Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

He didn't call it off. He didnt say anything about it and wanted to stop by and say hi before he went home to be with them.

It just felt like it was taken off the table.

We've since talked about it. Everything is ok. I just have to trust his intentions.

Like I mentioned, he tends to be impulsive and the invitation may have been more about him throwing ideas out and seeing if one stuck to the wall.

[Batya33]

Oh I see you mean he mentioned it but never followed through on making an actual plan.

[reinventmyself]

He did cook dinner for his folks.

Somewhere along the way I was un-included.

In his words, he assumed I was busy

Which is fair. I've been running around with my head cut off.

In spite of his parents staying with him, he offers to help at least twice a day.

[reinventmyself]

Back to work and I can't shake this funk.

 

I thought I was ready for my son to move out and I didn't kid myself that it would be easy. But it would definitely be easier than the other times, except for the fact he decided to let me down on a favor he offered to do for me when it came to setting up for Christmas eve dinner. I won't go into it, but he offered several times, with just as many pushbacks and at the last minute (when it's too late) asks me if I still need it. I told him no. Now he acts hostile to me? Not sure how I ended up the bad guy. But his father has taught him well how to flip someone on the mat to deflect responsibility. All evening he was snarky with me. He thought is was ok to talk to me disrespectfully in front of family too. So not like him. I felt baited 3 to 4 times, but didn't take the bait.

 

I feel hurt. He has told me several times in the past two years how grateful he's been that he's been able to stay with me. I've asked absolutely nothing from him.

He's still in-between places but I doubt he'll be staying with me any longer. He has a new bed in the new place and all his old furniture at mine.

I also asked him to give me an end time. A goodbye of sorts and not just disappear because honestly I'll have no other way of knowing.

 

Yesterday morning he left to go spend Christmas with his father. He wishes me a Merry Christmas and says he'll be back later and then doesn't return. Which honestly is pretty typical for him.

 

It's just not how I wanted to end things.

 

Is there something to this, that if he tries to create a conflict than it somehow makes it easier to leave? I am disappointed, sad and confused.

 

I am not sure if need to tell him how I feel and I don't know if I'll get the opportunity.

[reinventmyself]

With the new year sneaking up on me and Christmas in the rear view mirror, I find myself, much like most being ultra sensitive.

Ready for the dull routine to settle in next week.

 

My relationship with SL continues to grow. I readily admit. . thought I may not have at the time, was not ready for him. I hadn't totally mourned the ending with SS. Funny how I hadn't even cried.

I think at so many levels that I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere but in spite of everything, he was still a very great love in my life.

 

As time fades and I am left with the knowledge of all that was wrong with out relationship, I am sad that I still found myself in an unhealthily relationship, once again.

 

The more distance I get from it the more thankful I am for the lessons. I find myself often lately, just quietly saying `thank you' out loud.

 

*Thank you for having the guts to end it. Or, thanks for being the coward is probably more like it. I ultimately would have ended it, but you beat me to the punch.

I would have stayed much longer and endured more damage than necessary.

Leaving on my own would have been close to impossible. Not impossible, but very close.

 

*Thank you for never fighting for this relationship. I do not take it personally because based on what I know about you, you've never fought for one before.

*Thank you for teaching me the difficult lessons I unfortunately needed to learn again.

*I do not need to compromise who I am to be with a man. I swore I would never be in that position ever again, only to catch myself doing it.

*I have voice and if you don't create a safe place for me to use it, then this isn't a place for me.

*Thank you for running because had you not, I wouldn't have a met a man who is trusting, secure and I feel totally at ease with.

 

I've gone on and on about the chemistry difference between these two men. As much as I hate to admit it - If we are often attracted to what's familiar, even if it isn't good for us

I sadly wonder if my attraction to SS was more subconscious than I want to admit? My history of controlling men is a testimony to that. SL is not remotely controlling and I didn't feel that

initial chemistry I was hoping for. In the end this might appear to be a very good thing.

 

Up until recently I thought if I ever saw, or was contacted by SS it might rock me. Pigs will fly before that man reaches out to anyone. .but nevertheless, I can safely say I could sit across

from today and feel nothing but disappointment and absolutely no desire to engage him, let alone be around him. I wish him well. I giggle to myself and mutter `I hope he finds his unicorn'

 

I can officially close the door on 2017 and SS and all that was wrong with that relationship. No regrets.

 

My last communication with the high school sweet heart was a reminder of how imbalanced he was and still is.

My recent communication BB reminds me how twisted and controlling he is/was. There was a time it use to trigger me. Now I just find it sick and somewhat amusing?

Based on alot of my choices, I really need my head examined.

 

Happy NEW Year. . . .:cool:

[RetroMama77]

THIS!! "I have voice and if you don't create a safe place for me to use it, then this isn't a place for me."

 

I am also starting 2018 in the healthiest relationship of my life. I was married to a very narcissistic meth addict.

 

Happy New Year to a fellow survivor!!

[Batya33]

I hope you have a wonderful New Year and that it is the start of a great 2018!

[Clarisse]

With the new year sneaking up on me and Christmas in the rear view mirror, I find myself, much like most being ultra sensitive.

Ready for the dull routine to settle in next week.

 

My relationship with SL continues to grow. I readily admit. . thought I may not have at the time, was not ready for him. I hadn't totally mourned the ending with SS. Funny how I hadn't even cried.

I think at so many levels that I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere but in spite of everything, he was still a very great love in my life.

 

As time fades and I am left with the knowledge of all that was wrong with out relationship, I am sad that I still found myself in an unhealthily relationship, once again.

 

The more distance I get from it the more thankful I am for the lessons. I find myself often lately, just quietly saying `thank you' out loud.

 

*Thank you for having the guts to end it. Or, thanks for being the coward is probably more like it. I ultimately would have ended it, but you beat me to the punch.

I would have stayed much longer and endured more damage than necessary.

Leaving on my own would have been close to impossible. Not impossible, but very close.

 

*Thank you for never fighting for this relationship. I do not take it personally because based on what I know about you, you've never fought for one before.

*Thank you for teaching me the difficult lessons I unfortunately needed to learn again.

*I do not need to compromise who I am to be with a man. I swore I would never be in that position ever again, only to catch myself doing it.

*I have voice and if you don't create a safe place for me to use it, then this isn't a place for me.

*Thank you for running because had you not, I wouldn't have a met a man who is trusting, secure and I feel totally at ease with.

 

I've gone on and on about the chemistry difference between these two men. As much as I hate to admit it - If we are often attracted to what's familiar, even if it isn't good for us

I sadly wonder if my attraction to SS was more subconscious than I want to admit? My history of controlling men is a testimony to that. SL is not remotely controlling and I didn't feel that

initial chemistry I was hoping for. In the end this might appear to be a very good thing.

 

Up until recently I thought if I ever saw, or was contacted by SS it might rock me. Pigs will fly before that man reaches out to anyone. .but nevertheless, I can safely say I could sit across

from today and feel nothing but disappointment and absolutely no desire to engage him, let alone be around him. I wish him well. I giggle to myself and mutter `I hope he finds his unicorn'

 

I can officially close the door on 2017 and SS and all that was wrong with that relationship. No regrets.

 

My last communication with the high school sweet heart was a reminder of how imbalanced he was and still is.

My recent communication BB reminds me how twisted and controlling he is/was. There was a time it use to trigger me. Now I just find it sick and somewhat amusing?

Based on alot of my choices, I really need my head examined.

 

Happy NEW Year. . . .:cool:

 

Great post. So much introspection and learning and HOPE.

 

Happy New Year, friend. Here's to a better year in 2018 for everyone.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, a great post and this current guy does seem very nice!

[Jibralta]

Sounds like you are moving right along.

 

As much as I hate to admit it - If we are often attracted to what's familiar, even if it isn't good for us

 

I remember worrying once, during the melancholy period following an unexpected break-up, if it would be possible for me to find a companion if I wasn't 'broken' in some way. It seemed like so many guys gravitated to a certain pain-pattern. Women, too, obviously, but I was more concerned with my 'mate-ableness' at the time.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense, now that I type it..... But anyway, I was in therapy at the time, working on myself, and I had this fear that if I resolved my inner turmoil, it could actually be unattractive. The White Knights would certainly run screaming (no major loss there), but what if real men were repulsed by sound mental health as well?

 

Oh well, didn't stop me. And everything turned out fine. But I do see the patterns of attraction, for sure.

[reinventmyself]

My guy has been sick since Monday night. The flu that's going around here is around 8 days, start to finish.

I had it, though not as bad, it did last over a week.

SL says it's the most sick he's ever been.

 

He has a baseball tournament in the morning tomorrow and we have a wedding in the evening.

Rented a hotel room, new dress, shoes and all.

Good thing I didn't take the tags off. It's not 100% percent a no go, but absolutely very unlikely.

 

I feel really bad for him and up until last night, he's denied any help whatsoever.

I brought him dinner and some Nyquil last night and he seriously stood on the other side of door motioning through the window, wanting me to leave it on the door step. I joked about doing it, but it was only a joke. Didn't think he'd take me seriously. I ultimately got him to open the door. Stubborn men!

[Jibralta]

Poor guy. Hope he feels better!

 

My flu wasn't that bad this year, either. It was waaaaaay worse when I got it a couple of years ago.

[Batya33]

Oh! I hope he feels much better soon and you are being so thoughtful and caring.

[reinventmyself]

SL was feeling ok enough to go to the wedding. It ended up being somewhat a petri dish of viruses. Most of the wedding party was sick, the groom kept blowing his nose. All the talk at the dinner tables was flu this, sick that. I felt like a germa-phobe washing my hands so much. With that, I end up getting sick again.

Aarrgh. It's all good because it's all behind us now.

 

The father of the bride owns a helicopter manufacturing co and the father of groom owns an electronic billboard co.

So lets just say - money was no object.

It was by far the most opulent wedding I have ever witnessed. Really beautiful despite the wheezing and sniffles :)

 

Back to normal finally, health and holiday wise. Work is boring at the moment and the days are routine and long.

 

I have a condo in need of updating and repairs. I want new furniture and I want to change almost everything.

My oldest son finally moved out (again) after this 2 year stay and I am ready.

 

My past two relationships (especially my last one) often challenged my wanting to do these things because to them, it was seen as sign of my lack of commitment to the relationship. Most likely due to the relationships being LD, where we would ultimately end up living was the elephant in the room. Any unilateral move was seen as some sort of sign. . .to them. SS bought a house full of new furniture and it didn't threaten me and in any way. I just couldn't understand. And because of this I didn't buy a new bed or update my kitchen, etc. Stupid, I know.

 

I just blurted it out the other night. I prefaced it to SL that I wasn't saying this for his benefit, but more for mine. Because he's so easy going about things I didn't think it would occur to him, but nevertheless I told him that I didn't know where we were going, and if we end up still together tomorrow, a year from now or 4 years from now, there was some things I needed to do. (He had gone with me to buy a mattress and asked why I would go from a king to a queen. `because I want to?' was my only answer)

 

"And if we do end up together and we have 3 of everything, I'm ok with that, but between now and then there are some things I need to do for myself"

 

He looked rather perplexed and told me not to be concerned. I told him I wasn't concerned about him. Again, it was more about me and I was glad I got that off my chest so I didn't need to think about it again. An hour later he pulls me aside and brings it up again. Apparently he had been giving it more thought.

 

"Look, you do whatever you need to do and I'll support you in any way I can. Don't worry about me. I'm good"

 

He's a good guy and he's exactly opposite of my past 2 choices. No one is more surprised then me.

[Silverbirch]

This guy sounds REALLY nice!

[reinventmyself]

Things just keep getting better.

 

5 months and counting. I do go back and forth in my mind still comparing SL to others before him. I do it in such a way that I am learning things from all of this.

 

I have moments, one recently where I apologized for not returning his phone call fast enough. SL at first confused, realized that this had more to do with my previous conditioning. SS would get upset and coupled with inferences of his unfounded mistrust in me or women in general. SL has pointed out a couple things to me that I am learning to undo. It's a good thing and a sad one at the same time.

My conditioned responses are sometimes not very healthy.

 

Most recently I recoiled when SL shared with me that he had dated someone 15 years younger than himself, sometime ago. It was an innocent conversation that happened to end there. He could tell that I had instantly checked out. A couple days later he brought it up. `You know, you need to stop trying to find things wrong with me, with us" I am not insecure with the idea that he dated someone younger. I just wouldn't have much in common with a man who preferred younger women and what that might say about them.

 

It's not the first time a man has said this to me. It does make me kind of sad and I as hard as it was to hear, I am glad he said it.

I am on the look out for a reason to bolt. It's a bad habit.

 

We just got back from a ski vacation. As nice as that might sound it was rather anticlimactic. SL just having gotten over the flu from hell and me having thrown my back out moving furniture only 2 days before. We went back and forth on what to do and decided to go anyway because we would ultimately be out of the money spent on the condo. He skied only half day, one day and me -I laid on the couch nursing my back and watching it snow. Outside of us not being able to ski, it was still nice and cozy and we binged watched a series, drank wine, cooked great meals and sat in front of the fire place.

 

I am thankful for this man to have come into my life. He has taught me more in the past 5 months than I have learned in a very long time.

He is so sweet and kind, hilarious, not to mention handsome. . .I have just been suspicious why the heck he was single.

I figured there had to be something wrong with him.

Turns out I was wrong.

[Jibralta]

Outside of us not being able to ski, it was still nice and cozy and we binged watched a series, drank wine, cooked great meals and sat in front of the fire place.

 

Sounds like paradise :)

 

Really glad it's going so well!

[Silverbirch]

Could you please tell me where I might meet a man like This? Thank you

[reinventmyself]

SL rents a small house and behind it is a smaller house, somewhat of a studio. A very young professional women lives there.

SL is very cordial by nature, bordering on uber friendly.

This young woman M, has had dinner with SL and his son. They do the typical things neighbors do, borrow sugar, sit in the courtyard and have a drink, etc.

 

I've met her several times. Didn't think much of it. SL has mentioned that when she moved in, some young man drove by and asked if this woman was indeed moving in the

house. He was forwarned that she was somewhat kookie, but SL took it with a grain of salt. Or, he was telling me this for my benefit so I wouldn't think much of her?

 

One night about a month ago, she texts SL (while I am sitting there) updating him on her health.

Apparently she was very sick and joked about not be alarmed if she called the paramedics.

OK. . I think. Rather personal. I don't update my neighbors on my health status. But maybe I am wrong.

 

Next, she is traveling in Europe for work and she is texting him photos. Again. .friends, OK? Neighbors. . uuhm, not sure.

 

Last night we arrive home from a super bowl party.

I walk thru the gate first, followed by SL's son and she practically pushed past the two of us and jumps in SL's arms so happy to see him?

She had been away for work for 2 weeks. I am not insecure by nature, but at the same time I do have a pretty good sense of boundaries and appropriateness.

 

I can't think of any of my friends I might jump into the arms of having been away for 2 weeks, let alone my somewhat older, male neighbor.

 

T (the son) and I went in the house and left the two of them catch up. It seemed she the was one that kept SL outside for longer than expected.

I felt somewhat uncomfortable and trying to take my pulse whether I was just being insecure or if this was appropriate it or not.

 

I didn't say anything about it. From what SL has told me, she's quite the drinker and maybe she had too much to drink, being super bowl Sunday and all?

Prior to any of this I wouldn't have said anything about it, but that to me crossed the line somewhat.

I don't know if I might say anything next time something like this happens and I want to consider the ramifications.

 

Just needed some outside input. . (if anyone has some time on their hands)

[katrina1980]

 

I walk thru the gate first, followed by SL's son and she practically pushed past the two of us and jumps in SL's arms so happy to see him?

She had been away for work for 2 weeks. I am not insecure by nature, but at the same time I do have a pretty good sense of boundaries and appropriateness.

 

I can't think of any of my friends I might jump into the arms of having been away for 2 weeks, let alone my somewhat older, male neighbor.

 

T (the son) and I went in the house and left the two of them catch up. It seemed she the was one that kept SL outside for longer than expected.

I felt somewhat uncomfortable and trying to take my pulse whether I was just being insecure or if this was appropriate it or not.

 

 

She literally jumped into your boyfriend's arms?

 

I am trying to imagine this, do you remember my thread about when I arrived at my boyfriend's apt and his female neighbor was in his kitchen, and upon seeing me said "oh this is awkward" with a sheepish look on her face? And how upset I got, I walked out, and he came after me?

 

If I recall your response correctly, you said my response was appropriate and that you would have done the same thing.

 

Just my opinion, but this seems ten times worse than that, and NO this was not appropriate.

 

How did your bf respond after she jumped into his arms? Talk about awkward.

 

And he actually stayed out there with her for a time and engaged with her? While you, his girlfriend, was inside waiting for him?

 

I think I must be misinterpreting what happened reinvent, because this sounds quite unbelievable to me.

[reinventmyself]

She literally jumped into your boyfriend's arms?

 

I am trying to imagine this, do you remember my thread about when I arrived at my boyfriend's apt and his female neighbor was in his kitchen, and upon seeing me said "oh this is awkward" with a sheepish look on her face? And how upset I got, I walked out, and he came after me?

 

If I recall your response correctly, you said my response was appropriate and that you would have done the same thing.

 

Just my opinion, but this seems ten times worse than that, and NO this was not appropriate.

 

How did your bf respond after she jumped into his arms? Talk about awkward.

 

And he actually stayed out there with her for a time and engaged with her?

 

I think must be misinterpreting what happened because this sounds quite unbelievable to me.

 

yep. . exactly as you said. And I do recall your moment with your guy in the kitchen.

T(son) and I walked in the house and I assumed SL would be right behind us, if not at least a moment later. . but it was more like 10 minutes later. How did he respond? not entirely sure. I kept walking with the son thinking he would be right behind us.

 

When he came in I didn't say anything about it and after a few moments said my goodbyes for the evening.

 

I can't help but wonder if his son said anything to his dad. Those 10 min's seemed to hang in the air forever.

[Silverbirch]

She is also a much younger woman, and I wouldn't expect all of her choices and behaviours to be the same as the average older woman - yes partly fuelled by alcohol. when I was a much younger woman, I viewed 50 year old men as old - older often than my father - and definitely not that type of interest from me.

[reinventmyself]

She is also a much younger woman, and I wouldn't expect all of her choices and behaviours to be the same as the average older woman - yes partly fuelled by alcohol. when I was a much younger woman, I viewed 50 year old men as old - older often than my father - and definitely not that type of interest from me.

 

Well. . .they aren't that far apart that dating would be out of the question. SL is also very young for his age.

[katrina1980]

Regardless whether or not anything inappropriate is going on between them (which frankly, from what you've posted about him, I very much doubt), I will say the same thing to you that others said to me about my situation -- your bf needs better boundaries.

 

If you felt (feel) uncomfortable about it (which would be totally understandable!), why not tell him? My goodness, you (his girlfriend) just witnessed another woman jumping into his arms, ANY woman would be uncomfortable with that!

 

Personally, I would be more than uncomfortable, especially since he remained out there with her afterwards, knowing that you were waiting for him inside.

 

Communicate. I did with my bf and it brought us closer together.

 

He totally understood my POV (and why I was upset), and after explaining the situation further, I understood his.

[katrina1980]

reinvent, I have a question.

 

Are you viewing this situation as a reason (justification) to bolt?

 

Your reaction now (calm, cool, collected) seems odd, almost as if you're numb or something.

 

Please talk to him.