Another online daing journal

[thealchemist]

Defcon 1 is most sever. 5 is everything is good. I dont know how chill of a world a 9 would be.

[reinventmyself]

Defcon 1 is most sever. 5 is everything is good. I dont know how chill of a world a 9 would be.

I just showed my ignorance. Ha ha. . I thought it sounded dramatic though :)

[reinventmyself]

Regarding my own reactions to scenarios such as this, or other scenarios, since meeting and dating my bf (almost four months now) I’ve gone from “shutting down” (suffering in silence) when something troubles or hurts me (like I used to do in my other RLs) to “over-reacting” at least I think so anyway. I don't throw fits or go psycho or anything like that lol, but I do take things to heart and perhaps more seriously than they were meant to be, and I react. I really need to find a balance a happy medium, working on it!

 

 

 

Every situation is different and I've been with those that triggered my worst and then sometimes we are lucky enough to be paired with someone who doesn't.

 

It's not always all on you. It's the two combined and what you bring out in each other.

 

Then sometimes, just one partner can't seem to strike their balance, no matter how hard they try.

 

I know your relationship is rather new as well.

 

It might be a good idea to give some thought to whether or not this is solely on you or maybe relationship itself.

[katrina1980]

Regarding my own reactions to scenarios such as this, or other scenarios, since meeting and dating my bf (almost four months now) I’ve gone from “shutting down” (suffering in silence) when something troubles or hurts me (like I used to do in my other RLs) to “over-reacting” at least I think so anyway. I don't throw fits or go psycho or anything like that lol, but I do take things to heart and perhaps more seriously than they were meant to be, and I react. I really need to find a balance a happy medium, working on it!

 

 

 

Every situation is different and I've been with those that triggered my worst and then sometimes we are lucky enough to be paired with someone who doesn't.

 

It's not always all on you. It's the two combined and what you bring out in each other.

 

Then sometimes, just one partner can't seem to strike their balance, no matter how hard they try.

 

I know your relationship is rather new as well.

 

It might be a good idea to give some thought to whether or not this is solely on you or maybe relationship itself.

 

I have and it's definitely ME for sure.

 

He is awesome, very caring and understanding but his nature is quiet, reflective, self-contained, confident. I am not accustomed to this, I am used to lots of chaos and drama, jealousy, control and distance.

 

I grew up in that type of environment as well (drama and control from my mom), so it became "familiar" to me in my RLs. I was "comfortable" with it despite it's dysfunction.

 

This one is different as there is none of that and it's throwing me off a bit. I have questioned it, questioned why he's not more "emotional" about things, about ME.

 

He responds by saying he does feel emotional about me, of course he does, very much so! But again he's more calm, self-assured and self-contained, which I suppose is an excellent quality being he is an ER doctor, dealing with crisis and trauma all day.

 

Yes it's early stages still, so I'm still adjusting to all this, but I am confident I will get there! And we are amazingly attracted to each other (not just physically) so it's worth sticking around and exploring our RL (and each other) further.

 

Also not sure if you know this but I have the added quandary of being bipolar2 (not as severe as bp1 but still presents its challenges) which I manage quite well but it does affect me in certain ways such as how I react to certain situations, etc.

 

Anyway, this is YOUR thread, not mine, perhaps I will start my own journal detailing my own journey.

 

I have really been enjoying reading yours and IamFCA's, and I love to write so it would actually be a perfect outlet for me to explore my feelings, etc.

[reinventmyself]

You definitely should start your own journal and I am surprised you haven't already.

You have some pretty, good thought provoking posts.

 

This is good place to exercise them and a little more of controlled and often safer audience :) then in the general forum.

 

I know you mentioned the BP previously. You are a pretty brave young lady, Katrina. Give yourself the credit due.

[katrina1980]

You definitely should start your own journal and I am surprised you haven't already.

You have some pretty, good thought provoking posts.

 

This is good place to exercise them and a little more of controlled and often safer audience :) then in the general forum.

 

I know you mentioned the BP previously. You are a pretty brave young lady, Katrina. Give yourself the credit due.

 

Thank you! The reason I haven't is because I am an extremely private person; when I first joined these forums (I was a member of two others before joining ENA) it took me almost two years to feel comfortable enough to even start my own thread!

 

I don't know, even though we are all anonymous it still feels a bit uncomfortable revealing my private thoughts, demons, internal struggles, but reading yours and IamFCA's, I am beginning to feel differently so perhaps I will!

[thealchemist]

I just showed my ignorance. Ha ha. . I thought it sounded dramatic though :)

I see it a lot. Very common misunderstanding.

 

That and people doing "360s" on their viewpoints...

[katrina1980]

I see it a lot. Very common misunderstanding.

 

That and people doing "360s" on their viewpoints...

 

Yeah I am sometimes guilty of that, but only because, as a thread continues, more info from the OP was given providing more insight, changing how I view the situation.

[Jibralta]

Yeah I am sometimes guilty of that, but only because, as a thread continues, more info from the OP was given providing more insight, changing how I view the situation.

 

So did you do a 180 or actually a full rotation ;)?

[katrina1980]

So did you do a 180 or actually a full rotation ;)?

 

LOL, good catch, a 180 which is what I assumed alchemist meant to say also?

 

But then again, I have also been known to change my viewpoint (180), but then upon learning even more information, going back to my original viewpoint at which point I have just completed a full rotation (360)!

[reinventmyself]

I see it a lot. Very common misunderstanding.

 

That and people doing "360s" on their viewpoints...

 

My ex h would say that.

Along with calling `chefs - chefts'

 

He often butchered the saying `two birds is like one in the mouth'

OK. . so he's not the brightest bulb in the box.

 

But our marriage was a definite *Defcon 1

Now who's the smart one? :welcoming:

[Silverbirch]

My ex h would say that.

Along with calling `chefs - chefts'

 

He often butchered the saying `two birds is like one in the mouth'

OK. . so he's not the brightest bulb in the box.

 

But our marriage was a definite *Defcon 1

Now who's the smart one? :welcoming:

 

 

Hehe that's funny!

[reinventmyself]

I forgot to mention. .

I got those 3 little words the other day. . and he got teary eyed while saying it. I feel the same but not quite as much as he does it seems.

It's a little confusing for me.

 

I just (I keep beginning each sentence with- I) keep comparing it to the incredibly intense feelings I had in my last relationship and it doesn't compare.

I am disappointed that I was so in love with someone so controlling and insecure. But it is what's familiar to me.

 

But this one is much healthier and much better on so many levels, it's somewhat confusing.

 

"I" am trying to learn from this thinking I may have been attracted to the drama and therefore the love felt much more dramatic and intense?

This one is peaceful, sweet and really easy.

 

I am also feeling myself pull back a little . . it seems to have triggered some of my unavailability traits. Trying to strike a balance.

[katrina1980]

I forgot to mention. .

 

I just (I keep beginning each sentence with- I) keep comparing it to the incredibly intense feelings I had in my last relationship and it doesn't compare.

I am disappointed that I was so in love with someone so controlling and insecure. But it is what's familiar to me.

But this one is much healthier and much better on so many levels, it's somewhat confusing.

 

"I" am trying to learn from this thinking I may have been attracted to the drama and therefore the love felt much more dramatic and intense?

This one is peaceful, sweet and really easy.

 

I am also feeling myself pull back a little . . it seems to have triggered some of my unavailability traits. Trying to strike a balance.

 

I hear ya sister, all of it, and oh how I can relate! And yes it is confusing sometimes.

 

My dad said something to me awhile back that I have never forgotten.

 

Background: I have always been drawn to "challenging" men and challenging situations. My entire childhood was a challenge!

 

So perhaps that is why. Like you said, familiar.

 

When a man/RL wasn't challenging enough, I would lose interest and end it.

 

My dad said, "Why not consider the challenge "standing still" with a man for awhile, instead of turning off and running off. That may be the biggest challenge you will ever face and one that may very well be the best type of challenge."

 

Wise advice which I have never forgotten!

 

ETA: The dilemma for me was that when things became "too" challenging I would run off, and when things weren't challenging "enough," I would run off.

 

Need to find that balance!

 

I believe I "am" getting closer to finding it, hope so anyway!

[dias]

 

My dad said, "Why not consider the challenge "standing still" with a man for awhile, instead of turning off and running off. That may be the biggest challenge you will ever face and one that may very well be the best type of challenge."

 

 

 

Dad is wise!

[reinventmyself]

Dad is wise!

 

agreed . . . . :)

[katrina1980]

 

I forgot to mention. .

I got those 3 little words the other day. . and he got teary eyed while saying it. I feel the same but not quite as much as he does it seems.

It's a little confusing for me.

 

Can you expound on this? What was the context? Were you having intense sex or something? (Apologies if I'm stepping over boundaries asking that.)

 

It just seems strange to me. I have sometimes become teary-eyed during/after really intense sex; I suppose I shouldn't judge if/when a man does (assuming that was the context), it's just never been my experience. Or him getting teary-eyed when saying ILY.

 

Not sure how I would feel either tbh.

[Jibralta]

I am also feeling myself pull back a little . . it seems to have triggered some of my unavailability traits. Trying to strike a balance.

 

Maybe it triggered anti-vulnerability traits?

 

I have felt almost physically overwhelmed hearing those words and repeating them back. It's so odd. They're just words and love is so much more than words. But I guess the words signify the beginning of a new phase that could flourish or fail.... I don't know; I'm rambling.

 

I hope you "stay still" for a little while and give it a chance.

[katrina1980]

@reinvent, you asked me earlier, when describing my bf's lack of emotional expressiveness, if this was the "right" relationship for me.

 

I immediately responded that I "had" thought about it and it was. Now after questioning it further, I am not so sure but that's another thread.

 

So now I am going to present the same question to you. Do you think this is really the "right" relationship for you? I know you want it to be, that you think because he's so stable and real, and all these awesome things, you should.

 

But if you find yourself pulling back at certain times, in this case, when he became emotional when saying ILY, something is off in my opinion.

 

I know for me I am finding I really do need that intensity of feelings. I don't think there is anything wrong with that!

 

We are who we are, we need what we need. And I don't think that when we feel that intensity, that passion, and even that "craziness" sometimes, it means the guy or relationship is dysfunctional in some way.

 

Your ex was, your RL with him was (so was mine) but the two (intensity/dysfunction) don't necessarily go hand in hand. Not always.

 

I happen to believe one "can" feel that intensity and passion with a great guy and have a great RL.

 

My relationship with my BF has been a journey. I've been learning a lot, about myself mostly.

 

I found myself becoming a bit dependent on him for awhile, while at the same time not experiencing that "intensity" of feelings. He is awesome in so many ways, strong, solid, stable, hell he's a doctor! But he just doesn't inspire those emotional feelings in me.

 

On the other hand, I am very physically attracted to him! So just like you are feeling with your BF, it was (and is) confusing!

 

I'm taking some "me" time this weekend. My BF is working anyway so he's pretty cool with it.

 

To be perfectly honest though, I wish he weren't! My sense is he's not, but doesn't want to "rock the boat" or whatever.

 

Well hell sometimes it's good to rock the boat! It means something's happening!!

 

So now I am questioning the whole thing. Realizing that no matter how great a guy is, or how "attracted" we are, it's not always enough. I need that intensity, that passion!

 

And there is nothing wrong with that!

 

Anyway, not sure if you can relate to this post in any way, but don't settle reinvent. Don't force it because you think you should. You're still relatively young, beautiful, you deserve it all, love, passion, that crazy feeling, and again it doesn't necessarily mean when you feel that, the guy and RL is dysfunctional.

 

That's been your experience but that was just a coincidence imo, the two do not go hand in hand, not always.

 

My dad's words about "standing still" with someone were wise but I don't think he meant standing still with someone who doesn't inspire us. Who doesn't elicit strong emotional responses in us. I need that!

 

That's settling which is never good for anyone.

[Larkin]

I forgot to mention. .

I got those 3 little words the other day. .

 

I'm guessing the 3 little words weren't, "I got Reese's." Sorry, I watch waaay too much TV.

[katrina1980]

I'm guessing the 3 little words weren't, "I got Reese's." Sorry, I watch waaay too much TV.

 

LOL! Tnx, needed a good chuckle right about now.

 

Been posting all morn; I'm on brain overload at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

Can you expound on this? What was the context? Were you having intense sex or something? (Apologies if I'm stepping over boundaries asking that.)

 

It just seems strange to me. I have sometimes become teary-eyed during/after really intense sex; I suppose I shouldn't judge if/when a man does (assuming that was the context), it's just never been my experience. Or him getting teary-eyed when saying ILY.

 

Not sure how I would feel either tbh.

I just had gotten to his house and I hadn't seen him for a couple days. He always greets me enthusiastically and the pulled away from a hug and with a serious face told me he was in love with me.

He went on to say he was waiting for the right moment to tell me and was planning on it telling me on Valentine's day. But he blurted it out saying he couldn't wait any more.

He shared how he's been afraid because of his other bad choices and how this just felt so right and he hasn't been this happy in years.

He's a pretty expressive and like I mentioned, very enthusiastic. He was getting emotional sharing his feelings with me. Wipingbtears from his face.

So no. . It wasn't during intense sex. Ha ha

Some men are cry babies. I've met a couple and have one on my hands now. They tend to be the ones to keep, in my opinion.

 

I didn't pull back because of his emotions. I like that he shared them the way that he did. For me, it just takes things to another level so I need to stop and get my balance I suppose. My poor previous poor choice still haunt me at times.

 

That and comparing how the same moment felt with my last bf.

I did lay awake last night accounting for the3 times in my life I felt that kind of intense passion you speak of. All 3 were terrible choices. From the start there were bad signs but I desperately wanted them anyway. I ignored the red flags and incompatibilities too.

 

I do notice you keep referring to his vocation. I would deny it at the time but don't think it doesn't influence you. 2 of my chooses were men in high positions (secret service, DEA/fighter pilot)

[reinventmyself]

I'm guessing the 3 little words weren't, "I got Reese's." Sorry, I watch waaay too much TV.

🤣. . . . . . .

[reinventmyself]

Katrina, Came back to add. . That intense passion will subside. Do not doubt that. Be sure that what you are left with in its place is something that suites you.

This is where I get to tell you not to settle ;)

[reinventmyself]

I just had gotten to his house and I hadn't seen him for a couple days. He always greets me enthusiastically and the pulled away from a hug and with a serious face told me he was in love with me.

He went on to say he was waiting for the right moment to tell me and was planning on it telling me on Valentine's day. But he blurted it out saying he couldn't wait any more.

He shared how he's been afraid because of his other bad choices and how this just felt so right and he hasn't been this happy in years.

He's a pretty expressive and like I mentioned, very enthusiastic. He was getting emotional sharing his feelings with me. Wipingbtears from his face.

So no. . It wasn't during intense sex. Ha ha

Some men are cry babies. I've met a couple and have one on my hands now. They tend to be the ones to keep, in my opinion.

 

I didn't pull back because of his emotions. I like that he shared them the way that he did. For me, it just takes things to another level so I need to stop and get my balance I suppose. My poor previous poor choice still haunt me at times.

 

That and comparing how the same moment felt with my last bf.

I did lay awake last night accounting for the3 times in my life I felt that kind of intense passion you speak of. All 3 were terrible choices. From the start there were bad signs but I desperately wanted them anyway. I ignored the red flags and incompatibilities too.

 

I do notice you keep referring to his vocation. I would deny it at the time but don't think it doesn't influence you. 2 of my chooses were men in high positions (secret service, DEA/fighter pilot)

 

(Editing from my phone is rough)

Not incuded:

You need to have an honest moment with yourself and ask if this same man was an electrician and available 5 nights a week and wkends, would you feel the same?

 

. . There was more in my previous edit, but I forget ;)