Another online daing journal

[Larkin]

Hi Larkin

 

*waving hello*

[reinventmyself]

Ill see SL tonight before he leaves for 3 days.

 

I am currently getting texts from a group of girlfriends meeting up tonight. I feel conflicted all of a sudden.

 

It's not easy working 40 hours a week and commuting another 15 hours.

It's like I have a full time and part time job.

I have about 90mins when I get home before I have to go to bed just to get up and do it all over again. Almost every night there is something or someone I need to take care of. I have to be in bed at a predetermined time only to be woken up by an alarm. Falling asleep and waking when I am rested is a luxury rarely afforded to me.

 

I blamed my LDR's for not keeping up with taking care of my house (things outside of basic cleaning and I pay for a housekeeper twice a month) and here I am dating someone who lives 10 mins from me and I am still in the same position.

 

I took Monday off so I can get ahead on some things. My youngest son volunteered to help me clean my garage on Sunday. My closets and drawers are overflowing and my windows and patios are dirty. I need my carpets cleaned and my furnace fixed. My neighborhood is having a garage sale on Saturday that I didn't have time to prepare for but I do have a garage full of stuff I do not need. I swear I could set it all on fire and I wouldn't miss any of it.

 

I text my friends back that I needed some estrogen. (meaning girl time) Striking a balance is just hard. Somewhere in the midst of all of this I am someone who needs down time alone.

It's just overwhelming at times.

 

At the same time I feel like a whiner.

Life is good, I have no room to complain.

I just wish there were two of me sometimes.

. .or I could retire.

. . . .or win the lotto

[Jibralta]

it's not easy working 40 hours a week and commuting another 15 hours.

It's like i have a full time and part time job.

I have about 90mins when i get home before i have to go to bed just to get up and do it all over again.

 

i knowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dias]

 

It's not easy working 40 hours a week and commuting another 15 hours.

It's like I have a full time and part time job.

I have about 90mins when I get home before I have to go to bed just to get up and do it all over again.

 

Couldn't agree more.

It's even more pleasant spending this time working than driving. So much time wasted without a reason.

[reinventmyself]

I often fantasize about putting a cot in my office with a small tv. Seriously, life would be easier.

It's not so far off after all. Legend has it that an employee, long before I worked here did this on the sly.

 

She'd go to the gym after work. . all showered up only to return after everyone left and bring out her bed roll.

Crazy! But maaaybe not so much

[Jibralta]

Legend has it that an employee, long before I worked here did this on the sly.

 

Was she related to George Costanza?

 

[video=youtube;pi6bRtTtGeY] ]

[reinventmyself]

That's hilarious

[reinventmyself]

I pulled out of my garage early this morning to see SL parked on my street and get out of his truck!

He just wanted a kiss good morning and granted we live close by and he gets up early to surf. He thought he'd surprise me.

 

It was nice. . but. . .I've just had some bad experiences with

unstable men and to see him on my street unannounced freaked me - the - heck - out.

 

Still trying to shake it off. .

[Sportster2005]

I pulled out of my garage early this morning to see SL parked on my street and get out of his truck!

He just wanted a kiss good morning and granted we live close by and he gets up early to surf. He thought he'd surprise me.

 

It was nice. . but. . .I've just had some bad experiences with

unstable men and to see him on my street unannounced freaked me - the - heck - out.

 

Still trying to shake it off. .

 

Yup, that's just wrong.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't like that either but I'm particularly sensitive about people just dropping by.

[reinventmyself]

Not much to report.

Things are going well. I keep looking for something wrong with him and I am not finding it. That and I've always had a low tolerance for togetherness and I find him just really easy to be around.

 

I was chatting with a friend going through a divorce and we've had very similar experiences with men.

Talking about how we've been attracted to and attracted very complicated men.

In turn these complex men haven't been healthy partners.

 

SL isn't complicated. He isn't simple either. He strikes a good balance. He's healthy. Sadly, I am apparently not accustomed to healthy.

At the same time I don't find myself having intense feelings with him.

I am `in like' with him. I recognize he doesn't push my buttons like others have. I feel like I am waiting for drama and I am capable of stirring some up.

 

It's not easy to admit but - we are attracted to what's familiar. Unfortunately my familiar choices haven't served me well.

SL is very transparent. I caught myself over the weekend asking too much about the last woman he dated. I know this about me.

If you can rile me up over some competition, threat or spike an insecurity in me. my interest goes up.

 

Good news is I caught myself and now I just need to knock it off.

[Jibralta]

At the same time I don't find myself having intense feelings with him.

I am `in like' with him. I recognize he doesn't push my buttons like others have. I feel like I am waiting for drama and I am capable of stirring some up.

 

It's not easy to admit but - we are attracted to what's familiar.

 

I think the highs and lows of drama are very compatible with attraction (unfortunately). Drama intensifies ALL feelings, not just the bad ones. It can be downright intoxicating under the right circumstances. So, I can see why it's an easy pattern to fall back into.

[Batya33]

You are self-aware and are admitting getting in your own way -to yourself. Many don't choose to do that or don't choose to dig deeper to find out what the common denominator might be doing to sabotage things.

 

What was always hard for me was to figure out -ok is it that I like the complicated (bad?) guys or is this guy just not the guy for me -I'm just not that into him and that's ok and it doesn't mean something is wrong with me. And talking to friends about the person's shortcomings didn't help because it's so individual (like if someone was insecure/clingy -to me anyway -and turned me off -a friend might say "well he's just nervous because he likes you" - um, yeah, sure, fine - but what do I do about the turn-off reaction -tell myself what she said? obviously that didn't work).

You seem to know the root of it here - just sharing that it's hard to tell sometimes (at least it was, for me).

[reinventmyself]

Thanks Ladies.

I am stumped at the moment. I was with him last night and I am trying to sort this out and in doing so, I am making comparisons.

 

SS. I was physically attracted to, he had great integrity, he had a stable lifestyle and financially sound and I just `clicked with him'. My chemistry with him was like none other. It's hard to articulate. But he was insecure, controlling, complex and in the end we ultimately didn't have much in common. That and the distance became a deal breaker.

 

I can't help but think the drama and conflict fueled the desire. I recognize this is not a good sign.

 

I do not want that. I've done that too many times.

 

SL. Physically attractive, actually more so. (but I think what I was attracted to in SL was he was tall, imposing character)

SL has integrity, similar interests, stable, confident, fun, social, easy going and funny.

 

If I were to create a list of our attributes we'd check all boxes (except I am not near as funny or upbeat as he is or ever will be!)

He lives close by. I enjoy his company immensely. I catch myself with a constant smile on face while with him.

But there isn't that `it' factor. That fire that is missing.

 

I feel frustrated that it seems to point to that internal dark and stormy, complex thing that the others before him had that hooked me.

It's the very thing I don't want, but the very thing that is my `it' factor?

[Batya33]

Don't stop until you get to the root of it and I suggest doing that by taking long hot baths. Seriously -not by overanalyzing -just by being and let things come to you until you have the aha moment (or go for a brisk walk/run instead of bathing). It is frustrating I know!!

[Jibralta]

Don't stop until you get to the root of it and I suggest doing that by taking long hot baths. Seriously -not by overanalyzing -just by being and let things come to you until you have the aha moment (or go for a brisk walk/run instead of bathing).

 

Good advice. Seriously. Overthinking is the worst.

[Batya33]

Good advice. Seriously. Overthinking is the worst.

 

yes. I know too well. I force myself -I mean force -to follow my own advice in too many situations. I've gotten better at it. I'm lucky to have close friends and family who stuck around during all those years of overthinking/self-doubting/banging my head against the wall as to why my long term ex could not be my "one" - because he seemed so perfect for me in so many ways. I made overthinking an art form. And drove him nuts too which I so regret (although he stuck around despite knowing my doubts/tendencies so not sure what that says). If i could save someone else the trouble, the wasted time......

 

Just as an aside -I don't mean to flatter you -but we are in the same age range, Reinvent and your profile photo is so lovely! You must light up a room.

[reinventmyself]

yes. I know too well. I force myself -I mean force -to follow my own advice in too many situations. I've gotten better at it. I'm lucky to have close friends and family who stuck around during all those years of overthinking/self-doubting/banging my head against the wall as to why my long term ex could not be my "one" - because he seemed so perfect for me in so many ways. I made overthinking an art form. And drove him nuts too which I so regret (although he stuck around despite knowing my doubts/tendencies so not sure what that says). If i could save someone else the trouble, the wasted time......

 

Just as an aside -I don't mean to flatter you -but we are in the same age range, Reinvent and your profile photo is so lovely! You must light up a room.

Awww. . Batya. You made my day!

I've noticed on several occasions we have a lot in common

 

I opted to stay home alone tonight.

Maybe this all has more to do with me having turned the corner and settling comfortably into being selfishly single. . and liking it

 

I dunno.

Time will tell

[Batya33]

Awww. . Batya. You made my day!

I've noticed on several occasions we have a lot in common

 

I opted to stay home alone tonight.

Maybe this all has more to do with me having turned the corner and settling comfortably into being selfishly single. . and liking it

 

I dunno.

Time will tell

 

LOL "selfishly single" -love it!

[Larkin]

I opted to stay home alone tonight.

Maybe this all has more to do with me having turned the corner and settling comfortably into being selfishly single. . and liking it

 

I dunno.

Time will tell

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, reinvent.

 

With a couple of marriages under my belt, and my kids out on their own, I think I've settled into "selfishly single" mode myself. I have female friends who are "activity buddies" (non-sexual, in case anyone is wondering), but I'm not interested in a relationship or getting married again. And I really love doing what I want, when I want, with whom I choose. It would be really difficult to give that up...

 

Married men supposedly live longer, but, as Bill Maher says, "So do indoor cats." lol

[reinventmyself]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, reinvent.

 

With a couple of marriages under my belt, and my kids out on their own, I think I've settled into "selfishly single" mode myself. I have female friends who are "activity buddies" (non-sexual, in case anyone is wondering), but I'm not interested in a relationship or getting married again. And I really love doing what I want, when I want, with whom I choose. It would be really difficult to give that up...

 

Married men supposedly live longer, but, as Bill Maher says, "So do indoor cats." lol

 

That gave me a laugh

I'll figure it out eventually. Years of conditioning is just hard to undo, I suppose.

[reinventmyself]

I left SL's house on Sunday to take care of some personal things. Next thing I know I am sitting alone and texting him.

I am ok with that but is he?

 

Last night I visit my mom. I go home alone. Now this creates a new dilemma I am not accustomed to.

My last 2 serious relationships lived 90 mins away. The lack of quality time became an issue (for them) and for this and other reasons it didn't work out. I believed the distance had more to do with it then my propensity to be alone. I get the obvious correlation that I have chosen men that don't live near my zip code. It's not a mystery.

 

Here I am dating someone who lives 10 mins away and I still either don't have more time or won't give more time than I did in previous relationships.

SL retired very early. He has a great life and keeps busy . .but I am haunted to SS's displeasure and him wanting more. Especially in light of them both retiring young and having a lot of available time. Even at best, I don't.

 

This has been an issue in several of my relationships, to be honest. I need to find someone as independent as I am.

I brought this up with him last night over the phone. Naturally everyone says they are independent in the beginning and their needs are simple, only to come back and bit me in butt after the fact. . That what I contribute is not enough.

 

As SL kept saying ` I am not needy' As much as I appreciate it, I reminded him that no one will admit to being needy in the beginning.

And it wasn't about being `needy' it has everything to do with having different needs. They are all legitimate.

 

While chatting with my mom she reminds to not compromise or I'll end up resentful.

But I countered back that relationships are about compromise and if I want to be in one I need to consider my partners needs.

Anyway. . I am rambling.

 

I will see him tonight and I am excited that he's going out of town again this weekend and I am on my own?

I feel like I am always straddling a fence. Maybe I'll fall off onto one side or another and just stop wrestling with it.

Can you say 'overthinking' again?

[Jibralta]

Naturally everyone says they are independent in the beginning and their needs are simple, only to come back and bit me in butt after the fact. . That what I contribute is not enough.

 

As SL kept saying ` I am not needy' As much as I appreciate it, I reminded him that no one will admit to being needy in the beginning.

And it wasn't about being `needy' it has everything to do with having different needs. They are all legitimate.

 

I think it's impossible for someone to accurately describe themselves to another person, mainly because what we think we represent and what other people actually perceive can be wildly different. I think the bolded part is really the crux of the matter. People have different strengths and weaknesses. He may be telling the truth about being independent, but it's in a way that you don't particularly value. Same with being needy. He might just be weak in an aspect that you feel burdened by.

[reinventmyself]

SL left for the weekend and I have a dinner party with some girl friends tomorrow night.

 

Outside of this I do feel a little lonely though. I have 2 separate sets of girl friends. I am very fortunate.

But what I am noticing is we do group activities along side of each other that typically involves alcohol but that one on one connection with a close friend is missing.

 

I have distanced myself some from my best friend this year. Well it's been a slow off and on for some time.

As much as I love her,we've just grown apart. Or at least I have. I haven't been wanting to admit this to myself for some time but it's glaringly obvious.

 

She's made some questionable decisions over the years that have put her in one bad situation after another. Years of this has changed her into someone I just don't have the patience for. She's relentlessly negative, controlling and just down right b*tchy at times. When I do see her I have maybe a 10 percent chance she's in a good mood. The good G is really good. Unfortunately bad G is who I get more often than not. Not to mention everything is about her and I am just a sounding board for everything wrong in her life. This has been going on for years and just gets progressively worse.

 

I am missing that one on one confidant. I guess I haven't had it in a while. There are some of the women I am somewhat close to but just not in that certain way. Besides it's been sometime since G was even remotely interested in my life anyway. Her bitterness and envy flares up that I don't dare share anything positive going on my life, especially when I am dating someone. She just rolls her eyes and turns the conversation back to herself. All in all it makes me sad.

 

G tends to be somewhat the ring leader in one circle of friends and if there is anything social going on she tells them a blanket statement that I am never available because I am seeing someone. . which isn't the truth. If I am single this doesn't happen.

I am dating someone at the moment but I didn't die.

 

Others in the group will let me know anyway and there seems to tension with G when I do show up because she either assumed I wasn't or told everyone I wouldn't. She wonders who invited me. It just feels somewhat competitive. I just can't put my finger on it and I refuse to compete for friends. I am certainly no threat to her.

 

I suppose I should call her and invest something into this one sided friendship. It's not like we aren't going to be around each other anymore. But I feel drained just thinking about it.

[Batya33]

That sounds rough. I do think -and you know this-that friendships can be one-sided for a time period but there is trust that it won't always be that way. I'm on the other side of this sort of where someone I thought I was close to -we spoke once-twice a week at length, have been friendly for over 10 years and having these regular convos for over 5 years even though I moved away. And then -radio silence -and I wracked my brain as to why and came up with reasons (not what you wrote -far more specific based on how we interacted when we last saw each other in person). I received one email from her in response to my email that was newsy and very pleasant and did not acknowledge at all that we had not spoken for over 2 months or that she was looking forward to catching up. I made one more attempt to reach out (I had called her a number of times during that two months) and that's it. She didn't unfriend me on Facebook. I'm sharing this because I am ok with it all now - because I know she is not angry with me and I know I didn't do anything to warrant her cutting me off but I do think it's wrong of her to fade to this extent with no explanation at all.

 

(And yes I did think our conversations over the years were very balanced as between her stuff and mine nor did I feel needy, etc when I spoke with her). It does hurt but as time passes it hurts less. Having shared this I also recognize that the thought of telling G how you really feel is a difficult prospect especially given your mutual friends. And, would she really hear you?