Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

(And yes I did think our conversations over the years were very balanced as between her stuff and mine nor did I feel needy, etc when I spoke with her). It does hurt but as time passes it hurts less. Having shared this I also recognize that the thought of telling G how you really feel is a difficult prospect especially given your mutual friends. And, would she really hear you?

 

I had to think about this for a sec. Tell her what exactly? We aren't as close as we used to be (and why? I don't see myself telling her she's insufferably negative) but let's cut the tension for the sake of group?

Nah. . that wouldn't go over well.

 

What makes it complicated is this one group of ladies happens to be her childhood friends. I am somewhat the interloper. Or at least I was. I have gotten along with everyone, but for years I've had to go thru G to spend time with them. Enough time has passed that they've become my friends as well. (one would think)

 

Well, that's the way the women and I see it. G on the other hand isn't entirely happy if I spend time with them without going thru her first.

Or that's what I am assuming by the tension and small comments.

I've even endured questions like "Laurie called you? My Laurie??"

 

The last time I saw her I met up with the ladies via an invitation by group text. I had arrived before G and when she showed up there was this awkward tension from her and she both surprise and initially didn't seem happy to see me. She asked in snarky tone: `where's your man??' Mind you she isn't interested in my happiness (because it's a reminder of her bad decisions) so she wasn't asking for the right reasons.

 

I just refuse to get caught up in it, but I only have control over my end of it. But I find myself having assuage her for the first hour to get her to warm up to me.

 

I keep wondering if I am imagining it and creating a problem where this isn't one.

[reinventmyself]

. .ugh. . I called her and she complained for 30 minutes.

My ears are bleeding.

But hey. . the tension was relieved. Lucky me.

[Batya33]

Sorry! I would be direct and ask whether she's been feeling negative lately and that that is the energy/vibe you get from her.

[reinventmyself]

I think I am going to be stuck at being `in like' with SL. It makes me sad and confused.

 

I look back at those rare butterflies, weak knees moments with men in my life and they were men that were ultimately not healthy choices for me.

 

I went to a dinner at a friends house and one of my friends asked in front of the group of women how the new romance was going.

My (wine fueled) response was "I don't think he's `f'd' up enough for me' Which sadly got a great response from the group.

 

I am trying to hang in here and learn something from this. I know I have issues with availability and intimacy.

Is it because he's capable of both that I want to push him away?

 

Last night he came over for dinner. We were midsentence about one story and I interrupted and pointed out the words to one song that was playing. He took a moment to bookmark it on his phone to listen to later. Moments later he apologized for not paying closer attention to the song in the moment. It's those type of things that make him so special and I am not accustomed too. Mind you, I interrupted him.

 

That and being out with my friends both Fri and Sat. SS would have pushed my buttons one hundred times sideways so I would have been an anxious mess considering how much he would disapprove. . so much so I might have come home early and not enjoyed myself. SL just tells me 'goodnight, have fun and Ill talk to you tomorrow'

 

Or recently SL text me and I didn't hear my phone. 90 mins later I responded and it triggered such anxiety from me because of my experiences with SS and how upset he would have been and the drama that it would have caused. I apologized to SL and he couldn't understand why.

 

Sadly, I was madly in love with SS. SL, who proves to me all the time how secure he is with himself and I am second guessing the whole thing.

 

The only negative I can come up with about SL is he is very upbeat. Sounds horrible right?! Approaching 3 mo's the giggles and antics grow weary.

I feel like I am dating a 12 yr old at times. He does make me laugh though. But can he be serious for moment?

 

I guess it just hard coming off of something that was so intense. Good or bad. Trying to recognize that normal is a good thing.

[Silverbirch]

I get where you ate at and sympathise - it maybe empathise - but I'm tired of it. I want NICE

[reinventmyself]

I haven't update in a while. Maybe because I was tired of sounding like a broken record.

 

Things with SL and I have marinated slowly. There were times I longed for the weak kneed feeling but something kept me hanging in there. The first couple months I was pretty much waiting for him to give me a reason call it quits. But he didn't and he hasn't.

 

Much to my surprise I have fallen in love with him. I still have moments that arise when there is a moment I expect a conditioned response I might have gotten from previous relationships.

It triggers me in some negative way, but each and every time SL has responded with warmth, empathy and humor. Sadly, I am not accustomed to this.

There isn't anything I can't say to him. He in turn is an open book.

 

I look back at every relationship I have ever had and even the better ones had some sort of minor bump along the way in the first couple of months, but I can honestly say that nearing 4 months we haven't even come close. .

 

Thanksgiving weekend I had an opportunity to go with 2 girlfriends to join a single male friend who's boat was moored at an island close by. I would NEVER had considered it with SS. So much so I wouldn't even had mentioned it. I accepted the invitation and respectfully ran it past SL, because after all had he decided to go spend the weekend on some single woman's boat I had never met, I would appreciate it if had thought to run it past me. He couldn't have been any better about it. Even at the last moment when I was having 2nd thoughts because I have basically overcommitted myself the entire week, SL encouraged me to go.

 

This is just one of many examples of how easy it is to be with him. He has a wicked sense of humor and he keeps me on my toes. He brings out the best in me.

 

I stayed the night last night and he cooked me dinner and even though I get up at an ungodly hour for work, he still got up before me to make coffee and pack left overs for my lunch.

I could gush on. . but I'll stop here.

 

This just didn't follow a path I was accustomed to and I am glad I hung in there. It's been a pleasant surprise.

 

Funny, I haven't even discussed him much with my family or friends. (or here) They know I am dating someone but I am playing this one close to my chest.

I guess I am just tired of explaining why each one before had crashed and burned. This way I don't need to explain much.

But at the rate this is going and approaching 4 months since we first met, I'll need to start showing him off some.

 

I do have a minor dilemma with Christmas Eve. I typically cook dinner for my family and my home is really small. 12 people is really crowded. I have never met SL's parents and they will be in town. That and considering his son, I honestly cannot accommodate them for dinner. Besides it's just not the time to meet his folks. It's a small intimate setting and I try to imagine these poor people sitting amongst us passing gifts around themselves - pass them to the left or the right and not having a clue who anyone is. By the time we are done the wrapping paper in my living room is 4 feet deep and there is no way I can seat 16.

 

First and foremost I don't want to hurt SL's feelings. I just need to find the opportunity and words to talk about it. It's been the elephant in the room for me lately.

SL will be cooking for his family and because I am avoiding the conversation I do not know exactly what day. My guess if I am free, he'd invite me.

But I would be one more place setting to add, not a family of 4 that we haven't met before.

 

And to be fair. . I just want to skip the whole `who's coming to dinner?' at my house. I've rotated different men every odd year here and there.

If I didn't know any better. . My family may be having some fun with it at my expense. Oh well. . I guess in some ways I deserve it.

[Jibralta]

It sounds like things are going really well. I'm happy for you!

[reinventmyself]

I'm sitting at my desk killing time while the entire company has head out to a venue for our holiday party.

I dread this every year.

 

Most staff socialize with those in their department. They will sit together, saving seats at large tables.

 

My department consists of mellinnials. That coupled w being their supervisor it goes w/o saying, we don't socialize.

 

Add in my title. I enforce policies and handle complaints. People typically deal w me when they either want something or are upset.

 

Being a manager also means when you walk in a room people scatter. I never get used to clearing the room.

 

My closest work friend isn't here today. I have no shirt tail to hold onto. No doubt I'll meander around and try to look like I belong. It's that little child in me that wants to fit in.

 

In my personal life I do. Thats what matters, right? I am surrounded by those who embrace me. Unfortunately I spend 2/3rds of my life at work. It's not personal but it's something I never quite get used to.

 

OK. . I've stalled enough. Hoping all they are at least 2 drinks in before I get there.

[Batya33]

I can relate. What I do is tell myself I have to stay for 30 to 45 minutes and talk to 3 people. Mine sometimes are like yours and sometimes much more pleasant. Good luck !!

[Jibralta]

Some places are like that. Actually, some departments are like that. It sucks.

 

When I started working where I am now, I was in the worst department. Similar group-think dynamic, though not comprised of millennials but people who worshiped their despotic, idiotic bosses. I said the same thing to myself as you did: I fit in in my personal life, and that's what counts. I even posted group pictures of friends on my wall so that I was practically staring at them when seated at my desk. I never do that. But desperate times call for desperate measures. It did help a little, but the day to day undercurrent of rejection still wore on me.

 

Then the company went through some major upheavals. Most of the zealots and Luddites jumped ship or were purged. But a few hung on, surviving with the skill of cockroaches. I secretly enjoy watching them scramble around, trying to remain relevant.

 

One thing that irks me in general is the fact that since we are the acquired company, we all seem to be regarded as bastard stepchildren by employees of the acquiring company. Our holiday party has been moved to mid-January. Last year, all of our name tags were printed Last Name, First Name, while the acquiring company attendee's names were all properly stated.

[reinventmyself]

It ended up no being as bad as I thought. I scanned the room and at least 1/4 of the people there sat around enduring the day and were for the most part flying solo. I sat with a couple other ladies and watched the clock til it was time to leave.

Until next year :/

[Realitynut]

Reinvent....just to say...your guy sounds like a SAINT. When a person says he's one in a million....believe it! So lucky you two fit together perfectly. I do believe love grows, and you don't need to go weak in the knees in the beginning. That's infatuation. Like Batya likes to say....YOU don't even KNOW him yet...lol

 

Apparently he's weak in the knees, crazy over you...and that's all that's needed! :love-struck:

[Batya33]

Reinvent....just to say...your guy sounds like a SAINT. When a person says he's one in a million....believe it! So lucky you two fit together perfectly. I do believe love grows, and you don't need to go weak in the knees in the beginning. That's infatuation. Like Batya likes to say....YOU don't even KNOW him yet...lol

 

Apparently he's weak in the knees, crazy over you...and that's all that's needed! :love-struck:

 

"You know your pairs of socks better than you know him" (I apparently don't - I never know where my favorite socks are let alone in an actual pair).

[reinventmyself]

My department consists of mellinnials.

 

even with spell check, I can spell millennials wrong

 

Thanks for the kind words.

Yah. . he's pretty special :)

[Batya33]

My department consists of mellinnials.

 

even with spell check, I can spell millennials wrong

 

Thanks for the kind words.

Yah. . he's pretty special :)

 

Can millenials spell??? ;-)

[reinventmyself]

My boss is a certifiable nut job. The entire company knows this. Outside of this fact I do like my job. He makes it very difficult at times.

 

For the entire year he has wanted to purchase software so my staff in the corporate office can remotely open the front door in another office 35 miles away if the receptionist steps away.

I have been very vocal about how - this - will - not - work.

 

Our company has it's own in house law firm and due to dealing with sensitive legal issues, lawyers are often threatened by disgruntled plaintiffs.

Why on earth would we remotely open a door when there is no one in the reception area to greet them or sign for packages?

 

Every couple months this has flared up. Ultimately I was ordered to purchase this software and oversee the install. I have receptionists on both ends concerned, asking me questions. My response is I am deferring to my boss.

Install complete and live as of last Thursday.

 

My boss asks me how this is going to work and what the parameters and expectations are. I tell him that I have had concerns all along and therefore I am deferring to him to set the expectation. In front of another supervisor he says:

"if you had concerns, why did you wait until after we purchased it to say so" I just about fell off my chair. I defended the position I have held all along.

He states: "I swear to God you never said anything" Me: " I swear to God I did'

Now I feel sick to my stomach.

He bold face lied and called me a liar. These are conditions I work under sometimes.

 

Best part is our COO left and the Sr. VP of HR has absorbed my dept. She knows nothing of operations outside of what my boss tells her. Add into that they are very close friends.

So basically I have no advocate and I have endure BS such as this.

 

It's been close to week and the issue of the intercom and door is become somewhat of a red herring. He refuses to make a decision on it and continues to ask my staff for input. They in turn look at me.

He called a meeting to discuss it yesterday and cancelled. Today the same thing.

 

Aaaargh. Just had to get that off my chest. I need to punch something.

[reinventmyself]

Can millenials spell??? ;-)

 

Great point. . lol

[Jibralta]

He bold face lied and called me a liar. These are conditions I work under sometimes.

 

Best part is our COO left and the Sr. VP of HR has absorbed my dept. She knows nothing of operations outside of what my boss tells her. Add into that they are very close friends.

 

Ugh. Nauseating.

[reinventmyself]

My oldest son is moving out, again.

He's been with me for 2 years, almost to the day. I'll miss him, but it's time. He moved home to go into the academy. Subsequently stayed during a year of probation and now that that's all behind him, he's living large.

Traveling to Europe, recently single and dating different girls. If he comes home it's typically 3 am.

 

Though he's quiet and respectful, at this point I think I am enabling him more than helping him. Shoot, for that matter he's probably making more money then me now. Outside of his beer tab he has no financial obligations.

I was working up to asking him what his plans were and considering giving him a nudge, but he beat me to the punch and announced he's moving out. The apartment he came from, one of the guys is moving out which means he'll get the master bedroom.

I'll miss him, but the timing is right.

 

I've been putting off doing some work on the house and it's really in dire need of some updates.

Now I have no more excuses.

 

That and I don't have SL over. He's met my sons. But I don't really like to mix my personal life with my kids. If SL is still around a year from now it might be different. But for the past 4 mo's I've been going to SL's house. At some point I wonder if he takes it personally.

Even last night SL commented on stopping by. My response "Alex will be home" Silence on the other end of the phone. That just spilled out of my mouth before I realized how it sounded. That's the very last time I can say that out loud.

 

I also have to admit that this has been somewhat of a buffer for me. SL often comments it would be easier on me and my schedule if he could stay at my house.

What excuse will I come up with so I can go home alone a few nights a week?

[Larkin]

What excuse will I come up with so I can go home alone a few nights a week?

 

You don't need an excuse. You tell him it's nothing personal, but you need your alone time.

[reinventmyself]

Easy enough, right?

But I have a history of not providing enough time for my partners. So much so it's caused conflicts, cheating and ended relationships.

I get that at this point in my life I need to find someone well suited for me.

If this is an issue, tell me now.

I am honest about it up front.

With SL and SS I asked them straight up if this was going to be enough for them.

I guess people and not excluding myself, aren't entirely honest with themselves about what they really want.

[Jibralta]

I guess people and not excluding myself, aren't entirely honest with themselves about what they really want.

 

I am constantly discovering new things about myself and what I really want!

[reinventmyself]

Just a minor blip in the relationship arena.

SL is a little impulsive. Not in a bad way. His exuberance get's the best of him at times.

His parents are in town and staying with him for a week. In passing on Thurs he mentions me coming by to meet them and having dinner last night.

He golfed all day with friends and about midday texts me about stopping by my house on his way home. I have a long list of things to do between now

and Christmas eve, but I did loosely plan to head home and change to do to his house for dinner. No firm plans, no firm time. But it was more likely to

happen than not.

With the text of him stopping by in the afternoon it occurred to me that we were not on the same page. I have to readjust my attitude and my day and decide to keep

running errands and not go home to change. He calls me around 3 while heading home from golf and wanted to say hi. I told him I wasn't home. He

seemed disappointed to not see me.

Had it been anything else I am pretty easy going these things, but mentioning meeting the parents and dinner only to have it taken off the table and I am

trying to not take it personally. I can tell he's been drinking while golfing and chose not to bring it how I was feeling while talking over the phone.

 

He calls me later and again in his own style. . loosely mentions coming by my house tonight. With that I spilled. I shared with him that based on his mention previously, I planned

my two days tightly and told my friends I would see them tonight. This means not seeing him for another few days.

 

I can tell he felt bad. . I trust his intentions are good. He in turn invites me to come meet his parents. I don't want to feel he was provoked to do so.

But there is that little voice in me that wonders if the change in plans are not a coincidence.

 

I hate I but I am feeling a little insecure about it. It probably has to do with the time of year. Things take on a sense of heightened importance.

I told him it's ok. . after all it's not like he's invited to meet my family during the holidays.

But I didn't offer. . he did.

Awkward.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry -I didn't understand all you wrote. Why did he call off the plans to meet his parents?

[Larkin]

I'm sorry -I didn't understand all you wrote. Why did he call off the plans to meet his parents?

Yeah, I missed that part as well.