indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I need you all to tell me to settle down and relax before I handle this, as I'm finding it hard to curb my frustrations. He's 21, we live together, he's an amazing boyfriend (helps around the house, is wonderful with my daughter, very loving and affectionate, etc). He still likes to go out with friends quite often (3-4 times a week). I don't mind, because I work three nights a week, and I understand at 21 he still has fun being out late and probably won't get to enjoy that freedom much longer, as bills, responsibility, and life will soon set in. I also trust him immensely, so I really don't worry too much about him being out. I do get frustrated though when he's been out late several nights a week so he's tired on my nights off, so my time with him is spent on the couch. I like to have fun with him too, and I can't just work and stay home watching tv with him. I need some fun once in awhile too. And I've voiced all of this to him. Last week, he went out Tuesday night and didn't come home. He was my babysitter at 6 am so I was pretty frustrated but once I found a replacement, I was okay. I'd rather him not come home than try to drive after drinking. He went out again Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. Again, not a big deal. I'm a travel nurse and we are leaving next week for our first assignment so he wants to see everyone as much as he can before we leave. Totally understandable. So last night, I wanted to go out. It was my best friends birthday, haven't seen her in awhile, and boyfriend was happy to stay in with the baby. Best friend cancels on me, had a rough day at work, so I ask boyfriend I he'd like to just hangout and have a few drinks at home, he says yes. He falls asleep, so I spend some time trying to find someone else to go out with. And success! So I clean myself up a little (it's around midnight now) and boyfriend wakes up and asks what I'm doing. I tell him im going to go ahead and go out for a little bit, told him where, and he accuses me of "being shady" because im getting "dressed up to go out at midnight". (I was in a sweatshirt and jeans, all I had done was curl my hair). I sit down and attempt to explain that he's had his time out, and I'm only going so late because I had to find someone new to go with. He completely shuts down, tells me to just leave, there's no getting through anymore. I left. When I get home, I climb in bed with him, he ignores me and goes to get a drink. I ask if he's still mad, he says no...pauses a few seconds, then continues to accuse me of being shady again. When I remind him of how he's been out several times and I don't mind he just grabs his pillow and goes to the couch. Just a side note, at NO point during this did he ask me who I was with or anything. I was with my cousin, and would have told him had he asked. He's never really been the jealous type before, so I don't understand where this came from, but he's handling this like a child and I really don't feel like coaxing him into talking to me and seeing my side. I want to tell him to grow the hell up and stop being a baby and understand that I won't do double standards. What's okay for him is okay for me. I need you guys to tell me to BE NICE and let my frustrations subside before I go making this situation worse. Thanks! Link to comment
Snny Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I do get frustrated though when he's been out late several nights a week so he's tired on my nights off, so my time with him is spent on the couch ... Last week, he went out Tuesday night and didn't come home. He was my babysitter at 6 am so I was pretty frustrated but once I found a replacement, I was okay. I'd rather him not come home than try to drive after drinking He's a party boy and you are a single mother. None of you are wrong- it's just that you both are leading two separate lives here and have different dynamics which make you both incompatible. He is not mature because he just hit the drinking age (assuming you are American) and he wants to experience the bar/club life. He is not emotionally mature enough to accept other responsibilities that you have involving a child. Personally, I would NOT want a college guy who goes out drinking more than half of the time to be accountable for the safety of my child if I were you. That is a huge liability waiting to happen. So last night, I wanted to go out. It was my best friends birthday, haven't seen her in awhile, and boyfriend was happy to stay in with the baby. Best friend cancels on me, had a rough day at work, so I ask boyfriend I he'd like to just hangout and have a few drinks at home, he says yes. He falls asleep So who the hell was going to watch the child, assuming plans were not cancelled? Would you want a babysitter watching your kid to fall asleep on the job? Another major liability waiting to happen. Also, who was watching your child when you went out without your boyfriend? I would not want to leave a child alone with someone who is so angry with you and accuses you of betrayal. You risk being involved in negligence. IMHO, because of his lifestyle he doesn't sound like the right person for you. You also need to find a person who is as responsible as you are, and I suggest looking for someone your age or older- not college age guys when most of them just want to party. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Actually, what I'm going to tell you is that, he doesn't seem ready to be 'playing house' and is prioritizing his social life over the family life which you want him to focus on. With regard to the situation at hand, seems like he picked a fight. He didn't ask who you were going out with bc he doesn't care. His actions show he clearly wants out: standing you up after a night out, and bailing on a commitment to babysit(!), makes time for his friends, but all you get is couch time or 'falling asleep' on you. Writing is on the wall Hun....he's not on board for this life. And frankly, at 21, I'm not sure he should be. Personally, I would use your new assignment, and ditch the guy completely. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 My, my......these responses are far more severe than anticipated. I think I painted him a little too harshly. He goes out with friends, yes, but he's not really a "party/bar/club" kinda guy. They usually just sit around and watch football. But I guess I should bring all this up to him. Maybe he would rather go be 21, although he says he wouldn't. He's done a very good job of everything for the most part...spending time with me, being completely open and honest, taking care of the house. I just wanted to not choke him for throwing his temper tantrum last night lol. Link to comment
Clinton Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Is this the heroine addict? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Well, that late at night I'm sure the baby was asleep. And parents sleep at night don't they? If I had a babysitter for overnight I wouldn't expect them to sit at the baby's crib and stare at them while they sleep. That's creepy and weird in my opinion . I would expect those people overnight to get some sleep too. However, yes he's come into party boy mode. He may be good with your daughter but he's not ready to be a dad, see the difference? He's not ready for instafamily. You guys are just at different places in your life right now. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Good God, no. He is safely behind bars where he belongs Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Maybe you guys are right that he isn't entirely ready for everything he's signed on for....however I am happy with how things have been. I think he's done very well as a "parental figure" and I think he'll continue getting better all the time. Thoughts on sticking it out, with full faith in him that he is growing into everything we (my daughter and I) need? With some instruction on how to better handle conflict resolution of course... Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Going out 3-4x a week plus staying out and not coming home = party mode. The question is, how long are you going to put up with this? I would be careful not to excuse it because of his age. It sounds like you are hoping that he will "grow up" at some point and you're putting up with it because he's 21. You're putting an awful lot at stake for the assumption that he'll grow up. He may not, or he may change into a person that you don't like. He's in the immature party mode and the fact that he plays childish double standard games is just me evidence that he's immature. Here's my question: does he even think there's a problem here? Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 It sounds like you are making excuses for his actions. He should want to go out and do stuff with you other then lay on the couch. Perhaps he is good and helps around the house and so he is hard to let go, but you are compromising yourself in order to not be a single mom 100% of the time. He will babysit for free and help but he goes out after and does whatever he wants. You deserve someone who loves you enough to want to spend time doing things with you, and to then help out around the house and with the baby. You may be single for a while and I don't know if it's worth it to you, but that is what you need to do in order to find better, rather then compromising your joy in order to have help. If I am remembering correctly, when you were pregnant, you said you were happy to be a single mom. What happened to that attitude? Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 How to deal with conflict: put your foot down. Tell him what you need from him. You are compromising yourself close to 100% of the time and how often is he compromising? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I am confused about you going out just for the sake of going out. Your.plans fall through and you scrounge around looking for.anyoi e.to go out with....after telling him you want to spend time.together. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Mhowe-- remember me saying my time with him ends up being lazy, couch time?? When my plans fell through, we decided to have a few drinks and goof off together. 15 min later, he was asleep on the couch. So I left. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Couch time only? Pffft, that's not a relationship, that's a giant snoring pillow that eats your food and brings little else to the table. He either a) has a double standard in which you need to be available to him, but he is allowed to run out and be with whoever whenever meaning he sees you as a comfort and provider, not an equal or b) he's got a guilty conscience about what he's doing when he's out and is now projecting those things on to you (I know I misbehave when I'm out, so I bet she does too. Yeah, that's it. Oh good, now I don't have to look at my own actions, I can focus on how terrible she is.) or c) he's just wildly immature and you have another baby on your hands--one of those totally uncute types who should know better. Honestly, at the age of 21 and given his lack of maturity and the fact he seems more enamored with sleeping at your house than he does with you I'd peg this guy for not relationship material. And get him gone. You and your family can do a whole lot better. Party frat boys make terrible boyfriends, husbands or serious relationship material. It doesn't necessarily mean he's evil for that, just that he's younger and not matured to the point of wanting a more settled relationship and ready to take on the responsibilities of a family and serious girlfriend or more. Link to comment
BigKK Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 It sounds like a 21 year old guy that is playing house, learning about going out and having fun, but still wants to have the comfort of a relationship. The only thing I saw from your opening post is you shouldn't be dating him, he's eons away from being ready. If you ask him, of course he'll say he's ready I'm sure he enjoys your company but I think the decision is in your hands. Link to comment
Snny Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 This is going to come out harsh, but it needs to be said. The most problematic response I have seen so far here is how you mention your boyfriend being a potential parent. I strongly disagree based on what I read. While growing up, did you have parents who went out and partied with their friends 3-4 times a week? If you have to go out and get smashed more than half a week, that you are an alcoholic. For his own sake, I am hoping this is just a phase. Unfortunately it is hard to tell at this point whether he will "grow out of it" or not. Either way, do you honestly want to raise your child around an alcoholic? While meetings bf or dating any man, you need to think about what is best for your child and especially for yourself. This guy is living a different lifestyle that he may not be willing to change. I partied when I got out of college at 25 and about 5 years after that, I finally settled down and got married. It may take him just as long even longer. If you want to be a good mother you should not be raising your daughter around a man who behaves in that way. Just because he may "befriend" your child does not instantly qualify him to being a good father. He needs to shape the hell up and take some responsibility, and he has yet to show that. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 These are not at all the responses I was expecting. Thank you guys for pushing me to stand up for myself....I guess I didn't realize I was being shorted. I've felt like IM the one who has the baby so IM the one who should be home with her, and that's just the way it is being a parent. It's hard to allow myself to expect 50% responsibility from someone else when I feel like she's 100% MY little princess. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Whoa whoa guys....where did this alcoholic, party boy stuff come from?? That's not what he does. He goes over to a friends house and they sit around watching football. Or they play cornhole in his bosses garage. He's not getting drunk every night, jeez. He just likes to HANGOUT with them....not get drunk all the time. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Okay ,it might not be party mode but it certainly single guy mode. He wants to be a single guy when he wants to be a single guy and he wants to be in a relationship when he wants to be in a relationship. One can't serve two masters. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I've called him home to talk. Wish me luck. Thanks all. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 He's not a parental figure -he's your boyfriend and your sometime babysitter (and not a very careful one at that). I have a little boy -I prefer not to leave him with a sitter so I don't go out at night more than once or twice a year (and then my husband stays home). Small sacrifice for the privilege of being a mom IMO. How about going out once a month or less and dating your boyfriend while you live separately. It's not good for your child to be in the current situation especially as she gets older and might get attached to this guy who is not her father and is not ready to be a stepfather. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I've called him home to talk. Wish me luck. Thanks all. Good luck!!! Link to comment
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