our lives relates to everything. Each action or idea, everything I've thought or said out loud, has ties to my father and the alcoholism I'm dealing with now and in the past.

 

It was a good meeting - but difficult. The hardest thing, I think, was going home after having all these realizations and not being able to tell anyone about them. I have no significant other or even a close friend locally that I can confide in. I'm lonely.

[faraday]

I'm sorry Hun. That meeting does sound like it was a hard one. Sometimes it's hard not to feel resentful, like "why did you let your drinking get to this point? To the point where you f-ed me up so much?" It's hard when you realize you're every point on the list and wonder how you'll get through them all. I believe you will. I believe you'll work through them...because you want love, because you want to be healthy. Because you're tough....and you can work through this.

 

My mom isn't really drinking anymore. Dad came over and it was the first time he's ever acknowledged that she has a problem. He said, "I thought now that she's off work, she would start drinking all the time (dad started a rule where they don't drink during the work week...she secretly drinks, but it's a lot less than if the rule wasn't in existence) but she's not. She has slowed down a lot on the weekends too." And I said, "it's good, I have a hard time being around her on the weekends normally." And he said, "me too." First time ever saying anything like that.

 

It's weird how even spouses (I mean, ADULTS! They should have better coping skills than we did as kids, right? They didn't grow up learning that as normal) get messed up from drinking. How they can deny it for decades.

 

 

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[WithLove]

It's weird how even spouses (I mean, ADULTS! They should have better coping skills than we did as kids, right? They didn't grow up learning that as normal) get messed up from drinking. How they can deny it for decades.

 

And the worst part, that I haven't really explained here, is that my dad did grow up in an abusive environment. I don't know if his father was an alcoholic, but I do know he was mentally and physically abusive to Dad's mom. They divorced and got back together and remarried a 2nd time. My father didn't speak with his dad for years, pretty much up until I was born. I don't think he ever forgave either his mom or dad - his dad because of the abuse and his mom for taking it (and for taking his dad back). And he has told me before that the worst thing I or anyone could ever do was compare him to his father.

 

So you're right - he knows that these things aren't normal. And yet he still became an addict.

[LoveSoDeep]

And the worst part, that I haven't really explained here, is that my dad did grow up in an abusive environment. I don't know if his father was an alcoholic, but I do know he was mentally and physically abusive to Dad's mom. They divorced and got back together and remarried a 2nd time. My father didn't speak with his dad for years, pretty much up until I was born. I don't think he ever forgave either his mom or dad - his dad because of the abuse and his mom for taking it (and for taking his dad back). And he has told me before that the worst thing I or anyone could ever do was compare him to his father.

 

So you're right - he knows that these things aren't normal. And yet he still became an addict.

 

It's so hard to wrap your head around isn't it? My dad was an alcoholic until I was 10...his dad was an alcoholic until maybe just before that time. I always thought...what part about growing up with your dad and his problems made you not fight like heck to be different. All I can say is I think those are the 2 basic reactions to follow suit...probably trying to drink their problems away until it's an addiction....or to fight against it. My dad's the oldest of 9 I'd say about half followed suit. I'm one of 4 and all of us have fought against it. I do think that you have to be pre-disposed to become an addict....and if you have it in to become and addict....then it's not really a choice. He didn't choose to be an addict or to be like his own father....he just didn't (or couldn't) fight it.

 

Sometimes I think because my dad stopped drinking when I was 10 that it didn't affect me the same....but I'm probably wrong about that.

[WithLove]

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday I stayed in and just played video games and did laundry. It was a good day. Then on Sunday I cleaned up my apartment and changed my comforter to a heavier one - it's supposed to drop into the 40s today and tomorrow! Yikes!

 

I also went to dinner at my dad's house. We cooked together and also baked a cake. It was a lot of fun, actually. I decided to tell him about the health issues I've been having more recently, because I hadn't told him. He told me he didn't understand how anyone benefits from weight loss medication, but that he's happy it worked for me for a little while and that he's even more happy I'm off of them now. We talked about good, healthy meals to cook and when I told him I had a wok, he explained how to use it and what all I could thro in there that I'd like. He seemed proud that I told him I would be starting back up at the gym this week. He also asked if I had a new boyfriend yet, lol.

 

We made steak and cauliflower au gratin. He grilled the steaks and sautéed up mushrooms and onions with fresh thyme from his garden. I made the cauliflower au gratin - here's the recipe: . Slightly cooked cauliflower transferred into a baking dish and then covered with a sauce of Gruyere and parmesan cheeses, and then sprinkled with breadcrumbs for some crunch. Baked for half an hour. It's absolutely delicious and not terribly bad for you, either (except for the cheese, obviously). It's very simple, even though it's a Barefoot Contessa recipe.

 

I also got in contact with another gaming group in my area that plays every other Saturday. I'm excited to join that.

[faraday]

We have a family broccoli bake that is made similar to this...but usually with cheddar, or whatever cheese already have in my fridge. Usually a cheaper cheddar, and then a bit of 5 year balderson. I don't steam the broccoli first, it cooks in the oven....and I don't usually use breadcrumbs. It's a favourite. I make it on thanksgiving and Christmas...and maybe 2-3 other times a year when I make a big meat roast dinner. It's my favourite part of any meal lol. Mm cheesy goodness.

 

Glad you had a good weekend I noticed that you posted well wishes in my journals and others- that's sweet of you Hun

 

 

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[WithLove]

Agree on the cheesy goodness!! The goal of the cauliflower dish was to disguise it as 'potatoes'... the cauliflower got super soft and hardly needed to be chewed. I think it would be delicious either way, though!

 

I called Dad yesterday after work to ask how he was feeling, because when I left on Sunday he wasn't feeling well. He was very chatty, asked me to come over for the Superbowl, and wanted to know when I'd come see him again. He said he missed seeing me. Idk, maybe this new woman in his life is doing him better than I thought. He normally never says anything sweet or loving. He rarely answers "I love you too" if I tell him, so I stopped saying it. Maybe I should start again.

 

Decided to go out of town to visit my uncle this weekend. I was supposed to go last weekend, but I was having those medication issues and went to the doctor instead. He's got a couch waiting there for me, plus he's been a best friend for years and I love seeing him. It'll be a good weekend.

[WithLove]

And my appetite is coming back. All I can think about is food. Sigh.

[WithLove]

My mother suggested today that I should date casually. I was telling her that I'm lonely and missing companionship, and she told me to go out on dates. I told her that I wasn't ready and that I'm concentrating on myself for now. I think she's afraid I will isolate myself and completely get cut off from the dating world... which isn't true. I just don't want to do to someone what J did to me; which is, get involved with someone when I'm not completely over my last relationship.

 

Part of me thinks: well, maybe just seeing someone occasionally wouldn't be so bad. No expectations and it would be an opportunity to stay in touch with the dating world. But then I know that most men (pretty much all of them, really) wouldn't see the point in dating a woman where there's not going to be sex, because she doesn't have sex unless in a relationship and she's not even looking for one.

[faraday]

You're making it about men and what they want and not about you and what you need.

 

You're not dating...because you need to work on yourself. Not because you're not over J....no. Because you seek validation through others when you're dating and it leads to unhealthy relationships where you become invested to quickly in guys who are not worthy.

 

So think on that. You've been doing this pattern of dating before working on yourself for a while now. Is it really what you want? Break the pattern. Work on your self Esteem.

[reinventmyself]

You're making it about men and what they want and not about you and what you need.

 

You're not dating...because you need to work on yourself. Not because you're not over J....no. Because you seek validation through others when you're dating and it leads to unhealthy relationships where you become invested to quickly in guys who are not worthy.

 

So think on that. You've been doing this pattern of dating before working on yourself for a while now. Is it really what you want? Break the pattern. Work on your self Esteem.

 

Nicely put . .!

You can date while working on your self esteem.

As long as you are trust yourself enough to keep things in check.

Heck. .come here and we'll do it for you

[Ms Darcy]

My mother suggested today that I should date casually. I was telling her that I'm lonely and missing companionship, and she told me to go out on dates. I told her that I wasn't ready and that I'm concentrating on myself for now.

 

Perhaps you will find this to be true ... but sometimes you can prime someone for a specific response. If I say I am sleepy, my husband tells me to nap. If I say I feel fat, my mom will tell me to work out. If I say I feel bored at work, my friend will say that I should seek out a new project.

 

Sometimes the way you present your feelings has a direct effect on how your loved one responds.

[Seymore]

Work on contact with the opposite sex. Dating can wait. The contact will help you realize there's more out there, and maybe feel more social and good about yourself. And when the time comes, you'll know you're ready.

 

Find a place you can be a regular at. Talk to a guy barista at a coffee shop. Just talk to people. Build yourself a new social life.

[WithLove]

That's what I'm doing. I go to a gaming night every Friday. I've met like 2 dozen people in the two times I've gone so far, but have connected to about 5-6 of them. I'm getting there!

[Seymore]

Awesome You didn't answer when I asked how it was going so I'm glad to hear it's going well!