Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Heading home today after a week long annual girls trip to Utah.

Ready to get home, see my cat, my man, tackle work projects and wedding plans.

First off, need to survive a 9 hour drive home with 3 girlfriends I spent a little too much time with this week [emoji54]

[Batya33]

Heading home today after a week long annual girls trip to Utah.

Ready to get home, see my cat, my man, tackle work projects and wedding plans.

First off, need to survive a 9 hour drive home with 3 girlfriends I spent a little too much time with this week [emoji54]

 

Love the photo and the openness of the land and your thoughts!

[Jibralta]

Oh my. Breathtaking!

[reinventmyself]

I have mentioned my best friend G, in the past in my journal. We've been friends for over 30 years. She's always been strong willed and very opinionated. As we get older our negative quirks tend to amplify and I find it difficult to be around G for more than a few hours at time, on a good day. Good day - meaning when she's in a good mood. She's very negative and self centered. Best part is she'll be the first to admit it.

 

Most of my friends are her childhood friends. She tends to be very competitive with me when we are all together.

 

Having just come off a week long trip with these women, I came home spent, exhausted and discouraged. G has a habit of correcting me in front of others and I spent the entire week trying to stay off her radar. She gets either agitated or insecure when she senses what probably feels like I am avoiding her, but avoiding her typically means I am engaging others. At some point I told her off in front of everyone when she corrected me in a condescending tone for the umpteenth time. It's of no surprise to anyone who witnessed it. G's attitude is well known and they were probably surprised I hadn't spoken up earlier.

 

There is something about our dynamic that triggers me. My ex h used to criticize me to make himself feel superior, but I divorced him. Here I am somewhat tolerating G doing the same thing.

 

It got me thinking . .this group thinks I am sooo quiet and sooo nice. I hear it over and over. Well yes and no. I am a little quiet, but what they are witnessing is me, not being myself. I open my mouth and I become a target of G's.

 

I've known this for sometime. I need new friends.

 

Outside of G, these women are in bars 4 to 5 nights a week. As much as I love to blow off some steam and go out once in while, doing it daily is not my style. G doesn't partake in it much at all, so one would think we would at least have this in common.

 

I do have another circle of friends, but they are more like acquaintances that love to have game nights on Saturdays and are celebrating a birthday this Saturday, matter of fact. But Saturdays are the only real day/night I have with my bf that isn't a day that is after work or a day that I need to go to work in the morning.

 

So. . having rattled on. . .I am surrounded by people, coworkers, and female friends, but I do feel lonely at times.

I haven't had the confidant in some time. I don't call G to `talk' because the conversation quickly turns to her complaints. So I'd rather not call her altogether.

 

I've done the Meetup thing and made friends there, I just don't have the time to do so right now.

It shouldn't have to be so much work.

 

I'm traveling for work at the moment. Eating alone and staying it crummy hotels doesn't help my mood.

[Batya33]

Safe travels! I'm not even sure this matters and hope it's ok to ask -but do you mean she criticizes you for being quiet? What does she pick on? Can she take crticism? I'm sorry you had to endure that.

[reinventmyself]

Safe travels! I'm not even sure this matters and hope it's ok to ask -but do you mean she criticizes you for being quiet? What does she pick on? Can she take crticism? I'm sorry you had to endure that.

 

She doesn't criticize me for being quiet. I am quiet around her in an attempt so she can't find the opportunity.

 

But she can find something/anything to criticize me about. Not just me, but others as well. But I seem to be her favorite target when we are around her childhood friends. I am assuming she feels insecure when I am getting along with everyone and she's basically being a pain in the butt.

 

The reasons are too silly to mention - I didn't close the door fast enough and fly came in.

 

The incident when I told her off was while sitting down to play a card game and I needed change for a 5 dollar bill (because you play with 3 single dollars) she attempted to try and embarrass me that I was worried about the 2 dollar difference.

(mind you, she has money issues, I don't and I tend to be generous at times for things when we are together)

I won't sit still for someone trying to make me look petty when I am not.

I lost my cool and stood up in front of everyone and told her how I felt.

 

I am driving and someone in the back seat who knows the area is giving me directions. I can hear her fine, but G needs to repeat every word in a barking tone sitting right next to me in the passenger seat as if I am deaf.

 

It's just the unrelenting little things that build up. At some point, you snap.

 

Elch, I can go on. . but I won't.

[Starlight925]

I have similar issues with a 30-year friendship as well.

 

I've had to back away from the friendship slowly, while maintaining the contact, as she is part of a larger group. No one else in the group does this to me except S., but as she and I were the first friends of the group, we are the most integral to the whole group.

 

As in your situation, S. triggers me as well.

 

We have had a couple of heated discussions about this, with S. apologizing, yet S. will do the same thing, months or years later. I simply sit there in silence, so everyone else just thinks I'm this nice, sweet person.

 

Not that your friend is an enemy of yours (or mine is), but I heard this quote recently, and I think it applies:

"When your enemies are making mistakes, don't interrupt them".

 

In other words, remain quiet and calm. Let your friend show who she is. When she's barking driving directions at you, let the others in the car hear her, while you just keep driving. Let her be heard by others, and she will show herself to be who she is.

 

Like you, I have a ton of other acquaintances, but not as many true friends. I have backed away so much from my friend S. in recent years that she's become more of an acquaintance than a friend, which is actually great, because it allows me to enjoy the rest of the group peacefully.

 

Just wanted you to know that I totally get where you're coming from.

[Batya33]

Ugh sorry about that!

[reinventmyself]

I have similar issues with a 30-year friendship as well.

 

I've had to back away from the friendship slowly, while maintaining the contact, as she is part of a larger group. No one else in the group does this to me except S., but as she and I were the first friends of the group, we are the most integral to the whole group.

 

As in your situation, S. triggers me as well.

 

We have had a couple of heated discussions about this, with S. apologizing, yet S. will do the same thing, months or years later. I simply sit there in silence, so everyone else just thinks I'm this nice, sweet person.

 

Not that your friend is an enemy of yours (or mine is), but I heard this quote recently, and I think it applies:

"When your enemies are making mistakes, don't interrupt them".

 

In other words, remain quiet and calm. Let your friend show who she is. When she's barking driving directions at you, let the others in the car hear her, while you just keep driving. Let her be heard by others, and she will show herself to be who she is.

 

Like you, I have a ton of other acquaintances, but not as many true friends. I have backed away so much from my friend S. in recent years that she's become more of an acquaintance than a friend, which is actually great, because it allows me to enjoy the rest of the group peacefully.

 

Just wanted you to know that I totally get where you're coming from.

 

Wow. .that's eerily similar.

 

I get the whole part about holding my tongue. She shows who she is all the time and everyone sees it. I rarely, if ever confront her.

 

The night I spoke up was the night before our 9 hour drive home. I didn't sleep well regretting it. Mostly regretting the timing and wondering how miserable the drive home would be. Much to my surprise she was overly kind to me the following morning. I may be being too generous if I said she was possibly embarrassed.

 

Maybe I should have spoke up sooner . . and more often.

but nevertheless, I don't need the drama and it shouldn't be so difficult.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Jibralta]

I think that sometimes friendships run their course. Even lifelong friendships. In some cases, they stop being a friendship and start becoming a habit. In other cases, they just sour as people change over time. I wish I could offer you some sort of wisdom, but I really don't know the best thing to do. It pretty much sucks any way you slice it.

[reinventmyself]

I hesitate writing this, because putting in writing makes it more real. Don't know how much real I can handle right now.

When I came back from my sons wedding, my 84 year young mother was complaining of back pain. Long story short, she had a compression fracture and during testing and xrays it's confirmed that she has cancer.

 

It's 10 days later, post surgery and she is currently in a rehabilitation center. Yesterday was her first good day.

 

Initially (and of no surprise to me) she denied all treatment for the cancer. As it turns out she's a good candidate for immune therapy which is less invasive and fewer side effects, so she has agreed to this. She starts treatment in 10 days.

 

In the meantime her 12 year old Yorkshire Terrier has been boarded at the vet and her original desire was to have her euthanized, fearing she wouldn't be able to take care of her. I have bought time over and over and today being the 11th hour, I have to revisit this again. The thought makes me sick. I'll be the one who has to do this.

 

Neither my brother nor I can take her, my brother having 3 -40lb Chow's. Myself being gone 11 hours a day and I have cat. The dog is very attached to my mom, extremely sensitive and a close to impossible candidate for re-homing considering her age and disposition.

 

My mom feels guilty that the dog is suffering and will suffer in someone else's home. That coupled with the unknown she tearfully begs for me to put her down.

Ugh. . I just don't know how much I can handle. I want to do what's right for everyone.

 

My brother's step daughter has offered to keep her until, and if my mom is strong enough to get her back. My last conversation with my brother and his family is the concern that the dog could likely bite the step daughters one year old baby. The baby has nuclear meltdowns and is a handful. As much as I am hopeful this could work, I equally concerned.

 

I am back at work today and afraid of what is waiting for me later.

I swear the past few months have been non stop. Everything just keeps coming in waves.

[Batya33]

I am so very sorry to hear all this. Please post here if it helps. We are here with you.

[reinventmyself]

I am so very sorry to hear all this. Please post here if it helps. We are here with you.

Thank you Batya

[dias]

Better immunotherapy than chemotherapy. Hope your mother will deal with cancer successfully. Good luck to her :)

[reinventmyself]

Thank you dias

[Jibralta]

What a difficult set of circumstances to deal with. Heartbreaking. I hope your mom is ok and gets to be back with her doggie.

[reinventmyself]

We gave into my moms wishes and I left work to go to the vets where the dog is kennelled. I had called a few days before asking what to expect and as instructed I'm heading there (sobbing) to sign papers.

I called to inform them I was coming in only for them tell me now to sit tight and wait for a call from the vet. As it turns out, they wont euthanize an animal that's healthy.

 

Long story short, the dog gets a reprieve, though I feel I could sway them otherwise considering the situation. (But dont tell my mother)

 

The dog is handling being kennelled well and they will keep her indefinitely.

 

I had a firm talk with my mom and told her she no longer needs to worry and she no longer has any say.

 

Her thinking is purely fear based and between my brother and myself we believe in our hearts that the dog and my mother need to go home together and we'll do whatever it takes.

 

I've arranged with the vet and the rehab center that my brother will check the dog out tomorrow and take her to visit my mom.

 

I saw my mom for 10 mins tonight and with that, told her she wore me out for the day and I'll see her tomorrow. . . After her visit with Coco. She was like a vulnerable small child when she finally admitted she felt better about the outcome.

 

I would never had guessed we could have turned this around.

I'm emotionally wrong out and feel.as if someone has pulled all the stuffing out of me.

 

But at the same time, relieved.

[reinventmyself]

A very ex bf and I still keep in contact. I've referred to him before. J and I have been friends since we dated, 14 years ago? (after a year or so of not speaking) We've both been in and out of other relationships and though I have been very positive and expressed genuine happiness for him during these times, I don't often get it in return. He's often asked why, seeing we are such great friends, why we don't try again. There is too much history to go into it, but for the sake of space I can honestly say I could never date him. 14 years ago he broke my heart. He's spent 14 years trying to make up for it.

 

I looooved this guy once upon a time. He is probably one of my two greatest loves in my life. Over the years of being his friend I recognize his intolerance, moods and he's an alcoholic. (I didn't see it at the time) Enough said. He moved to Hawaii and retired last year and about every other month he reaches out to say hello. He was sober when he moved there. I have reasons to believe he's not now. He always has to add some sort of jealous inuendo about my current relationship and has to remind me somehow that we'd be good together, someday.

 

There is this one thing about him that irks the ever-lovin'-life out of me. Depending on his mood, he can be very dismissive. He text me the other day and I informed him about my mother (who's still in the hospital) He and my mom were very close. He promises to call me yesterday and doesn't. He calls in the middle of my work day, asks about my mom and is silent on the other end. He didn't really say anything compassionate and that's ok. It's one of the times in life where you don't know what to say and with that he hustles me off the phone and tells me I must be busy. I feel the same pang I felt from 14 years ago where this guy, even in the most reduced capacity can cut you off and pull the rug out from under you.

 

I promised to text a link to a song from my sons wedding. Two hours later he texts back. `Great song. I know you're busy' It's almost as if he's telling me to not even respond to his text. No worries, I won't. (scratching my head) But grrrr. . .I hate the way this guy makes me feel. It feels like a ball that gets set up, just to knock it down again. And he doesn't understand why we aren't a couple? best part is, I am not the one that reaches out. Sometimes I am not sure why I call him my friend.

 

ok. . done with my rant

 

To J. . `thanks for reminding me'

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . . . .

 

I tried to load a youtube clip with a song and it keeps saying video not available :(

[reinventmyself]

I hesitate writing this.

 

Putting it on paper makes it more real. As if reality in itself isn't enough.

My mom is declining. It will be one month on Friday since she was admitted and every day the hope of her returning home seems to slip further away. It's been one set back after another.

 

I have the medical directive and since my brother is retired he visits her during the day and I visit her after work. I often leave early to miss the traffic. Unfortunately the more important things have happened during the day when I am not there. I try to quarter back things from work or leave at a moments notice.

 

I've called in sick a few of times and I wrestle with taking a leave of absence but the reality is, I don't know what I would do with that time. My mother gets uncomfortable with us hanging around her room too much. She needs her rest and she also feels guilty. My brother leaves for the day and I show up to her rolling her eyes and remarking that `I just ran him off and now you show up'

 

I will ultimately take a time off, I just don't know when the right time is. Right now, I am just winging it a day at a time.

 

During our visits we mostly sit in silence now. She gets restless thinking she needs to have something to say or entertain us.

 

I was watching a show with her on Sunday afternoon and she was trying to run me off. I had to insist that I wanted to see the outcome of the show and to stop trying to get rid of me.

 

I don't have any right answers. I am at such a loss right now. Trying to work while at the same time stuffing the fear and grief. I feel like I am at my breaking point. I contemplated calling in sick today but I don't know what I would have done with myself. So instead I sit here at work and outside of calling doctors and doing things I have put off, like cancelling her daily newspaper, the air is so thick around me I can barely breath.

 

We have a lifetime to wrap our heads around the fact that we ultimately have to say goodbye to our parents. But nothing ever really prepares us for it.

 

My drive home last night I begged that if she wasn't going to pull through this, to take her now.

 

Then I took that back because there is so much I need to tell her before she goes.

[Jibralta]

Then I took that back because there is so much I need to tell her before she goes.

 

What is stopping you from telling her?

[reinventmyself]

What is stopping you from telling her?

 

Because we are all still carrying on with treatments. I can't very talk to her as if it's the end. Until we are told otherwise.

[Batya33]

Because we are all still carrying on with treatments. I can't very talk to her as if it's the end. Until we are told otherwise.

 

I wish you peace and all the best of everything. I don't know what else to say.

[reinventmyself]

It's hard to putting this in writing, but I lost my mom a week ago, last Monday.

My heart is so heavy it's hard to breath sometimes. I am back at work and trying to lead a normal life, when nothing feels normal.

 

Last night was especially difficult. Every Monday I'd go straight to her house after work. I thought of it yesterday and could feel the grief wash over me. Almost instinctively when I feel sad, I would want to reach out to tell her. It was a mind bending moment to realize I can't talk to her about feeling sad -feeling sad about her not being here anymore.

 

After all the drama and excitement is over, the quiet reality sets in. It's a hard hitting adjustment. In my adult years she was more like a big sister than my mother.

 

She died just days before Thanksgiving. My brother accompanied me to my oldest son's fire station, where he was working and from there we went to his brother in laws home for dinner. I felt like I really didn't belong anywhere. Just a lousy time of year to have this happen. I now run from the room if I hear Christmas music.

 

The service is next Monday. My brother and I took care of some immediate things, but settling my mom's estate and clearing her home to sell is the next obstacle. We both agreed it could wait. I just can't imagine what that's going to be like. .

 

Add on top of this, S's mom isn't doing well. She's the primary caregiver to his dad so this translates into him being with them through out the week and coming home just on weekends to see me. (they are 5 hours away) He feels guilty that he can't support me and I feel the same that he has to face this alone.

 

It just comes in waves sometimes. . .

[Batya33]

I'm so so sorry for your and your family's loss.