Another online daing journal

[SherrySher]

Awwwww...what a beautiful picture! You can feel the love and you look so proud of your boys! Really lovely.

[dias]

Let me guess, the younger one is on the right?

[reinventmyself]

Let me guess, the younger one is on the right?

No, left ;)

27 and 31

[katrina1980]

reinvent, you look absolutely *beautiful* and both your sons are hot!! (I hope referring to them that way doesn't offend).

 

I am particularly crushing on your son on the right, 31 did you say?

 

All in good fun!

 

Happy belated mom's day!!

[reinventmyself]

Thanks K ;)

 

Little one's spoken for (left)

 

(Right) The 31 yr old is single, 6'4" and a fire/medic. And a little bit of a 'player' too. I joke with him that I hope he is not this way in his 40's.

 

A friend wanted to fix up her daughter with him. I told her I valued our friendship too much to do that. Haha. All kidding aside, he just hasn't met the right girl yet.

 

His co workers called him Per Pan the other day. Fitting. He's living large and happy. That's what counts.

 

Meanwhile the younger one is conversative, intense and focused.

Funny how they turned out so different.

[katrina1980]

PThanks K ;)

 

Little one's spoken for (left)

 

(Right) The 31 yr old is single, 6'4" and a fire/medic. And a little bit of a 'player' too. I joke with him that I hope he is not this way in his 40's.

 

A friend wanted to fix up her daughter with him. I told her I valued our friendship too much to do that. Haha. All kidding aside, he just hasn't met the right girl yet.

 

His co workers called him Per Pan the other day. Fitting. He's living large and happy. That's what counts.

 

Meanwhile the younger one is conversative, intense and focused.

Funny how they turned out so different.

 

Well Prince Harry was a bit of a "player" too (more than a bit actually) and look what happened when a friend fixed him up? lol

[dias]

Well Prince Harry was a bit of a "player" too (more than a bit actually) and look what happened when a friend fixed him up? lol

This is what we call in business seizing the opportunity

 

But you have to coax reinvent first. A mother doesn't give her sons that easily. Send her some homemade cookies bought from the local store

[itsallgrand]

I agree, awesome picture of a great looking family.

[reinventmyself]

OK. . back to talking about men. . that are not my sons (;

 

I've noticed a pattern with SL. He's very, very animated, affectionate, tentative and funny. 9 out of 10 times, this is what I can expect. Then every once in while it's as if he flips a switch and shuts down. One word responses, very little eye contact, very distracted and disconnected.

 

For the most part I don't mind. All his exuberance can been a little exhausting (in the best way possible) I can't really keep up. I can be pretty reserved so when he dials back for the most part, it's OK. I am not going to lie. .The disconnect is so intense I can't help but wonder if something is wrong at times.

 

So, at some point I start to get uncomfortable. The two are so extreme it catches me off guard. I know what it's like to want to retreat to recharge your batteries and for him, I imagine this is what it looks like. He's pretty high energy, so no doubt he needs it.

 

But at some point, like yesterday I start to take offense to it. We spent the entire day together, midday a spent a couple hours at the beach where a lot of our friends were, so it was a good break and mix up. But from the moment we woke up, with one word responses over breakfast and then returning to my house, with him watching hockey and his nose in his phone for 3 hours, I felt invisible. I am not one who needs much attention, but come on, at what point is it rude? I am perfectly fine alone and he's the one that seems to want to be together more than I do. So, why exactly are you here, I am thinking? I went upstairs in my own home to watch tv. . part of me wondering if he'd notice.

 

I've talked to him about it before. He seems very surprised at my accounting of what it's like. I get this is the way he is. I am still trying to get used to it.

 

The last time I brought myself to talk to him about is because at the end of the day he wanted to be intimate and for the first time I said no. I told him when he does this, it's ok. I am not worried about it and I will give him his space (while in the same room) But I do feel such a disconnect and I don't feel the connection that I need to be intimate with him. If you need to shut the world out, it's ok. . but I am likely not going to warm up to you after an entire day of it.

 

He left last night to go home and he was a little short with me and clearly not wanting to discuss it. This morning I get my high energy, animated, good morning! 30 minute phone call during my commute to work.

 

Adjustment pains, I guess.

[katrina1980]

 

For the most part I don't mind. All his exuberance can been a little exhausting (in the best way possible) I can't really keep up. I can be pretty reserved so when he dials back for the most part, it's OK. I am not going to lie. .The disconnect is so intense I can't help but wonder if something is wrong at times.

 

So, at some point I start to get uncomfortable. The two are so extreme it catches me off guard. I know what it's like to want to retreat to recharge your batteries and for him, I imagine this is what it looks like. He's pretty high energy, so no doubt he needs it.

 

But at some point, like yesterday I start to take offense to it. We spent the entire day together, midday a spent a couple hours at the beach where a lot of our friends were, so it was a good break and mix up. But from the moment we woke up, with one word responses over breakfast and then returning to my house, with him watching hockey and his nose in his phone for 3 hours, I felt invisible. I am not one who needs much attention, but come on, at what point is it rude? I am perfectly fine alone and he's the one that seems to want to be together more than I do. So, why exactly are you here, I am thinking? I went upstairs in my own home to watch tv. . part of me wondering if he'd notice.

 

I've talked to him about it before. He seems very surprised at my accounting of what it's like. I get this is the way he is. I am still trying to get used to it.

 

 

Hi reinvent, fwiw I can relate as this (bolded) is what I experienced with the ER doctor, most, if not all, of the time especially as our RL settled in. And, like your boyfriend, HE wanted me there too, told me I was his "safe haven."

 

I felt exactly as you do, although, unlike you (which I give you lots of credit for) I did not speak with him about it, as I realized this was just his nature and I had to either accept or, if not, walk away (which is what I eventually chose to do).

 

Ironically our sex was amazing; I suppose it was the glue that kept me there so long once I realized how emotionally closed he was. Sex was the only time I felt connected to him.

 

I don't know what the answer is in your situation other than during the times he needs to "shut down," try to understand it and not take it personally? If that's in fact what you're doing - I did, so may be projecting there.

 

If he were like this all the time, I might suggest walking away, but it sounds like these "down" times are only occasionally so it was different from my situation with the doctor.

 

I get like that too sometimes, feeling like I want to shut off from the world needing time alone to refresh and rejuvenate. My boyfriends came to understand it and didn't hassle me about it (for the most part); they needed their lone time too, so it worked out.

 

The man I am currently dating totally gets me (as has from the beginning don't ask me how), which sort of makes me less inclined to want to!

[reinventmyself]

 

I don't know what the answer is in your situation other than during the times he needs to "shut down," try to understand it and not take it personally? If that's in fact what you're doing - I did, so may be projecting there.

 

If he were like this all the time, I might suggest walking away, but it sounds like these "down" times are only occasionally so it was different from my situation with the doctor.

 

I get like that too sometimes, feeling like I want to shut off from the world needing time alone to refresh and rejuvenate. My boyfriends came to understand it and didn't hassle me about it (for the most part); they needed their lone time too, so it worked out.

I guess part of my struggle is I don't have a lot of free time or me time. I don't give myself the luxury of checking out. Maybe that's why I am partly bugged (or envious)

 

If he needs to shut down I can totally let him have his time to do so. But mixed with him wanting more of me and me giving him about all I have. . I was just a little annoyed yesterday that he wanted to spend the day together, yet at the same time being stuck in his head the entire day.

 

I'd like to tell him I'd leave him to it, but I don't think he really recognizes he does it, or it's not a problem. (until now) And it doesn't happen often. I can only guess I'd be stirring the pot somewhat if I chose to not be around it and instead took advantage of that time for myself.

 

We'll see.

 

Again. . adjustment pains.

Glad to hear you and your new guy are getting along so well ;)

[katrina1980]

I guess part of my struggle is I don't have a lot of free time or me time. I don't give myself the luxury of checking out. Maybe that's why I am partly bugged (or envious)

 

 

Bingo!

 

I think this has been discussed before, but it IS okay to tell him you need your "me" time, and not always agree to see him whenever he wants you to. To give yourself that "luxury" as you put it.

 

You know this right?

 

I am very comfortable doing that, always have been really, in all my relationships.

 

So have my boyfriends.

[Jibralta]

I was just a little annoyed yesterday that he wanted to spend the day together, yet at the same time being stuck in his head the entire day.

 

When he gets like that, do you talk to him about it? Maybe "You seem awfully quiet. Is everything ok?" And if he insists everything is fine and continues to be disconnected, say something like: "It seems like you're pretty distracted. Maybe this isn't a good day to spend together. Why don't we reschedule for a time when you're fully present?" That way he can agree to reschedule, or he can pay attention to his behavior and be more attentive.

[katrina1980]

I like Jibralta's idea.

 

I know I didn't handle this properly with my last bf, as whenever he was pre-occupied doing other things (which was most of the time even though he insisted he wanted me there), I would simply tell him I wasn't feeling well (or something) and was gonna head home.

 

This is just me, but if it was only once in a blue moon that he was disconnected (my long term ex was very much this way sometimes which I understood), I would just leave him alone and do my own thing. I recall times before he and I lived together where we would both be in the same room, him watching sports or something and I was reading a book!

 

I didn't need his full attention at all times and it was only sometimes he was that way. Other times, I would watch sports with him and even got into the game too!

 

But with the ER doctor, it bothered me because it was all the time, just got to the point where he wouldn't engage at all (except when we were having sex) which wasn't a good fit for me because I am a big communicator and need to be mentally stimulated.

[Batya33]

My husband knows there are certain times I just want me time - typically when I have my breakfast and coffee (and he is not a coffee drinker -what was I thinking??) and if I've spent hours with our son and he comes home, I am desperate for me time. He knows this. We have minor conflict at night when I read in the living room before bed and watch a bit of TV. At wind down time I'm not up for long or intense conversations but I also understand that by then I've been cleaning in the kitchen for a few hours and he wants to chat (he is a night owl,I'm a morning person-he does lots of his work at night). So we kind of work it out -I do listen to him, I do have conversations but I really just want to sit in our rocking chair and read for 15 minutes or so and munch on dry cereal. Is that too much for a tired momma to ask for?

 

And I think that's a clue - it's sometimes hard to relate to an SO if your days have been vastly different as far as interacting with people, teleworking or at the office, scrubbing floors or having a working lunch, etc. And I'm not as much a go with the flow type - when I need me time I need it desperately. And I was not like this at all before I had a child - I needed down time after working full time but this is a different feeling. So I'm a fan of you and your SO having a short convo about what's going on, then respecting the other person's need for space especially when you have that understanding.

[reinventmyself]

I was practicing (during my drive home) how to tell him that when he's checked out, it's ok but it's probably best that I use this time to get some things done on my own.

 

The problem is I have pointed out to him when he's not present and he seems surprised. I think my leaving might come across as a form of punishment when it's not the case.

 

So, while with him yesterday he hardly said a word. In contrast to today, I'm at work and he's all chatty and texting me. Uhg.

 

I guess I could be complaining about worse things, right?

[reinventmyself]

And for the record, I. not talking about simple quiet time. He doesn't need to engage me all the time and we do quiet time together really well.

I'm talking about a pervasive shut down, where asking him a question is met with a one word answer. He's so distracted he might not even hear me.

The weird thing is he's this way the minute his son shows up. I'm trying to sort out the pattern here and the reason behind it.

All I know is I don't mind small doses of it but I need to come up with what my limit is.

[katrina1980]

reinvent, you always give such great advice, if another poster were to post about how she had to practice how to communicate with her boyfreind, that she wasn't comfortable telling her BF she needs "me" time occasionally, but yet felt resentful when he took his "me" time, what would you advise her?

 

Not trying to be obtuse, I'm genuinely curious.

[reinventmyself]

This isn't so much a struggle for 'me' time but more of how to navigate the shut down. I get why he needs to do it, I just think the timing of saying I don't want to stick around and be in the middle of it will not go well.

It's the side note that it bothers me more because my time often feels overbooked and limited. It's my choice but if I'm going to be invisible it makes much more sense to do it alone.

[katrina1980]

This isn't so much a struggle for 'me' time but more of how to navigate the shut down. I get why he needs to do it, I just think the timing of saying I don't want to stick around and be in the middle of it will not go well.

 

So what if it doesn't go down perfectly?

 

Would that be so bad?

 

I mean, what's the alternative, hiding your feelings for fear of rocking the boat a little bit?

 

That is how you foster intimacy. By communicating honestly, and if it causes a conflict, resolving the conflict -- together.

 

It almost sounds like you have a fear of intimacy of sorts. And that you're walking on eggshells.

 

I could be wrong but that's how it appears (to me).

 

I'm not judging you for it (if that's what's happening) I have my own struggles that I've owned and working on resolving.

 

Anyway, good luck I hope you both can sort this out.

 

Be happy!!

[Batya33]

I think timing is very important for communication while also not walking on eggshells constantly. Tough balance and boat-rocking is essential at times especially to show your partner that you will stand up for yourself in an appropriate way even if the timing sucks - but I am a big fan of timing if it's at all possible. The other day I was chomping at the bit to email my husband about something I was upset about with him -I wanted to vent. Instead I made myself wait until I could speak to him because timing is everything and way of communicating is too IMO -had I emailed (when he couldn't even read it till hours later) it would have come across as cowardly and inconsistent with how I want him to be more of (direct). Waiting was hard and worth it for "us".

 

So yes find the right time and it doesn't need to be when it's happening unless, when you bring it up, he seems not to get what you're talking about. I think it's ok to give one word answers and be abrupt in certain situations like when you're driving, responding to a work email, posting on this forum. But this pervasive and also abrupt shut down -not cool. I do like the approach of using "I" statements. "I feel ___ when you ___" (in case you don't already know, you probably do).

 

I had to tell my husband about how I felt about his communication method with me last night (nothing mean at all - and when he explained I totally got it and realized that even when you know someone so well if you're bringing your own baggage or crankiness into it you might misinterpret thoughtful as thoughtless, etc).

 

As Dr. Joy Browne used to say "be curious not furious".

[Batya33]

Katrina -sorry to bud in on this thread but I tried to reply to your PM on what we were discussing about my family event and I got a message that you're not allowed to receive private messages.

[katrina1980]

Katrina -sorry to bud in on this thread but I tried to reply to your PM on what we were discussing about my family event and I got a message that you're not allowed to receive private messages.

 

I know and thank you but I have disabled it - I have decided to step away from this forum for awhile, and focus on my new relationship.

 

I wish you, reinvent and everyone the best!

 

ETA: Apologies to reinvent for the short hijack.

[Jibralta]

My husband knows there are certain times I just want me time - typically when I have my breakfast and coffee (and he is not a coffee drinker -what was I thinking??) and if I've spent hours with our son and he comes home, I am desperate for me time. He knows this. We have minor conflict at night when I read in the living room before bed and watch a bit of TV. At wind down time I'm not up for long or intense conversations but I also understand that by then I've been cleaning in the kitchen for a few hours and he wants to chat (he is a night owl,I'm a morning person-he does lots of his work at night). So we kind of work it out -I do listen to him, I do have conversations but I really just want to sit in our rocking chair and read for 15 minutes or so and munch on dry cereal. Is that too much for a tired momma to ask for?

 

That's funny. When I started my new job, my hours were suddenly in sync with my boyfriend's hours. We left for work and came home at about the same time. It really irked both of us. I mean, it was like constant contact for a while. We just kept running into each other! It made me realize how much we each valued our alone time.

 

We started to make room for each other. If I was in the living room, he'd find something to do in the kitchen, etc., so that I could have some time to myself. And vice-versa. I'm still playing around with my work schedule to find a new sweet spot.

 

I'm talking about a pervasive shut down, where asking him a question is met with a one word answer. He's so distracted he might not even hear me.

The weird thing is he's this way the minute his son shows up. I'm trying to sort out the pattern here and the reason behind it.

All I know is I don't mind small doses of it but I need to come up with what my limit is.

 

I get like this, and just so you know, it doesn't really mean anything. I think it's a right-brain/left brain thing. The left side of the brain is the linear thinker and the talker. The right side of the brain doesn't talk much. It handles non-linear thought, concepts, comparisons, spatial reasoning, etc. When I'm visualizing something, or solving problems with the right side of my brain, I can't really speak coherently at the same time. I leave sentences hanging in mid air. I give one-word answers. I sometimes don't respond at all. I also get like this among people, when i'm not 100% sure of the relationship dynamics. I become an observer and I stop participating. Another thing: I get like this when I watch TV. It just hypnotizes me. It's like throwing a blanket over a bird cage. I'm out for the count haha.

 

I see this same trait in my step father, who is a moldmaker and thinks visually all day long. He can sit in stony silence for hours and it drives my mom crazy because she's not like that. She was actually very worried about me when I was a kid, because she's a big talker who comes from a long line of chatterboxes. In fact, when I was about 7, she took me to a mental institution because she thought that I was autistic! They diagnosed me with ADHD, and I think that made her feel a little better about it. LOL.

 

Anyhoo, the point is, he might have stuff on his mind, and it's probably not anything terrible, and it doesn't prevent him from enjoying your company (although it may prevent you from enjoying his!!)

[Batya33]

That's funny. When I started my new job, my hours were suddenly in sync with my boyfriend's hours. We left for work and came home at about the same time. It really irked both of us. I mean, it was like constant contact for a while. We just kept running into each other! It made me realize how much we each valued our alone time.

 

We started to make room for each other. If I was in the living room, he'd find something to do in the kitchen, etc., so that I could have some time to myself. And vice-versa. I'm still playing around with my work schedule to find a new sweet spot.

 

 

 

I get like this, and just so you know, it doesn't really mean anything. I think it's a right-brain/left brain thing. The left side of the brain is the linear thinker and the talker. The right side of the brain doesn't talk much. It handles non-linear thought, concepts, comparisons, spatial reasoning, etc. When I'm visualizing something, or solving problems with the right side of my brain, I can't really speak coherently at the same time. I leave sentences hanging in mid air. I give one-word answers. I sometimes don't respond at all. I also get like this among people, when i'm not 100% sure of the relationship dynamics. I become an observer and I stop participating. Another thing: I get like this when I watch TV. It just hypnotizes me. It's like throwing a blanket over a bird cage. I'm out for the count haha.

 

I see this same trait in my step father, who is a moldmaker and thinks visually all day long. He can sit in stony silence for hours and it drives my mom crazy because she's not like that. She was actually very worried about me when I was a kid, because she's a big talker who comes from a long line of chatterboxes. In fact, when I was about 7, she took me to a mental institution because she thought that I was autistic! They diagnosed me with ADHD, and I think that made her feel a little better about it. LOL.

 

Anyhoo, the point is, he might have stuff on his mind, and it's probably not anything terrible, and it doesn't prevent him from enjoying your company (although it may prevent you from enjoying his!!)

 

Great points and I like also the general idea about stepping back and looking at whether routines/patterns have changed in your environment. Stepping back takes time and we're all so busy!!The other night I realized how I like my me time in the kitchen so I can listen to my radio/podcasts and do my cleaning routine. My husband often watches a show in the other room -it's not so I can tune him out. So he came in because we'd not had a chance to catch up and it was almost like he was in a boxing ring in reverse- he kept darting around since I basically fly around the kitchen with those evil wipes in my hand, putting things away, getting things organized for the next day. His movements were so jarring and annoying and I realized that if he were a woman he'd probably know exacltly where to stand and what would happen next lol - or -gasp -ask if she could help (which I didn't want or expect). So yes I wanted to retreat into my podcasts and busywork and "me time" and yes I also wanted to tell him about my evening. So also keep in mind maybe that the closed off person might not even know what he wants at that moment.