Another online daing journal

[Jibralta]

That picture is so cute!

[reinventmyself]

What is my decent?

I am a mutt, but my parents did figure out our lineage. Dutch, English, Irish, German and Norwegian.

[reinventmyself]

I had a really nice birthday dinner with K. I had a talk with him at the end of the night. I shared with him that my last couple relationships were jealous and controlling and I am currently in a place where I enjoy not being accountable. I missed out on a lot with my friends, being with them is just what I need to do right now.

 

I pressed him to talk a little more about the relationship that just ended for him. Though he would like to deny it, unless he's cold blooded there is always that disappointment that comes with an ending and a void. I told him that I am leery of being anyone's void filler.

 

I have my answer. He'll be nothing more than my friend. It was affecting his self esteem some seeing his last gf ended it in an email and he wasn't gaining any ground with me. I assured him it wasn't him. He's a good guy with a lot to offer.

 

He also pointed out what I've been discovering. He said it used to be the men were running with their tribe and not really looking for relationships. Now the rules have changed and he says he meets women like me and his last girlfriend that don't really need relationships at this time in their life.

 

I want to do what I want to do. I want to meet the high school sweetheart, which I think is towards the end of month. There is absolutely no romance there and our lifestyles couldn't be any more different. But it want to see him. I probably wouldn't do it or would have hard time defending it in a relationship.

 

I have a very, very ex bf from 10 years ago who is one of my closest friends. He is housesitting in Kona, HI for the month of Sept and I have enough airline miles for a free round trip ticket to hang out with him for a few days. He and I crack each other up and totally get each other. Again, absolutely no chance of romance. But NOT something I could do in a relationship. The list goes on. I am just going to be selfish for a while. I think I deserve it.

 

Last night when the birthday ice cream appeared at the end of dinner, I needed to make a wish and blow out the candle.

It was a weird, comforting moment when I couldn't come up with anything I didn't already have. I am so grateful.

I stammered for a moment and wished for more of same and blew out the candle

[Larkin]

Sounds like you're in a good place, reinvent. Congrats, and Happy Birthday! And love the prom photo. How YOU doin'? lol

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like you're in a good place, reinvent. Congrats, and Happy Birthday! And love the prom photo. How YOU doin'? lol

Awww Larkin. You don't say much but I am honored when you do chime in.

[reinventmyself]

Years ago I dated a guy who I felt something was off. One night standing in line for a movie my date pulled his phone out which exposed a text of a naked torso, dressed in something S&M like. Not sure how I found him but it didn't take long to find him on some skanky adult webcam, hook up site. Mind you, I'm pretty liberal about porn but let's just say this was my limit. It's pretty nasty. Besides it's a vehicle for convenient hook ups. I've looked every few months for while and R logs on daily. Daily!

He was on this morning matteroffact.

 

Fast fwd to K. Something kept me from crossing the line w him. Outside of chemistry and timing there was a gut feeling I couldn't put my finger on.

It's been over a year since I looked at the website. This morning for some unknown reason feel compelled. There's K in all his glory.

I feel a little more desensitized to it. After all he's a single man and this is his personal entertainment. But I don't need this in my life.

The kicker is he states himself as 'Bi-curious!'

 

I had agreed to meet him for our typical Wed night dinner yesterday. Hoping I got thru to him Friday night to be just friends.

 

As of this morning K is blocked.

After I sent him.a text 'bi-curious?'

Snarky, I know but I don't care.

 

For as long as I have known him and all our discussions, did he at anytime consider sharing with me that he has or will entertain men???

Beyond frustrated and a little rattled at the moment.

If it's not one thing it's another.

Just got done talking to a gf. She kept asking what is it that made me look there. I honestly don't know.

The good news is it reinforces me to honor that little voice that tells me 'no!'

[reinventmyself]

I'm sitting here waiting for my oil change on my car with nothing better to do, so I go back and review K's profile.

He lists he's into, among other things TS/TV/TG

Naive me Google's it:

Trans sexual, T vestite, T Gender.

I may never leave my driveway again

[Sportster2005]

I'm sitting here waiting for my oil change on my car with nothing better to do, so I go back and review K's profile.

He lists he's into, among other things TS/TV/TG

Naive me Google's it:

Trans sexual, T vestite, T Gender.

I may never leave my driveway again

 

OMG. Kind of funny, but not in a ha ha kind of way.

[reinventmyself]

I met with the high school sweat heart, G on Saturday. We talked for about 10 hours. I left somewhat drained and a combination of relieved and sad.

 

He was this beautiful young man, brilliant and intense. If I stare long enough could see that in him today but for the most part he's not taken care of himself and has led a pretty dramatic and challenging life and it shows on him.

He's busy running around saving everyone from themselves he doesn't take care of himself.

 

Our paths have been so profoundly different, I just can't relate to his. Ex's with drug habits. Loosing custody of his first daughter and not having a relationship with her. Step son in jail. Supporting family members who choose not to work, or come up with enough excuses to not.

 

He seems happy though? But I don't know if it's a front, which would be typical for someone to display that to someone they hadn't seen in years.

I am glad I got to spend some time with him. I got some answers I needed and maybe some I didn't want to hear.

I still haven't processed the whole thing.

 

And when saying goodbye. . He tells me he never stopped loving me. . ugh.

I feel a little irresponsible

[Sportster2005]

I met with the high school sweat heart, G on Saturday. We talked for about 10 hours. I left somewhat drained and a combination of relieved and sad.

 

He was this beautiful young man, brilliant and intense. If I stare long enough could see that in him today but for the most part he's not taken care of himself and has led a pretty dramatic and challenging life and it shows on him.

He's busy running around saving everyone from themselves he doesn't take care of himself.

 

Our paths have been so profoundly different, I just can't relate to his. Ex's with drug habits. Loosing custody of his first daughter and not having a relationship with her. Step son in jail. Supporting family members who choose not to work, or come up with enough excuses to not.

 

He seems happy though? But I don't know if it's a front, which would be typical for someone to display that to someone they hadn't seen in years.

I am glad I got to spend some time with him. I got some answers I needed and maybe some I didn't want to hear.

I still haven't processed the whole thing.

 

And when saying goodbye. . He tells me he never stopped loving me. . ugh.

I feel a little irresponsible

 

Quite a sad story

 

Try not to feel responsible for other's feelings. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

[faraday]

I still love people from 15 years ago. It doesn't mean I'd change my life if they had come back, or that I want to be with them. It just means that I think they're an awesome human being and look back on our time fondly.

[reinventmyself]

I still love people from 15 years ago. It doesn't mean I'd change my life if they had come back, or that I want to be with them. It just means that I think they're an awesome human being and look back on our time fondly.

 

I sense there is more coming my way. He's been texting and last night said he needed to talk to me . . possibly tonight. I didn't reach out to him to begin with and I didn't encourage this to go any further.

[notalady]

I sense there is more coming my way. He's been texting and last night said he needed to talk to me . . possibly tonight. I didn't reach out to him to begin with and I didn't encourage this to go any further.

 

Time to shut it down then?

[reinventmyself]

I'd like to be his friend. Trying to find the words.

[reinventmyself]

His big question was something on our time line he didn't understand. Nothing earth shaking.

But his texting is flirtatious. It's that awkward moment where it could go either way.

If I send was to send out a warning, I could be mistaken.

If I let it go any further it may be seen as encouragement.

 

A couple odd things. . Don't mean to romanticize more than it deserves.

When we were young we were broken up for a year. He was with his fraternity friends partying and drinking and uprubtly announced he needed to go home because I was going to call (after a year of not speaking) I did call that same night and he answered right away.

 

His question last night is if I somehow knew to call. Had someone told me what he said that night and set me up to call?

(I knew some of his fraternity friends)

Answer is no . . .even weirder that even while intoxicated he decided I would call . and I did. Coincidence.

 

He says the dreams he has had of me are ones of wanting to talk to me but unable to because my father intervenes and he can't get to me.

My dad has since passed away and didn't care for him because of the outrageous things he did in the end.

[reinventmyself]

After some texting and email exchanges with the HS sweetheart G, he made a comment that I was `stern'. In the context of the text conversation it likely had more to do with me throwing up walls and being guarded. I was deflecting his flirtations some and I told him I would explain in a letter why I was `stern' as he called it.

 

I shared my recent experiences and my reluctance to date. I was pretty honest about a lot of things and in the end he was gracious and appreciated it my sharing it. Things made a little more sense to him.

 

I'm glad I did it because I was at risk of offending him by not accepting his advances and now he sees it has little to do with him.

Well, it's partly him but he doesn't need to know that. I think he may know anyway.

 

So. . .It remains to be seen if he can be my friend -or- consider this as more of challenge.

Time will tell. . .

[reinventmyself]

The past two weeks have been grueling. Work was intensely draining. Add in I had something to do Fri nights, Sat's and Sun's for two weekends straight, mixed up with birthday celebrations. Throw in the emotional stuff with K and G, I hit the wall.

 

I slept 10 hours Fri night, napped yesterday for 2 and surprise! . .my mysterious headache that dogged me all week is finally gone.

My friends have been out and about all weekend and I turned down all offers and just spent some quiet time alone. One friend called me

in the morning and twice in the afternoon and I just didn't answer my phone the last two times.

 

By now I'd been itching to get out, but I am not.

I am leaving soon for my annual girls trip with the girls. The first 3 days there are 3 of us. The final 6 days, 11 of us.

So I am taking advantage of this time to recharge my batteries. That and I am seriously behind on domestic stuff.

 

I was a little bored last night so I made my dating profile visible and after the two emails I received, I find myself with same reaction:

"Nah" and hid my profile again

 

The high school sweetheart G (who lives in another state) will be in town next weekend. I am not sure of the details but I thought I first understood he was bringing his niece and son for a jujitsu tournament. I didn't ask any questions but now through a text it appears his ex wife and her mom are bringing them and he is coming along. Why? I don't know but I get the sense he doesn't need to, but wants to. I agreed to see him for what I thought was just a couple hours Friday night. Next thing I know I seems like he has more in mind. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I am trying to reign this in. We'll see how this plays out because as of this moment I am not entirely sure.

[Jibralta]

The high school sweetheart G (who lives in another state) will be in town next weekend. I am not sure of the details but I thought I first understood he was bringing his niece and son for a jujitsu tournament. I didn't ask any questions but now through a text it appears his ex wife and her mom are bringing them and he is coming along. Why? I don't know but I get the sense he doesn't need to, but wants to. I agreed to see him for what I thought was just a couple hours Friday night. Next thing I know I seems like he has more in mind. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I am trying to reign this in. We'll see how this plays out because as of this moment I am not entirely sure.

 

 

He called you "stern" not so long ago, and you justified it pretty effectively. I hope you don't backpedal.

[reinventmyself]

So the weekend visit is coming and once again I am trying to regain control of the situation.

His original idea was to meet up with him for a couple hours after work on Friday. . and it just happens so subtly

but he slips in the idea of Saturday because after it's a long drive for one night, wondering if I am available for Saturday too.

 

This happened last time and I got out of it. . here it is again where I feel he eeeks up adding things as if I might not notice?

I have told him and written a lengthy email explaining where I am at emotionally where dating is concerned and what I do and do not want.

 

Why is every conversation I have with him I feel like I am being talking into something?

 

We are having different experiences. I am talking to a friend from the past and he goes as far as sounding like he's talking to someone he

in a relationship with. Last night I was just point blank. . Asking what it is he's after and walking thru the insurmountable differences and challengesthat even if we were both on the same page, it would end badly.

I am mad that I even have to explain it to someone I am not even dating.

 

I not moving to Vegas or helping him raise an 8 year old or take care of his mother with Alzheimer's.

I don't mean to sound insensitive but I finished raising my sons almost a decade ago. I helped with the care of my father who had Alzheimer's and I have my own aging mother to tend to. I have my family, my home, , my friends, my job. He supports his ex wife and her disabled husband and while we were talking he was talking to someone apparently leaving and said goodbye. I asked if was his sister that lives with them and he laughed. . 'No, it's Angel. (ex) she just came over and helped her self to my refrigerator (?) and take it home to Larry (her now husband) ???

 

He's idealistic. I get it. I did the same with my first LDR "if you love someone you find a way".

I went into my next LDR with S with my eyes wide open and still got my butt kicked.

I told him I know how this story ends and I am not willing to do it ever again.

Why is it every guy gets the idea that I should make the ultimate sacrifice and give up my life anyway?

 

Lets not forget he is Mormon. I wlll never be Mormon. He wasn't when I dated him as kid. He is fully committed now as an adult.

He went as far as to ask me if he might lose me to someone else because his faith doesn't permit him to have premarital sex.

I am really frustrated now. .don't corner me to be a bi*ch and point out the obvious, that you don't have me to begin with.

Seriously, can our lifestyles be any different? Isn't that a concern for him? It sure as heck is for me.

 

Aarrgh. Again and again I am so naïve and I think I have a handle on something I clearly do not.

And I am mad at myself that I find myself state my position over and over to someone I spent one afternoon with.

 

I got him off the phone last night saying I had to think about Saturday. I text him a while back and told him Saturday was a no but I would still keep the Friday commitment. He had been texting me up to this point and has yet to respond. I can probably guess he's upset and composing himself.

I feel I have been honest and transparent and I am not responsible for someone else's feeling if they aren't listening and get carried away.

 

I may have to abort this whole thing. Sorry. . I am grumpy and I didn't sleep well after last nights conversation.

Yesterday the thought of shutting this down made me sad. Today . . maybe not so much.

I woke up to kissy emoji's. I don't reciprocate, nor do I encourage it.

[Jibralta]

Is there any possibility that he might be abusive?

[faraday]

Ugh, I would want to cancel Friday too. That guy sounds exhausting...you told him where you are and it's like he's got his fingers in his ears...he's not very respectful. It sounds like he's not the person you knew when you were young.

[notalady]

Let's be honest, he's a friend, friends shouldn't be this much hard work. Friendships are easy, simple, enjoyable. If you want to go through all this hard work, analysing the pros and cons, explaining your situation and going through these negotiation etc, you'd get into a relationship.

 

So personally, I really wouldn't bother with him anymore. I'd simply say, I'm only interested in friendship. No need to explain any more. He either wants the same thing or don't.

[reinventmyself]

analysing the pros and cons, explaining your situation and going through these negotiation etc, you'd get into a relationship.

 

^^exactly this. I will spend a couple hours with him this evening and I guess I need to more direct.

But I am frustrated that I feel cornered enough to maybe have to be a b*tch-like to get through to him.

In light of everything the conversations should never had gone this far.

 

I had a moment the other day where I cried. Not over him but it just flushed up feelings I've been trying to avoid. I've spent the past few months working on being even keeled, content, no real highs and no lows. Some of this (and there's more I haven't added) just reminded me how raw I still really am and I just can't do the drama.

[browneyedgirl36]

Is there any possibility that he might be abusive?

 

I was wondering this too, and to me (I could be wrong, of course) it seems as though you're trying to be friends with this guy, including seeing him (even for a few hours), etc. -- not because you really WANT to, but because you feel obligated for some reason. The feelings you're having -- that you're being manipulated/talked into things -- are spot-on indicators that something is amiss. Your reluctance and frustration with the situation are your intuition talking to you, loudly. Don't ignore it. Something isn't right with this guy; I can tell just from what you've said about him.

[Jibralta]

Yes, I'm seeing manipulation and boundary issues. If you remain passive, you'll default into a relationship.